Help me I'm super scared after ?breakthrough? am I going insane??

[Florian]

So I lately did alot of emotional work. A few months ago I read the book the Sedona Method. I didnt read the whole book, but only until the direct method was explained, after that I got too lazy but I had that. Now I started using this method A LOT. It wasnt even very intentionally, I dont really know why I did it, it was basically like a game for me just like Leo said it his latest video about letting stuff go, but I basically was at the point where I used it very very often, basically every time I felt something and was aware of it and over time I got more and more aware of my emotions and I really used the method basically every single time. I would say it felt very natural to me to do it so maybe that is why I did it. But anyway I did get I think very great results and sometimes I even felt like this could be used as a method for enlightement, since I had these moments where I felt like I let a layer of "myself" go and then got a better view on my "real self". 

But the point of all of this is that today I woke up and actually directly noticed that I am more free internally than yesterday. Then I got in the shower and I remembered a moment where I felt a lot of shame and I noticed that I could really feel what this emotion really was better than ever before. I used the method and I let a little bit of it go and got kinda closer to the root of this emotion. Then I went on with my day.

Now the really freaky shit slowly starts. I hear someone ring the doorbell. I go downstairs open the door and receive a package. Then I turn around and see a big fucking black spider on the wall hiding in the half shadow of a picture that hangs next to it. I think I rarely saw such a big spider in my country (Germany). Now I am scared and dont know what to do. I want to get the spider out and actually feel like I'm capable of doing that. I am not as scared as I was all the times before I had to deal with spiders, but I also still have a deep fear inside me. I go closer to the spider and look at it. Now I go to get a glas and a broomstick to somehow get the problem solved but I havent figured out how to get the job done and whether I should take the spider out alive or kill it. I go to the kitchen to get the stuff but I get stuck internally and dont get it done after I put the broomstick and the glas next to the spider. Then I go to the kitchen again open the door to the garden and sit down in the sun.

NOW the freaky shit really starts. I don't know if this was an enlightment experience or a breakthrough or whatever and I am also not sure if this is true (maybe my mind is not open enough but I also kinda tell myself I'm going insane). So... I think about the spider and remember that I had 2 times where I encountered such a spider lately (but a lot smaller). Before both these times I actually had a moment where I felt shame and tried to let it go. I remember this because at these times I felt like I was literally looking at my shame when I was looking at the spider but I did not go any further with that thought. But now something inside me makes click and I realise it is true. I don't realise it on a thinking level but on a being level I think (haha now I THINK that this happened because it is over now). I go to the spider and see a deep emotion inside myself which was I think shame or hate or pain (a deep wound I think). I realise that I am everything that is accured right now and that I am creating this spider  and then I get fucking scared and regret that I went so far and go to my room (Ego backlash?) and now I sit here writing this shit down because I was scared that I would go insane if I keep this to myself. Right now where I am writing this sentence I am not in this state anymore but I still feel a deep fear inside me just not as direct as before and I feel a bit safer and the spider is still down there I think. (maybe if what I wrote above is true, the spider actually went into the basement because it is my direct fear or hate or something as I wrote above that I now successfully supressed a bit hahaha I dont know if this is true but I really remember it being literally an emotion of myself)

Maybe this is bullshit I can't say anymore because I'm not in that 'state' anymore and I also am scared that you say that this is bullshit and I am insane or something. But if this is true, which I think it is, this might give you people in this forum some value. I dont know if the title is still fitting but I am just gonna leave it that way.

[Florian]

Update: I just went downstairs and the spider is still there

[Aeris]

We need pictures of the spider. Can't do anything without the picture

[OctagonOctopus]

Send love to the one who is feeling fear and shame, talk to the feelings like you would a child who is experiencing this. Get to know the feelings, find out what they are trying to tell you, then allow the feelings to go back to the right place in oneself. 

[Lowerplanedweller]

Walking up to a spider and thinking you created it, seems sort of not stable in the head.

[Shaun]

Well we do create our relities so he is not entirely wrong. 

[Florian]

@Aeris

[Florian]

@Aeris  Why do you need the picture?

[Ibn Sina]

(warning: Negative comment ahead, read at your own peril)

If you look at a spider, and start thinking that it is your 'shame' that you are looking, and  that you created this spider which elicits such a huge reaction in you that you write this lengthy post and you think you would be insane if you didn't write this, then may be this is an early sign of insanity(take it with grain of salt). Schizophrenics believe (or start believing) all sorts of stuffs, a chip is planted on their head, every one is trying to kill them, the camera is making sound, there is wire tapping etc etc. 
All I am saying if you are suddenly starting to believe weird stuff, and reacting weirdly, just be suspicious (a little). And also you didn't say anything about whether it was a real spider, you say that you created this spider and the spider was your 'shame and fear' and you believe it is true (with all your being)
I am not deliberately being negative, just writing down my honest interpretation of your description.

nothing to be scared about, just make sure it doesn't happen frequently

Edited September 4, 2019 by Ibn Sina

[Mulky]

Get back downstairs and let the spider crawl on your hand. You think this is a game?

Edited September 4, 2019 by Mulky
grammar

[Mulky]

Nah, but seriously, it is good if you can do that to overcome your fear, maybe just put your hand close to the spider at first.

[Florian]

I think the spider triggered some deep emotions inside me that I was half aware of at that moment because I just "looked" at them a few minutes ago. 

What I mean by I created the spider: I think that I had a small glimpse on the nature of reality or an awakening. Like I noticed that I literally send myself the spider so that it can trigger this emotion in me so that I can be aware of it and let it go.

And after that I think I had an Ego backlash and got super scared and wanted to go back. That's why I wrote this so I could feel safer. 

 

This is my interpretation, but I will consider the possibility that I am actually going insane. I am already going to a psychotherapist (for another reason though), but should I really tell her about that? Because if that has infact nothing to do with Schizophrenia she might still interprete it as such because that is nondual stuff and I don't think is aware of this.

[Florian]

@Mulky I think after all this is just some game haha. 

And no fuck you I wont let this spider crawl over my hand. 

(no offense I'm just too scared)

Edited September 4, 2019 by Florian

[Florian]

@OctagonOctopus Thanks, I think I should try this

[Florian]

@OctagonOctopus This is pretty quick, but dude thank you, I think this is actually working

[Ibn Sina]

19 minutes ago, Florian said:

This is my interpretation, but I will consider the possibility that I am actually going insane. I am already going to a psychotherapist (for another reason though), but should I really tell her about that? Because if that has infact nothing to do with Schizophrenia she might still interprete it as such because that is nondual stuff and I don't think is aware of this

I thought you were not into nondual stuff like the one taught by Leo, but if  you are, then this whole 'meditation' section is full of people describing weird experiences of their enlightenment, how they awakened or 'felt' awakened. So this is just one of those ' I think I had an awakening/my awakening experience' kind of post which this meditation section is full of. Leo and many other people here if they look at a chair, or spider, or a dog, believe that they created  it . They are not insane.

Edited September 4, 2019 by Ibn Sina

[Florian]

@Ibn Sina yeah a mix of that and a little bit of emotional trauma

[OctagonOctopus]

@Florian

Great!  
If one faces any resistance well doing this turn love onto the resistance, and put close attention on what is coming into awareness when you are doing this. 

Edited September 4, 2019 by OctagonOctopus

[enderx7]

@Florian It sounds like you have pretty good introspection and have a decent handle on this, I dont think you need to worry about being insane it can just feel like that at moments when your awareness increases rapidily (why people freak on psychedelics). The emotional work your doing sounds like a great practice but if your working with your emotional body I think it makes the journey much more easy, not to mention more fun and blissful, if you focus on unconditional love. Generating emotions without external stimuli  is kinda like training muscles  and unconditional love is THE reason to sort out your emotional health, its the juice of life. I dont know exactly what the method you said your working with but if its like Leo's letting go then just do it like you normally do but after you have become aware of the emotion and attempted to let it go (this is especially important if you failed to let it go) just pepper your self with some unconditional love and a little back pat for letting yourself become aware and drop resistance and feel difficult emotions. For 1 because it is actually difficult which is why most people repress their tough emotion and it rewires your system to be excited to find hidden parts of itself because it know you will be loving towards them instead of mean to yourself, so your unconscious will like your conscious aspect more and work with you more. Think of working with your unconscious like with working with a impulsive child

Edited September 4, 2019 by enderx7