A Cry For Help After Years Of Work & Stagnation...

[Marcell Kovacs]

Hello there,

I've been hesitant to write this post for a long time thinking "The answer's inside of me...", however a few months ago I've come to the realization that I've been stagnating in life for a good 2 years now, which is causing me enermous suffering and I feel unable to move to the next chapter and I probably need an independent perspective on what the next step for me should be, because clearly my mind's either enslaved me or the circumstances are such that I just have to admit to myself: "I don't know any better..."

WARNING: The following post is going to be long, going into great depth on where I stand in life. If reading that and perhaps giving advice doesn't interest you, I recommend you leave this thread.

Perhaps it would be best to give you a rough story of who I am and where I am coming from.
I'm a 22-year-old male from Hungary, Eastern Europe. My self-help journey began 3 years ago when I discovered @Leo Gura and Actualized.org. I immediately quit playing video games and installed my meditation habit, which was a huge success for me at the time.
That's where it all began...
In 2017, a year into my self-actualization journey, during my very last semester in high-school I took the life purpose course, because I had come to the realization that if I really wanted to live a passionate life, I'm going to have to take responsibility for it and engineer it in such a manner.

Luckily my search for my life purpose was a success. I realized that I want to produce music which was an incredible revelation as it's been something that had been my biggest hobby all throughout life but just never realized that the answer was in front of me all the while.
At the same time I also began university studying finance, because I needed some stability while I was working the ins and outs of my life purpose and admittedly I was scared to object to my parents who forced me to take up a class. I also took up a local student job so that I'm able to save up enough money to buy the equipment needed to start practicing my craft. I never really told anyone about my intentions, because I knew I'd get judged, so I kept my them to myself.
Unfortunately I went into it with very improper expectations which ended up biting me in the ass and cause me lots of suffering and depression non-stop. Thanks to these misalignments I would always end-up procrastinating and never really getting anything done.

Exactly a year ago I was on holiday with my parents and one night when I took a walk in the city we were in as I was thinking about my life and how things are going to move forward, I had the honest self-realization that between late-2017, when I finally got all my equipment and managed to quit the job I took up to be able to afford it and up until that point (2018) I had basically achieved nothing and that my priorities (university, doing basic self-actualization work such as meditation) were very off and I had to take matters into my own hand and be a passive student from university for a year to focus on music production.
I first dismissed it, but then remembered the concept of the Hero's Journey and told myself that as hard as it may be, I have to sit down with my parents and tell them that I want to become a passive student for a year and focus on music production solely.
Unfortunately to come out with this plan wasn't as easy as it would be for most people because all throughout my life I had been very tight-fistedly guided by my parents regarding every decision I make so this was the first time I actually stood up for myself pretty much ever. They didn't agree with my decision, but luckily I didn't give in and stood my ground.
This was also a scary decision because while many of my friends were happy being stuck studying majors they don't like, I would still break out of the norm and embark on a journey that none of them had the courage to do so I would get judged. But then again I had to remind myself and trust the principles of life that eventually this is the decision that's going to bring great results in my life later on.

Fast forward to today, the unfortunate truth is that it's been 8 months since I made that decision and in a sense externally not much has changed...
Although I did have mild success in the process, the fact of the matter is that during the past year and a half after seeing Leo's video about Shamanic Breathing I highly resonated with the technique and realized the potential and capability it has to work on my emotional wounds/traumas/social anxiety/spiritual journey when combined with meditation, which was/is also an area of my life I wanted to fix for a long time. Until this point I had taken multiple week-long retreats here at home where I would work on myself all day long for 5/7 day durations, the results of which have been pretty astronomical, therefore as expected, with growth comes a lot of suffering, however since I'm generating results, I've been loving the process regardless.
Since then I also started combining these techniques with a more "Western-style" approach with the addition of journaling.
I also read one of the books on Leo's booklist that suggests you tell your entire life story in your intimate relationship in order to stop hiding your secrets and be authentic, which I realized would be a great exercise to do with my parents combined with telling them how I don't necessarily appreciate them not letting me live my own life and practice opening up about myself, which I've been ashamed to do all my life. This behaviour is probably one of the reasons why I can't take the next step and I have to write this long forum post right now.
Luckily I cringe at myself looking back where I was psychologically a year or two ago, which is a good sign however the problem is these results have mostly been internal and it's generating external results I'm struggling with...

Back to music production, throughout the months since I decided to take it up full time I went through this grueling process of forcing myself to produce music, sometimes with little success/consistency for days, but then falling back into lazyness and procrastination. The reason for this probably has to do with the fact that I'm just really enjoying doing work on myself, because I'm seeing results from it combined with the fact that I have a lack of success with dating/attracting the opposite sex which is taking a toll on me mentally, which seems to be getting worse as time goes on.
I also became really interested in solving this issue, as this is something that doesn't come naturally to me, therefore I started reading books/watching videos about relationships/female psychology/sex/PUA. While this was very helpful and by changing many of my misinterpreted/outdated mindsets I've grown a lot, however the more I knew, the more mentally taxing/depressed I became, because I just know that I don't have it in me to go out onto the streets and start approaching women, therefore I made a commitment to find a job somewhere along the line and go to some bootcamp where this can get fixed. Whether it was a mistake or not, I'd usually dismiss these needs, because I would tell myself that I'm living through a phase of my life right now, where I'm focusing on my life purpose, and that I'll be focusing on fixing this area of my life later, however at the same time as I've mentioned before, I'm failing hard with my life purpose, so it doesn't even make any sense. I'm strongly considering the option of perhaps just finding a job until I get back to university in February and somehow making enough money to be able to fix this issue for once and all, however I'm not entirely sure if this should be my #1 priority right now or not because on the one hand this is one small issue that doesn't compare to the fact that my life purpose seems to be in the shitter, but at the same time my lack of results in this field are causing lots of suffering and depression.

At one point in April I broke down in heavy tears, because I never struggled so much with something I love (music production) and I didn't understand why it was so hard to get anything done. I questioned whether this was the path for me. I didn't know if I had to reprioritize my expectations and continue, take a break and do things I enjoy doing (reading books, perhaps fitting in another retreat or do something more casual such as hang out with friends.)
I did end up taking a break, however I still wasn't sure whether to quit it completely or not. If I quit completely I felt like I would give in to my ego, so I ended up taking a break hoping that when I come back, things would pick up and the whole issue can be left behind.
Not the case... I would again get motivated, be productive for a few days and fall off and end up feeling hopeless and depressed.
Around this time I had also come to the realization that as I'm growing myself somehow I can feel this "distinction" occuring between my life purpose and who I'm becoming. It's like on the one hand I'm growing, and while I'm still passionate about music as I'm writing this, it feels like there are these two different personalities fighting between each other. One wants to continue working on my life purpose and the other half wants to keep expanding it's consciousness and branch out into Kriya Yoga and potentially psychedelics as well. And whenever I would question and finally give up on my life purpose my ego would settle in again (As I mentioned above...) and sprinkle these tiny bits of motivation that would make me reevaluate the whole situation again.

The change has been so enermous that if I'm truly honest, I've also considered just working on my emotions/doing the work that's been working until February, when I go back to university, and somehow blindly hope that with the building of this new mental foundation, the look of which I cannot envision yet, however it's definitely uncovering my authentic personality in a slow, but noticable manner. It's like I'm beginning to get in touch with a part of myself that was repressed/unavailable for at least 10 years, which I'm really enjoying. I've noticed in the interactions I'm having with people that I'm much more comfortable in my skin and I'm much more grounded in my values and personality traits. My hope is that if I took this approach I would be able to navigate through this phase in a much clearer/greater manner, on the other hand I may be just deluding myself with hopelessness and what's needed is to take matters into my own hands instead of trusting any process to magically deliver results in some indirect manner.

This summer I got to a point where during one meditation session I just completely let my life purpose go, because I'm so sick of this cycle at this point and it's causing me so much depression and misery that I'm not even sure it's worth pursuing this anymore. On the one hand cultivating your life purpose is hard at the beginning, however you also have to know when to quit something. At the same time I'm scared of retaking the course, because even if I found out my life purpose, it would be something I wouldn't be comfortable sharing with people and couldn't imagine myself doing due to fear of judgement.

Lately I've been so frustrated with trying to get a grip on everything that's going on in life that I decided to take a short break from everything and meet a few couple of friends I haven't seen in a long time.
One of these meetings occured two days ago with a friend from high-school. He's asked me how I was doing, told him the fact that I became a passive student from university, decided to dedicate all my time producing music and pretty much stopped there as there was nothing more to tell...
I asked him how he was and he went into quite a lot of detail(s). The more in depth he went into how he has been doing for the two years we haven't seen each other the more jealous and depressed I got...
This guy has basically had his life purpose since age 10 and he's pretty much killing it right now teaching it to people. As a result of this he's getting invited on to holidays, people are taking notice of him and he is far from peaking. He's also this incredibly extraverted guy, who women throw themselves onto, because he's basically the most confident guy I've ever known all my life. Like it's ridiculous, all these PUA teachers you see on YouTube are an absolute fucking joke compared to him and he's had this personality since I've know him.

After this meeting I got home and basically broke down in tears.
To ease up on myself I listened to Leo's Motivational Speech he gave 2 years ago and then the Escaping Wage Slavery episode as for some reason I found that would resonate with me right now. As I was listening to the Wage Slavery episode I've realized how important finding your life purpose earlier in your life is, which I was never encouraged by my parent(s) and how fucking unlucky I was with my dating situation and it became really clear how I'm being stuck in a loop and I'm basically there are small inclinations of what I should be doing but at the same time I'm scared to do anything because any action I took would probably reveal another layer of my authentic self which I'm just not comfortable revealing yet. I also realized again how literally I've achieved no results externally and sort of realized the cost of obtaining these results are, but to be 100% honest with you guys here I'm not necessarily sure I have it in me.

As I'm thinking all this I'm trying to carefully remind myself to stop fucking bitching about and take 100% responsibility, but I've given myself this 100% responsibility talk so many times that I might as well forget about it. Of course as I'm thinking this I'm trying to remind myself not to give up and remember what the fuck the alternative is and even if I don't know what my life purpose is, how I'm going to sort out my dating life, let alone be able to access higher states of consciousness, the alternative is literal death.
It's like so fucking ridiculous...
It feels as though during the last two years I had gotten my life from Level -50 to Level -35, and even that is thanks to all this strategizing, meditating, cultivation of mental toughness, figuring my "life purpose" out, listening to Actualized.org and putting in the practices and making of all the important commitments Leo's talking about all the time and this is how far it has gotten me...
Then there's this guy, who does none of this and goes from Level 10 to 50 in two years with probably not nearly as much effort as I have to put in, because he's just pretty much had it figured out from a young age, his parents encouraged him to follow his passions, he's got this extraordinarily open and outgoing personality which is probably the main factor why he's killing it.
At this point the picture's finally starting to come together and I'm realizing just how incredibly fucking stuck I am and how imprisoned I am by my lack of experiences, lack of guidance throughout my younger years and I'm pissed that I have not one friend who would be on this path, who would at least give me that extra 10% push which would maybe, just maybe enable me to figure out what the next step is and that I have to basically do all the work myself which at this point I'm realizing I just haven't been able to do.
At the same time I also try to remind myself that at least I'm very ambitious, I'm in good hands with Actualized.org and at least to be proud of myself for not settling for anything less than the vision of beauty, self-improvement, creativity and love at all cost and try to remind myself to take 100% responsibility for anything that's happening to me and commit to figuring my life out even if it takes as long as I die.

As I'm thinking all this my dad calls me into the bathroom saying "My dear!" like a pussy while he's barely able to stand on his own two feet, due to being so incredibly overweight holding on to the walls and asking if I could bring him some toilet paper. I closely examine him top to bottom and think to myself: "Jesus fucking Christ..."

So all in all...
If you've read this far, I'd like to thank you it means a lot, however it's time to get to the point, enough rambling from me.
What do you recommend I do? I've been stuck for a long time now and it's time to put things into perspective with your help.
A, Stick to my current life purpose, somehow hope that this cycle of psyching myself out, becoming depressed and then getting motivated for a few days suddenly ends and good things will happen, because we all know that life purpose cultivation takes a lot of work and a lot of patience.
B, Continue solely working on emotional mastery until February like a motherfucker, because that's seemingly showing promising results and hope that my vision/purpose becomes clearer as I'm growing myself to this new foundation that I intuit I'm progressing towards and hope that throughout this process my life purpose/whatever the next step for me is gets realized.
C, Retake the life purpose course right now this very moment hoping that this is the right time to do that.
D, Sell all my music production equipment, find a job online and go hard on that so that I can improve my dating life, the lack of success where is also causing me shitton of suffering.
E, Find a job to be able to afford a psychedelic retreat and tell my parents that I don't give a fuck what objections they come up with againts the idea of that and hope that such a retreat will show me something I'm clearly not seeing right now/not able to act on for whatever reason.

Once again, thank you for your replies in advance! I highly appreciate each and one of them. This post took me approximetly 3,5 hours to write.
Alternative options also appreciated! Sorry for all the tears of sorrow but I had to get it off my chest.

Edited September 4, 2019 by Marcell Kovacs
Additional info.

[SgtPepper]

I value education.

So I think you should back to school at the very least on a part time basis while working on music production. University is not just about academia which will improve cognition, time management skills, and studying skills; but you also meet people, get new perspectives, and open more doors for yourself.

you're job at 18 should be pursuing higher education to give yourself a reliable grounded skill/degree that people will pay you for while pursuing your passion and self-actualizing yourself. 

[Marcell Kovacs]

23 minutes ago, SgtPepper said:

I value education.

So I think you should back to school at the very least on a part time basis while working on music production. University is not just about academia which will improve cognition, time management skills, and studying skills; but you also meet people, get new perspectives, and open more doors for yourself.

you're job at 18 should be pursuing higher education to give yourself a reliable grounded skill/degree that people will pay you for while pursuing your passion and self-actualizing yourself. 

Thank you for your insight! I'm definitely going back to school in February, however I'm 22 instead of 18.

[Aeris]

Music production time of work needed to have a Mastery degree and live from it - 15 000 / 40 000 hours. ( At list 10 years )

First good looking shit after 1 year

Your first well ok work after 5 years

And real shit Banger After 8-10 years.

That's approximative considering how you practice and many factors. But this is more realistic.

I m at 5 years+7k hours , soon and I m still deepening my understanding. I abused taking stims weed to work 14h a day. and push myself to the limit. And now I even need a break phase. Hard when it was a daily habit. 

Ready when ready for music. I forgot about living from it for now there is no rush

Edited September 4, 2019 by Aeris

[tsuki]

@Marcell Kovacs Oh man, reading that was a rollercoaster. Whew!
I can recognize the 22 year-old me that could have written it, but I'm not sure that he would be able to listen to what I have to say. Nonetheless...

First of all: chill the fuck down.
Your drive is absolutely amazing and I'm 100% sure that it will blossom into something superhuman, but this shit needs time. 

You should get one thing out of your mind: if you have not succeeded then it does not mean that you've wasted your time.
You may have chosen where you want to be, but that does not mean it's really what's best for you. You try this and fail, you try that and fail, this goes well.. oh and another failure. Then, 3 years down the road you look back at your mistakes go: OH MY GOD! and see how they all synergize to create your unique niche. Refine your life purpose with your failures.

Second of all, I think that you are more sensitive than you are able admit to yourself. That is not an insult. That is a statement about your intelligence. There are people that will finish their lap twice as fast as you do, but if you want to compare against them, you need to know the length of their track.  Music and art are a form of expression. YOU are the thing that is being expressed, your soul. The deeper you dig, the more beautiful and nuanced it becomes, and the more refined your aesthetic taste is. That is how your inner work synergizes with your life purpose. If your technical skill does not match your aesthetic nuance, you will get discouraged. Technical skill at creating art is incredibly important too, don't ditch your practice and don't get discouraged. It takes years to master it.

Third of all, I'm under the impression that your parents are successful, driven people that want the best for you.
Do not make the mistake of pressuring yourself to match their accomplishments, however tempting it may be.
If they have expectations of you, then that is because they love you and want the best for you. What is best for you is to be you, even if that means being poor or unpopular. Only you know who you are.

Lastly, be mindful of the cycle between your high motivation and utter depression.
The harder you push, the more depressed you are. That is because you don't know how to pace yourself.
Your drive is absolutely golden platinum diamond 100%, but you need to take care of your body and mental state as you put it to work.
Be gentle with yourself. 

Edited September 4, 2019 by tsuki

[Marcell Kovacs]

36 minutes ago, tsuki said:

@Marcell Kovacs Oh man, reading that was a rollercoaster. Whew!
I can recognize the 22 year-old me that could have written it, but I'm not sure that he would be able to listen to what I have to say. Nonetheless...

First of all: chill the fuck down.
Your drive is absolutely amazing and I'm 100% sure that it will blossom into something superhuman, but this shit needs time. 

You should get one thing out of your mind: if you have not succeeded then it does not mean that you've wasted your time.
You may have chosen where you want to be, but that does not mean it's really what's best for you. You try this and fail, you try that and fail, this goes well.. oh and another failure. Then, 3 years down the road you look back at your mistakes go: OH MY GOD! and see how they all synergize to create your unique niche. Refine your life purpose with your failures.

Second of all, I think that you are more sensitive than you are able admit to yourself. That is not an insult. That is a statement about your intelligence. There are people that will finish their lap twice as fast as you do, but if you want to compare against them, you need to know the length of their track.  Music and art are a form of expression. YOU are the thing that is being expressed, your soul. The deeper you dig, the more beautiful and nuanced it becomes, and the more refined your aesthetic taste is. That is how your inner work synergizes with your life purpose. If your technical skill does not match your aesthetic nuance, you will get discouraged. Technical skill at creating art is incredibly important too, don't ditch your practice and don't get discouraged. It takes years to master it.

Third of all, I'm under the impression that your parents are successful, driven people that want the best for you.
Do not make the mistake of pressuring yourself to match their accomplishments, however tempting it may be.
If they have expectations of you, then that is because they love you and want the best for you. What is best for you is to be you, even if that means being poor or unpopular. Only you know who you are.

Lastly, be mindful of the cycle between your high motivation and utter depression.
The harder you push, the more depressed you are. That is because you don't know how to pace yourself.
Your drive is absolutely golden platinum diamond 100%, but you need to take care of your body and mental state as you put it to work.
Be gentle with yourself. 

I very much appreciate what you've just said! You do have many good points and I should probably be more gentle with myself, that's for sure!

[crab12]

You went through a lot of struggle and then you saw your old friend who has a great life, confidence, women, everything that you want just handed to him and he never had to struggle for any of it like you do. That's a difficult thing to come to terms with.

To get the things that you want (success with women, enough money, recognition with music, expanded consciousness), it'll easily take you 10 year of intense consistent work, like 12 hours of work every day for the next 10 years, and you'll face even bigger obstacles and struggle than you already do. Do you see the problem here? You're not going to be able to take on such a commitment yet. As you said it yourself you are in a cycle of "becoming depressed and then getting motivated for a few days". That's not going to get any better by itself. You have to deal with it first.

You already do "try to remind myself to take 100% responsibility" but that's not quite enough, you don't get it fully yet. You have victim thinking as you said:

Quote

but to be 100% honest with you guys here I'm not necessarily sure I have it in me.

And the fact that seeing your friend succeed makes you jealous, feels unfair and demotivating to you. You see, just having a vision for your life, by itself, is not enough to put you into action working towards it. You also have to believe that you can do the things you envisioned. If you think you don't have it in you then you aren't going to be able to take on the massive fucking effort that it requires. Because how could you? Why would you work 12 hours every day for the next 10 years if perhaps it will only be a waste of time? You'll get discouraged and tired only a few weeks in, you'll get depressed, you'll get demotivated when you see how easy your friend has it, you'll give up when you stumble upon the next seemingly impossible obstacle (and there will be plenty of those down the road). Watch Leo's video on victim thinking if you haven't already:

Personally for me it took something like 100 hours of contemplation to break free from victim thinking. For example, I also wanted to succeed with women. So I asked myself why can't I do it? Then my mind comes up with a list of reasons. I pick one of those and ask, well why can't I overcome that? And so on. Until you get to the bottom of it and find that all your reasons and excuses are not true. Any obstacle will eventually crumble if you keep working at it. There is always a workaround or a solution. If you get to creator mindset then your friends success won't bother you anymore because there will only be the things that you want to create and the things you gotta do to create them.

Hopefully by now you can see that if you had creator mindset (you'd believe that you are able to create everything that you want to create) you wouldn't need to ask us what's the right thing to do. You would just go for the thing that you want the most and make it happen.

After breaking out of victim thinking you'll run into a couple more internal obstacles / ego deception: distractions, tendency to avoid emotional effort / struggle / negative emotions / failure, unproductive daily habits etc. But no need to worry about them yet.

Best of luck!

One more thing: after you initially break out of victim thinking, it will return in a few days. There's a thing called "forgetfulness" in spirituality. That's why they pray 5 times a day in islam for example. That's why in my every day meditation routine I go over victim thinking, again and again, because otherwise it will return sooner or later. It will get easier though in time.

Edited September 4, 2019 by crab12
one more thing

[Marcell Kovacs]

@crab12 Huh, that’s a different perspective!

Yeah I’m definitely aware of my victim thinking/mentality which I have to work on because clearly things aren’t working so well because of it. I’ll definitely be journaling on my limiting beliefs and question each and every one of them to death.

[Extreme Z7]

STRATEGIZE, man.

You're putting too much on your plate. Focus on a few things at a time. If you think that you need to pursue getting a job and dating first then do that and still do your music production on the side when you can.

You should definitely be able to stop thinking about going on a psychedelic retreat for a while at your age. If i were you, I'd set that aside until my thirties. Focus on what you can realistically achieve first. At your age, it's probably best to be an avid book reader and get really into contemplation so you can get a high-quality understanding of the world and yourself.

All these stuff are good but you have to a follow a path to get to all of them rather than thinking about them all at once. It'll be incredibly tough and require a lot of patience but it's worth it.

I myself am at your exact age and also have music production as my main life purpose. I've had my own mistakes that I don't have the time to lay out here. I've pretty much realized on my own that I can't really focus solely on music production and expect success right away. Even after 8 months, it's still not going to be enough.

Life works in counter-intuitive ways. You may find golden nuggets in completely unexpected places.

Edited September 5, 2019 by Extreme Z7

[Marks199]

@Marcell Kovacs Hi, well I didn't read all the story you posted. But one of the life purposes should be getting is independent of your parents. At the moment I am 24 and I am starting my first business as a fitness coach. But one of the key basics that I have is the loneliness which lets me think through and not do the same errors I did because I also listened to my parents I and went to university they told me(at least you haven't done that). At least for me, it helped me and I got many insights from what I failed. If you have a big ego then I would suggest that you do body awareness to wash yourself from yourself but with a positive affirmation like: "I only do two hours of body awareness every day." I also took  the life purpose course and remember this is 40000 hours mastery process a double marathon in which you have to pace yourself or you will get the Jojo effect. Lastly I recommend two videos:  

[Marks199]

 

Ask yourself if you are feeling comfortable with your body and also develop your left hand and left leg if you havent developed them for being more patient. 

[daniel695]

i havent read the whole thing but, with limiting beliefs you wont get anywhere you will sabotage yourself. so work on clearing your negative beliefs. 

Edited September 5, 2019 by daniel695

[Marcell Kovacs]

@Extreme Z7 @Marks199 @daniel695

Thank you for your insight, guys, it's greatly appreciated! You all definitely are sharing valuable information which I'm going to be acting on.

[Raphael]

@Marcell Kovacs

It seems like you experienced similar emotional states that I did. I'm also 22 by the way and the last few years have been pretty rough, especially the last one. If you don't see external results it doesn't mean that you are not growing, for example, I feel much more mature, at peace, and satisfied with life compared to last year where I was highly depressed and experiencing panic attacks.

However, even with that I still have many issues.

 

 

 

 

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On 9/4/2019 at 9:50 AM, Marcell Kovacs said:

 

 

 

 

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On 9/4/2019 at 9:50 AM, Marcell Kovacs said:

At one point in April I broke down in heavy tears, because I never struggled so much with something I love (music production) and I didn't understand why it was so hard to get anything done. I questioned whether this was the path for me. I didn't know if I had to reprioritize my expectations and continue, take a break and do things I enjoy doing (reading books, perhaps fitting in another retreat or do something more casual such as hang out with friends.)
I did end up taking a break, however I still wasn't sure whether to quit it completely or not. If I quit completely I felt like I would give in to my ego, so I ended up taking a break hoping that when I come back, things would pick up and the whole issue can be left behind.
Not the case... I would again get motivated, be productive for a few days and fall off and end up feeling hopeless and depressed.

I experienced something like this, I didn't break into tears but just lay down on the floor because I was unable to even move to go work on my computer as I was kicking myself too much, putting enormous negativity and pressure on me.

I also think we should not be neurotic about having a life purpose. At one point I realized that my life purpose was all about ego, I wanted it to feel good, to feel like I was improving the world and doing better and being superior to other people. When I realized it my entire world collapsed and I fall into depression.

Life purpose is not important in the end as we're all going to die. It feels very important when it's rooted in ego, where a high conscious life purpose naturally comes from selflessness and doesn't feel important, but more like life going smoothly even with it's unforeseen.

I didn't even take the Life Purpose Course, yet I feel that I'm going into a certain direction. In my opinion, the most important thing at our age is financial independence and building a high-quality infrastructure on which to count until the end.

On 9/4/2019 at 9:50 AM, Marcell Kovacs said:

 

 

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On 9/4/2019 at 9:50 AM, Marcell Kovacs said:

If you've read this far, I'd like to thank you it means a lot, however it's time to get to the point, enough rambling from me.
What do you recommend I do? I've been stuck for a long time now and it's time to put things into perspective with your help.
A, Stick to my current life purpose, somehow hope that this cycle of psyching myself out, becoming depressed and then getting motivated for a few days suddenly ends and good things will happen, because we all know that life purpose cultivation takes a lot of work and a lot of patience.
B, Continue solely working on emotional mastery until February like a motherfucker, because that's seemingly showing promising results and hope that my vision/purpose becomes clearer as I'm growing myself to this new foundation that I intuit I'm progressing towards and hope that throughout this process my life purpose/whatever the next step for me is gets realized.
C, Retake the life purpose course right now this very moment hoping that this is the right time to do that.
D, Sell all my music production equipment, find a job online and go hard on that so that I can improve my dating life, the lack of success where is also causing me shitton of suffering.
E, Find a job to be able to afford a psychedelic retreat and tell my parents that I don't give a fuck what objections they come up with againts the idea of that and hope that such a retreat will show me something I'm clearly not seeing right now/not able to act on for whatever reason.

A. If you feel like you cannot continue with your life purpose at the moment, it's probably better to take a break and come to it again after six months or one year.
B. Yes, do this and continue to meditate, do yoga, and other spiritual practices.
C. No, but maybe later.
D and E. I don't know for the job. In my case, I quit college two years ago, on one hand, I have a less variety of experience, on the other hand I'm earning money, improving the skills I need in my job and being more independent. This is your choice. I also think a little retreat (even without psychedelics) will be pretty powerful,  you probably need a lot of alone time. In my experience, this is what helped me the most getting out my depressive state with a meditation habit and psychotherapy.

Good luck my friend

[TheSomeBody]

even though my life purpose connected with psycadelics , i see yoga and expending my consciousness as a trap. life porpuse should be your main area of searching and doing and some times do consciousness work . 

[iTommy]

@Marcell Kovacs

Much of what you wrote reminds me about myself. Maybe some of the upcoming words, resonate with you too. Currently, I feel quite hopeless (depression etc.), things are getting quite overwhelming for me. Never really felt I fit in anywhere, and the societal expectations that are considered to be "normal", amplify my neurotic thought/emotional processes big time, to the point where I would rather be done with my experience of life. My life-purpose is also to create music. Feeling truly alive and aligned, effortless self-expression that touches the hearts/souls of other beings. Yet, I am also very much drawn to consciousness work (Kriya, Psychedelics, Meditation etc.), embodying one-ness and working on my inner world. The expectations I have for myself are quite high, too high I reckon currently, and the energy gets drawn into many facets at once which don't produce steady results long-term because I might look into or try something, and then eventually drop it, then find something else, and repeat. I need to really focus on a few things at a time, instead of trying to go for 3+ things at once, or else there will only be dabbling, which I've done for years. 

Although my life-purpose has to do with music, I don't follow it strictly and focused because of my inner-emotional state. There are days where I feel this urge and pressure to really go for it, practicing and so on. Then there are days where I can't really focus, and feelings of depression settle in.

There are times where I want to drop it all (including my LP), pack my stuff and just go some place into nature. But, dropping my LP would be pretty mean inner-death to me, so I still go for it. I see much potential within me, but the mind is scattered and unfocused, usually very analytical (but not in a good sense). There's not much I can share with the world in regards to LP and similar... yet.

Anyway... some key-points that apply to me, that might also apply to you

• Things need to be set in place slowy, with patience and compassion for oneself. 
• Don't channel your energy and time into many things at once.
• Create a viable strategy to achieve whatever your goals are, and think longterm.
• Comparing yourself to others, is a waste of time and energy. Their own biological makeup and conditions of life don't apply to you.
• Notice when you put too much pressure on yourself, the more you fight the more resistance you might get.
• It's okay to take time for yourself, the more emotionally/mentally equipped you feel to handle yourself and life, the smoother the ride.
• Breathe, feel into your body.
• Be aware of what you tell yourself, your judgements about how things and you "should" be, fears etc.
• Take some time to reflect, see what lessons can be taken out of previous experience and what can be learned, are there things that bother you that might be worthwhile to adress (shadow-work, emotional healing, limiting beliefs etc.)?
• Do your best, and when you feel that you can't for whatever reason then do your best to accept and surrender to it. Afterall, there are times where our "best" is not on the same level as previous and even future times, and that's ok.
• Practice self-love and acceptance. Your ability to feel joy and happiness, depends on how much you truly love yourself (all of it, every aspect).

 

 

[Marcell Kovacs]

@Raphael @TheSomeBody Thank you guys, much appreciated! 

@iTommy Thank you to you as well and I wish you all the best too! Keep at it and eventually the tides will turn in your favour!