Family advice

[pdude]

Hello everyone. I'm need a some advice from people which maybe have more experience in this matter and in life at all.

At first, about myself. I am 19 years old and like many young people learnt about self-actualization from one of Leo's videos. It was about meditation. Just some day I feel like I want to start meditate and find this no-bullshit guide Of course I become interested in other videos and find it very helpful for me. Very helpful because it works.

But my post not about it, but about my mother. I live with my mother almost all my life and have a relationship with her quite different from most of families.She divorce with my father when I was 2-3 years old, because he drunk very much and beat her up.

She was always like a child even when I was born; go partying, drink alcohol; don't care about how to make living, don't even really work. Her grandfather, my grandgrandfather spoil her, I think. When child, she had no need to care about anything. Then he passed away when I was 8 and I and my mother left without money, only old house with yard.

Thus my school years I suffer that is to say, poverty (I don't even say about subsequences of it). We live on because of some relatives helping us. My mother didn't work at that time, have part-time job sometimes, even then she whine how she hate it.

After school I find my first normal job at 17 and from that time we start living better. Make some renovations in house and so on. For example, in my childhood we living a shitty lifestyle, shitty diet. I change this. And because of that that I manage money my mom too not eat junk food anymore. I like it, I feel better, and this is economic. But she don't like it. Roles in my family change somehow. I feel myself like parent of some mentally handicapped child.

Last few years she suddenly grow old, become more stupid, neurotic and watch tv and internet most of time. She treat me like some weirdo because of my healthy lifestyle, meditations and yoga. She whine that I don't love her. When I said her that I from now will not eat white bread, she says something like "It's because of that fucking bald guy you watching?"(about Leo I presume).

Today I had a very good party that my company organize for coworkers. When I come home she says that I go to party and don't give a shit about her. I know she envy and angry. But I don't know what to do about it. You say that all about she sit at home and degrading slowly. I proposed her some courses, she refused; work in company that I work myself, refused. She do not want to leave home, do something even at home. She does cook and cleaning but in a very painful manner.

I see that she fall apart somehow, like sand castle. She's 46, but emotionaly like 60. Complain about headaches too. Before diet change she has complained about stomach aches, but now, after stopping eat junk it alright. I think she have some disease and propose her to check in hospital, she refused.

But I love her though. I have good memories with her too. It's very painful to see something like that.

[Commodent]

You might want to read "Understanding the Borderline Mother" by Christine Ann Lawson. That was the first thing that came to mind while reading your post, as it goes really well into the dilemma you're facing. As in, should you sacrifice your own well-being in order to take care of emotionally immature parents who can't help themselves? (Hint: it's not..)

[SerpaeTetra]

Option 1 - get out of there/maybe help her find some stable living situation 

Option 2 - I would try to get her to see a therapist - once she goes, she might like it because she can talk about her supposed shitty life and someone will listen to her about it for an hour. It sounds like she is stubborn at this point, so you may have to trick her a bit.  You might have to show her a lot of love-which will be hard since her response might not be great... maybe bribe her-this works on kids/older adults tremendously-although you rarely want to use it unless necessary... or tell her that you yourself need it too, and it can get you guys closer.  Or even see a family therapist, and put the blame on you just to get her to go that first visit.

[pdude]

7 hours ago, Commodent said:

You might want to read "Understanding the Borderline Mother" by Christine Ann Lawson. That was the first thing that came to mind while reading your post, as it goes really well into the dilemma you're facing. As in, should you sacrifice your own well-being in order to take care of emotionally immature parents who can't help themselves? (Hint: it's not..)

Incredible. I don't know that even a books on such matter exist. Thanks

[pdude]

7 hours ago, SerpaeTetra said:

Option 1 - get out of there/maybe help her find some stable living situation 

Option 2 - I would try to get her to see a therapist - once she goes, she might like it because she can talk about her supposed shitty life and someone will listen to her about it for an hour. It sounds like she is stubborn at this point, so you may have to trick her a bit.  You might have to show her a lot of love-which will be hard since her response might not be great... maybe bribe her-this works on kids/older adults tremendously-although you rarely want to use it unless necessary... or tell her that you yourself need it too, and it can get you guys closer.  Or even see a family therapist, and put the blame on you just to get her to go that first visit.

I know what you mean. I doubt that she will talk openly with therapist. She have complexes about many things and love to lie to others to get what she want. And there is option one too. You write objectively good options to take. Thanks for reply.

[Forestluv]

She sounds unhealthy and co-dependent on you. At 19, you probably aren’t fully independent. You could work to get more space and distance from her by becoming more independent. You could receive some therapy to better deal with her or develop friendships and activities to get a break from her. She may get upset and guilt trip you, yet if she is behaving unhealthy and is unwilling to change, it is not your responsibility to make her change and you are not obligated to participate in healthy behavior with her.

I hope the best you. That is a rough situation.

[pdude]

@Serotoninluv You are right. I depend on her in some degree. She's my only close relative and I want to see her as companion in my path.