A Dysfunctional Relationship - Help Me :(

[Christian]

Hi, people on the Actualized.org forum

My name is Christian and I am a teenager. I have this friend who I currently live with at a boarding school. We are room mates. And it is not a fun experience.

He is always on the look out for the things that I  have not done yet (cleaning my room), (hanging out with friends), not doing my homework. And then he tries to get me to do those things and when I say "no" he does NOT accept it at all. He - in fact - raises his voice and yells at me that I will not do it anyway and that makes me so angry and frustrated. Other times he tells me that I have ruined his day because I do not obey him and that makes me feel sorrow  towards him even though deep down I know it is him that is toxic and needs help because he a huge chunk of his life on what I am doing. Not on what he wants to create of his own.

Another thing he does is that when he has a problem (ie. the teacher did not show up to help him, someone told him something that he did not like at the time, or something different that is negative, he always talks about that to me.And I am so tired of it. I can't stand it because I get affected by it negatively quite a lot.

 I want to leave him because I can not stand being in a relationship where I am constantly judged and expected to do things and when I say  "No" the person (he) gets mad. Also because he does not bring a lot of joy and has no compelling life purpose.

I want you guys to try to help me. What's your opinion on this?

Kind Regards Christian

[Saarah]

@Christian he sounds like a very controlling person, if anyone is ever controlling that to me signifies instantly that I must run a mile! 

He gets angry because you do not obey him, this is due to his expectations, the fact that he has all these expectations of you, and when you don't obey them he gets mad, it shows how he is in need of things from you to fulfil him, he does not love you if he does not let you be, again this is why I cant stick around controlling people, they will try to fit you in a box due to their own selfish reasons, meaning the relationship is about them, and not the two of you 

the worst thing is if he blames you for his anger, because it's his own expectations that are making him angry, you can't control external circumstances to fit your own values etc. 

Of course he is most likely unaware of this, before you leave him it'd help him a lot if you told him about how his expectations are making him unhappy and angry, and that he must work on it, but that you don't need to hang around someone who is in that state 

[charlie2dogs]

you said:   I want to leave him because I can not stand being in a relationship where I am constantly judged and expected to do things and when I say  "No" the person (he) gets mad. Also because he does not bring a lot of joy and has no compelling life purpose.

there is your answer in your own text, leave him and get on with your life, you will know better next time, hopefully.

[Natasha]

@Christian Leave this disfunctional toxic relationship. Sounds like your 'friend' has mental/ emotional problems and is using you as 'punching bag' of his neuroses. All you are to him is a source of his narcissistic supply. Real friends don't do things that he does to you. The only way to make an emotional vampire stop sucking blood-life out of you is to cut off the supply. Which means you got to leave and have no contact with him, if you want to save your sanity.  

Edited May 6, 2016 by Natasha

[Elton]

@Christian cut him out of your life. Simple but not that easy but do give it a try

 

[Christian]

@Natasha I see this person each day. We live on a school and we are roommates. Therefore, the first step for me is to move out which I will be doing. But then I am know that he will still come to see me every single day (when I have moved out)  because he has  no friends but me and a few others at this stage. And if I have to cut him off I am going to have to tell him that I have to leave him. And that is very difficult for me even though I am certain that it is right for me to do. What can I do that will give me the courage/strength to make myself tell him that I have to leave him?

Your advice would be appreciated  

 

 

[Natasha]

@Christian Tell him the truth about how you feel about the whole situation. Leo has a good video 'How You Lie' where he talks about how to be assertive in dealing with tough situations (in 3 steps). Here's the link:

http://www.actualized.org/articles/how-you-lie

Also, his vid 'Avoiding Dysfunctional Relationships' is a good one to watch:

http://www.actualized.org/articles/avoiding-dysfunctional-and-abusive-relationships