Yet another wake up call - Bat Shit Crazy

[Bill W]

I've been meaning to start a journal, and I will at some point I'm sure. In the meantime I thought I'd up my honesty and take a risk by sharing some of my current madness. I'm really in a phase right now where it's hard to tell me anything, but at least I have some awareness of that. I thought I had a good handle on pride and arrogance. Humility is possibly my most cherished value. I've been acting but humble in recent times. 

I'm 11 months into my 12-step programme (for addiction) and I've not had a drink or drug in the whole 11 months, not even close to having one. My substance misuse sobriety is strong but my emotional sobriety is pretty shocking. 

I'm currently not doing any of the practices that I know have worked in the past for me, and I'm not doing any of the new ones I feel might help me moving forward. By practices I am referring to 12-step practices and also many of the spiritual practices we talk about on this forum, and what Leo rightly preaches. 

Because I'm not doing the practices and inner work I'm currently living on Shit Street. It's no ones fault but my own if I am honest. One set of addictions and obsessions have been swapped for others; sugar free energy drinks to the max, shocking food sugar consumption, and my workaholic tendencies have come back full force. That's what happens when you give up your comfort blanket of alcohol and pills, and then take your foot off the gas in recovery. For a good while I was doing really well, but the last few months have involved severe stagnation.

This is what is happening and anyone who wants to chip in is welcome

• Resentments running wild. The blame game is back. Other people are the problem. I know this is false and virtually a full on delusion.
• Victim mode is picking up. More delusion.
• I'm getting cranky and more and more introverted at work. Most of my colleagues are feeling as annoying as hell to me, with a few exceptions.
• Procrastination is at an all time high. Just about avoided a £400 late tax return fine this month. 
• I'm moaning to myself and others "I don't have time" to help them or even listen to them, and I'm using this same bullshit excuse to duck out of meditation and prayer.
• I let a girl move in who I was having a fling with (she was in unstable accommodation at the time) and now I can't get rid of her. She's as annoying as hell but she is also suffering with her own trauma's and the loving part of me feels she is here for a reason. Here to teach me compassion and tolerance. We are no longer romantically an item, but she is as needy as hell and in my deluded mind, a big reason why I've fallen off with all my practices.
• I know I haven't described much feelings here. It's basically angst and discontentment. I'm also deeply unhappy, yet somehow not so depressed I can't function. I'm just fucking agitated to hell. I know there is better out there for me. I know it can be done, otherwise I'd really think what's the point in this existence, but I do know better than that, thankfully. 

Initial Plan

• Sort out these energy drinks. I've been going into work with Ribena bottles that are filled with energy drinks as people were starting to notice all the energy drink consumption. I even have been going into the toilets to fill more Ribena cartons up with energy drinks. Sugar free but obviously loaded with caffeine. I tend to stop them at about 2pm. I've been using them for a buzz to get on with more work and to reduce my appetite as I've been binge eating. I've only just realised this weekend how insane that is. I've always been a bit caffeine high as use it for performance enhancer at the gym. When I've weaned myself off caffeine for a week or so, I've never felt better off in anyway. But I can't carry on like this. 
• Get stuck into my David Hawkins video's, and also my normal AA literature and videos. Also back into the Bible. I have a lot of shit to let go. I am low on tolerance and forgiveness. 
• Reconnect with people in my life, but I've been stuck with this for a while now. 
• Get right back to meditation and prayer, especially mindfulness and contemplative type mediation. Also, pick up the Centering Prayer and some of the YouTube video's I have on that (Thanks Zig Zag Idiot).
• More surrendering and letting go, less relying on my own self-will which is running me into the ground.

Other info

• I'm a qualified mental health nurse. Doesn't make me any better than anyone else. In fact, my background in mental health has possibly impeded my progress as it's taken me a long time to realise "I don't know best". 
• I've been on SSRI's on/off for years, mostly on. More for anxiety and OCD than for depression. Currently maxed out and that's been the case for about a year. They are not part of the solution in the long-run but they do seem to keep the worst elements of my OCD at bay, especially at the higher dose.
• I love David Hawkins, especially his Letting Go stuff. I also like OSHO and have started to get into Sadhguru. I also like Mingyur Rinpoche, and some stuff from Adyashanti. I'm also enjoying some channeling Jesus stuff by Gina Lake. I'm tempted to go full on with A Course In Miracles. 

Also

• Happy to look at other good material, but I am also very aware I've been in "information gathering" mode all my adult life and I am really good at gathering material, consuming it, and not really doing the practice as much as I need to. I hoard material, always thinking I'm one YouTube video away from nailing it all! 

 

I'm going to sign off with one of the prayers I think I need to focus on right now. And my idea of prayer is different to some traditional takes on it. I don't actually believe anyone outside of myself hears my prayers. No one outside myself will answer them. I almost use them as contemplation/meditation. Not sure if this makes any sense.  Prayers speak to me, that's how I feel about prayer. 

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name; thy kingdom come; thy will be done; on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation; but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory, for ever and ever.

[Ananta]

I rarely read long posts, but I read yours and it was interesting. I think you need to stop the energy drinks (which you know), diet pop has less caffeine, maybe switch to that? If you have a tendency to anxiety, then high caffeine is no good (I'm a nurse too). It can also cause moodiness in my opinion.

Also, maybe there has been too much in life grabbing for your attention for you to have a clear, calm mind to be able to focus on spirituality fully. It's okay, just figure out what is the major distractions and work on them in such a way that it gives some peace of mind, less agitation is the goal here. 

I don't pretend to know what's best for you, but good job on the sobriety. Keep up the good work and make other changes that will allow you to focus better and have peace.

Sometimes things just take a little while to work themselves out and when they have run their course they die out. 

Good luck.

 

 

[DrewNows]

@Bill W aye brotha. Care to see what you’re made out of? Let it all go, all that bloody knowledge and information, safety and prosecution...

what if.. 

it was your last day on earth?

Assuming you cannot stray too far from your average day, find out how might your experiences change, what would be done differently, what might be expressed, appreciated and realized? Yes, find. Out.

I challenge you for the next 30 days (if necessary) to live with the mindset ‘this is my last day as Alex’ 

nothing (and I repeat, nothing) else matters. This is all you have and all you can do for yourself and the world so, what have you? 

[Bill W]

@Anna1 @DrewNows Thanks both. Received. Be back later. 

[Surfingthewave]

Hi @Bill W journalling sounds like it will be good for as you have started problem solving already.

What was interesting about your post is you are exactly where you are meant to be. It sounds like you are getting back into what you you have lost recently - the work you need to do. But also, like David H says, what is the payoff for where you are? The procrastination, victim mode etc. You know what the payoff is, the pleasure and satisfaction from being separated from the source, being what we really are. What you've described is our narcissist ego at full pelt (I know cos I'm just coming out of a similar state). 

Get back to the source my friend. The silence. Detach, laugh it off, see it for what it really is. Excessive thinking is not the source. You know this but you've got to delve deep because you have been making serious progress prior to this. Give yourself a break, celebrate your success. You're doing great. 

Edited September 9, 2019 by Surfingthewave

[Nahm]

@Bill W Feel for ya man. I think letting go is where the relief is for ya. Sounds like you’ve been carrying a lot for a long time. 

This book comes to mind...  https://www.amazon.com/Surrender-Experiment-Journey-Lifes-Perfection/dp/080414110X

And even more so, this one...https://www.amazon.com/Ask-Given-Learning-Manifest-Desires/dp/1401904599

Also, maybe bring some magic into life...dry erase board...what you really want...

 

[Bill W]

20 hours ago, Anna1 said:

Also, maybe there has been too much in life grabbing for your attention for you to have a clear, calm mind to be able to focus on spirituality fully. It's okay, just figure out what is the major distractions and work on them in such a way that it gives some peace of mind, less agitation is the goal here. 

Well said. Thank you for reading my post and replying. I need to work on distractions and it's good you highlighted that. Sounds obvious but some times the simple things need reinforcing again and again.

 

20 hours ago, DrewNows said:

@Bill W

I challenge you for the next 30 days (if necessary) to live with the mindset ‘this is my last day as Alex’ 

Thank you my brother! I love your input. At the moment there are a few people in my life who I wish it was their last day lol. I gotta work on that resentment. At least in my honest and higher self I know I am the problem and not them. The journey has taught me that much. 

I like your reply though. I interpret it as needing to have more perspective. I don't think that is what you meant but I have got something useful from your post. 

Maybe I need to come out and shoot a video with you in the jungle or that's how some of your surroundings look to me! You are on nature in your videos. 

12 hours ago, Surfingthewave said:

Hi @Bill W 

What was interesting about your post is you are exactly where you are meant to be.

I love this. Needed to hear that. I sometimes actually think that but I could do with thinking it more and being conscious of it so thank you 

 

12 hours ago, Surfingthewave said:

Hi @Bill W But also, like David H says, what is the payoff for where you are? The procrastination, victim mode etc. You know what the payoff is, the pleasure and satisfaction from being separated from the source, being what we really are. What you've described is our narcissist ego at full pelt (I know cos I'm just coming out of a similar state). 

Get back to the source my friend. The silence. Detach, laugh it off, see it for what it really is. Excessive thinking is not the source. 

Well said! One of the things I really love about that David Hawkins approach is identifying the pay off's and letting them go. I need to contemplate that more and try to surrender the pay off's because until they are dealt with, it's hard to break the dysfunctional behaviour and attitudes.

Love what you say about the source. Thank you

7 hours ago, Nahm said:

@Bill W Feel for ya man. I think letting go is where the relief is for ya. Sounds like you’ve been carrying a lot for a long time. 

This book comes to mind...  https://www.amazon.com/Surrender-Experiment-Journey-Lifes-Perfection/dp/080414110X

And even more so, this one...https://www.amazon.com/Ask-Given-Learning-Manifest-Desires/dp/1401904599

Also, maybe bring some magic into life...dry erase board...what you really want...

 

Love these suggestions Nahm. Thanks for the input here.

[DrewNows]

@Bill W I meant, literally, if it is your last day on earth, your last chance to really make the absolute most of every situation/interaction/experience imagine how much appreciation you’d have for THIS MOMENT, for YOURSELF, or EXPERIENCE minus the story of you. Would there be any room for self sabotage, lies, regrets, or second guessing?  HELLL NOOO 

 

[tsuki]

@Bill W Not too much advice from me, just came to show you my support.
Prayer is extremely powerful, please do it if it resonates with you.

Also, be mindful that even though you may not feel it directly, your body may be in panic mode because of the food you consume.
That may be the cause of your anger and negative emotions. Please don't judge yourself so harshly, you are not a weak person.
This is just anger turned inwardly. I believe in you.

[Bill W]

@DrewNows @tsuki Thanks both. You both have content on here that makes it all worth while. 

[MuddyBoots]

@Bill W   your plan sounds so good, but we all know how hard it is to deal with the resistance we get when implementing our vision. One I'm working on right now is to improve my daily routine - getting enough sleep, going to bed early, making time for things I know I need, not wasting it on diversions. Such basic stuff.  Your postings about caffeine are a really helpful pointer for us too, it's often overlooked as a bad influence. Thanks for sharing your journey with us, doing this shows you're a stronger person than you perhaps realise. I'm also mulling over doing a journal, rather anxious about how much to share with everyone etc, but they seem worthwhile too.

Nick.

[Bill W]

@MuddyBoots Thanks Nick. Loved what you said about not wasting time on diversions. I'm glad I made this thread now. 

[Truth Addict]

Be open to losing. This is autumn you're experiencing, and winter is coming.

Shamanic Breathing can help a lot.

Edited September 11, 2019 by Truth Addict

[Bill W]

@Truth Addict Thanks for type with breathing. Have heard of it but never explored it. Will do.

@Leonora Thanks for this. I am not familiar with it so will read up and also search for the people you refer to. 

[Bill W]

On 9/11/2019 at 4:48 PM, Leonora said:

Bessel van der Kolk

I thought this name rang a bell. The book The Body Keeps The Score. I've heard so much good things about that book. I know it's about trauma but I've heard it's a real good read for mental health generally.

15 hours ago, Leonora said:

Might be good to know (it relates to 'workaholic' information overload etc) :

Her whole channel and website (PDF) offers a good overview over the pieces that need to be addressed.

Biological, nutrition, neuronal (body work), psychological, and relationship wise. 

I was a few minutes into this and wasn't sure if it was relevant to me, and then she said something super powerful that made me realise exactly why you linked me into this video with regards workaholic issues. It's late now where I am, so will come back to this. I also briefly checked out her website. It's her stuff on addiction that really interests me, so thank you. 

[Bill W]

@Leonora I watched the whole 13 mins of that video just now. Awesome. I made notes and am not going to start a thread with it under High Consciousness resources so other people can take a look. Hopefully you'll see that thread, thanks again! I've already got some Gabor Mate video's on my "to watch later" as someone else recommended him a few weeks back. 

[Nahm]

@Bill W Stay strong Bill. Imo, you’re doing great. This getting down to our authentic self can be quite a ride. Take a minute, often, to bring to mind what you’ve overcome, what you’ve learned, gained, the expansion & understanding. Sometimes we keep our eyes too forward, and feel like we’re not measuring up. But there’s no stick. Again, I think you’re doing great. I really feel the humility being discovered, and I appreciate what you’ve shared. Thanks.