I often doubt if I’m still in love

[Farnaby]

Hi everyone!

First of all, I’m aware that no one can clear up this doubt for me and I know it is something that I have to explore myself.

However, I’ve tried everything I can think of (meditation, self-inquiry, being present to my sensations, etc.) and the doubt still persists. 

Sometimes I can clearly feel that I’m still in love with my girlfriend and other times I feel kind of empty and confused. I purposely say “in love”, because I don’t doubt that I love her. 

This thought (“Am I still in love?”) has been “visiting” me from time to time for quite some time. Sometimes, when I’m feeling connected to her it just appears out of the blue, leading to disconnection.

I have to add that this has been my longest relationship until now (4 years) and maybe what I’m feeling is normal when the limerance phase is over.

Has anyone else experienced this or do you have any suggestion that would help me get a clear answer? 

Thank you ?

Edited September 6, 2019 by Farnaby

[loub]

Don't fall prey to the narrative of romantic love being the driving factor behind a successful relationship and once it ends the relationship has to end.

Romantic love is an intensely beautiful experience where you feel whole and have a sense of belonging and a heightened sense of self-acceptance and ease in life.
It is not the ground on which a successful relationship stands. It doesn't even have to be the starting point. Contrary to what most people believe you can fall in love and out of love with one person repeatedly, and this is what usually happens during the course of a successful relationship. As you discover and rediscover yourselves over and over again, you fall in love with each other over and over again, and ever deeper.

What then is the foundation of a successful relationship, if not romantic love?
Consider what your highest vision for two people sharing their lives with each other looks like. Surely it is not making each other feel good all the time.

Instead it has to be about depth and wholesomeness. About mutual understanding and acceptance. About having someone with whom you can completely and utterly strip yourself, emotionally, physically and spiritually. Someone with whom you can share the depths of your being, all your petty thoughts, your insecurities, your fears, your hopes, your weaknesses, your ambitions and your undesirable traits in a quest for mutual self-discovery. Someone who can make you see through your own bullshit. There's much to add, but do you see how the basis goes much deeper than just romantic love? Do you see how this can get you and your gf caught up in an upward spiral of growth, wisdom and being?

What I would suggest you do is come together with your girlfriend and investigate together into what your highest vision for your relationship could look like. Go in there with some pre-written questions, like: Do we really need to fight? Need there be misunderstanding? Do we need highs and lows? Do we need to hold anything back from each other? etc...

What you absolutely need to do is tell your girlfriend about your thoughts about falling out of love. Absolutely necessary, though I understand this thought alone is probably extremely frightening to you, because the outcome of that is completely open.

Read the book Radical Honesty by Brad Blanton with the upmost sincerity and pay special attention at the relationship chapter. There's lots of very practical and useful tips plus a profound vision presented in this book.

I hope you can take something away form this rather lengthy reply. Best regards, my friend

[Farnaby]

58 minutes ago, loub said:

Don't fall prey to the narrative of romantic love being the driving factor behind a successful relationship and once it ends the relationship has to end.

Romantic love is an intensely beautiful experience where you feel whole and have a sense of belonging and a heightened sense of self-acceptance and ease in life.
It is not the ground on which a successful relationship stands. It doesn't even have to be the starting point. Contrary to what most people believe you can fall in love and out of love with one person repeatedly, and this is what usually happens during the course of a successful relationship. As you discover and rediscover yourselves over and over again, you fall in love with each other over and over again, and ever deeper.

What then is the foundation of a successful relationship, if not romantic love?
Consider what your highest vision for two people sharing their lives with each other looks like. Surely it is not making each other feel good all the time.

Instead it has to be about depth and wholesomeness. About mutual understanding and acceptance. About having someone with whom you can completely and utterly strip yourself, emotionally, physically and spiritually. Someone with whom you can share the depths of your being, all your petty thoughts, your insecurities, your fears, your hopes, your weaknesses, your ambitions and your undesirable traits in a quest for mutual self-discovery. Someone who can make you see through your own bullshit. There's much to add, but do you see how the basis goes much deeper than just romantic love? Do you see how this can get you and your gf caught up in an upward spiral of growth, wisdom and being?

What I would suggest you do is come together with your girlfriend and investigate together into what your highest vision for your relationship could look like. Go in there with some pre-written questions, like: Do we really need to fight? Need there be misunderstanding? Do we need highs and lows? Do we need to hold anything back from each other? etc...

What you absolutely need to do is tell your girlfriend about your thoughts about falling out of love. Absolutely necessary, though I understand this thought alone is probably extremely frightening to you, because the outcome of that is completely open.

Read the book Radical Honesty by Brad Blanton with the upmost sincerity and pay special attention at the relationship chapter. There's lots of very practical and useful tips plus a profound vision presented in this book.

I hope you can take something away form this rather lengthy reply. Best regards, my friend

@loub Thank you very much for your answer! I like long replies ?

I feel most of what you point to regarding a deep and intimate relationship is present in our relationship. We accept each other, lots of respect, almost never try to control each other, speak honestly about our feelings, etc. 

You’re right about the importance of telling her about my thoughts of falling out of love. When I first felt this I tried to rationalize it in my head, distract myself with work, gaming and weed, but it was only a temporary fix. So now I have decided to be completely honest with her and I have told her a couple of times when I’m feeling that way. I was afraid she might leave me or start falling out of love too, but it hasn’t happened and even if it may happen, I feel it’s necessary to not hide something as important as this from her. 

As you say, I often see that the relationship we’re building is actually a pretty healthy one and that this may very well be healthy love and not what romantic relationships are about. However, this thought still appears pretty often and it’s followed by these thoughts:

- “Am I fooling myself, trying to convince myself because I’m scared to end the relationship?”

- “If I have to work/make an effort to connect with her doesn’t that mean that I’m not in love anymore?”

- “Even if romantic relationships are a myth, if I’m so often in doubt, there must be some truth to this thought”.

It’s like I don’t know if I should trust my thoughts or not. Of course when they appear in the middle of something intimate, like sex, it gets awkward and I feel disconnected.

I’ve actually read the book and found it really interesting, thanks! 

Thank you for taking your time ?

[ajasatya]

@Farnaby You haven't been in love yet. Love is built very slowly. The feeling of Love contemplates the desire to offer and serve without expectations.

You've been feeling passion. Passion is just the initial fire that motivates people to break through the mental isolation. Now that you're in touch, it's time to make a choice: make plans for the future to live together healthily or break up. If you don't feel like it's time to make a commitment, there's no need to waste more energy forcefully trying to make a feeling arise... just break up.

Long term relationships require higher levels of maturity, willingness to serve and a sharp desire to build something greater, something that goes beyond two people.

[Farnaby]

24 minutes ago, ajasatya said:

@Farnaby You haven't been in love yet. Love is built very slowly. The feeling of Love contemplates the desire to offer and serve without expectations.

You've been feeling passion. Passion is just the initial fire that motivates people to break through the mental isolation. Now that you're in touch, it's time to make a choice: make plans for the future to live together healthily or break up. If you don't feel like it's time to make a commitment, there's no need to waste more energy forcefully trying to make a feeling arise... just break up.

Long term relationships require higher levels of maturity, willingness to serve and a sharp desire to build something greater, something that goes beyond two people.

@ajasatya I think I’ve actually noticed how love has become a choice and not something that lights up spontaneously in the beginning of a relationship. 

And this conflicts with a belief I have about how love should come easily without any effort. 

When I think about it being a choice my mind goes: “well, then you could actually decide to love anyone, there’s no special one then”. That’s probably my ego fighting against this reality.

[ajasatya]

@Farnaby If you want to reach a state of effortless Love, you'll need to go through a long, intense and painful purification process, which I honestly don't think you're ready for. But if you succeed, you'll love every stranger on the streets.

The feeling of genuine Love is very very different from what mainstream media and culture promote. It is far beyond intimate attraction.

[Farnaby]

27 minutes ago, ajasatya said:

@Farnaby If you want to reach a state of effortless Love, you'll need to go through a long, intense and painful purification process, which I honestly don't think you're ready for. But if you succeed, you'll love every stranger on the streets.

The feeling of genuine Love is very very different from what mainstream media and culture promote. It is far beyond intimate attraction.

@ajasatya What makes you think that? I have been in a personal development process for quite some time and looking back I’m much more mature, grounded and fall less into old patterns. 

I think that’s precisely what makes me doubtful, noticing how love is a choice and not something like what the limerance phase feels like. I don’t doubt that I genuinely and usually unconditionally love my girlfriend. I won’t say that I always unconditionally love her, because sometimes my insecurities show up, but I can spot them much faster than before and just trust the Universe (instead of trying to control the outcome) if you know what I mean. 

What triggers thoughts of doubt is the decrease in attraction and intensity I’ve been feeling. Of course the thoughts of doubt themselves lead me to feel disconnected, worried, guilty, which makes it difficult to spark the passion up again.

[ajasatya]

59 minutes ago, Farnaby said:

Of course the thoughts of doubt themselves lead me to feel disconnected, worried, guilty, which makes it difficult to spark the passion up again.

It will only decrease with time. This is how it works with basically any intimate relationship. That intense sexual attraction should give up space for more advanced forms of attraction.

[Farnaby]

18 hours ago, ajasatya said:

It will only decrease with time. This is how it works with basically any intimate relationship. That intense sexual attraction should give up space for more advanced forms of attraction.

@ajasatya What’s the point of being a couple if the sexual passion gradually decreases? Isn’t it healthier to be friends if that’s the case? 

[ajasatya]

2 hours ago, Farnaby said:

@ajasatya What’s the point of being a couple if the sexual passion gradually decreases? Isn’t it healthier to be friends if that’s the case? 

Building something AMAZING. A man and a woman together and aligned with high consciousness purposes is one of the most powerful forces a human being can experience.

Also, your sexual drive will decrease with your age. You better start working really hard on your life purpose if you don't want to fall into what's known as "mid-life crisis".

[Farnaby]

21 minutes ago, ajasatya said:

Building something AMAZING. A man and a woman together and aligned with high consciousness purposes is one of the most powerful forces a human being can experience.

Your sexual drive will decrease with your age. You better start working really hard on your life purpose if you don't want to fall into what's known as "mid-life crisis".

@ajasatya I see.

So if I’m understanding you correctly, the decrease in sexual attraction and passion is a natural course of a long-term relationship and it shouldn’t be interpreted as a signal of falling out of love and that it’s time to end the relationship? 

[ajasatya]

@Farnaby It's a little bit more complicated.

The initial burning fire decreases quite quickly to a stable level, which decreases slowly with time. You shouldn't be experiencing super low levels of sexual drive before your 45's or something.

What I am saying is that you cannot build a relationship that relies too much on your sexual drive. You should be helping each other grow and heal. You should be building something great, like a beautiful family. Maybe it's time to let the dude Farnaby die and give space to a Man.

Do you see yourself as a man, a guy, a dude or a boy?

[Farnaby]

1 hour ago, ajasatya said:

@Farnaby It's a little bit more complicated.

The initial burning fire decreases quite quickly to a stable level, which decreases slowly with time. You shouldn't be experiencing super low levels of sexual drive before your 45's or something.

What I am saying is that you cannot build a relationship that relies too much on your sexual drive. You should be helping each other grow and heal. You should be building something great, like a beautiful family. Maybe it's time to let the dude Farnaby die and give space to a Man.

Do you see yourself as a man, a guy, a dude or a boy?

@ajasatya I wouldn’t say my sex drive has changed too much, but for some reason when we have sex my monkey mind starts coming up with all sorts of doubts and I feel disconnected. 

This doesn’t happen every time, but quite often, and it doesn’t last the whole experience. I kind of fluctuate between feeling connected and passionate and disconnecting. 

In every other aspect I would say we have a great relationship, but when I feel this during sex, I can’t help but question what’s going on.

I would say I feel more like a dude than an adult although I’m slowly starting to feel more secure and mature, but when I’m with people over 35 (I’m 27) I have trouble feeling “equal” if you know what I mean.

[flowboy]

@Farnaby  The passion you feel for your partner often correlates with the passion with which you approach the world.

How's your life purpose doing?

[Farnaby]

29 minutes ago, flowboy said:

@Farnaby  The passion you feel for your partner often correlates with the passion with which you approach the world.

How's your life purpose doing?

@flowboyYes, I’ve noticed how my passion in general towards life manifests sexually and the other way around.

I would say that I’m pretty satisfied with my path in life, although I’m not sure if what I’m doing now will be my purpose my whole life. 

 

[flowboy]

@Farnaby So, pretty similarly?

[Farnaby]

24 minutes ago, flowboy said:

@Farnaby So, pretty similarly?

@flowboy Haha good point. I have a tendency to feel bored easily in general. Then I have moments of passion for life and then I return to this more apathetic state. At least now it takes me less time to get out of that state lol.

 

[Farnaby]

24 minutes ago, flowboy said:

@Farnaby So, pretty similarly?

@flowboy Haha good point. I have a tendency to feel bored easily in general. Then I have moments of passion for life and then I return to this more apathetic state. At least now it takes me less time to get out of that state lol.