Disconnection

[Proactive]

What are my weaknesses. TOO MUCH IN BIG PICTURE THINKING, NOT ENOGUH WORK ON THE GROUND. ON DAILY LIFE.

3 simple things.

1. wash dishes
2. go shopping for food
3. make food
4. and go clean your room

Now for the big beast. SOCIALIZING. OTHER HUMAN BEINGS. 

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

I'm an introvert, but I don't like being alone. I like others company, but I don't like being suffocated of my freedom.

 

I really wrote that out well. I have to say.

Sorry, this isn't going to be solved by logic. Just go out, in your daily life. When your shopping, when your just walking. Be more social, be more friendly.

be more likable, open up. Don't be judgemental. Don't take things so seriously. Stop trying to get approval or anything from people.

I have a frown, lets turn it upside down. 

change the way you act. Every single second. Every second counts.

[Proactive]

Quote

The eternal conflict.

hhehe

 

going into the uncomfortable.

usually when I notice something uncomfortable, I do something about it. But I try to not deny it. 

The one place i've actually been avoiding is schoolwork. It makes me uncomfortable.

But i've never gone deep into the feeling. Until TODAY.

 

I've just been IN MY ROOM ONCE AGAIN, just trying to translate information online into my head and that's a boring AF.

I was afraid if I went into the feeling, I would lose motivation. I was afraid the truth was going to be against what I was doing.

So I unconsciously never went into this feeling.

 

There's a lot of friction that I need to unravel. There's a lot of fear of not succeeding in school.

Can't really communicate this in words.

 

go into the feeling of not wanting to do homework.

 

Journalling has been very helpful, but lately I believe I have swayed too much into the people pleasing. Developing an ego.

[Proactive]

oh wowzas.

Leos recent videos are actually prettee guuuud.

 

Love and fear.

and death.

 

so if all fears stem from death, and there's no need to be afraid of death because it's already going to happen. Then there's no need to fear anything.

Don't let the fear override you.

 

What's the worst that can happen if I fail school. I spend year, upon year, upon year. like 7 years to graduate. Now i'm 100k in debt. 

Ok? Then this makes me unable to have free time. I spend all my days working at mcdonalds. I get so depressed I can't even hold that job.

my parents then continue to work even though they are unable to trying to help me. I have no friends, and am just held up in my room.

My parents die early, and i'm left alone with no income.

I become homeless and I go on the streets.

My health is horrible from staying in the room. I can't see, I have back pain.

 

where was i going with this again?

FIND OUT TOMORROW, CUZ I HAVE TO SLEEP AND WORK TMR.

[Raptorsin7]

 @Proactive Negative visualization. Imagine the worst case scenario of whatever you're doing and accept it fully. Then go on with your day like it's all sunshine and roses. Easier said than done though lol... I don't do it (:

[Proactive]

@Raptorsin7  hehe, being homeless ain't that bad.(When I imagine it)

 

help no-one but me. Nobody needs it more.?

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[Raptorsin7]

@Proactive Try imagining it so it's bad. Like the worst fucking case scenario, be the worst homeless person in the universe. Then accept that guy lol

[Proactive]

even a homeless guy has some shit to be grateful for

 

he gets to watch the sun rise and fall. He gets to breathe in air.

 

why don't I get shit to be grateful for?

Why don't I get to be grateful for life when my parents die?

when I lose my freedom?

Edited December 8, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

GOOD JOB ME, I JUST CLEANED MY DISHES!

 

I

AM

AMAZING

[Proactive]

if I were to take a blank piece of paper to represent all knowledge I know of reality

 

the amount I would know is less than an atom on that piece of paper. it's literally 0%

[Proactive]

my time has come to an end

 

I was once young like you, eager to learn, full of energy.

be grateful while you still have it

 

ughhhh

 

I'm going to try out being a hermit of the internet.

Secluded in one-note and other note taking devices. Maybe even something called "paper". Thought i'd try those ancient things out.

stop consuming such shallow content. It's time to go deep, really deep.

 

I'm afraid i'm going to suffer.

I've suffered a lot in this lifetime.

well, idk what else to do.

Lets run into the suffering, try to atleast.

but it'll be ok, i'll survive.

Or I may not, whatever

 

Edited December 8, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

Thought i'd actually do my last post for this journal

 

so the reason i'm going off on my own is due to conflicting values with actualized.org

my goal isn't to become more conscious, or go deep into spiritual practices. Or be enlightened.

The things leo values is not what will help me achieve me goals. By staying so involved in this community, I am unconsciously taking on the same values as it. I just want to create my own value system and such.

Why do I do spiritual practices?

The present moment is amazing. It's where I want to be. 

I want to be focused, we do miss a lot of things in the present if we are living elsewhere.

DISCONNECTION

why? do we despise feeling disconnected?

it's just a feeling of emptiness, of dissasociation.

It's just a feeling in the heart, and in the mind. Maybe some visuals.

There is no reason to run away from disconnection.

 

It will come when you are alone, just like how you will become hungry when you don't eat.

[Raptorsin7]

@Proactive Good luck man.