how to cope with toxic family

[Nad]

I am a 24 year old female, I have a full time job and I live with my parents because we live in a country where young adults don't live in their own apartments unless they get married. So please don't suggest "just move out". 

 

I don't want to play the victim here. I understand that I have 100% control over my thoughts and emotions, it is just that it gets so hard to maintain my good mental health sometimes while living in this fucking house. 

 

my mother is schizophrenic, depressed, and miserable. all she does is sleep, eat, smoke and sleep some more. my sister and I saved her when she tried committing suicide 3 times before. She is killing herself slowly by smoking 40 cigarettes a day and eating shitty food. She is also a slob and always leaves food and clothes and all sorts of rubbish everywhere, it's just insane!! i am the kind of person who highly values discipline and cleanliness and I am always cleaning up after her mess. She doesn't listen, I tried time and time again to help her live a healthier life but she just never listens. she is very irresponsible and apathetic. she is also very dependent on me, she refuses to leave the house without me, refuses to sit down with people without me being present, she lets me do everything for her, even dress her sometimes and she is not that old, she is only 60. I will not go into details about my childhood but i feel like i spent my whole life just taking care of her. Ever since i was a kid i was always responsible for her emotional and mental wellbeing, i always had to be her cheerleader, just begging her to get out of bed... and I always took care of house chores, cooking, cleaning, etc... 

 

I am a positive person. I want to live a good life. I cook healthy vegetarian food daily, I go to the gym and clean the house everyday. I believe in god, I pray, I love people, I love laughing, I love order, I love having a peaceful loving family, and I just love life! i am into positive psychology and spirituality and I highly value positive, healthy, good living. I have a full time job and I get home very late and all my time at home is spent cleaning up after her mess. I barely have time to take care of myself, for example (cook healthy meals, pray, meditate, exercise, read, rest). I feel like my whole life is wasted between my work and taking care of her. i cant even have the time to think about my career goals and plan for my future (which is very important to me). 

 

I believe that I am in full control over my thoughts and my perspective in life. but there are days when my mother's negativity is so overbearing and it cripples me and hinders me in my path to create the kind of life I want. how can I deal with this? how can I cope when things get tough? how can I accept that this is my reality and be happy regardless of my very negative surroundings? how can I accept her the way she is? how can I love the negative, irresponsible, miserable person she is and stop putting labels over things as (good or bad). how can i have the strength to keep my house in order as well as my work and my spiritual and mental health all together? 

 

TLDR; I live with a toxic mother and I need to learn how to accept it and not let it bring me down. help? 

[Bill W]

In some regards I am going through similar, especially in terms of the impact this is having on you. I can see you are trying to take responsibility, but probably no one has full control over their thoughts and emotions? Especially thoughts.

Your post reads like she is fucking up all your progress and all your efforts count for shit once you step back into the reality of your environment. Like there is two worlds. Your world away from crazy mum and your world in the house of shit. Naturally you are trying to dodge the house of shit.

I wish I remembered the source of this. I am trying to use it myself as I am in a similar situation to you. I read this once and wondered if it would help you...

"What stands in the way, becomes the way"

If you work out how to manage getting triggered by your mum you will gain something that money can't buy. You will gain freedom and spiritual wealth. 

As Don Miguel Ruiz would say "We are all the most important characters in our own story and a secondary character in everyone else's story" 

Edited September 8, 2019 by Bill W

[Marks199]

Well, I would suggest, that you should take her to the psychiatry. It is painful but I have to say it you have to cut her off as however you know. You don't need to move away completely you can become a digital nomad. And it's not the country problem I live in Colombia which is less developed than Europe and also got independent. You know if she wants to kill herself you have to let her or let your younger sister take care of her. BUT YOU CAN'T STAY WITH HER. Here is how to move to a place without having to pay for your stay just work and you will get your meals. https://www.worldpackers.com/

[studentofthegame]

Hi Nad.

Your story is powerful. I think you are brave for putting it out here.

When you said that as a kid you were responsible for her mental and emotional wellbeing, my instinct was that you are a person who will benefit from psychodynamic, attachment-based therapy. This is the therapy i am in, myself: I also felt responsible for my parents wellbeing at times during childhood and i didn’t always have the carefree childhood that is healthy for a young person.

i’m not sure how accessible this type of therapy would be in your country. It might be something you have to seek out when the time is right. In the mean-time you can explore self-therapy. There are specific books you can read which will help you to grieve your issues and ultimately find compassion and forgiveness. I will recommend only books that i have read / am reading, if you are interested.

all the best.

[remember]

@Nadgrowing up in a green houshold i was not very fond of psychatry to begin with, and still not completely are. but with some problems in the dynamics of my parents aggregating over time to huge problems i learned that some dynamics and problems don`t go away, especially because the dynamics use to bite themselves in the tail.  with my dad at one point it got better because he finally agreed to stay in psychatric care for some time. i thought psychatry was bad, but it still helped him. afterwards it was easier to change some dynamics. so i can absolutely recommend it to get a foot in the door with that. it`s very difficult to break the habits at home as the space is linked to the habits in the home aswell as memory is. she`s holding onto you because you give her security, holding her hand by leading her to more independence could be a big step. maybe changing the patterns through changing something about the flat or house while she would be away can also feel like a new start for her when she comes back. setting up new rules and habits along with that.

Edited September 9, 2019 by remember

[CuteCornDog]

My family is toxic too.