Weed Trip Report

[ActualizedDavid]

Ok so I'm new when we talk psychedelics and last night i got some weed to see what can i get out of it.

I used to smoke weed 3 time a week 3 years ago and i was kinda addicted.

90% of the time i did not had good results. I used to get paranoid and fearful and i was addicted to weed.

 

What happened last night. (I was alone)

I meditated for some time i made a coffee to stay awake. And i just took 2 puffs from a joint of weed and I staid in my romm which was almost dark.

I did not get any nondual experience. But what i got was paranoia, For the first time Conscious paranoia , i was kinda awere what i was doing.

I right some things down. So i can analyze them.

Here they are :

1* " what will happen tomorrow , what if this is going bad ?"

 

2* " i should not done this "

 

3* " I'm going to get addicted again of weed, i'm going to  fuckup my life again"

 

4* " My subconscious is full of negativity, full. I see myself as not worthy.

 

5* "a lot of things that i do are for getting approved and liked"

 

6* "i blame myself alot , for stupid things"

 

I got all kinds of worry thought's but in a way i was conscious about them in the moment. It was like the subconscious was open and i can relate with the subconscious. I can see what i was doing behind. What is happening inside my mind.

 

Then i went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror for 20~ minutes.

Somehow i Connect with all the parts that made "ME"

I Connected with the part that was hurt and sad because of the upbringing.  This was kinda interesting because i was looking in the mirror and see the hurt self , I changed my facial expression , my posture (i was connected with that hurt part of "myself")

In a way i disolved into that and accepted it. And i was felling some sensations in my body, some kind of of heeling. I do not know.

 

Then i start seeing how my personality is made out of "patterns" , patterns after patterns. (If this happens react like this. When you hear this facial expressions are like this, my sens of fun , sad , interesting, non interesting are made of patterns. And i was conscious in a way that i was doing all this)

Every movement that i made was in a way already decided. Every reaction. It was in a way fun, but sad to see that i'm kinda a robot :))

 

This is it. With just 2 puffs of weed i got paranoia. Maybe weed is not for me but this was helpful to see what is happening behind.

Is just the weed that gives you paranoia? Lcd , dmt etc . Are they the same if your subconscious is kinda messy ?

 

Help me to understand what this means if you have any thoughts! 

Thank you !

❤️

[ActualizedDavid]

@Nahm what do you think about this ?

[Nahm]

Paranoia is of course, a write off. A slightly meta defense (cognitive & sensational). But how am I ‘writing it off’, and why...

The misunderstanding derived, “like I’m kinda a robot” is like a Monday morning coach who’s recap is gravely tarnished with the forgetting of the actuality; the flow, the zone, the magic, of the actual playing of the game. Rarely does any spirited heart-strong player agree with anything Monday’s coach proclaims. 

Your 1 - 6 points are the inner / outer world wrestling, the back & forth between two paradigms, with an implication of a third. If this were a video of a wrestling match, you’d see   the idea of I     wrestling    the actuality of consciousness.

 

The primary delusion of the materialist paradigm is that the body produces consciousness.

➡️ You are here. 

The primary delusion of the relative paradigm is that we are conscious. 

The primary delusion of the meta paradigm is that Mind is and or produces consciousness. 

The primary delusion of the absolute paradigm is that there is a God, and that there is consciousness.

 

Initially, the move from materialist to relativist invokes the examination of; the material world, and more intimately, our relatives & relationships. The actuality of reality & the perception of it derived from our perspectives developed via our relationships is clashing, and this is a very good thing, a good place to be on the path. Obviously, you’ve been taking the consciousness work seriously and are ‘gaining’ some ground. 

Initially, in the material to relative ‘move’,  the meta peeks through in a sense, but is like static between radio stations, confusion between harmonies. Like a low D and a middle C - something just feels out of tune here... until later, when the low D is realized to have been a low C all along, and as such is completely harmonized with the middle C. 

One can not ‘tune the dial up’ the emotional scale, while keeping the dial where it already is. One can not solve a problem with the same consciousness which created it. One can not realize the actuality of the middle C also being the low C, while listening to the low D. 

So one must let go of the old paradigm. One must let go of their existing hold, their perception, of reality. How else can the manifestation of all that you are wanting arrive? There are not two realities. There is one. So all will arrive, here, now, where you already are. 

The body is not conscious, the mind is not producing consciousness. Every cell in the body, is consciousness, and as such employs “it’s very own consciousness”, to the same degree “you” do, or rather, have been believing “you” do. Though of course, the resolution is in the understanding there are, in actuality, no such separations of consciousness. It only appears so.  

So revisit this...

10 hours ago, ActualizedDavid said:

Somehow i Connect with all the parts that made "ME"

I Connected with the part that was hurt and sad because of the upbringing.  This was kinda interesting because i was looking in the mirror and see the hurt self , I changed my facial expression , my posture (i was connected with that hurt part of "myself")

In a way i disolved into that and accepted it. And i was felling some sensations in my body, some kind of of heeling. I do not know.

 

Then i start seeing how my personality is made out of "patterns" , patterns after patterns. (If this happens react like this. When you hear this facial expressions are like this, my sens of fun , sad , interesting, non interesting are made of patterns. And i was conscious in a way that i was doing all this)

Every movement that i made was in a way already decided. Every reaction. It was in a way fun, but sad to see that i'm kinda a robot :))

 

Old paradigm is being revealed by the light of the consciousness of the new paradigm.

New paradigm vision / higher understanding is “somehow I Connect with all the parts that made me”...”I connected with the part that was hurt and sad”...”dissolved into that and accepted it”...”some kind of healing” (indeed!)....”started seeing how personality is made out of patterns”...(again, very revealing of the solid work you’ve been doing ??)...”sad, interesting, non interesting, are made of patterns...and I was conscious in a way I was doing all of this”...all new paradigm perspective. 

Then...old paradigm, upon being spotted, realized, feels “called out” - and the sneaky sneaky sob that it is - defenders itself, and launches the attempt the hijack:

”Every movement that I made was in a way, already decided. (Just got hijacked)

Every reaction...” (yes - every reaction)   -    Again, yes, this is something one must become aware of - but do you see the hijack happens right here...(technically, it started with the subtle precursor set up for the hijack, claiming the “fun”)...

“It was in a way fun, but sad to see that I’m kinda a robot.” Hijacked. 

Old paradigm, “I am just a robot”.

New paradigm, “Upon doing the work, I have realized I’ve been asleep, in reactions and patterns. Having realized this, I realize I am not at all like a robot, as I am aware of  this.” Therefore, you can not be this. 

Old paradigm, “people are thinking about me, judging me, I need to be concerned with what people are thinking of me, etc” (“paranoia”)

New paradigm, “If I am to transcend this robot situation, in my purity of mind, my behaviors, and actions...it’s going to mean more sensation exploration.”

Old paradigm, “ya. And, Hellz. No. To the sensation - run!” Thus old paradigm of thought employs the paranoia; old paradigm, thought based, hijacks the sensation, defiles it basically, de-purifies it - claims it - and now it seems like “paranoia”. (But a sensation is a sensation, paranoia requires the thought story of, other people.) 

New paradigm, “nope. No sir. That shit don’t fly anymore. I want more sensation, not less. These sensations are guidance, truth, the way - certainly not anything to fear. The sensation is itself telling me - you have a history of putting what people think of you - ahead of how you yourself, feel. That is absurd, painstakingly evidence by that very simple fact - that you feel! ”

New paradigm, “and you know what, furthermore, I have no idea what anyone is actually thinking! I don’t even know if anyone is actually thinking! This is actually within me - this has only to do with the coming-of-understanding that people (probably the parents) were simply doing their best, given the times, and consciousness.”

”Forgive them, for they know not what they do” very powerful words man. 

 

If you are pickin up any of what I’m layin down here...stop and contemplate:

 

I am not aware of a separate thing - paranoia.

Paranoia is within awareness. 

I am not aware of things.

All “things”, are actually, in my own direct experience - within awareness.

(A linguistic paradox, but, notice, anything you can verbally state you are aware of, is only possibly to state due to the actuality “it” is within your awareness.

 

I am not aware of separate things - parents.

Parents are within awareness.

I am not aware of separate things - understanding, forgiveness, acceptance. 

These are within my awareness.

And they are dude. These are all within you, now.  

 

 

 

 

Sometimes multiple approaches ‘speed up’ a realization. 

 

“This place is a dream. Only a sleeper considers it real. Then death comes like dawn, and you wake up laughing, at what you thought was your grief.”

The paranoia is (currently) your “grief”. So the question is how to ‘wake up laughing’, how to see the paranoia is the punchline of a joke. I suggest this is done in realizing how you are creating the set up. 

 

What is paranoia?

“Paranoia is an unfounded or exaggerated distrust of others, sometimes reaching delusional proportions. Paranoid individuals constantly suspect the motives of those around them, and believe that certain individuals, or people in general, are "out to get them."

The meta error of that definition, or more accurately, the writer’s misunderstanding, is there is no such thing as an individual. It is precisely there which you find your ‘struggle’, the ‘wrestling’.

The definition above is of the material paradigm, that consciousness is a product of matter, namely, the belief a physical body and brain ‘produce’ consciousness, and consciousness is therefore -perceived as individualized, by individuals. (The relative paradigm)

The key word here, is “unfounded”. In the above example, paranoia is “unfounded”, because cognitively, logically, one can deduce, people are quite consumed with their own lives & suffering, and there is no foundation to believe anyone else is actually more concerned with your life, your thoughts, your ongoings - than their own. 

The ‘wrestling match’ is ultimately fueled by the collapse of self & other. A collapse created in love, fueled by love, which ends in love itself. I believe you’ll begin noticing how unfathomably sneaky thinking is, in hijacking the sensations, in an attempt to prevent this most lovely collapse. 

 

 

Look into the mirror once more, and say “you sir, you - are the sneakiest thing in the entire cosmos.”

See this, inspect this, look at this sneakiness, until it’s downright hilarious. If you’re not laughing, the sneakiness, your own sneakiness - the joke - is still, on ‘you’. Sneaky peeps create paranoia, sneakily using “others” - as the “cause”. I say this in love my man - Nobody is thinking about you, paranoia is unjustifiable, you can’t even claim in your direct experience that anyone is thinking at all. You just have to look at that sneaky sneaky son of a bitch in the mirror and have the greatest laugh ever about it. ?

If you aren’t laughin - there are some sensations currently hijacked, and you have some purification coming. Write about the sensations. Don’t go into the thoughts, the thought stories. Write about how you feel. There are beliefs, related to identity...thoughts mixed with sensation....thoughts which hijacked sensation, a mix which has been repeated resulting in beliefs. Sensation is Truth. Sensation is Purification. What one is purified of, are beliefs.

 

 

 

“ It’ll all be dead and gone in just a few short years -  Just love will open our eyes, just love will put the hope back in our minds. Much more than we could ever know.....come sisters, my brothers, shake up your bones, shake up your feet! I’m saying “open up and let the rain come pouring in!” Wash out this tired notion that the best, is yet to come. While you’re dancin on the ground - don’t think of when you’re gone. Love! Love! Love! What more is there!” -DM

[ActualizedDavid]

57 minutes ago, Nahm said:

Initially, in the material to relative ‘move’,  the meta peeks through in a sense, but is like static between radio stations, confusion between harmonies. Like a low D and a middle C - something just feels out of tune here... until later, when the low D is realized to have been a low C all along, and as such is completely harmonized with the middle C. 

this here means that is like a back and forth game until you harmonies the "move" into the relative 

yes ? 

1 hour ago, Nahm said:

Old paradigm is being revealed by the light of the consciousness of the new paradigm.

Yeah, that's what i was doing.

 

1 hour ago, Nahm said:

Then...old paradigm, upon being spotted, realized, feels “called out” - and the sneaky sneaky sob that it is - defenders itself, and launches the attempt the hijack:

”Every movement that I made was in a way, already decided. (Just got hijacked)

oh , so this is the "me" trying to be sneaky. i see. yeahh

1 hour ago, Nahm said:

Every reaction...” (yes - every reaction)   -    Again, yes, this is something one must become aware of - but do you see the hijack happens right here...(technically, it started with the subtle precursor set up for the hijack, claiming the “fun”)...

“It was in a way fun, but sad to see that I’m kinda a robot.” Hijacked. 

ok so "fun" was a starting point for the big claim that "i'm kinda a robot" to kick in.  (interesting)

1 hour ago, Nahm said:

A linguistic paradox, but, notice, anything you can verbally state you are aware of, is only possibly to state due to the actuality “it” is within your awareness.

I do not get what you say here. hmm ?

1 hour ago, Nahm said:

“Paranoia is an unfounded or exaggerated distrust of others, sometimes reaching delusional proportions. Paranoid individuals constantly suspect the motives of those around them, and believe that certain individuals, or people in general, are "out to get them."

The meta error of that definition, or more accurately, the writer’s misunderstanding, is there is no such thing as an individual. It is precisely there which you find your ‘struggle’, the ‘wrestling’.

The definition above is of the material paradigm, that consciousness is a product of matter, namely, the belief a physical body and brain ‘produce’ consciousness, and consciousness is therefore -perceived as individualized, by individuals. (The relative paradigm)

The key word here, is “unfounded”. In the above example, paranoia is “unfounded”, because cognitively, logically, one can deduce, people are quite consumed with their own lives & suffering, and there is no foundation to believe anyone else is actually more concerned with your life, your thoughts, your ongoings - than their own. 

The ‘wrestling match’ is ultimately fueled by the collapse of self & other. A collapse created in love, fueled by love, which ends in love itself. I believe you’ll begin noticing how unfathomably sneaky thinking is, in hijacking the sensations, in an attempt to prevent this most lovely collapse. 

what i'm getting here is : my paranoia is real just from the relative paradigm, in the belief of other.  if there is not other is just god's love in everything , no more paranoia.

the hijacking is very interesting. really.

1 hour ago, Nahm said:

Look into the mirror once more, and say “you sir, you - are the sneakiest thing in the entire cosmos.”

1 hour ago, Nahm said:

See this, inspect this, look at this sneakiness, until it’s downright hilarious. If you’re not laughing, the sneakiness, your own sneakiness - the joke - is still, on ‘you’. Sneaky peeps create paranoia, sneakily using “others” - as the “cause”. I say this in love my man - Nobody is thinking about you, paranoia is unjustifiable, you can’t even claim in your direct experience that anyone is thinking at all. You just have to look at that sneaky sneaky son of a bitch in the mirror and have the greatest laugh ever about it. ?

If you aren’t laughin - there are some sensations currently hijacked, and you have some purification coming. Write about the sensations. Don’t go into the thoughts, the thought stories. Write about how you feel. There are beliefs, related to identity...thoughts mixed with sensation....thoughts which hijacked sensation, a mix which has been repeated resulting in beliefs. Sensation is Truth. Sensation is Purification. What one is purified of, are beliefs.

now i'm smiling a little , thanks ! 

"What one is purified of, are beliefs."  waaaa. thanks for this. this is a good insight ! this will stay with me !

 

 

[Nahm]

29 minutes ago, ActualizedDavid said:

this here means that is like a back and forth game until you harmonies the "move" into the relative 

yes

Pretty much. Imo, it can be helpful having an overview. Takes the sting out of it.

30 minutes ago, ActualizedDavid said:

I do not get what you say here. hmm ?

Pick anything is the room....and say, “I am aware of the lamp”. Then, ask yourself, “is the lamp, within my awareness?”

It must be within your awareness, if you can state you are aware of it. The “aware   Of  it “ is linguistic, it’s how we phrase to communicate. Notice that isn’t very actual or accurate. 

When you say “I am aware of the lamp” - break it down...

I - This is actually a reference to yourself, which can’t be true. I can’t be aware of my self - because, I’m the awareness, of the thought....”I am aware of my self”. 

Write this phrase on your pad of paper... “ I am aware of my self” - then take a few deep breaths and relax, and ask - which one am I? The I which is aware - or the self?

34 minutes ago, ActualizedDavid said:

what i'm getting here is : my paranoia is real just from the relative paradigm, in the belief of other.  if there is not other is just god's love in everything , no more paranoia.

the hijacking is very interesting. really.

Sounds good to me!     Even...more so... write the phrase on your pad of paper...” If there is not other it’s just God’s love”....take a lot of slow deep breaths and reeaalllyyy relax....and ask...which one am I then?  (A hint - you are you bro. So you can’t be an other)

37 minutes ago, ActualizedDavid said:

now i'm smiling a little , thanks ! 

"What one is purified of, are beliefs."  waaaa. thanks for this. this is a good insight ! this will stay with me !

??♥️

[ActualizedDavid]

 

[zeroISinfinity]

@Nahm Can You make a topic about delusions of Absolute paradigm. It's Pure Love that's actuality, all of this.

Problem is when You teach Consciousness they all think It's mind stuff. Because most have materialistic world view. 

Thanks I love You man, Thanks for help. 

Edited August 23, 2019 by zeroISinfinity

[ActualizedDavid]

2 minutes ago, zeroISinfinity said:

@Nahm Can You make a topic about delusions of Absolute paradigm. It's Pure Love that's actuality, all of this.

Problem is when You teach Consciousness they all think It's mind stuff. Because most have materialistic world view. 

Thanks I love You man, Thanks for help. 

Materialistic world view..

How to get over it  ? By asking questions like Nahm tells us ?  Do you @zeroISinfinity are over the materialistic world view? 

[zeroISinfinity]

Just now, ActualizedDavid said:

Materialistic world view..

How to get over it  ? By asking questions like Nahm tells us ?  Do you @zeroISinfinity are over the materialistic world view? 

How to get over it? 

Meditation is the way, some wise ones say ? too, haha. 

Yes I am. I live my life as Awareness for quite few years already but honestly materialism feels like a joke.It's paradigm That brings You hell and is so devoid from Truth of actuality. 

[Farnaby]

@Nahm I kind of get what you’re pointing too.

But if we’re honest I think we all have had some negative thought/opinion about other people. If this is the case, then it isn’t necessarily delusional to suspect that someone else may be thinking something bad about us. Of course, I agree that more often than not people are not thinking about us at all or at least not as badly as we think when we’re paranoid. Another thing I’ve noticed is that other people can kind of sense how you’re feeling. So if you’re feeling paranoid and act a little weird they may think something is off, but maybe that’s just my own projection.

@ActualizedDavid I would suggest getting in touch with your fears about other people’s judgements while sober. This helps a lot to reduce paranoia when high IME.