Should I hide my frustration from my girlfriend?

[Farnaby]

Hi! 

So here’s the thing. I’ve noticed that whenever my girlfriend or me feel frustrated or angry and show it, it affects the vibe and generally leads us to feeling disconnected. Even when we are very careful and express it without getting into a fight.

A good example for this is sex. There have been situations where I could feel she was disappointed and frustrated and it made me feel bad about myself and guilty. But I can totally understand that she’s frustrated and can’t hide it (I wouldn’t like her to act as if everything is OK if it isn”t).

The same thing has happened the other way around. Sometimes she gets lost in her mind and can’t relax so we stop, and as you can imagine this can be frustrating and my frustration tends to manifest in some way or another (if not verbally, non verbally). Of course this leaves her feeling guilty, worried and scared that I may break up with her, which only makes it more likely to happen again.

Do you think it’s better to hide my frustration in order to not be seen as needy and to avoid sex becoming an unpleasant experience? 

Thank you! 

[Lubomir]

Avoid sex being an unpleasant experience by finding what makes you dissapointed or guilty, think about it for yourself (why you do/don't do that) and then talk about it with her. With this you can find a way out of it...

Also, 

4 hours ago, Farnaby said:

whenever my girlfriend or me feel frustrated or angry and show it

 It's pretty stupid for a healthy relationship to hide your feelings (in my opinion).

You're not needy because you talk about your feelings, you're needy because you talk about them and do nothing with them to change/get better. Also, don't push it too much... but IDK, you're the only one here who knows your girlfriend

GL

[loub]

@Farnaby  I agree with @Lubomir . In my experience you don't feel disconnected from your girlfriend because you show anger and frustration but because anger and frustration slip out in an environment where you feel like you need to hide them because they shouldn't be there. If you two were to deliberately set an environment of total honesty, where you tell her about your anger and frustration and also about how you feel about them and how they make you feel about the relationship, you tell her about your fears and insecurities and you let it all out, do you really think that a feeling of being disconnected would result? Sharing times of vulnerability and openness in relationships leads to connection, understanding and transformation.

You might find reading Radical Honesty helpful. Best of luck to you guys

Edited August 14, 2019 by loub

[Farnaby]

9 hours ago, Lubomir said:

Avoid sex being an unpleasant experience by finding what makes you dissapointed or guilty, think about it for yourself (why you do/don't do that) and then talk about it with her. With this you can find a way out of it...

Also, 

 It's pretty stupid for a healthy relationship to hide your feelings (in my opinion).

You're not needy because you talk about your feelings, you're needy because you talk about them and do nothing with them to change/get better. Also, don't push it too much... but IDK, you're the only one here who knows your girlfriend

GL

@Lubomir Thanks! I didn’t mean that I use to hide my feelings, but when I express my frustration for not feeling her receptiveness and how it’s affecting me, there’s always a dead-end where we can’t come up with a solution and she feels pressured to force herself to try and be more receptive. This, of course doesn’t sound right to me at all since it wouldn’t be genuine.

 

8 hours ago, loub said:

@Farnaby  I agree with @Lubomir . In my experience you don't feel disconnected from your girlfriend because you show anger and frustration but because anger and frustration slip out in an environment where you feel like you need to hide them because they shouldn't be there. If you two were to deliberately set an environment of total honesty, where you tell her about your anger and frustration and also about how you feel about them and how they make you feel about the relationship, you tell her about your fears and insecurities and you let it all out, do you really think that a feeling of being disconnected would result? Sharing times of vulnerability and openness in relationships leads to connection, understanding and transformation.

You might find reading Radical Honesty helpful. Best of luck to you guys

@loub Thanks for your input, it really resonates with my experience.

However, when we talk about this as honestly as possible, we always get to a point where we can’t seem to figure out why we’re feeling so disconnected sexually. She always tells me she thinks it has nothing to do with me and that she finds me very attractive throughout the day, but when we start to get intimate she can’t relax. 

From my point of view there has to be something I’m doing that’s contributing to her being unable to relax, but she says I’m not doing anything wrong. 

I will check that book out ? I think we don’t get to a really vulnerable point when this happens. I only feel frustrated and holding myself back in order to not pressure her. When it happens for a long time I start feeling insecure. But that’s all I am aware of and all that I can explain to her. I have to admit that when I feel that way I explain it rationally instead of being really emotionally connected. Do you have any advice on how to create this environment of honesty and vulnerability?

Thanks a lot! 

[universe]

15 hours ago, Farnaby said:

Of course this leaves her feeling guilty, worried and scared that I may break up with her, which only makes it more likely to happen again.

You gave the answer yourself!

You can avoid all of this by communicating! Do it!

[Farnaby]

7 hours ago, universe said:

You gave the answer yourself!

You can avoid all of this by communicating! Do it!

@universe I’m confused now lol 

This is usually the result of me communicating my frustration verbally instead of just showing it non verbally. Maybe I’m not communicating right, but I don’t know how else to do it besides telling her how I’m feeling in that moment ?

Can you explain how you think this can be avoided by communicating? 

[universe]

Do you want her to be "worried and scared that I may break up with her"?

If not then yes, you are communicating something wrong.

You can say for example: Ah Im feeling so frustrated about this happening but its no big deal because I love you anyway and I enjoy spending time with you. Lets have a fancy dinner and go dance in the rain.

Or whatever you do to express your love to each other

[Farnaby]

15 minutes ago, universe said:

Do you want her to be "worried and scared that I may break up with her"?

If not then yes, you are communicating something wrong.

You can say for example: Ah Im feeling so frustrated about this happening but its no big deal because I love you anyway and I enjoy spending time with you. Lets have a fancy dinner and go dance in the rain.

Or whatever you do to express your love to each other

@universe Thank you! 

I always tell her that I won’t leave her because of that. But sometimes she can’t snap out of that thought. 

I like what you suggested about not making a big deal out of it. Usually that’s what happens a while later, but when I’m feeling frustrated and this keeps happening, expressing our love is certainly not what we’re in the mood of straight away. When I’m feeling angry, insecure, etc., it wouldn’t be authentic to say that it isn’t a big  deal, since it definitely is at that particular moment. 

However, I can see how we both sometimes prolong our disconnection and act out of pride instead of letting the negative emotions fade away, so I will work on not staying in that state too long.

[flowboy]

@Farnaby

I honestly would recommend taking MDMA together, or a psychedelic like LSD, and having a really good talk about all these things. That's the best advice I could give you.

Because it sounds like you both have all these little frustrations here and there that your normal conversation patterns are not resolving. When you talk about it, your patterns are such that it doesn't lead to a satisfying resolution and the return of harmony.

I'm sure I will get flak for this, but I think you need to have a glowing experience together that disrupts your normal every day patterns of relating.

And no, hiding is never a good idea.

Edited August 16, 2019 by flowboy

[loub]

On 8/15/2019 at 2:56 AM, Farnaby said:

Do you have any advice on how to create this environment of honesty and vulnerability?

Read the book together and see if you can share the vision presented there. Make a commitment to being 100% honest. Accept that coming out of hiding will bring up a lot of shit and will make you both feel more uncomfortable than before for a while. Know that it is better than the alternative. Be completely detached from outcome, it could lead to a breakup or a pause or to a deep and life-long connection. Who knows, but however the outcome it is better than the alternative.

I disagree with the LSD-dude. There's much you can and should resolve sober before doing something like that. Use it to get you to heaven not as an avoidance of hell.

Best of luck, I hope I was of help

[Michael569]

Talking completely openly with a partner can be scary but extremely therapeutic. We did that couple times with my partner. You become extremely vulnerable while you give your partner an opportunity to tell you what bothers them and vice versa. Afterwards you both go your own way and allow time to heal and to process the information and consider if there is something you can remedy. 

It is important that this delicate procedure is not too long, not judgemental and that all emotional reactions to what you hear are put aside. A deep meditation can be a good way to process what you have heard. As uncomfortable as this is, hiding shit under the rug will build up mutual resentment and at some point it will be beyond your both's ability to ignore and will either result in divorce or a cancer of the weaker one from the couple. 

[Farnaby]

2 hours ago, flowboy said:

@Farnaby

I honestly would recommend taking MDMA together, or a psychedelic like LSD, and having a really good talk about all these things. That's the best advice I could give you.

Because it sounds like you both have all these little frustrations here and there that your normal conversation patterns are not resolving. When you talk about it, your patterns are such that it doesn't lead to a satisfying resolution and the return of harmony.

I'm sure I will get flak for this, but I think you need to have a glowing experience together that disrupts your normal every day patterns of relating.

And no, hiding is never a good idea.

@flowboy Thanks for your advice! I have actually considered this since I have tripped before on shrooms and taken MDMA once. However, I would like our first trip to be when we feel really connected beforehand. She’s kind of scared of not being able to exit the psychedelic headspace and I would feel responsible and anxious if she had a bad time.

On the other hand you’re probably right about psychedelics disrupting our normal communication patterns, which I think could be very healing.

1 hour ago, loub said:

Read the book together and see if you can share the vision presented there. Make a commitment to being 100% honest. Accept that coming out of hiding will bring up a lot of shit and will make you both feel more uncomfortable than before for a while. Know that it is better than the alternative. Be completely detached from outcome, it could lead to a breakup or a pause or to a deep and life-long connection. Who knows, but however the outcome it is better than the alternative.

I disagree with the LSD-dude. There's much you can and should resolve sober before doing something like that. Use it to get you to heaven not as an avoidance of hell.

Best of luck, I hope I was of help

@loub

I’ve started reading the book and will ask her if she wants to try the radical honesty thing out. 

I think I have to learn how to be completely honest without being aggressive, blaming or judgemental. Usually I’m more of a people pleaser, but when I get triggered I can be pretty passive-aggressive. 

Would radical honesty in such a situation mean not reacting inmediately and then open up about how what happened deeply hurt me? 

1 hour ago, Michael569 said:

Talking completely openly with a partner can be scary but extremely therapeutic. We did that couple times with my partner. You become extremely vulnerable while you give your partner an opportunity to tell you what bothers them and vice versa. Afterwards you both go your own way and allow time to heal and to process the information and consider if there is something you can remedy. 

It is important that this delicate procedure is not too long, not judgemental and that all emotional reactions to what you hear are put aside. A deep meditation can be a good way to process what you have heard. As uncomfortable as this is, hiding shit under the rug will build up mutual resentment and at some point it will be beyond your both's ability to ignore and will either result in divorce or a cancer of the weaker one from the couple. 

@Michael569 Thank you for your advice! 

How would you go about telling each other what bothers us without making it sound like blame? 

Yes, I think hiding shit under the rug is never a good idea. I think we don’t hide big stuff but maybe little frustrations that build up and leave us feeling disconnected. 

[Michael569]

3 hours ago, Farnaby said:

How would you go about telling each other what bothers us without making it sound like blame? 

By finding time and place where you can completely and honestly open yourselves to the other's genuine feedback. A good place is in nature. Nature's purity and lack of judgment will help you get it out of the system easily. You don't have to look into each other's eyes, just sit next to the other and start talking. You could also just sit on grass and lean on each other's back so that you both face a different direction, this is a comfortable and safe position to start from. 

 While you talk she remains quiet and listens. After you are done, then she goes and you take it all in without any comment.  You don't have to release everything in first session. It may take some time top burn through all the mutual demons. 

Then later you both spend some time and contemplate. Mind you this is extremely vulnerable situation, it will kinda feel like being naked and if either of you shows a hint of negativity or judgement the other will close himself/herself completely and the session is done, potentially for good. 

Edited August 16, 2019 by Michael569

[loub]

4 hours ago, Farnaby said:

 

@loub

I’ve started reading the book and will ask her if she wants to try the radical honesty thing out.  

Do, or don't. There is no try

4 hours ago, Farnaby said:

I think I have to learn how to be completely honest without being aggressive, blaming or judgemental. Usually I’m more of a people pleaser, but when I get triggered I can be pretty passive-aggressive. 

Would radical honesty in such a situation mean not reacting inmediately and then open up about how what happened deeply hurt me?

Good for you on picking that book up. Just pay special attention on the "how to deal with anger" part. Nothing I could add to that.

Also contemplate the books content in a metaphysical, transpersonal context. It was surprisingly wise and full of spiritual insight especially in the beginning but the author is still biased against woowoo and towards rationality which closes him up to many things. See how the books content relates to the ego and it's control mechanisms, authenticity, Truth and other things.