A young psychonaut's journal

[Xochiquetzal]

Thanks to some of Leo’s videos, I am relizing that I’m already 18 years old now and that those last years, i’ve been living a rather unconscious life, blocked by a radical lack of selm esteem and an unhealthy comfort zone which mostly constisted in being lazy, smoking hash and daydreaming while listening to music or walking outside . Even though those hours of daydreaming were a very important part of my life an they brought me many insights, I feel like I have to go forward and actually do stuff now . I also commited myself toward enlightenment and living the best life I can .

 

Psychedelics and dissociatives, which I have first discovered two years from now first destroyed my depression that I had since my early teens, but they also helped me discover a whole other world and slowly sent me to the path of enlightenment .

 

For  what comes to my life purpose, I am still kind of hestistant since I do have quite opposite fields of passion, I would like to find a way to combine all those . First of all, I would like to become the wisest version of myself, I am also a nature lover and I feel genuinely happy and fullfilled when I work in a small old school and organic farm . I feel like growing healthy food while respecting nature is one of the most fullfilling activities one can do . Though it pays very bad, it quite hard on the body and my parents would really not understand me if I directly went into this path . They are very orange like people regarding the spiral . So, my parents pushed me into studying political and human sciences, I successfully entered a « great » college . Even though I can find a lot of value in what I study, I still have a hard time living in a small and dirty town with very success focused students whith whom it is hard for me to find a common ground of interest . I felt so much better with the people of the farm where I spend this and last year’s summer .

 

My goals : 

 

° Meditate Daily

° Read Daily

° Stop abusing hash and weed

° Developping a nuanced and holistic view about modern political issues in order to worrk towards a more consciouss society

° Practice the guitar

° Improving my skills in mastering english and spanish

° Exploring further psychedelics and dissociatives

° Growing an Agreyia nervosa plant and moving towards to growing other plants 

° Contemplate daily the beauty of the world 

° Being good at collge

° Having a clean flat

° Journaling daily

 

I hope I will be able to trace some growth thanks to this journal . 

Peace everyone

[Xochiquetzal]

I’ve been quite addicted to cannabis since last year, though I finally see how it feeds a negative self-destructive part of me that i don’t like anymore . Cannabis used to loose me in the illusion that I felt good whereas I was just slowly sinking in depression and innaction . Though, I still notice that I am very weak towards cannabis and that’s why i want to forbid myself from smoking again . I don’ know for how long, hopefully forever .In the past I would never have had the bravoure to claim « I don’t want to smoke weed again » . But I claim it today .

I am also cleaning my flat which is something that had to be done and that i neglected too much .

 

I realized this summer, how much having a purpose, sane habits and a decent place to live was enough to bring me to such a natural good mood (of course, not everyday) that I don’t need cannabis anymore to fill a gap . Now that I understood that, I still have the hardest part to do : integrate this to my routine life which surely won’t be easy, but so fullfilling !

[Xochiquetzal]

I have a hard time being disciplined . I  don’t do much these days to be honest with myself . Yesterday and today, iwalked in my town, I juts wanted to enjoy the architecture and its beauty . I was not disappointed . Sometimes, when I’m in that kind of mood I can just look at anything as if it were art and contemplate its beauty while thinking a lot . in general, I just love contemplating beauty, whether it is visual or musical and doing nothing but thinking . From one perspective, it’s actually a good thing because well… those a easy moments of what seems to be genuine hapiness though, from another pesective, it just seems like I am lazy and I just love doing nothing which, in the long run will end up as a terrible prejudice . I know I have to move my ass  to finally ececute processes which will have an impact and results, but some part of me deeply rooted seems quite immature and afraid of taking action . It just loves thinking and contemplating but certainly, not taking risks or moving its ass !

 

I think I’m afraid to take action because my self esteem is not really great for the moment and I am very afraid of failure because of that rather low self-esteem . Though, it is a stupid vicious circle because not taking action is what creates my low self-esteem for the major part I guess …