a bit of nothing

[karkaore]

Any thoughts or comments on this loose ball are welcome ❤️

Once you zoom in, it's not what it seems.

***You're not free until You have yourself***

Love is fear and fear is love.

It's not an end if it ends bad. - this one I used to live by before my "spiritual" journey. Well... at least i tried. ?

There is no end nor a beginning. There is no "there".

Observation is key.

Suffer consciously.

 

Edited August 23, 2019 by karkaore

[karkaore]

What would it be like to stop self-surviving? What doors would it open? And most importantly, how does one do it? Would I have the courage? All I know is that I am scared but at the same time attracted to it. Feels like I am going insane. But what is insanity? I can't find the answer that's not relative. Is there a place called insanity? I am not losing my knowledge, which I have very little, nor am I losing my memories or logic. This feels more like existential insanity. Great then. Keep going.

[karkaore]

Self-honesty. Am I being honest to myself and others? Am I not biased towards my own agenda? Do I accept and reflect what is simply there, without misinterpreting it to serve my self-survival? Considering that I have a sense of worry, purposelessness and lack of satisfaction - the answer has to be no, I am not honest. Tough truth to stomach. I always told myself I am honest. Funny how the same dynamic appears. I am watching you, buddy. ?

[karkaore]

So I've thought that I am addicted to nicotine. Smoking ever since 16. Am 23 at the moment. So I've went out on a mini retreat with a bike, Stayed with my grandma for the last 4 days, throughout the day mostly riding, reading, writing notes and meditating in nature. Didn't have any tobacco on me, just ~0.2g of weed. Didn't have a craving for a cigarette once. Changing environment changes my psyche. Have noticed the same dynamic with other bad habits. Was a full o stoner back in UK, moved back home to Lithuania - the problem stayed camping in UK. ? Other habits are trying to take place, but that's manageable at this time.

[karkaore]

So I am 5 days in into army. 16 guys in one room, double height beds. These guys are ok, some are a bit more, some less annoying. But i feel compassion for all of them. They all have the same light in their eyes. I don't really have any free time (2-4 times a week for 30-40min phone is allowed) so i won't be around all that much. Existential questions do not get as much attention as before. However, the work done on discipline, time management and responsibilities is top notch. Feeling improvements and ego resistance already. This is gonna be great. Gonna get stronger, determined and the path will highjack enormously. I can only meditate lying in bed before sleep, so I am working with what I've got. Since I am here for 9 months, this should improve my personality in the relative and walking the path should be much easier after. Keep at it!

[Proactive]

I feel the testosterone.

GO FUCKING KILL IT.( I mean metaphorically, please don't actually kill anything)

[karkaore]

@Proactive Testosterone is pouring out AF, that's for sure.?

Thanks for the support! ❤️

[karkaore]

I really fucking love her. This feels more real than anything. I can't stop crying when thinking about us. We were perfect. All of our fights, breakups and heartbreaks were perfect. We were not meant to be together. That's not what is hurting me. What's hurting me is that I still feel like I've let her down. I feel like I should have been better. And knowing that everything is the way it is, just is, doesn't really help much here. I FUCKING LOVE HER. The fact that we were not ready for that relationship is the hardest thing for me to accept right now. I enjoy this suffering in a way. I am getting stronger with every tear. However, I didn't imagine this to be so damn heavy.. Sometimes I doubt that I can get over this on my own.

 

Edited September 1, 2019 by karkaore

[karkaore]

So tomorrow is the day I have to take a loyalty oath to my country. This will give me a "first rank" and I will be officially a Lithuanian soldier.

"I promise to loyally serve Lithuanian Republic, .............., fairly execute Lithuanian Republic Constitution, laws and my officers orders, ..............., God bless me." I have skipped some parts of the oath and included the ones that gives me hard time dealing with. First of all, I see a lot of misconceptions and flaws in the constitution that I know I genuinely wouldn't follow even though without the constitution there wouldn't be a country. And the second thing is that I value Lithuanian people and country just as much as any other country. 

What bugs me the most about the whole system is that there is only three ways not to take the oath: white ticket, courts and criminal cases or calling out a referendum which takes shit load of bureaucracy. + if I don't take the oath this means i am avoiding military service. (automatically putting me under courts). There is no possibilities of not taking the oath and staying. My own worldview doesn't play any role here basically. I feel quite disappointed. They sent me to psychologist to talk about all this but she didn't seem to fully understand me, was going through basic principles and that's basically it. I am not perfect at explaining my worldview or feelings either.

So yeah.. tomorrow is the day I will take the oath that I do not fully agree with personally.

I feel confused.

 

[karkaore]

Well, I swore the damn thing. Do feel okay with it. Feel like it was the right thing to do. This place, even though full of dogma, is having a good impact on me already. 

Patriotism. I've always had negative associations with the concept. Was even resisting it, in a way demonizing patriotic people. I was wrong. I am starting to see the good sides of it. No society can run without patriotism. I am saying this without actually knowing what i mean by the word. Funny.

I know that i feel more motivated, more welcomed. Started loving this place more- the grass, water, sky, trees, clouds, wind, people. Myself.

[karkaore]

I am having a bit of a backlash. Feel tired of everything, of this environment. Feel unconscious, frustrated a bit. I want some space. Want to get away from everything, want to be alone for a while.

Edited September 25, 2019 by karkaore

[Zigzag Idiot]

  @karkaore A practice which sometimes is of benefit to me is to inwardly have no opinion about anything. It can give an inner spaciousness when gone about in a certain way.

Become completely empty inside until this opens into a view which you feel purpose for. In other words, all necessary responsibilities are carried out for no other reason than - just for the hell of it. With aim of resigned patience until meaning shows itself. I had a friend called back into the military during Iraq's invasion of Kuwait. He's time over there was going to be around 10 months.  As he was leaving he mentioned nonchalantly, "10 months,,, I can do that standing on my head,,,,,

Hope is a bit of a help. ?

[karkaore]

@Zigzag Idiot Thank you. ❤️

[karkaore]

Hey there. I will tell you one thing - it's simple. It's so simple it's laughable. Trying to solve 2+2 with equations and formulas, that's what humanity is doing..? Well, light shines upon all things anyway. They all know it, unknowingly.

[karkaore]

Realized how much i actually don't give a shit about anyone but myself. All of my ideas about unconditional love are gone. Ideas about enlightenment are gone. Everything is gone. Am egotistical. Feel unbalanced. However, typing this, feelings of untrueness is present. It's like I am happy with the state I am in right now. This happiness is negative. There is nobody I can talk to about this. Help.?

Reality feels like a fucked up game. I feel like a fucked up game. Giving up, letting this all go is the desire. I feel unconscious AF. 

Life continues. With every twilight there comes a sunshine.

[karkaore]

Hey there. Nothing special is going on in my life. Nothing I have to say. How do I feel now? I feel at peace, feel loving. My path is very gradual. At least it seems that way. When I feel down it's no big deal, when I feel blessed it's no big deal. Everything is effortless. Overcoming fear is getting easy. Shifting mood is getting easy. Am I realising my true self? Hah.