Drug Psychosis, PTSD, Paranoia.

[PlayOnWords]

Yooo, 

I'll try n keep this as short and sweet as possible. 

3 years ago I was messing around with ecstasy and ended up having 3 extremely terrifying, upsetting and paranoid experiences. The undertone of every one was that I was way too different and eccentric from the people who were around me, people think I'm weird, no one will interact with me, they're all talking about me etc. I was surrounded by, for lack of a better term 'wannabe gangsters' and general sheep whilst being a pretty camp effeminate guy. I think this may have weirded them out n made them be all cold to me and just cunts in general. 

So anyway, after these experiences, which really did take its toll on my psyche, (was so stupid to carry on taking ecstasy after 1st experience) I quickly changed. I became what I thought people wanted me to be. I started dressing differently, swapping floral shirts for big label polos and boots for trainers and I was not the same person. After the 2nd experience this happened and I distinctly remember feeling very disconnected and like I couldn't even remember who I was, obviously except my name and stuff. I felt very lost and alone and think I decided to try and fit in so that people would like me. 

All while this was happening I developed a shaking habit at some point, not sure when. Now ever since I have been a hot mess but I have worked on myself a lot and am relatively okay 3 years on. But I'm still very shaky and feel like I have not fully processed the old trauma. I have slowly stepped back into my old self with regards to being quite effeminate but feel there's still some way to go. 

I have been feeling very angry recently which I feel is a positive sign as it has just been constant fear for 3 years. 

Essentially, I want to revisit the trauma that made me this shaky, fearful mess and come to terms with it and move on and be calm and cool and ready to pursue my lofty music goals. 

Any help appreciated. 

Love. 

[Nahm]

@PlayOnWords Sweet. What are you aiming to do in music? Record, perform, teach? 

[PlayOnWords]

@Nahm Thanks for the link.

I've always maintained that if I could have a minimum wage salary, so to speak, producing and performing music, that would be more than enough for me. Heavily inspired by hip hop, 80s pop, rock and ambient music. Think Michael Jackson rapping with Brian Eno on production. Lol. 

I have a poetry channel on YouTube if you're into that. It's called Set The Stanza. 

[Nahm]

@PlayOnWords That sounds like a great combo to me. How’s it coming along?

[PlayOnWords]

@Nahm the concept for an album is there, a heavy theme of metamorphosis. Half of the material is there, got something of a 2-3 year plan for it to be released.