Disconnection

[Proactive]

The world is a mirror of who you are.

I've heard this so many times, but i've recently discovered how profound it is.

 

You effect everything around you, and if you were to change yourself,  it would give a different reaction to you.

 

This gives me a actual logical reason to believe "Everything is my fault" which is something that I just use to say to myself to win my video games. Regardless how "unfair" it felt, it was my fault we lost the game. Fuck logic, EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT. 

I guess I forgot this philosophy.

live the selfish life or the selfless life? I'm going to contemplate on this again

Quote

"To be selfless, you must be selfish and to be selfish, you must be selfless, and to be a shellfish, you must be a fish with a shell." - proactive(2019)

This is basically talking about how if you try to help others, you'll gain an energy that'll be much stronger than just helping the self. Which'll obviously be better for the self. If you are are helping yourself, you will gain more power which in turn will help you help others. Also if you want to be a shellfish, you need to become a fish with a shell.

Soooo, yeah. Be selfish or selfless? I've actually already talked about this topic oops. Welp. The answer is both.

 

These days, I just want to get deeper and deeper into the moment. welp, lets stop deliberating. I feel like going deeper into the details actually.

Edited October 13, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

Alone, the darkness enravels me.

I can make it. I can survive.

 

Remember the times i’ve gone through. 

I’m strong. Really strong.

So lets go.

Lets fucking GO.

DESTROY THIS WORLD.

I WILL FUCKING KILL IT

[Proactive]

HOLY MOT9EHRASE[FASHDF

SO I'VE JUST USED MY TESTOSTERONE TO USE IN WORK. THE PROBLEM IN THE PAST WAS THAT I WASN'T MOVING FAST ENOUGH.

YOU GOTTA MOVE FASTER FOR THE SEXUAL RELEASE OF ENERGY.

 

FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

[Proactive]

WARNING, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. JUST HAVE A GUTT FEELING WITH NO IDEA WHAT IT IS TELLING ME. ALSO NOTHING PROFOUND, SO DON'T EVEN READ THIS.

Life is not a story. 

 

I like to dream of my life being a story, being the heroes journey.

Just do what you like, follow your heart.

 

I  am having a hard time explaining it. It's not anything profound really, but is a part of reality i've been unconscious of.

 

Imagine we are dory from the nemo movie.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming. hehehe. That's it.

 

We like to think we are much better than dory, we are different because out memory lasts longer than 5 seconds. 

 

 

Enjoy the process, Be yourself.(<- I think the part that is hard for me to explain is this part, being yourself. You are not defined by your environment. These stories are deluding me, they are stopping me from being me.)

Reality is weirder than the stories. Reality is not a story. Your ego is creating it and I love you.

just had to slip one in there. cuz i'm a sneaky ninja.

These stories squish 70 years into 2 hours. We just don't live like that. Our reality is completely different.

Edited October 14, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

So recently i've rediscovered a game i've been playing since I was 4-till like 15 years old.

Man, the music brings back memories.

It is actually kinda motivational, because back then, nothing mattered.

I didn't give a fuck about school, or anything. All I thought about was this game.

 

It really helps me to not really care about accomplishing anything. Just be yourself. It gets me in a discovery sort of mindset.

[Proactive]

Hi sweethearts

I am proactive the legend.

I wanna contemplate a bit on loneliness not only for myself but , for humanity. This'll be what I will be thinking for the next while.

 

Growing up, I saw a lot of people being in groups because they were afraid to be alone. Being alone is extremely painful, but the benefits of it have diminished because we are all in a bigger group.

I'm going to list out some pros about being in a group

• It is very good at creating change in you, if you manage to be in a group that is super hardworking. You'll become super hardworking, ect.
• You won't feel pain of being alone. You won't be iscolated.

If you spent all that time being out with friends, working on creating some life transforming project that changes the world. Imagine how much better that'd feel.

pros of being alone

The weak flock flock together. Being alone makes you stronger eventually, if you don't die.

A lonely person is someone who has weights connected to his shoes. While the unlonely person has no weights.

If these  2 were to race, who would win?

Now imagine 10 years later. The person with the weights removed them. Who would win?

That is given the person with the weights confidence has being destroyed. Provided he never gave up.

 

The point is loneliness is nature is throwing shit at you to make you stronger or you die. If you can survive this bear attack alone, holy shit. On the outside there is no difference between this person and a group of people. They both survived.

 

 

[Proactive]

I believe that most of humanity is going to die. But we are not going to lose the knowledge we've learnt.

We are too strong to die from climate change.( within maybe 100-200 years)

What we have now is resources, and I think we should be investing it into helping humanity when it is down. In maybe 100-200 years.

 

We like to imagine the future being full of technology, but instead it'll probably be us trying to survive as a smaller group. But we are united. 

Right now is probably going to be a peak for humanity for a long time if not the biggest peak for power.

 

I just imagine a future where humanity has to keep moving to avoid natural disasters, I think these humans will be really strong. They will inherit all the knowledge we have, but not be too comfortable. I feel like they'll be stage yellow. They'll have to get creative. Or they'll be red.

Edited October 16, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

lol, so I wanna create an organization that'll be for that generation.

We wanna make sure they are as strong as possible. If that generation is connected via internet while roaming around in tribes. 

Things like research may still be possible, the generation of knowledge may still be possible.

 

Now there is no way to get funding really, and i'm heavily unqualified to be in such a position. But it is an interesting idea.

I will do anything for a cause like this. For now I think I will make projects aimed for such people.

 

Should I go to school?

Well, yeah. The things I learn actually do help me with my projects. They do provide me with a theoretical foundation for my projects that I would not have discovered if I learnt it alone.

Edited October 16, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

I vow to never use the word loneliness ever again.

Loneliness doesn't exist. Just disconnection.

 

Disconnection part 1.

What is disconnection? It's a feeling where you feel like you are separate from the world. Isolated . It is a perspective that causes pain.

I'm guessing underneath it all, we all know we are connected. We just don't know it.

So; the goal of life is to feel connected because that's just what feels right.

 

So we feel disconnected when we subscribe to a worldview that causes us to be separate from a certain group of the world.

 

Disconnection can come in many different forms

1. lack of stimulation( you haven't engaged with the world deeply for a while)
2. outside influence( external factors change your beliefs, which causes you to feel bad)

Yeah, that's all I could come up with.

Now; we could look inwards and spend our entire life there. By just meditating and living like duh buddha. Which is kinda contradictory because you know. Disconnect from the world to connect with it.

But I've been programmed to want to make a change in the world. Which is something I should go deeper on; because at times I say fuck the world fuck all goals. Just flow with the wind. Let it blow me to pieces, becomming the wind.

man that is beautiful?

Honestly fuck GOALS, THEY ARE SHIT. The only purpose of goals is to give you a direction, a direction for the wind to blow.

[Proactive]

What do YOU WANT ME TO DO?

Fuck changing the world, Fuck getting good grades.  Don't conform. Be yourself.

My intuition doesn't tell me to say fuck getting a job, but don't be engrossed in looking for one

The only thing I should be focused on is learning. Learn as much as you can. Never stop reading, Never stop contemplating. Never stop exploring.

Keep exploring, Keep learning. What I learn idc. Just keep goin.

I can do it. I will do it.

 

Just keep swimming, just keep learning, just keep swimming, just keep learning.

 

thats it? What should I do right now?

meditate

[Proactive]

mind on task

only on task

 

Where does distraction come from?

It comes from your intention not being capable of being achieved. So the forces tugging at your body, pull you.

 

I'm being tugged in different directions,

lower-self, higher-self

where do I go? What do I do? how do I do? what am I do?

lower-self and higher-self unite as one.

like a uh, synergistic thing

 

love flows through my body

as I fade into the darkness. yehhhhhhhhhh that was kewl( no idea what it meant but kewl).

[Proactive]

melatonin spreads,

spreads, and spreads like a disease.

 

i'm paralyzed, gone into another world

a world of light and passion for my soul.

i'm gone.

 

ok i'm back.

I head out, drink coffee, then shit

now alone with my thoughts inside the stall. Who loves me? Nobody

 

Sweet! Nobody cares about me, that means I can do whatever I want!

so I head out, curious as to what I want to do

 

I want to watch the joker movie, and that, I shalt do

\=?=/

no one cares , no one exists, who the fuck gives a fuck

[Proactive]

FAILURE.

 

I've talked about this, failing changes your brain. It will adapt if you keep failing.

However; I don't believe it is being implemented at all.

I find posting on this forum helps me with keeping things in my memory.

 

I didn't change the way I live.

If your not failing, your not growing.

 

Also; I've gone back to just being in my room studying which is bad.

Library. 

 

My environment at home should honestly be rarely be used to study.

It's my place for relaxation.

[Proactive]

Disconnection part 2

So I watched leos video on discouraging certain people from spiritual path.

lately I've been starting to accept that i'm just different than other people. It's my path. My personality does dictate that ultimately i'll be a loner. But this sealed the deal.

Friends are like money, once you have it. It's like meh.

But if you don't have it, it is painful.

 

That is the journey. While I don't think I'm on the path for "truth." I do believe i'm quite close to it.

I kinda wanna be like a monk. Except rather than meditation, I get lost in a world of information. Just getting better and better at my craft inside the cave called my room. Exploring this fascinating thing. BEING. No need to worry about family, status, friends, money, ect.

That is why i'm likely to be alone. It will be painful, but I don't really have a choice as this is who I am. This is my path.

 

One thing I'd like to explore is expression through movement. I will be seated on most of my days.

I should go to yoga classes somewhere.

 

Society avoids loneliness, this is not good for people like me. As that is not what we do. 

It is nice to just accept there's a trade off. But yeh, this was just a quick contemplation. I could be wrong about any of the statements I made in this post as I didn't think it through too much.

 

Edited October 20, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

holy shit.

So today I ended up in my room again.

Whatever, Anyways.

I'm not doing well in school so my ego has nowhere to attach onto.

I did the whim hoff technique, then took a cold shower.

 

I literally felt like a demon.

Holy shit. 

If i'm not careful I could go crazy.

 

Now it's time to just recover. I had just told myself today that I was not searching for truth. But here I am doing spiritual practices. 

Killing my ego.

 

It was at this point in the past where I decided I would die before I would become a wage slave.

What i'm actually afraid of is meaninglessness.

This was where I started meditating like crazy, for egoic reasons in the past. So I can understand myself/consciousness, so I can control myself. So I can become who I want to be.

 

I have no clue what I want to do. This is because the academic route is closing off.

I'm met with this existential crisis. I could choose to allow my ego survive, by continuing the academic path.

Then once I get a degree, I have another thing to latch onto.

 

Or I could abandon everything, and let my ego attach onto meditation.

 

Or I could become a wage-slave and have nowhere for my ego to latch onto.

 

Truthfully, this existential crisis is not gonna go away. I need to bite the bullet eventually. Normal people have friends, jobs,  and family to shelter them from this truth. I'm lucky/unlucky to not.

So, I will try to take a long break. Eventually to just work on this. Once you recognize truth, you become much stronger("possibly my ego talking").

So how'll I avoid the uhm idk what to call it??

GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM. LIKE RIGHT NOW. OK BYE GUYS

btw i'm gonna take a break from journalling and meditating.

I'll be practicing more self-love. Maybe focus on lower level shit for a while.

Edited October 21, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

There's no doubt that I will make it out alive.

There's no doubt.

 

I am capable of more than I think, I will surprise myself.

 

That's all that needs to be said. I'm going to pass EVERY SINGLE one of my courses.

 

This confidence comes from me knowing that I am capable of way more than I think, which is something that is internal.

Edited November 25, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

So I just found out how traumatized I am.

How people have been treating me my whole life has affected me.

I've written down traumas in the past, but I guess I never actually realized the damage done.

 

writing it down helps, but I gotta becareful about playing the victim.

 

basically, nobody ever listened to me.

everytime I would say something to my sister, or my mom that I would care about. They'd either project onto me, essentially ignoring my opinons and shit.

My mom seems to be trying to sabotage me, when I was a kid I remember I had won a project, and I got to bring it back home. Then my mom would just throw it out and just seemed to always be trying to make me a "normal" person. She always complains about me not listening to her, but there's no way that I can listen to someone who won't listen to me. There's a bunch more scenarios about things I just recently realized has not been good for my self-esteem.

Then my sister wasn't particularly helpful as she would always say I was annoying. Then my mom would just always side with her. 

Our entire family is just traumatized. My mom and sister do have their own problems, and ultimately it has effected me as well.

 

But do not forget that I live in a first world country, do not forget that I had access to teachers, psychologists, and basically the entire system.

I am alive, and these problems I can overcome.

[JustThinkingAloud]

2 minutes ago, Proactive said:

I am alive, and these problems I can overcome.

Yep and you are being listened to here! 

[Proactive]

You know I really want to live like a monk sorta

 

I want to meditate for hours a day aswell as do homework and go to school

I never viewed meditation as like a hobby, but why not?

 

The modern monk ?

[Proactive]

@JustThinkingAloud  thanks ?