How to stop ruining self-esteem of my GF?

[Ar_Senses]

Hello ? 

I have a problem in relationships with my beloved and really want to know how to solve it the Stage Yellow style, where everybody will benefit from it - She, Me and Everything Else.

My girlfriend have a problems with self-esteem and often experiencing neediness in recognition and interest from others. And unfortunately, I’m hurting her because of my lack of interest in her Life Purpose. Not in the purpose itself, but in the subject.

It’s really twisted, because I’m the one who has helped her to do the Life Purpose course, trying to inspire her to the work and moving forward.

But that doesn’t mean for her, that I’m interested in her interests. And, to be honest, she’s quite right.

At that moment I’ve dedicated myself to early stages of self-actualization work: 

• Working as a concierge in a 5-star hotel, practicing sales, English language and working personal with clients

• Working on my Life Purpose - learning and practicing self-development, doing consulting sessions with my closest friends

• Trying to eat clean, doing sports, earn enough money, budgeting

Therefore I’m really busy doing all that things and it’s hard to balance it with the relationships, I have a schedule, books to read, plans to be realized and it’s hard to have a genuine interest to anything, which is not about my vision and goals. For me stakes are high and time is running.

I don’t want to move my Life Purpose because of relationships, but I’m not trying to be victim and able to understand how situation seems from her perspective.

I just really want to find a solution, where everybody will feel themselves satisfied — I’ll feel that I’m moving forward and not spending my time on things which are not about my values and goals and she’ll feel that her interests and subject are recognized and she’s admired.

We have some other problems, which can secretly affect that topic:

• Problems with intimate and authentic sex (lack of maturity and sex practice, education from my side / control, physical problem and trauma from the past on her)

• Neediness (Her - lack of self-esteem/lack of appreciation/control and comfort vs. my money/sex/self-actualization) 

• My top flaws are:

Modesty and Humility / Industry Diligence and Perseverance / Self-control and Self-regulation / Citizenship, Teamwork, Loyalty / Сaution and Providence

 

How you think is possible in that situation to win this game for both of us?

I don’t want to give away my values and goals for the sake of relationships.

She doesn’t want to give up her values, because of my ego-centrism.

 

@Nahm It’s seems like you are quite experienced in the theme of relationships, I’ll be truly thankful if you’ll share your wisdom here ?

[Nahm]

@Ar_Senses ♥️

Lot going on. Do you guys have individual dream boards, and a together dream board?

[Ar_Senses]

7 hours ago, Nahm said:

@Ar_Senses ♥️

Lot going on. Do you guys have individual dream boards, and a together dream board?

I have mine, she’s now doing her and we’ll do one for our couple)

But I’ve read your latest post about your beautiful relationships in family and I was really inspired by that!

She’s now doing her own vision board and I think we’ll do one for both of us!)

Have you been in similar situation where Purpose and Women are completing which each other for your attention?

Edited August 28, 2019 by Ar_Senses

[kag101]

 

[Nahm]

51 minutes ago, Ar_Senses said:

Have you been in similar situation where Purpose and Women are completing which each other for your attention?

Completing being all too easy, I”ll assume you meant competing. 

Gonna go critical, in hopes the scrutiny is useful...

9 hours ago, Ar_Senses said:

Hello ? 

I have a problem in relationships with my beloved and really want to know how to solve it the Stage Yellow style, where everybody will benefit from it - She, Me and Everything Else.

My girlfriend have a problems with self-esteem and often experiencing neediness in recognition and interest from others.

Suggest The 6 Pillars of Self Esteem book. 

Highly likely her ‘problem’ is with choosing thoughts based on sensation, how she feels bodily (not emotions / or emotionally). This results in the “ungrounded” experience (no grounding in feeling). Some people have a habit of actually choosing thoughts based on what they think other people will think. This is disorientating, leaving us with a knowing of needing something - but too often lacking the understanding that what we are needing is only reconnection with ourselves, our sensations, feelings, inner being - whatever term she’s most comfortable with. 

The origin of the word “esteem”, is “to determine the value of”. So essentially, she is choosing to believe self referential thoughts - thoughts about herself (which can never be true, because she is the awareness, ware of the thoughts), and she is believing thoughts about herself, which diminish her. 

That is rooted in judgement. It’s subtle but strong, she is probably chronically, routinely, day in and day out - judging herself, without even noticing. This habit gets identified with, making it a bit like undoing a peanut butter & jelly sandwich. Little messy and hard to get at first. 

The chronic judgement is basically the practice of “separate selfing”. Because the actuality is she is not a separate self, she is literally the universe - any thoughts (like judgement) which hold the theme of separate self, will never ever never ever ever feel good - because they are false. It is because she is the Truth, that such thoughts feel false. In her judging of herself, she is unknowingly “separating herself”. It is because the universe, inner being, “real” self is so gosh darn unbelievably wonderful feeling - that this discord, or pretending to be separate - feel SO bad. 

When did this start? 

If it started with something more serious, like molestation, rape, physical and or mental abuse, a sudden death, etc, then she’s going to need to understand how assertion works, and ultimately that there is none, and the intricacies of how and why that is. If I can help by talking to her, just say the word man. That one is probably to hard to understand from typing, and there is the risk of ‘flaring it up’ without resolving it. 

If it started less seriously, overwhelmed with work or school, past relationships, dissatisfaction with body image, etc, then momentum is the key. One builds momentum away from inner being repeating thoughts against themselves, resulting in the ungroundedness, or, ‘life is not worthwhile’ feeling. The answer for this, is more feeling. Being aware of thoughts, and speaking, against one’s self, catching it, flipping the duality, and saying the exact opposite thing. Laughing about it is tremendously helpful.  

In either case, the root belief - is need. 

And unfortunately, I’m hurting her because of my lack of interest in her Life Purpose. Not in the purpose itself, but in the subject.

I don’t think you should be blaming yourself for her feelings, assuming you’re not demeaning her, etc. Nobody needs anybody else to feel good, ultimately. Rough patches, learning, understandings, compassion, sure, but not ongoing, and to say “I need you to dig my life purpose or I’m just not happy”, is just a condition I would be making, against the happiness that I truly am. 

It’s really twisted, because I’m the one who has helped her to do the Life Purpose course, trying to inspire her to the work and moving forward.

But that doesn’t mean for her, that I’m interested in her interests. And, to be honest, she’s quite right.

Having said that (above).... is it asking to much to be supportive? What gives here?

At that moment I’ve dedicated myself to early stages of self-actualization work: 

• Working as a concierge in a 5-star hotel, practicing sales, English language and working personal with clients

• Working on my Life Purpose - learning and practicing self-development, doing consulting sessions with my closest friends

• Trying to eat clean, doing sports, earn enough money, budgeting

Therefore I’m really busy doing all that things and it’s hard to balance it with the relationships,

Great, but, you’re in a relationship. Giving love increases your energy, clarity, vitality, etc. Love is the ultimate win win win win win win win.

I have a schedule, books to read, plans to be realized and it’s hard to have a genuine interest to anything, which is not about my vision and goals. For me stakes are high and time is running.

Not true. Those “stakes”, “time”, those are just thoughts. Those thoughts, believed, are energy drainers. 

I don’t want to move my Life Purpose because of relationships, but I’m not trying to be victim and able to understand how situation seems from her perspective.

No one who is in understanding is a victim. If I understand you correctly, you’ve got that one kinda backwards. There is a tradition that started long before Jesus, and is still in play today, in which the understanding (light / ray) and the love (the key) are utilized in our everyday living. If it seems like too much trouble to understand anyone else’s perspective, your rushing through life my good man. Slow down and smell the roses. People, relationships, expression, that is the sharing of the divinity in living. It’s the juice!

I just really want to find a solution, where everybody will feel themselves satisfied — I’ll feel that I’m moving forward and not spending my time on things which are not about my values and goals and she’ll feel that her interests and subject are recognized and she’s admired.

I think you may have some avoidance of feelings going on, and she might be wanting you to reassure her. Take the time for her - and you’re taking the time for you. Win win. 

Creating a “ours” dream board is a great way to do this. Then you have both expressed the things, experiences, etc, in life, that you both want. Brings a lot of clarity and release in the relationship, and also give each of you something to fall back on if you stray. It becomes very easy to tactfully point out - “Is that thought aligned with what you / we decided we want?” (Choose a better feeling, more aligned with sensation, thought)

We have some other problems, which can secretly affect that topic:

• Problems with intimate and authentic sex (lack of maturity and sex practice, education from my side / control, physical problem and trauma from the past on her)

Best practice I ever heard as far as what you can do about this together. Don’t over look this because it sounds too simple to be so powerful. Just both of you pick a day, and spend it make in bed. You’ll probably end up having sex, but don;t make that the point. Just do it, to experience it. It’ll change things between the two of you, in terms of vulnerability, control, togetherness, comfort with eachother, etc. Again, this is not a thinking / understanding exercise - you have to actually do it to see what it is / what comes. (Again, not talking about sex)

• Neediness (Her - lack of self-esteem/lack of appreciation/control and comfort vs. my money/sex/self-actualization) 

Six Pillars and being more attentive (her) to how she thinks and talks about her self. Noticing how she turns subjects into catalysts to feel bad about herself. Then, after sometime with that, understanding, deeply, that there is no assertion, but man - it sure does seem like there is. 

• My top flaws are:

Modesty and Humility / Industry Diligence and Perseverance / Self-control and Self-regulation / Citizenship, Teamwork, Loyalty / Сaution and Providence

Give up your food preferences. Eat for the well being of your body, not your tastes. Purification will ensue. Stock up on Kleenex. Side benefit: well being & health. Also, you’ll notice the quality of arising thoughts goes through the roof. Might not seem that this corilates significantly, but do this for a month or two, and it will change your entire life. Your clarity & understanding & patience will sky rocket, serving you in all your endeavors & relationships.    And bro, stop being so hard on yourself. You’re doing great. You can loosen your reigns a little. The desire & motivation will still be there. You’ll be the better for it. Might sound counterintuitive, but try it.  

How you think is possible in that situation to win this game for both of us?

You getting a deeper understanding of yourself, her getting a deeper understanding of herself, you both getting a deeper understanding of eachother. Embrace it. Don’t allow your own sneakery of using time as a write off. You got time for you, and for her, and all your adventuring too. 

I don’t want to give away my values and goals for the sake of relationships.

You can’t. Let that thought go. Aim to be more understanding, patient, and supportive. Also though, don’t tell her what to think or do, be socratic about it.

If & when you guys start applying these things - very important - there will be purification. This is the clearing out, and pouring out, of feelings, lots of tears, maybe bouts of anger. Don’t mistake it for the “same old shit” - if you’re doing the work, it is not the same old shit, it is purification. It is experientially different, but looks almost exactly the same, from the outside. Again, this is about letting the sensations and feelings pour out - do no go into thought stories, stay with the feelings, and do not “suck eachother in” to the purification. Someone can just walk through the room, and sneaky ego will shift, right under our nose, and make it about them some how. Be aware of that, and don’t do it. Purification is about feelings being unblocked / releases very literally by God. No person need get in the middle of it. ***Critical to remember: the Understanding arises after the purification. Again, it’s not  a thought thing. Don’t try to understand or be understanding during purification. It actually prohibits it. Ego will use anyone and anything as a distraction. 

She doesn’t want to give up her values, because of my ego-centrism.

Nobody’s giving up any values. You guys been arguing a lot more than loving and understanding, to get to that point. 

@Nahm It’s seems like you are quite experienced in the theme of relationships

Just married for a while, and co creating. 

 

[CreamCat]

If your lack of interest in her life purpose ruins her self-esteem, your girl friend needs more personal development.

Edited August 29, 2019 by CreamCat