Overwhelm

[Dan502]

Every so often at work, I get asked to do something, like review some documents and unless they're introduced to me clearly, I get overwhelmed with fear and anger, refuse bluntly and get into trouble.

This pattern happened for years. It threatens my survival. I doubt it can be fixed. I suspect it's deeply linked to my problems relating to people. I'm very introverted. I can't do romantic relationships at all. Was a virgin til 29. I have an IQ of around 130 and did well at school and university. I've seen two psychologists who couldn't find any obvious disorders. I'm within the border range for an autism spectrum disorder (who isn't?) and have already had psychodynamic therapy for two years, to the point where I ran out of things to say. Big 5 personality tests show low agreeableness, high neuroticism, low conscientiousness, low openness and low extroversion.

Any thoughts welcome.

[Melwyn]

Hi Dan,

I am an introvert myself and get many times in trouble expressing my thoughts and feelings properly.

In Situations like you describe it. Is it possible for you to step back (for a moment) from your feeling of anger and fear and just observe them?

You say it is a pattern. Every pattern has an characteristic of being automatic/self acting. At the same time you are the one who chooses to act out the pattern. If you are unhappy that you cant stop acting out this pattern. Start to observe and accept it first. It happend many times and it will likely happen again. But stop giving this pattern so much power. (By the way im 26 and still a virgin)

greetings from germany

[Bill W]

Hey Dan,

It's worded like it's a work specific problem, is that the case? These are acute moments (as opposed to more chronic) overwhelm triggered by occasional difficult interactions at work? Do they come on suddenly when a request is communicated poorly or perhaps you are already overwhelmed and it's the straw that broke the camel's back kind of thing?

Love your honesty and also Melwyn reply above. I'm also highly introverted and trying to control aspects of my behaviour at work.

[Nahm]

@Dan502

Do you want to be working there? If not, have you made a dream board, expressing what you do want? Doing this, can turn a grind into a means to what you want, naturally evoking appreciation, gratitude and a feeling of synergy with life. 

Also, anything noteworthy transpire under the age of ten? Anything come to mind which might have made reality seem unreliable, undependable? 

[Dan502]

Thank you so much @Melwyn, @Bill W and @Nahm

I think it would be great if I could pinpoint a moment in the pattern when I could intervene.

I don't think it's work-specific, let's just put it that way.

I don't *want* to work anywhere, I came here looking for comfort; an easy job. I don't like work at all in general. I saw a career coach last year. I've applied to study psychotherapy too although that takes years, costs a bomb and may not even work out so I need another job in the meantime.

@Nahm to me your posts stand out on this forum as exceptionally wise although that's just my opinion.

I got bullied under ten, hated preschool (just sat around crying while other kids played), under five I was left unattended three times, once I set fire to a sofa, another time I tried to shave and cut myself, the third time I cut my lip when I fell on a bedside cabinet at 2 years old and needed stitches, I was also in a pushchair accident (my parents' friend was running with it, tripped, and it flipped over and landed upside down in nettles). I was born six weeks early because I wasn't getting fed correctly inside the womb. I was put in an incubator and my mother couldn't be with me for the first few days after I was born. I also doubt I got enough cuddles.

Edited August 30, 2019 by Dan502

[Dan502]

I always forget love.

[Nahm]

@Dan502 Just a reminder about the love, and a way you can never forget it...

It would not be possible to feel any discord whatsoever, such as anger, frustration, guilt, resentment, etc - if the basis of reality was not love. 

There would be no relativity, it would not be possible to feel any “negative emotions” without choosing a thought which does not feel good to you. 

We all to often glance over that “to you” part, but it’s the most important part.

The most important question is, “why is it that way? How is it even possible this thought does not feel good to me?”

 

[Dan502]

Thank you.

My brain's saying why can't we bundle love and happiness together with all those negative feelings/experiences you listed and call reality neutral?

I'm not suggesting my brain is any kind of authority on such matters. 

Edited September 2, 2019 by Dan502

[Nahm]

Because you are not neutral. It simple won’t do, because it’s a thought. 

Negative is on each of us if we created the concept, we can purify it too. 

It was created in, and is washed away in, innocence. 

You are the love, which can choose to believe a thought to the contrary, you are free to. 

In that way, meaning is created for  ‘neutral’.

But you are the love, and you just created that, by choosing it. 

 

I am suggesting you are the authority on all matters of love and truth. 

“The brain”, duality, thoughts, their usefulness, is very often revealed on very large dry erase boards. 

 

Uniquely difficult in ‘your’ case, maybe, because you’re actually humble. That’d make things a bit more tricky. 

[crab12]

Quote

Every so often at work, I get asked to do something, like review some documents and unless they're introduced to me clearly, I get overwhelmed with fear and anger, refuse bluntly and get into trouble.

Other people are presenting you documents in a way that you don't like because that's confusing to you and causing you more work. You get angry at this and you want to refuse. This is completely understandable. The solution here is not that you have to bite the bullet, to just accept the documents without saying a word even though it's making you angry. You really do want to tell other people how they should present you the documents and how they should treat you in general. But that's not an easy thing to do, it is very easy to mess up and cause unnecessary conflicts. You may want to learn this skill.

The problem here is that other people don't understand you. As you said it yourself you just "refuse bluntly". From their perspective you are just an asshole or lazy or difficult to work with. They need to give you that paper in order to get on with their work and you just bluntly refuse without giving a clear reason. Of course they are going to be frustrated with you. They don't understand that they are causing you confusion and more work with poorly formatted documents. You need to make them understand this.

I highly suggest you read this book, because this skill is way too complicated and nuanced to explain in a post:

https://www.amazon.com/People-Skills-Yourself-Resolve-Conflicts/dp/067162248X/ref=sr_1_2?crid=NNUHDH8QKKTM&keywords=people+skills&qid=1567506214&s=gateway&sprefix=people+skills%2Caps%2C254&sr=8-2

If you do read it, start from "Part three: assertion skills". The beginning will seem incredibly boring and dry if you don't get the big picture yet.

Also, if you are already spiritually advanced, you may want to dismiss my solution as being too "low conscious". Don't get trapped by this line of thinking. Enlightenment / ego death will not solve this problem by itself. If you want to solve this problem then you must solve it directly by doing the low and dirty work necessary.

As for the career part, sounds like you are not happy with your current career. You should do something about that. If you don't know yet what you want to do then explore, try a bunch of different jobs. I'm going to suggest you try what I do now for money: trade stocks at Nasdaq / NYSE. You can get away with working 3 hours a day and you can scale it up to earn as much as you want. You get to work from home or wherever there is internet. Since you said you you have IQ around 130 (i have less but that's irrelevant), this might be something you may enjoy because you would be staring at charts all day, very dry stuff, but fascinating to me. But be aware that it's going to take you at least a year before you start making any money and you need some starting capital (~25k) and it's much much more difficult than engineering or whatever 9-5 job.

Edited September 3, 2019 by crab12
grammar

[Dan502]

@crab12 cheers, it's fascinating to me that people see this as an intellectual problem. I may take a look at the book.

 

[Nahm]

Reminder

♥️

 

[Dan502]

@Nahm thanks

[crab12]

I wanted to clarify that @Nahm is also correct. I just made a rough guess at what is your current level and how I could give you a solution that would be most understandable and useful to you, @Dan502. At some point @Nahm's explanation will make more sense to you, or maybe it already does. But if you're not there yet, you're not. Trying to bypass the low and dirty work will lead you nowhere (spiritual bypassing in other words).

Edited September 3, 2019 by crab12
craified my point

[Dan502]

@crab12 I like the thought of taking small steps in the practical directions that you helpfully suggested, while keeping Nahm's advice in mind.