Attracted to Narcissistic and Psychopathic Women

[LaucherJunge]

I just recently had the realization that it's okay to be narcissist, that some people just are this way and rejecting and demonizing it is definitely not the correct way of going about it, even though I had some bad experiences with this in the past which lead me to really reject any of such attributes in myself even to the degree that I rejected my own self-love to some degree and I actually never in my life felt as whole as now, where I am working on accepting theses darker parts of myself.

Now I've just finished watching the series "Killing Eve" and I noticed and had to admit that I am madly attracted to the psychopathic character Villanelle, when I didn't have this veil of rejection against this darkness anymore. After admitting this to myself I had to remember a women from like 4 years ago who I was texting with, she definitely was at the very least an extreme narcissist and possibly even a psychopath and to be honest never in my life did I feel as attracted to someone as to her even though we were just texting, I was so addicted that I would lay in my bad all day with such emotional tension in my body that I was literally shaking and just waiting for her replies, I didn't really figure at that time what this was all about but now it became kinda obvious to me that I am obsessed with these kinds of women and I am not really judging myself for this or anything, but in the end I am all about moving forward and doing the work necessary to do so and become the best version of myself.
I guess this attraction stems from the fact that I have these really dark aspects inside of me always rejecting them, for these of you who are into astrology, I have AC scorpio with pluto in scorpio and also mars in leo as for the dark aspects.
I am kinda conflicted as to what's next and also not sure yet how I unlock these aspects and if I really want to, but I kinda have to in order to progress.
I don't really want to be a bad person at all and that's why I have been rejecting it all of my life, I tried my best to keep it shut but the floodgates are starting to give in and the darkness is at the doorstep knocking. I am scared of my own darkness. What do you think about this? 

[Forestluv]

There are different attraction dynamics. I've gone through periods of attraction to narcissists that became a very unhealthy dynamic and I was unable to pull away. In one relationship, it took me three attempts to break free. Yet it isn't necessarily the case that a person is attracted to a narcissist due to their own repressed narcissistic tendencies. 

For me, my attraction to narcissists was not about my own internal narcissism. It was the opposite. It was about my own internal empathy. Narcissists and empaths are on the opposite sides of the spectrum and have an unhealthy attraction toward each other. Part of the problem was that I desired harmony and to help her - and she used this to gaslight and manipulate to her advantage. Part of the problem was that I am so far on the other side of the spectrum that I could not imagine how someone could use another's vulnerability, insecurity and kindness to manipulate, harm and take advantage of the person. It was beyond what I was capable of imagining. Eventually this was brought into clarity. 

I imagine there could be other dynamics as well - for example someone that wants to be dominated by another.

[Emerald]

44 minutes ago, LaucherJunge said:

I don't really want to be a bad person at all and that's why I have been rejecting it all of my life, I tried my best to keep it shut but the floodgates are starting to give in and the darkness is at the doorstep knocking. I am scared of my own darkness. What do you think about this? 

Even the darkest traits come from innocent roots.

So, perhaps you have some aspect of yourself that have been repressed away into the shadow and away from you conscious mind and that aspect uses narcissism to cope with being repressed or various traumas or unmet needs.

And perhaps, this is why you're so attracted to women who have these traits. Sex with women that resemble that repressed aspect of yourself if very symbolic of communion and wholeness, so it would make sense for you to be attracted to women like that.

But keep in mind that the narcissism is just a coping mechanism that that rejected aspect uses, and not a quality that is inherent to that aspect.

So, it's not about integrating narcissism. It's about integrating the aspect of you that has been coping with some trauma or unmet need by being narcissistic. The narcissism is a tool and not an inherent trait.

And if you are able to integrate that aspect of yourself and meet its needs, then the narcissism will become an obsolete coping mechanism. And it will naturally fall away.

And you will no longer be so into narcissistic women as a result, as there is not need to project your own unmet needs onto them.

Another example of this would be if someone has repressed something like greed.

And if that person decides to shadow work, they might be perplexed and say "Am I really supposed to integrate greed?"

But that's not the point. There is no need to express greed to integrate that shadow. What must be understood is that there's actually an inner aspect of themselves that's using greed as a coping mechanism. Perhaps, as a child, they experienced trauma around not having enough. So, that inner child aspect is still coping with that perceived lack through the vehicle of greed. But the inner child is not inherently greedy. It's a coping mechanism.

Edited September 11, 2019 by Emerald

[LaucherJunge]

@Serotoninluv

Of course you are right empaths also tend to be attracted to narcissists, but what really makes me think that this is about my own repressed aspects is that I just independently had this insight recently that it's okay to be narcissistic when I was in a particularly bad and painful situation, I just went from whimpering to crying out of joy in that instant, it was a huge relief and just about 1 week after this realization I notice this attraction towards them.
But at the same time I already very well know my empathetic side and this aspects also mirrors very well astrologically in my moon in pisces, this part was just always very dominant and suppressed the darker parts of me.
So I think that you can actually be on both sides of the spectrum at the same time.
And I also do like the thought of fully giving away my control and let someone else have full power over me and still being able to trust that they have my best interest at heart and this thought is especially attractive when it's someone narcissistic.

@Emerald

Thank you for this brilliant reply, that's basically exactly what I was looking to know.
It makes so much sense now especially considering my text above, the attraction comes from multiple angles really, my empathetic side sees that root aspect below the darkness and wants to fix them, I see into their core for who they really are and basically get my satisfaction from the tiny bits of goodness that come out from time to time that feel like healing, like a release, which is another thing that thrills me when a women is crying after a strong emotional release.
And then of course there is the mirrored suppressed aspects of myself I see inside them on the surface, these aspects want out and that's why this behaviour is so attractive to me, the universe basically telling me "you should be like them to make progress".
And there is this thrill to entrust someone with my life and give my whole power to someone who is narcissistic because I believe in them and it feels exactly like the satisfaction from such an emotional release I see a tiny bit of their goodness presented towards me and it's so healing.

amazing insights for me right here, thank you both a lot!

Edited September 11, 2019 by LaucherJunge

[Aspiraling Wizard]

Allow yourself to become more and more open to experiencing these thoughts. That's the essence of shadow work and overcoming fear. All humans have aggressive even predatory drives. How would we have survived up to this point if these things didn't come built in? It's just that in modern society you don't have to hunt for your food if you don't want to and in most cases police deter and intercept the most common physical violent threats a good bit of the time. In the case of this woman, you were attracted to your own projections of what you were not yet strong enough to accept in yourself and you weren't conscious and/or educated enough to see that. You leave yourself massively exposed to manipulation from parasitic predators like this if you don't integrate and ultimately transcend this stuff and I'm speaking from too much personal experience in that regard. To compliment your shadow work, practice a martial art. Not something mostly outdated and overly traditional like karate. Something that would actually work in a real fight due to it's controlled brutality like Muay Thai, Boxing, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu or Krav Maga. Even though of course you aren't fighting for real, it's close enough and will also raise your self esteem.

[tastefullyoverdone]

I have had so many narcissistic partners in my life. My friend said once that if I put every guy I've dated in one room together and no one would know what they had in common. I always dated a different "type" of person but inside, they were all narcissists.

I gave up dating altogether 2 years ago when I realized that *I* was the pattern. Since that time, I've done a lot of introspection about my childhood and realized that my mother is a narcissist and that my relationship with her created the pattern. I also could see how many other narcissists there were in my life (some of my best friends) and just how much energy they were taking from me. I was always having really juicy ideas or opportunities and many people in my life took the wind out of my sails by making my dreams seem unrealistic.

Narcissists smother you with their fears and try to keep you in a box below the bed. They're always stirring the passions within and it's unhealthy if you really want to focus on personal development. I'd encourage you to give up dating. Take it off the table altogether the same way you'd give up smoking if you were trying to quit cold turkey. Then look inside yourself, in the silence, and ask yourself the questions you need answers to. I had a lot of success with this by using self hypnosis audios I found on youtube. They can take you back to the moments in your life when issues like this were created as you may have blocked out the trauma.

Look into terms like: attachement styles, trauma bonding, narcissistic abuse syndrome, death drive.

When you're really whole, you won't need to look for your life partner. They will enter you life at the right time.