Afraid after Meditation

[Zorka]

Hey people!

I just had a very deep meditation (even though I am just meditating for a couple of days). In this meditation I sat down and just focused on my breath. After some while (I would guess around 15 minutes) I felt a deep sense of peace. And I tried to focus on my breath and on the present moment. But then suddenly I wanted to try to make the distinction between thought and awareness. I am currently reading "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle and I wanted to experience what he is writing about. So I focused on just experiencing my thoughts.

After a while I noticed that my "experience" was just thinking about my thouhgts and analyzing them and philosophizing about them. Since every guru says that we cannot manipulate or control our thoughts since we are not the thinker I tried to prove to myself that I can think of whatever I want. So I said "Now I want to think about a bird" and "Now I want to think about cars" and it worked. But then suddenly I realized that all this was a thought. That the whole process of proving to myself that I can think what I want was a thought that I couldnt choose. Everything was just coming from somewhere. I had no control of my thoughts since the thought of control was just another thouhgt.

Now the problem I am experiencing now is that I am not fulfilled by realizing that. I don't have a feeling of happiness or joy. I am just afraid. Because it feels like I am a robot being watched. I am just watching this machine doing whatever it does and I can't control it since this control is just the illusion of control. And I now feel confused, light headed and a bit instable. I feel detached from myself but not in a positive way as it was described in books and videos. I feel scared

Do you have any thoughts that could help?

[Zorka]

I want to add that what probably scares me is that the system that I identified with is running on its own. How am I controlling it? I am not influencing it at all. It feels like I am just watching what happens. I have never been this person. And this scares me because as I am writing this it feels like I am not writing this. 

[mandyjw]

Well, the good news is you went really deep in a really short amount of time. Examine the fear itself, where does IT come from? Control and lack of control is a duality, neither is the actual case, or rather they both are true simultaneously. You're experiencing a bit of ego backlash from realizing this. We often get sold on the idea that happiness and joy will be the result of this work, but reaching a depth of understanding means we have to peel back layers of protection, so it helps to acknowledge that the process can be uncomfortable. 

[Zorka]

@mandyjw But it's very confusing to me. Because everyone describes this understanding as something positive. But for me it just scares the shit out of me and it feels like it makes me less effective in the daily life. Why should I continue to pursue it instead of falling back into illusion?

[mandyjw]

@Zorka Why do two opposite ends of a magnet attract? Why do we need to love and be loved? The answer can't be found intellectually. You can't be sold on the benefits of it as if I were trying to convince you to buy a supplement from me. We seek the truth because we just can't help ourselves. 

[Nivsch]

@Zorka meditation and spiritually seeking can be very helpful as long as it is just one piece of your day and don't make you do less the other things you do in life.

If the process makes you to be less with family and less with friends - than you are doing wrong. Spirituality might not be a private nor an isolating thing. Its very easy to fall the cycle of intrusive thoughts.

If it already more than an hour left and you still try to solve this backlash issue that makes you afraid - just do another things! The solution will come to you effortlessly on its time

The whole spritually process have to be in balance with other activities in life, for your emotionaly health!

Edited August 17, 2019 by Nivsch

[dharm4]

@Zorka As a recovering control freak/anxiety person, I also had this "problem of control" .

Who is saying "I have no control of my thoughts"?  Isn't it another thought? Thought splits itself up into many things, and this leads to confusion, anxiety. Become aware of your anxious thoughts and feelings, just observe them. Let them come and go. And as @Nivsch said, if you get too overwhelmed withthem, go outside and just spend time with family and friends.

I know some teachers say "you are not the thought but the observer". It's a bit misleading, they should say "you are more than just your thought, you are the universe itself".

You are the thoughts, the trees outside, your room, the world. You create it. Find out that there is no seperation between the observer and the observed. Then fear will go away.

[Good-boy]

@Zorka since there is no control, "everything is looking at you" as it is you. The illusory self would align with reality once it gives up the control itself. All that would be left is love with the capital L. 

?

 

Edited August 18, 2019 by Good-boy

[Freakyboo]

11 hours ago, Zorka said:

But it's very confusing to me. Because everyone describes this understanding as something positive. But for me it just scares the shit out of me and it feels like it makes me less effective in the daily life. Why should I continue to pursue it instead of falling back into illusion?

The ego will always try to cling to the illusion of control and fears losing (the illusion) of control.  This is the time, as others have said, to simply observe the sensation of fear arising.  Where in your body does it arise?  Don't focus on thoughts associated with it.  Just observe the feeling whenever it arises and eventually it will pass.