Any way to ease into acceptance of ego death? Also, dreaming of the anima

[Matys]

I know it's silly since it's my mind that thinks it needs a framework to work from, but my dreams lately all seem to be pointing towards an upcoming dissolution and my fear around it. I've never been spiritual and the self inquiry questions just leave me in a muddled state of conflicting realities, I only really started this because I needed to resolve the pain. It feels my entire life has suddenly come to a standstill and is waiting on this to pass through. Is it really that I have to let it unfold by itself and if so is there any way I can accept beforehand what feels like death?

Semi-related but does anyone know much about the divine feminine/anima? She seems to occur in various forms depending on the need of the dream. Sometimes as the last girl I fell for, a couple times as a beautiful blonde I've never seen before. It's gonna sound silly but she always seems to be radiating love, a patient understanding and guiding me away from the crowd. Last night I seemed to be set on a course for a one way ticket and falling apart about it. When I told her I was afraid of dying she just smiled and asked "why?" before disappearing like she knew something I didn't. I don't want to sound weird but I always instantly fall for her charm and  simultaneously get pissed off when I wake up whenever I recognize she took the form of an actual lover I can't have irl. It's like a pure loving force that wants to lead me through doubt but also dicks with my emotional structures. What's the deal and is it wrong to be a bit bitter about it? Thanks.

[tsuki]

@Matys It is important to distinguish between the ego death itself, and what your mind is imagining to be like.
If you shared your specific fears and what imaginations they trigger, I may help you dispel them if I were going through something similar.
The bottom line is that if you are going to realize absolute truth, then that truth is not something new, added, and you are "it" right now.

Edited August 26, 2019 by tsuki

[Matys]

@tsuki Thanks, I'd appreciate it if it's not a bother.

Tbh I haven't really put a great deal of imagination into it, it just seems like something that's gonna just swallow me offscreen when I least suspect it? Perhaps a bit childish but it seems like a hollow void, with life being so shaky as I'm pulled towards this it's just difficult to imagine it being a good thing. I think more of the fear comes from the idea of not having a choice in the matter?

Edited August 26, 2019 by Matys

[tsuki]

Hmm... that seems like what I call 'deprivation chamber vision of death'.
Look deeply into your senses:

1. Sight
2. Sound
3. Touch

If you close your eyes, do you stop seeing? Try to locate the exact moment when your 'vision' stops being real and turns into imagination.
If you cover your ears, do you stop hearing? Try to talk and finish the sentence in your mind. How do you turn the outer sound into the inner?
If you move your hand and it touches something (stops), does the movement stop, or does it turn into something else?
Try locating the exact moment when movement turns into sensation upon contact. Try to touch the touch.

Is it possible to not experience?

Edited August 26, 2019 by tsuki

[Matys]

I'm a bit jarred by the contradictions that pop up, it seems obvious but I think I get your meaning. The sensation doesn't stop at any point of the conscious experience and underlays every moment. I also immediately sense more is available to me in observation than during "ego control" so it would seem like my fear is the actual opposite of truth? Ego is more of a deprivation chamber than total self is?

[tsuki]

Yes, it is born out of contraction of what is.

For example, body identification is mostly habitual muscle tension. Contraction in this example is the 'habitual' tension.

Edited August 26, 2019 by tsuki

[Matys]

@tsuki Thanks. It seems a tiny thing but I think this has helped dispel part of the illusion I seem to have surrounding the experience. Keep forgetting it's never going to be what I expect because that's just the mind attempting to make conclusions, and that the idea/image that has been created is more of the problem than the reality is. Really appreciate having somewhere to go to talk about this, the process is so incomparable to anything I've ever seen or heard about it's so easy to feel like you're just losing your grip on reality. Which I suppose is the entire point

[tsuki]

@Matys You're welcome man, godspeed. ?
If you have any more questions, go ahead and post them.

Edited August 26, 2019 by tsuki