How to desire Death more than Life?

[Sempiternity]

I've been contemplating what has been holding me back from fully dedicating myself to going forward with an Awakening. Although I desire all the 'benefits' of an Awakening more than anything else in life, to this point that desire for Truth has not been able to surpass the fear of death. My realization is I'm not suicidal enough. Odd thing to say I know. I need for my desire for the death of myself (Ego) to be the number one most important thing in my life. Whereas the desire to stay alive is the most important thing to me now. How do I get my desire to die* to overcome my desire to live? How do I become so suicidal that wanting to die is such a passionate need that I would do it right this second? 

*From teachers such as Leo, Ego death/waking up from the illusion and realization of God, is the same as physical death. Yet you come back to your body eventually. I want Realization of God/Infinity, not permanent physical death. 

[Forestluv]

@Jed Vassallo Sounds like you've created an epic battle between ego and death. Should be quite a movie ending.

Do some psychedelics, go through ego death, integrate and transcend the personality. Then move on. There are other movies after this one.  

[Sempiternity]

3 minutes ago, Mikael89 said:

You need more suffering.

I get that. I've tried. To be transparent, I have shed everything I could to shed attachments to this life. I got rid of social circles, all friends, dating, sex, my physical appearance, socializing, anything fun, planning for the future. I gave up everything to pursue Enlightenment/Awakening. I don't know what else I can do to make myself suffer other than taking away food or pursuing physical pain. After trying everything, I just don't know how to tip the scale from fear and holding on to life, tipped to wanting Truth more than life. 

[Sempiternity]

1 minute ago, Serotoninluv said:

Sounds like you've created an epic battle between ego and death. Should be quite a movie ending.

Lol, yeah I hears ya. Quite the epic battle. I know who I'm rooting to win. 

2 minutes ago, Serotoninluv said:

Do some psychedelics, go through ego death, integrate and transcend the personality. Then move on. There are other movies after this one.  

Well yeah, that's what I'm trying to do, hence the post  

[Aeris]

6 minutes ago, Jed Vassallo said:

I get that. I've tried. To be transparent, I have shed everything I could to shed attachments to this life. I got rid of social circles, all friends, dating, sex, my physical appearance, socializing, anything fun, planning for the future. I gave up everything to pursue Enlightenment/Awakening. I don't know what else I can do to make myself suffer other than taking away food or pursuing physical pain. After trying everything, I just don't know how to tip the scale from fear and holding on to life, tipped to wanting Truth more than life. 

There is no 'truth' aside the one you choosed to believe.

Tada.

[Guru Fat Bastard]

Do you have any practices going?
You've given up outer attachments,but truth is found nowhere else but within.

[Esoteric]

@Jed Vassallo You can go for physical pain. Like sundance rituals or taking on those gloves that has shitloads of bullet ants in them (one bite from one ant is supposedly extremely painful), or sweat lodges etc. There is a reason people put themselves through extreme physical pain, because the spiritual growth is fast. Just throwing out ideas.

[Aeris]

1 hour ago, Esoteric said:

@Jed Vassallo You can go for physical pain. Like sundance rituals or taking on those gloves that has shitloads of bullet ants in them (one bite from one ant is supposedly extremely painful), or sweat lodges etc. There is a reason people put themselves through extreme physical pain, because the spiritual growth is fast. Just throwing out ideas.

Just cold shower

[Leo Gura]

There is no such thing as death. Death is a fantasy in your mind.

[Rilles]

7 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

There is no such thing as death. Death is a fantasy in your mind.

What happens when the heart stops beating? 

[Leo Gura]

6 minutes ago, Rilles said:

What happens when the heart stops beating? 

Whatever you imagine.

[Sempiternity]

27 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

There is no such thing as death. Death is a fantasy in your mind.

Yes of course, but it's real to me now. And there in lies the dilemma. Can't surrender to death if the will to live is stronger. It may be obvious that there is no death from the other side of Awakening, but from this side it's still real and terrifying.  

[Sempiternity]

1 hour ago, Esoteric said:

@Jed Vassallo You can go for physical pain. Like sundance rituals or taking on those gloves that has shitloads of bullet ants in them (one bite from one ant is supposedly extremely painful), or sweat lodges etc. There is a reason people put themselves through extreme physical pain, because the spiritual growth is fast. Just throwing out ideas.

Hadn't quite considered this as a direction. I do consider myself a mosaicist, and enjoy pain. But, I'm sure there is a level that could be so unbearable as to want to 'end it'. Lol, self torture as a way to Enlightenment, sure why not. Extreme problems, sometimes can take extreme solutions. 

55 minutes ago, Aeris said:

Just cold shower

I doubt cold showers would make me want to kill myself. 

[Leo Gura]

7 minutes ago, Jed Vassallo said:

Yes of course, but it's real to me now. And there in lies the dilemma. Can't surrender to death if the will to live is stronger. It may be obvious that there is no death from the other side of Awakening, but from this side it's still real and terrifying.  

Stop dramatizing it. It's no big deal.

[Sempiternity]

1 minute ago, Leo Gura said:

Stop dramatizing it. It's no big deal.

Easy to say. Harder when that time comes to truly face it for the first time and have to surrender to it. 

[zeroISinfinity]

46 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Whatever you imagine.

Yes You Can be everything You want. Glad That I got confirmation of this insight. 

What this Also means is That You have chosen this life. 

 

[zeroISinfinity]

14 minutes ago, Jed Vassallo said:

Easy to say. Harder when that time comes to truly face it for the first time and have to surrender to it. 

Meditation is the way. Nothing Can really stop You for discovering Truth of yourself. 

[Aeris]

1 hour ago, Rilles said:

What happens when the heart stops beating? 

If logic is a feature. Then you litteraly cannot die' if everything is one. Video game told you what happen. Cause an Infinite time would mean ...

I don't believe in death like litteraly

better stay grounded here or you'll forget... again

[Leo Gura]

57 minutes ago, Jed Vassallo said:

Easy to say. Harder when that time comes to truly face it for the first time and have to surrender to it. 

Just do the practices and it will come naturally.

[Guru Fat Bastard]

The Buddha already tried self mortification through extreme ascetic disciplines to no avail. The problem is, what is not 'you" is believing  itself to be a physical (body-mind) "thing" as an identity. This "me" or "I" body-mind that "I"  thought, or assumed as being myself,may not be what I am. So, if I'm not body,mind,thought,belief or identity, what am I? Thus,the inward search or seeking for the truth begins. Have the humility to know,that you alone,of your own volition,cannot awaken to truth. How can you awaken to what you don't yet know? Any pre-concieved beliefs or ideas (yours or others), of what "I am" or truth is, will unnecessarily hinder it's possibility of happening. Not knowing, opens the door for the possibility of it revealing itself.
This "Grace"  is a very real "thing",and not some lofty religious concept. Grace is the movement of the divine's Love in the revealing of itself, and not something "you" do of your own volition. Humility is vulnerability,and that vulnerability allows space for that movement to happen.

Ego thinks it has something to do with all or any of this,when it has no control whatsoever. It also assumes it awakens.
Ego doesn't die or awaken. It's transcended and shown to be a false illusion that never was.



 

Edited August 18, 2019 by Guru Fat Bastard