Sharing some doubtful thoughts

[Swagala]

Hello. Recently, I decided to smoke my last stash of marijuana. I wasn't expecting much insight from it or anything but at the same time, I still wanted to learn some thing from it.

The high was the same as my last ones, my thoughts and ideas started to feel real/true. As if one hears a 'fact' from a credible scientist and takes it at face value. A lot of the thoughts I had were explanations to things in the world, and at that state, I believed in everything I was thinking as true.

Later on, I started seeing how not much different it was when I was believing everything I was thinking while high to when I hear spiritual concepts and explanations and then start believing them while sober. Not just spiritual ideas but even scientific ones, all ideas and beliefs- they all seemed just as deluded. I even started to doubt everything that I've heard Leo talk about. If I was able to delude myself with everything I was thinking at this state, Leo could possibly be deluding himself, no matter what level of awareness he's at. The idea of higher awareness means better truth, could possibly be just another trap for one to be deluded even further.

I can't even say that I still slightly believe in many of what Leo talks about because of this experience. If I do choose to believe in what Leo says, it feels like I'm intentionally deluding myself.

What I can say is that during my first few highs/trips on marijuana, I was having deeper understanding to what Leo has always been talking about. But after witnessing how deep delusion can go, I believe I may have just been deluding myself deeper into Leo's teachings. Giving myself explanation after explanation to make them all seem true.

I don't know what I'm expecting from this, honestly. Am I just willingly looking for more delusions from other people to stay sane? Because at this point, it feels like I'm stuck again with my spiritual journey. And as always, I know it won't last forever but I fear that the only way I could get out of this is from willingly going along with all the spiritual talk that seem like delusional to me as of this moment.

Another thing I would like to share is that I was wondering if God was actually good when I was tripping. I always believed that God was good because there ARE good things in the world and why else would all this be happening (reality) unless God is good. But then I started thinking about how there are also bad things in the world. What if this whole existence is pure suffering and all the good and spiritual things I've experienced were glimpses of hope God likes to bait us with and then take away just to see us suffer.

Maybe it's just a huge ego backlash doubting everything I've gone through so far in my spiritual journey. I've had so many insights in my first few highs/trips on marijuana that maybe my ego couldn't take it anymore.

Thanks for reading <3

[MuddyBoots]

Maybe this is mother nature's way of telling you to go back to basics. Start again and work it out from the bottom up.  Doubting everything and having a good declutter is painful at first but can also be liberating if you're willing to go with the process. Who knows, you may realise new insights, or have deeper realisation into your previous insights. You don't need to believe Leo to follow his videos, or believe anyone else in this forum, just intuit your  own practice and do your work. Then you can check in and share the journey with us on the forum if you like! 

[Enlightenment]

TBH I have similar doubts and ultimately came to the realization that the only thing that will convince me 100% is brain scans of people under high dose of 5-MeO. If it will show increased activity, physicalism wins.

[Consilience]

22 minutes ago, Enlightenment said:

TBH I have similar doubts and ultimately came to the realization that the only thing that will convince me 100% is brain scans of people under high dose of 5-MeO. If it will show increased activity, physicalism wins.

That argument doesn’t actually follow. Physicalism is impossible to prove true. Even if it were true, it’s impossible to prove. All that the world is, is your subjective experience. All contents within subjective experience may be subject to doubt, including brain scans. Correlations between brain scans and conscious experience are only correlations, it doesn’t do anything to give you direct access to truth. 

[Enlightenment]

23 minutes ago, Consilience said:

All that the world is, is your subjective experience.

I know, solipsism is unfalsifiable

 

26 minutes ago, Consilience said:

Correlations between brain scans and conscious experience are only correlations, it doesn’t do anything to give you direct access to truth. 

I'm not claiming correlations is direct access to some ultimate truth but they increase the possibility of x being true. We may never discover ultimate truth but through correlations and science, we are slowly moving towards let's say 99.99% truth.

[Lowerplanedweller]

The Astral plane:

Land of lights, sound, and emotions.

No where near a spiritual plane or should I say consciousness.

In this twilight zone of a place, thoughts are movement from one scene to a next, other than some experience you get while on drugs, you are still millions of miles away from truth.

Actually doing drugs and mixing your theory of spirituality in this world, can lead to irreversible emotional unbalance.

This is the land where dreams dwell, all emotion.

Edited September 6, 2019 by Lowerplanedweller

[MuddyBoots]

@Swagala   Believe what you can perceive: the pure perception prior to the interpretation is the ground. This is why Leo suggests simply looking at your hand. Or there are more traditional practices such as mindfulness of breathing. Just breathe, feel it without analysing or thinking about it. There's no delusion or doubt here, is there? Or go for a walk in the park and just look, feel. This type of simple practice can be your foundation, you don't need marijuana or to overthink it.

Sure, there are good and bad things in the world, from the point of view of human survival and happiness. You want God to get rid of the bad and just have good? That means God has to be biased towards humans and forget everything else. It also means you need to draw a line between the good and bad.  Then when we only have the good left, how long before we divide up the remaining 'good' because we prefer the better parts and don't really want the less good bits. Our desire is never satisfied. Look at history - we have much better houses, food, healthcare, education, roads, life expectancy etc than our ancient ancestors. But it's still not good enough, we never stop complaining. Not that I'm against progress or am a Luddite, but we are insatiable, We have made progress, life isn't ideal of course, but with a bit of perspective there's a lot to be thankful for too.

[Consilience]

9 hours ago, Enlightenment said:

I know, solipsism is unfalsifiable

 

I'm not claiming correlations is direct access to some ultimate truth but they increase the possibility of x being true. We may never discover ultimate truth but through correlations and science, we are slowly moving towards let's say 99.99% truth.

See, Im not too concerned with 99.9% truth. Im concerned with the highest, most direct truth. Absolute truth. Whatever it may be.