Struggling with the dating game

[Simon Håkansson]

Hello everyone,

I´m an autistic, heterosexual guy at the age of 21 who have never been in a relationship. I have been struggling a lot throughout the years to get into one however and have probably been rejected more times than I can count on my two hands. (at least if feels that way)

I have watched a lot of dating advice videos and read various articles online, from various sources about the social game and how to “pick-up” women (I´m not into pick-up at all, just looking for a long term relationship) but it just feels completely overwhelming to me. There are so many rules, so many dos and don´ts that it just feels like a giant minefield that stretches almost indefinitely with traps everywhere. And when I walk into a trap, it is sometimes impossible for me to get where I did wrong and how to correct it.

I struggle a lot with small talk, it is something that I have intentionally trained up during the last few years (I even picked up a minor interest in football just so that I could have something to talk about). But I loathe doing it, it just feels completely pointless and tiresome to come up with things to talk about.  I also loathe the social game and people being indirect with me, which makes it difficult in dating, since girls are often quite subtle in their expressions. (one time I got rejected when I was certain that there was a spark, which was quite painful).

Lastly, I have yet to solve the paradox with intention vs giving up. On one hand I have heard dating coaches saying that you must “create a spark” or create sexual tension, if you don´t do that at all you will be put in the friend zone. On the other hand, I have often scared girls away when I have made it my conscious intention to get into a relationship. I have also heard from my dad that I would become more attractive if I slowed down my pace and give up on my “projects”. I just don´t understand how I could give up, since I would like to be in a relationship (it´s not a must for me though).

Does anyone have some tips on how I could change my mindset and improve my success in the dating game? (I´m dead set on fixing all of my problems)

Regards/Simon

Edited August 15, 2019 by Simon Håkansson

[universe]

Being autistic can make flirting a bit difficult.

The thing is, dont take everything she says too literally. Its more about emotions. Dont try to use logic - instead use fun and self-amusement.

Most of the flirting tipps on the internet are bullshit. I would suggest you just focus on being nice and funny. And most importantly not needy. That means, if she gives short answers and doesnt seem invested in the conversation, you leave. Try again the next time or day, or week. Until you get a serious no. Same with texting, dont send multiple text per day if she doesnt respond. Wait a day or better a week if you can.

Just try to kiss her at some point, so it doesnt seem like you are gay or just want to be friends. If you feel nervous about this just go in 80% of the way and let her come the rest of the way if she wants.

4 hours ago, Simon Håkansson said:

I struggle a lot with small talk, it is something that I have intentionally trained up during the last few years. But I loathe doing it, it just feels completely pointless and tiresome to come up with things to talk about.  I also loathe the social game and people being indirect or with me, which makes it difficult in dating, since girls are often quite subtle in their expressions.

Well here lies your problem. You hate the cake, but you want the cake. Thats not going to happen. If you cant find a way to enjoy your time flirting its going to be very hard and rough. Instead focus on having fun while doing it.

A good way to let conversation flow naturally and have fun while doing it - is not needing anything from her. If you can feel loved and accepted by yourself the conversation will be relaxed and laid back. Instead of running errands on your brain on how to manipulate her to get the most acceptance and love out of her you can bring in some creativity and fun.

Let go of your needs by releasing the emotions behind them.

As for asking for a relationship - a good rule of thumb is to first get to know her and have sex until you discuss anything serious.