No Personality

[Carson Ford]

How in the word do I possibly put this? Why do I feel like I have no personality of my own? It is something where I find myself start almost involuntarily acting like how I perceive others. I want to let go of my preconceptions and judgments of others and speak with others from a grounded point of view within myself and not worry about how they are perceiving me. In social settings, I feel lost and like everyone is looking toward me and like I'm going to be "found out." How in the universe do I just let go of myself and just be authentic!!!!!!!!!! Note, I am always able to make myself happy and present once I am alone again, in my own company. I love feeling unstoppable and confident in myself. Why can't I stop playing the victim and just maintain my self confidence when with others?

[okulele]

Maybe try to work on these issues when you are alone and safe? Contemplate the feelings you had, think about it, try to find the cause. Open yourself up to the answer, be patient, something will come out of it.

Check out Byron Katie's 'The Work'. Look into shadow work.

A couple of hours (maybe a lot less) of focused introspection should start to unravel this. That is, if you are determined enough to actually go inside and do it

[bejapuskas]

11 hours ago, Carson Ford said:

Why can't I stop playing the victim and just maintain my self confidence when with others?

Because you think that you can't stop, but in fact you can stop  And also you love being authentic so what's really the problem? Just thoughts.

[tsuki]

@Carson Ford Actually, that is how the personality works.
It mirrors the environment and is influenced through various channels throughout the day.
I would suggest observing how specific situations affect you and reflecting how that makes you feel.
If a certain situation haunts you, then it means that you weren't present to your emotions at the time and you gave in needlessly.
Using the knowledge gained from this self-reflection, go into social situations with the intent of listening to your body and being sincere. By being sincere, I mean: act in a way that you will not regret when you think back.
It does not mean that you should have a combative attitude, it is not anything wrong to give in when you feel like it is something right to do.

To decrease the anxiety of rejection, I would suggest grounding yourself.
By saying that, I mean - cutting the unnecessary complexity and dependencies from your life.
You don't need to shut yourself off from people, just make sure that you know which people are really important in your life and you can't manage without. This gives you a place to show gratitude and bond genuinely.

Edited September 1, 2019 by tsuki

[Nahm]

13 hours ago, Carson Ford said:

How in the word do I possibly put this? Why do I feel like I have no personality of my own? It is something where I find myself start almost involuntarily acting like how I perceive others. I want to let go of my preconceptions and judgments of others and speak with others from a grounded point of view within myself and not worry about how they are perceiving me. In social settings, I feel lost and like everyone is looking toward me and like I'm going to be "found out." How in the universe do I just let go of myself and just be authentic!!!!!!!!!! Note, I am always able to make myself happy and present once I am alone again, in my own company. I love feeling unstoppable and confident in myself. Why can't I stop playing the victim and just maintain my self confidence when with others?

Out & about, the mind is busy seemingly so by the ongoings, the atmosphere, the environment, by other people.  Though in truth, what is busy, is thinking, overthinking, which simply has not yet been let go. The root of which has not yet been understood, nor recognized. Repetition of thought patterns, blinded in the attempt of seeking refuge, resolve, in more thinking. A hollow thought, the very best of all of them - can never feel - and thus will never do, will never be enough, will never satisfy. 

Thinking is not what you’re looking for - and ‘what you are seeking, is seeking you’.Let go. Let go. Let go. 

Like clouds which appear to veil your being - you are searching in thoughts for the right cloud, a new way around them, attempting again & again to forge a path in-between, above or below. Anywhere, anyhow, but feelings, any-which way but inward, anything but allowing the truth of feeling. You is what parts the clouds. The you which sits and needs not a thing nor a thought. It is you which moves mountains. 

The source within ‘has your back’, from the inside. The covenant - it’ll never stop ‘when you say when’. A dear, and endearing promise. You’ve just got to start appreciating, loving yourself - choosing the better feeling, over any thought, putting how you feel first. Walk slow, in being, notice God puts ground beneath your feet. Do not take so much for granted, and your eyes, mind, and heart will open - this is the only certainty, there is no question of this, just as sure as you are. 

“Truly I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, 'Be taken up and cast into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says is going to happen, it will be granted him.”

Home, alone, it seems as if by magic - the skies are cleared, being appears once again, yet, an intuition it was always present, never left.

So puzzling - until - you inspect the sensations, a ‘clear of the thoughts’ follows - letting them go, again and again, again and again, again and again. Understanding follows, and understanding is infinite. It is worthwhile to get started, to start opening up. 

Freud believed there are no typos, no accidental slippages of the mind. I think he had a pint there. “How in the word do I possibly put this?”  How about using your words to solve it, rather than to recreated what does not feel good to you, what you do not want, again?

 

 

Get a very big dry erase board. 

Write on it:

 

”Why do I feel like I have no personality of my own?” 

Notice you are one, draw a line through each noun with the marker, until none remain - what is crossed out, are thoughts of things, an there is no such things as things, it’s your own thoughts which are the matter at hand - do this, and see what actually remains, is you. Begin to notice you have made a common place, a deep habit, of thinking about yourself, and thinking about what other people are thinking about you. Mistaking nouns, things, for your own thoughts, which you are choosing. A most innocent, and subtle arrogance. No thought about you could be true, as you will always be the awareness of - thoughts. 

 

“ It is some thing where I find my self start almost involuntarily acting like how I perceive others.

You are sitting right here man. None of that is actual, sans it is just thoughts. You are not in a thought story, you are here, present and aware. Careless in believing thoughts, instead, care-fully attend to how you feel. What comes in this, is more amazing than you can believe, so you have to see it for yourself. Might take a little faith on your part - to do what feels good to you, knowing it feels good. You might also notice an inherent simplicity in this ‘world’, or ‘words’ - the self evidence of feeling good. 

 

“I want to let go of my preconceptions and judgements of others and speak with others from a grounded point of view within myself and not worry about how they are perceiving me.”

Are you noticing yet how you are recreating this with the thoughts? There are six referential nouns in that one sentence, and in actuality there is one infinite entity. You don’t need to have the realization to get the logic of why thinking as such doesn’t feel good because it is not true. It is the thinking, overthinking, creating the the very perspective you are saying you want to be free of. You must notice, that you are creating it, so you can stop creating it. Meditation every single morning, slows the mind way down so you can notice this in ‘real time’ so to speak. Nothing is as good as another meditation, perhaps in the afternoon. 

 

“In social settings, I feel lost and like everyone is looking toward me and like I'm going to be "found out."

”I think too much.” They’re just thoughts. Address the overthinking. That’s what’s going on, and that’s all. 

 

“How in the universe do I just let go of myself and just be authentic!!!!!!!!!!”

Ha! Freudian slip of the Universe right through ya. You are the universe!

 

“I am always able to make my self happy and present once I am alone again, in my own company. I love feeling unstoppable and confident in my self. Why can't I stop playing the victim and just maintain my self confidence when with others?”

Because you’ve got it backwards basically. You’re not culminating confidence when you’re alone. You simple aren’t adding all the overthinking, and the mind settles, calms. The natural occurrence therefore, is being your true self, the unstoppable & confident one. I believe you are greatly underestimating how daily morning meditation every single day can radically change your life. 

Again, get a very big dry erase board, and start inspecting this stuff. It’s up to you when you’re all done paying the victim, and begin inspecting. 

When you are out, have fun, and also take pause. Notice the outward mind, perhaps in-between the conversations, while others talk with others - notice the outward mind. It’s a lot to take in, and it’s taking in a lot. 

Take pauses, little breaks away, go to the restroom or whatever. Redirect the mind inward, in normal ordinary fashion, subtly notice any tensions within the body, let go, relax. Notice that confidence arises on it’s own, naturally, organically, like a cork that was being held underwater by so many tensions & thoughts. That is Being. In the same sense, you do not make your self happy. Happy is your true nature - again, the “cork which floats”.

Inward still, more subtle, you are there. You will feel this Being, inward and still, the One, always home. You = Being. 

Notice the clouds, the micro judgements of self, of others. The shoulds, coulds, better thans, lesser thans...see them, see these thoughts arising, and choose how you feel instead, and let the thoughts go like so many clouds parting. Let go, hone subtly into the inner being, the source of true confidence, quietly waiting for you to finish all this thinking. Being is there within you, but it is unconditional. It will allow all. Let go! And Being is known. It is quite the jokester, in that it has always been right there, right in the heart of you. 

Believe in yourself, believe with all your being, love yourself, and love with all your being - this is the connection of the inner & outer worlds, and the distinctions we create. They are dualistic, this or that. Inspect the yin & yang, of your thoughts.  A thought about you is never true. Don’t settle for personality, you are the universe, the creator.  

 

Sometimes, Being needs to ‘break some shit’, expression of anger can be quite liberating - curative - just expressing it. A champaign cork if you will, let’s the bubbles out. Fitness, earbuds, and music is really great for this. 

I believe this guy gets you. Listen closely, really closely to his words.

Choose a better feeling, more true for you, thought. That’s it. (And make sure you have some tissue)

 

Sorry if it feels personal at all that I ‘went to town’ on your post. You’re taking brave steps here. Lot of people struggle with this but aren’t ready to take steps like you are, speaking up, asking questions - getting willing to inspect and liberate. 

Let go!