How to deal with a verbally abusive mother

[Chumbimba]

First of all I would like to transparent and say that sometimes I feel like I don’t belong on this forum. I often make post and get no responses when I really need help. I know people read them too so I just want to be honest how I feel about that. But enough bitching. This is going to be a long one but I REALLLLLLLLLY need help with this.

Disclaimer: I AM NOT TRYING TO PLAY VICTIM ! I know I am completely responsible for my reactions to my mother, but this hurts me so much that I have a hard time solving this on my own. My mom and I have the worst relationship. It would take too long to describe the depth of our poor relationship so I’m going to give it the best way I can.

I feel like my mom hates me. I have felt that way for my whole life. She is not emotionally available at all. She’s very cold and rude to me. I end up getting cycles of shame, guilt, bitterness and even fear after speaking with her often times. She also has wished death on me many times because I have talked back to her when she talks to me poorly. I feel like every time she does that years are being taken off my life. She has beaten me, has had my dad beat me and nearly choke me to death, called cops on me, put me into mental institutions for me talking shit and being angry with her after beating me. Told me she doesen’t care what happens to me. She says that I am a horrible son, that I am bipolar, That she hates me. That I am a coward, a piece of shit, a weak ass hole and many other names. She is hyper critical about my looks and never listens to me when I talk to her. Every relationship I get she sabotages it by talking really poorly to my girlfriends and I get put in predicaments where that causes tension between me and my girlfriend. But on the other hand there are times she’s really there for me and loving towards me, but then it always ends up back into shit talk and new calling and dragging me down in the end. It’s a vicious cycle and I’m sick of it. I don’t know what to do.  This only 1% of the things she said and done.I feel so abandoned. I’m 22 years old and I feel like nobody loves me. I feel like like everyone hates me. Why would anyone love me if my own mother doesn't even want to have anything to do with me. She always says “you talk about the same things all the time” or “  I don’t care what you have to say”. Every dream I have she shits on and tells me to become a psychiatrist because its “my gift.” I can’t even take Leo’s life purpose course seriously because in the back of my mind I think the only thing I can be is a Psychiatrist. I have given her 1,000s of dollars with no return of a single dime. 

I have tried cutting her out of my life, but the I end up feeling better without her in my life and then get into a cycle of guilt and shame because I shouldn’t be feeling good by cutting my mom out even though I hate her. I feel guilty for hating her and I feel like everyone hates me for hating my mom. Society says that “respect your parents”. How the fuck am I supposed to love and respect someone who shits on me constantly, belittles me and my apsirations and dreams and pretty much wants nothing to do with me unless its for her benefit. 

 

I don’t know where else to turn. I have tried therapy, meditation, watched Leo’s video on toxic people but nothing seems to work ! If I cut her off I am afraid of her dying and us ending on a bad note. I always get dragged back in.

 

I know this is long but please help me. I know I sound like a little bitch boy with mommy issues who can’t get off her tit, but this is really killing my soul slowly. I have resisted asking this forum about this because I don’t want to seem like a victim in a place where the motto is take 100% responsibility. I just really need help.

[ajasatya]

@Chumbimba Hi. You need to get out ASAP and live your own life. Your mother is just another human being, born from a father and a mother and who is going to die someday. Same for you.

If your mother cannot get her shit together, that's too bad for her. It doesn't mean that your life has to be miserable. Your mother has the characteristics of someone who's really good at emotional manipulation and she's been doing that to you, sometimes consciously and sometimes unconsciously.

Become aware of that and do not fall for the same guilt trap BS. You are a human being, you are alive and you have the right to have an amazing life.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk about something that you don't want to share here. I can also help you plan your way out.

[Marks199]

Get independent however you know. And take the life purpose course to listen to the videos twice or more times

 

 

 

Edited September 3, 2019 by Marks199

[Marks199]

@Chumbimba Hi listen to the videos more than twice a thousand times. And take the lifepoupose course of Leo its fulled by the wisdom of these videos. You are not the only one that had an abusive mother I had her too. She destroyed me and my whole career I left my university and my safe job. And after a catastrophe that I lived, I am getting independent and newborn again in a new country it's hard and painful sometimes I cry but you just have to work more on yourself because it seems that you have a lot of ego in yourself.

[Marks199]

here is a web page to volunteer and live somewhere else https://www.worldpackers.com/

 

[Yurani]

@Chumbimba

Your mom is extremely toxic...but you already knew that. 

Your mom has repeatedly shown that she has absolutely no respect for you...but you already knew that too. 

Any other person in your situation would have cut her out of their life a looooong time ago... and I'm sure you've heard that one before as well. 

But do you want to hear something I have a feeling you don't know? You deserve better. Read that again. You, yes YOU, deserve better than how you're currently being treated. 

Irregardless of what has transpired between the two of you throughout your childhood, the role of a mother is to protect her children, nurture them, and love them unconditionally. As far as I can tell from what you've included in your post, she's done the exact opposite of that and hasn't shown any signs of her willingness to change. Your mother has failed you and that is NOT YOUR FAULT. I'm not going to tell you that you should completely cut her off because clearly you've tried that in the past and it just hasn't worked for you. Instead, I suggest you keep her at an arms distance; limit the amount of contact you have with her to whatever you feel is appropriate in order for you to still grow and not be dragged down by her negativity and toxic energy. Whether that is a phone call every two weeks or once every 3 months, that is for you to decide. 

You can't control your mother; you've never been able to in the past and never will be able to in the future. However, what you do have control over is yourself and how you choose to navigate through this life. Don't let her crush your dreams or break your spirits. Nobody and I mean absolutely NOBODY, should have that much control over you. If you don't want to be a psychiatrist, don't be a psychiatrist. If you want to pack up all your stuff and become a monk, go for it! If you want to open up your own meditation camp, why the hell not? 

Before you came on this forum, you knew exactly what needed to be done. However, I have a feeling that you posted anyways because you wanted someone else to tell you what to do. But guess what? You need to stop listening to other people and finally start listening to yourself. Because if you only do things for the sake of pleasing others you'll be miserable. Trust me, I've been there before. 

Your mother has completely ruined any ounce of self-esteem you had but it's going to be up to you to get it back. It doesn't matter how much I, or anybody else for that matter, tells you how worthy you are or how much better you deserve. Until you start believing it, and I mean REALLY believing it, nothing will change. Your future is all going to depend on you and the choices you make. 

But remember, you're never alone...

 

 

Edited September 8, 2019 by Yurani

[Ananta]

On 9/2/2019 at 8:09 PM, Chumbimba said:

If I cut her off I am afraid of her dying and us ending on a bad note. I always get dragged back in.

Hi, I didn't read any other responses.

I have first hand experience with this as well, except the verbal/emotional abuse I suffered happened when my alcoholic mother would be drunk, not when sober. Regardless, it sucked and I also got tired of it.

3 times I cut her out of my life for several years, but something always made me go back (for example, her spouse had a massive stroke and became quadriplegic).

Anyways, at the end, I cut her out again and 2 years later she got very sick (I won't go into what happened) and I had to talk to her again, which I did. She had a turn for the worst and died 3 days later.

It's been a complete relief to not have to think about her anymore. Only someone suffering at the hand of their own mother will understand that comment.

Good luck.

Edited September 8, 2019 by Anna1

[Forestluv]

Didn’t you mention earlier that you will be studying abroad for 4 months? This could be a good opportunity to get distance and focus on yourself. I’d also try to shift toward building a support group outside your parents and becoming financially independent of them. It sounds like a very unhealthy environment. 

[allislove]

@Chumbimba I suggest to find a way to go out from the home. Go to university far away from home for example. So you can see your family but really rarely. When you are far away from home start forgiving your mother and family. That's how you grow in life - by forgiving them, but also being on distance from them and having your own life. Good luck. 

[Ananta]

36 minutes ago, dimitri said:

When you are far away from home start forgiving your mother and family.

Unless, his mother is verbally abusive over the phone, then distance doesnt matter, unfortunately. This was my case.