My father is the greatest obstacle to my spirituality

[LucyKid]

This is a sharing post, nothing informative you can take out of it (Or you can?)

Perhaps also the greatest opportunity, since obstacle and opportunity are one.
But still, he causes me a lot of mental and emotional suffering just because of his low consciousness and low self awareness, and very big ego.
He has this kind of approach where he literally screams at me for 15 minutes for no reason, and then I finally lose my temper after 15 minutes of trying to be as calm as possible, and then I rage too, and then he points his fingers at me and says "Do you see how do you react? The meditation you are doing is bullshit, you'll never be spiritual! You can't even control yourself!", and he says that while his veins are popping out his head out of rage and anger and he also raises his hand upon me.

Every week I have a few other examples.
Yesterday, I told my father that since today (Yesterday's tomorrow) I would like him not to put meat in my meal anymore because I want to transition into a vegan, but firstly into a vegetarian. At first it didn't annoy him, but he had been obsessively searched for why vegan is bad and why meat is good videos and sent me a bunch of them. Then he sent the last one about why fish eye is good and shit, and it might be good, but he doesn't understand my point. Anyway, he literally went inside my room (Some of you may say that it is his room since he paid for it), and literally forced me to turn the video on. I told him that it doesn't interest me and that I don't want to, so he started threatening me and saying that he'll destroy my computer and stuff, and that he will go berserker mode. Well, just because I didn't watch a video I didn't want to he literally screamed at me for 10 minutes, I was just looking at him, reactionless and speechless.

Lately, I am getting used to that, like really used, like it's obvious that in a minutes he'll engage in another senseless fight with me for no actual reason, just because of his own stupidity. I am trying to observe him, he is a stage red person from what it seems honestly, and the lowest levels of Maslow's pyramids. All he cares about is sex food and body. He also says stupid things (Which are correct) like "Healthy body healthy soul", well, he is quite fit, a lot more than me, but he can't see who of us has the healthier soul, he is so unaware of everything.

I still suffer from that, I may say that I am getting used to it, but my soul suffers from that, from that continuous fight engagement. 
I am a 19 yo student, things like "Leave your house" are possible, but are very difficult, so I decided to stay home until I finish the degree.
There is no really point in here, just sharing a bit of my life with you guys
 

[Fishy]

Oh wow. Just try to hang on until you move out, and try to move as soon as you can. 

[Average Investor]

People are like crabs in a bucket. Once you start to get out of the bucket they just want to pull you back in. I would not waste your breath. I am 100% vegan now. And have been for about a year. It takes some time to transition, but I have loved it. Make sure you really do your research and supplement where you need to. It takes some time. If I were to really make a suggestion with it would be to start with smoothies of fruits and veggies for breakfast. Would help give you a lot more energy and clarity. Take your time though. It really does not just happen over night. 

As for anger. Anger is a reaction. It is a built in survival mechanism that you have. Hard to be around people like that. He sounds like he is emotionally abusive. I would not try to justify what you are doing to him or even really talk about spiritual stuff with him. I know how hard that can be though. Because you deep down want to see him better himself. You would have to come to the realization that his path is really meaningless to you. If you want to be excited and talk about this stuff try and get some friends from here to message maybe or other places. I don't know anyone in person I would bother to explain this stuff to. 

[molosku]

@LucyKid Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing. What you are observing is ignorance. He might be your biggest obstacle, but he is also your biggest challenge. He is in a way a reminder why you do spirituality, but spirituality is not about creating divisions. You are no lower or higher than him. Big part of his personality is in your shadow (look up Carl Jung). 

You can learn so much from observing. Try your best to not suck his energy, try your best to not rise your voice even if no one can hear what you are saying. In the end, he will be sorry and he probably wont ever admit it outloud. Truth is a powerfull force and it has a way to finds it way to the surface. 

Also, move out asap

[Leo Gura]

Focus on those factors that you can control. Don't try to control him. Focus on making internal changes.

Be strategic.

[WelcometoReality]

@LucyKid It seems like your doing the best out of the situation. Well done. Hopefully you'll get out of that environment soon. ?❤

[Jkris]

@LucyKid why are you tellng your dad you are meditating you want to be spiritual etc.

[tsuki]

@LucyKid Spirituality (transcendence) is the top of your survival pyramid and needs to be firmly founded.
If you're dependent on your parents to sustain you, chances are that you're missing other areas of development that have more immediate impact on your well-being.

If you look at this situation more broadly, it seems like you're trying to develop your father spiritually while he's trying to ground you in physicality.
You need each other, but you need to establish common ground for communication. If you started to follow his advice and develop yourself in the areas he is suggesting, maybe he would start to listen to your advice as well (if he saw that they actually do provide value)? Since you consider yourself more conscious, it seems like the responsibility for providing space and "yielding" is yours.

With the everyday "mindfulness stretch" your father is unwittingly giving you, I would not be too concerned with having a dedicated meditation practice on top of that. What I would suggest instead is shadow work and emotional healing in general which would be beneficial for both of you.

Edited August 26, 2019 by tsuki

[Aeris]

@tsuki
this dynamic seems right.

and stop devaluing your father, I know you didn't ask for, but in his mind he is feeding you and trying to makes you a warrior, he just don't know how.

your dad is trying is best and love you, even if that's in a lower stage way. Understand his way, and instead of pushing your belief, accept some of his and then share what he can share with you, don't talk to him about high level of spirituality, it will sound non sense, like imagine if you were Einstein of spirituality, would you try to explain your last physics work to someone who only know addition ?

a dad who doesn't love you, just put you out of his house ( and in certain case it could be love )

[LucyKid]

6 hours ago, Fishy said:

Oh wow. Just try to hang on until you move out, and try to move as soon as you can. 

 Sadly, in 4 yours. I need to finish those two degrees I'm working on right now.

5 hours ago, Average Investor said:

People are like crabs in a bucket. Once you start to get out of the bucket they just want to pull you back in. I would not waste your breath. I am 100% vegan now. And have been for about a year. It takes some time to transition, but I have loved it. Make sure you really do your research and supplement where you need to. It takes some time. If I were to really make a suggestion with it would be to start with smoothies of fruits and veggies for breakfast. Would help give you a lot more energy and clarity. Take your time though. It really does not just happen over night. 

As for anger. Anger is a reaction. It is a built in survival mechanism that you have. Hard to be around people like that. He sounds like he is emotionally abusive. I would not try to justify what you are doing to him or even really talk about spiritual stuff with him. I know how hard that can be though. Because you deep down want to see him better himself. You would have to come to the realization that his path is really meaningless to you. If you want to be excited and talk about this stuff try and get some friends from here to message maybe or other places. I don't know anyone in person I would bother to explain this stuff to. 

Can't eat fruits and anything with sugar, because my father brought Ketogenic Diet home and if he is kind forcing me to it.

5 hours ago, molosku said:

@LucyKid Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing. What you are observing is ignorance. He might be your biggest obstacle, but he is also your biggest challenge. He is in a way a reminder why you do spirituality, but spirituality is not about creating divisions. You are no lower or higher than him. Big part of his personality is in your shadow (look up Carl Jung). 

You can learn so much from observing. Try your best to not suck his energy, try your best to not rise your voice even if no one can hear what you are saying. In the end, he will be sorry and he probably wont ever admit it outloud. Truth is a powerfull force and it has a way to finds it way to the surface. 

Also, move out asap
 

It's so hard bro, I can't. I just got home, and he once again seeked how to point fingers at me and put me at fault, and said such hierarchical things such as "Do whatever I tell you to do and we will be alright", and that makes me furious since I am doing everything that he wants me to, he is simply so overwhelmed by his anger that he losses all sense of reality and memory. He brings things from 15 years ago and says "I tried to teach you and it didn't work". 
I want to get out, but it requires a shit ton of money to handle 2 degrees and a small apartment. 

5 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Focus on those factors that you can control. Don't try to control him. Focus on making internal changes.

Be strategic.

The only thing I feel I can control is whether I answer him or not. If I do, he will scream, if I do not, he will literally force my mouth open and threaten me if I do not answer him.

5 hours ago, Keyhole said:

Duuuude that suuuuucks.  Sounds just like my mom.  There is no way to be calm in that situation because they rip it right out from under you.  I feel you.  Fuck that shit.  I'm so angry for you right now. >: (  I would start to keep a record of that behaviour, you might need to.  Get a nanny cam and a recorder and set it in your room.  Keep a journal of when and where he does this.  If it ever gets too bad, or he lays a hand on you or your stuff you can call the cops.

Little does he know I have about a hundred recordings of him threatening to shatter my skull with a powerful punch lol. 
I have already kept a life journal for the past month, it's actually great.

4 hours ago, WelcometoReality said:

@LucyKid It seems like your doing the best out of the situation. Well done. Hopefully you'll get out of that environment soon. ?❤

I am trying, it's so difficult for me. I also feel stress all over my body because of this unhealthy communication with him.
My father says that I am resisting him, when in fact he doesn't even know how much I am struggling to contain him. He says bullshit like "It's the age and when you'll be 25 you'll thank me", When I'll be 25 I will probably disconnect with him totally. I'll send him the money he spent on me, and just live my life. I got to the point where I can't have any passion towards him, and compassion, anything loving at all. He is regressing me to lower stages but I am hanging on to staying calm as I can and that is insanely difficult. 

4 hours ago, Jkris said:

@LucyKid why are you tellng your dad you are meditating you want to be spiritual etc.

He sees me meditate, he hears me watching Leo's videos and of course he says that leo is a stupid, brainwashed person. 
I didn't tell him I want to be spiritual, I did tell him that I meditate and it makes me feel great.

3 hours ago, Ero said:

@LucyKid I'm in a very similar situation. I'm 17 and my father is alt-right nationalist and very religious. There are things of which I can't speak without him getting into fury. Spirituality, Psychedelics, alternative political views...Those things are out of the question. He and my mother have very dogmatic views on a variety of areas. I'm working around building a structure that would allow me to become independent. I'm building a business to become financially independent and preparing to study abroad, most probably in the USA. My father doesn't confront me that much, because I'm excelling at school, but my twin has it hard. His passion is football (and he's a beast at it), but he disdains studying. Because of this almost everyday he and my father are screaming at each other. There are a lot of lessons you can learn in such a situation. I've started to deeply appreciate the complexity of us evolving as humans. It can help you evolve to Tier 2, because a progressive and "loving" agenda won't work with those people. You don't take for granted a supportive environment.  @Leo Gura said it well. That's the reason I can actually grow. I learned that bitching about my fate gets me nowhere. So I started to prepare.

That sucks, yet you are very mature lol. I don't have any structure to build, the best choice I can see right now is staying home and finish my degrees which will happen only in four years which is a lot, and who knows how much mental and emotional suffering I'll go through by then. I don't know how to work with him, I hate this position. I am thinking about moving out, but I need a resource of income to keep studying. Perhaps college will help me out.

To you, I wish the best of luck, hang in there, and it seems that you have got shit kind of handled. 

3 hours ago, Aeris said:

@tsuki
this dynamic seems right.

and stop devaluing your father, I know you didn't ask for, but in his mind he is feeding you and trying to makes you a warrior, he just don't know how.

your dad is trying is best and love you, even if that's in a lower stage way. Understand his way, and instead of pushing your belief, accept some of his and then share what he can share with you, don't talk to him about high level of spirituality, it will sound non sense, like imagine if you were Einstein of spirituality, would you try to explain your last physics work to someone who only know addition ?

a dad who doesn't love you, just put you out of his house ( and in certain case it could be love )

Well , of course the one who's complaining is my ego, and I am aware of it, but I still suffer greatly.
But, his way is abusive and forceful, I have no space to breath, it's like I'm living in a rather fancy cage. There is nothing I have to talk with him about, cars don't interest me, sex doesn't, money doesn't (It does to some extent obviously) except I'd like some to move out, and all his low stuff is so boring to me, and I have to pretend. When will he understand? when will he evolve? He is so childish and immature and dominant, he is using his power against me, obviously deep within he helps me, but what he does is serving his ego. 

[Yoshy]

try  to put psychedelics in his food or drinks . 

[Soulbass]

i'm living a similar situation with my mother.

she was strong enough to pick this "character" before incarnation (it's very courageous, and show how important her love is - to live in hell) so she can teach me something, i need to know in this life.

clash, drama = the energy is flowing.

it hurts, but it's perfect.

actually the problem comes from the one parent who is silent, and with who you think you are ok.

btw, you're relationship to the father, is the same as your relationship to god.

Edited August 26, 2019 by Soulbass

[Fishy]

8 hours ago, Soulbass said:

Btw you're relationship to the father, is the same as your relationship to god.

Okey? Care to elaborate? 

[Soulbass]

@Fishy it's a sentence i've read and i thought was worth investigating.

[Fishy]

48 minutes ago, Soulbass said:

@Fishy it's a sentence i've read and i thought was worth investigating.

Did you investigate it, or did you just read it?  It does not sound so true in my experience, but I might be missing something. That's why I wonder what your experience with it is? ?

Edited August 27, 2019 by Fishy