Erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation?

[Uncover]

Hi, 

Yesterday it was my girlfriend's birthday, she turned 24. We have 10 months since we're together. I am 23 years old and she is my first girlfriend. 
We don't have sex so often. Once a week or not even. I've never had sex without a condom, I'm not familiar with the sensation. But i'm craving it. She said that we will, after she takes birth control pills. She fears pregnancy. She wanted to have sex. I drank a ~300 ml beer can before (I don't know if it had anything to do with my problem, but maybe?). We always had sex in the dark, that's how she likes it, only in the dark. So, we started kissing and touching, I started playing with her butt and so on, like 2 mins. I thought that I'm ready to put the condom on. We stopped, and put the condom. In the meantime the penis got softer. It wasn't hard enough to begin with. It's never hard enough. So she wanted from behind, I tried hard but I couldn't get it in, it was too soft. So she went on top of me and eventually got it in and in 5 seconds, not more, I ejaculated. Every time she gets on top I ejaculate when she puts it in. And it's with condom, imagine without..

There were times, of course, when I lasted let's say, 10 mins but not more. That was when I fucked her from behind, and took my time, really slow and focused. When she said "faster", I ejaculated. My penis is small, ~13 cm erect. 
It's so frustrating. She asked me if we can go again. I couldn't.. She went to sleep disappointed. Now we didn't talk since that happened. She was patient with me, but I couldn't solve my problem. We broke up before because of this. We have another problem too, and I don't know if we're gonna get over it this time.. But this adds to it. If only the sex was good, it would have been better. I don't know why I'm posting it, I don't know when I'm going to have sex again. I don't know if we'll still be together. 
Anyway, just in case, can I ever solve my sexual problem? What should I do? 
Any advice is great!

Gratefully,

Uncover

[Lubomir]

Well, there's few things...
Why she always want sex in complete dark? Is she ashamed of her body? - That could be one thing, why u can't have good erection > U can't see her, her reactions (and this is really important), or you can even feel that this sex inst stimulating for you (it can't be spontanous, because you always need to turnf off the lights..)
Also... sex without condom is so freaking awesome, but ofcourse, dangerous...
And 13 centimiters isnt really small i guess, idk

I experienced something (but it's far behind this) like that once with my current gf. We fucked, I ejaculated after like 20-30mins, went into bathroom, clean yourself up, take a piss and went back to her for another round. Ususally I can, but this one time, my penis was just soft - so I know how it feels. But ofcourse don't experienced that again... guess it can happen sometimes. Do you have problems with erection when watching porn?

[Forestluv]

Drinking alcohol and performance anxiety can reduce firmness. Ironically, performance anxiety can also stimulate pre-mature ejaculation. “Oh my gosh, I don’t want to come. . . not yet, not yet I need to last. . . dang it. . .).

You could try not drinking and working to reduce performance anxiety. Also, excessive porn can also be an issue for some men. 

Regarding performance anxiety. . . I would first take some emphasis on intercourse. It sounds like you’ve put all the emphasis on intercourse. This is only one aspect of sexuality. I would bet that the gal wasn’t just disappointed in the sex act, but rather the overall sexual experience. The chemistry and vibe not there. Something’s that are missing. 

You mentioned that you feel down because she was disappointed. That is a great trait you can use to your advantage. There are many guys that are so focused on their own pleasure that they just don’t care much about her pleasure. If she has pleasure, that just fuels their own ego. There are a lot of women that really appreciates a guy that genuinely cares about her pleasure and satisfaction. Guys that put her pleasure at the same level (or higher) than their own pleasure. 

I would consider putting some focus and skill-building into other areas. If you are a “giver” sexually, this will come naturally to you, you will enjoy it. There are aspects of connection (emotional and physical) and foreplay you can get really good at. Also, get good at using your fingers and mouth. You can become an expert in this area and send women into another dimension. Imagine you are learning to play a musical instrument - like a guitar. Develop magical fingers and mouth. Some woman love oral sex and you can learn to do it better than any guy she’s had. You can learn how to do it as good as a woman. It’s part technique, yet part vibe. That you totally love it, she knows you love it and she can completely relax. 

If there is a sense of connection and passion (both emotional and physical), you use your hands, toys and mouth skillfully, she orgasms first and you lay together intimately after sex - the actual intercourse is de-emphasized. Some women may just be interested in the intercourse, yet many women are more into the overall sexual experience. And if you get these other components down, it will take pressure off the intercourse - there won’t be nearly as much emphasis, worry and anxiety about it. Asa result, intercourse performance is likely to increase and be more mutually satisfying - especially when it is in the context of an overall pleasurable/connected sexual experience. 

You might also try ED pills. That might fix things. Yet my sense is, there is more going on and I would look at things more holistically.

13cm is a bit below average, yet not below the range for most women. If she is looking for a one-night stand, size may be a bigger issue. Yet for most women wanting relationships, you are fine because there are so many other aspects to a relationship and meaningful sexuality than penis size. Some women aren’t even that into intercourse and penis size. Some women don’t even like penises! As well, if you get skilled with your fingers and mouth you will elevate your sexual performance more than you can imagine. Most guys are unskilled with their fingers and mouth, because they are so focused on satisfying their penis. 

[Aeris]

22 minutes ago, Serotoninluv said:

Drinking alcohol and performance anxiety can reduce firmness. Ironically, performance anxiety can also stimulate pre-mature ejaculation. “Oh my gosh, I don’t want to come. . . not yet, not yet I need to last. . . dang it. . .).

You could try not drinking and working to reduce performance anxiety. Also, excessive porn can also be an issue for some men. 

Regarding performance anxiety. . . I would first take some emphasis on intercourse. It sounds like you’ve put all the emphasis on intercourse. This is only one aspect of sexuality. I would bet that the gal wasn’t just disappointed in the sex act, but rather the overall sexual experience. The chemistry and vibe not there. Something’s that are missing. 

You mentioned that you feel down because she was disappointed. That is a great trait you can use to your advantage. There are many guys that are so focused on their own pleasure that they just don’t care much about her pleasure. If she has pleasure, that just fuels their own ego. There are a lot of women that really appreciates a guy that genuinely cares about her pleasure and satisfaction. Guys that put her pleasure at the same level (or higher) than their own pleasure. 

I would consider putting some focus and skill-building into other areas. If you are a “giver” sexually, this will come naturally to you, you will enjoy it. There are aspects of connection (emotional and physical) and foreplay you can get really good at. Also, get good at using your fingers and mouth. You can become an expert in this area and send women into another dimension. Imagine you are learning to play a musical instrument - like a guitar. Develop magical fingers and mouth. Some woman love oral sex and you can learn to do it better than any guy she’s had. You can learn how to do it as good as a woman. It’s part technique, yet part vibe. That you totally love it, she knows you love it and she can completely relax. 

If there is a sense of connection and passion (both emotional and physical), you use your hands, toys and mouth skillfully, she orgasms first and you lay together intimately after sex - the actual intercourse is de-emphasized. Some women may just be interested in the intercourse, yet many women are more into the overall sexual experience. And if you get these other components down, it will take pressure off the intercourse - there won’t be nearly as much emphasis, worry and anxiety about it. Asa result, intercourse performance is likely to increase and be more mutually satisfying - especially when it is in the context of an overall pleasurable/connected sexual experience. 

You might also try ED pills. That might fix things. Yet my sense is, there is more going on and I would look at things more holistically.

13cm is a bit below average, yet not below the range for most women. If she is looking for a one-night stand, size may be a bigger issue. Yet for most women wanting relationships, you are fine because there are so many other aspects to a relationship and meaningful sexuality than penis size. Some women aren’t even that into intercourse and penis size. Some women don’t even like penises! As well, if you get skilled with your fingers and mouth you will elevate your sexual performance more than you can imagine. Most guys are unskilled with their fingers and mouth, because they are so focused on satisfying their penis. 

Genuine advice.

On the other side op. You clearly lack confidence and beingness. 

From the abandon of the toxic desire for sex ( a place of lack in the mind ) when I read you sayin : 'when I m gonna have sex again.'

It's clearly : fear and fear of lack. Dysfunctional pattern.

Work on this. You don't need sex. 'good' Sex Come from a place of 'no lack' even if you don't do sex. It's a paradox kind of. 

I got full confidence in me when I was virgin. ( At 25y ) I accepted dying without sex.

I have too much sex now and the overall expérience of my relation and sex improve just like learning music. Sometimes plateau. Sometimes peak. Sometimes just nice.

Work on this aspect of loving yourself first.

Edited August 12, 2019 by Aeris

[Uncover]

@Lubomir No, she's not ashamed of her body, she's really sexy (for me). She just likes it at night, in the dark. She says that that's when she feels most comfortable. No, I don't have problems with erection when watching porn. It gets up pretty fast. She kinda surprised me, I didn't expect her to ask me to have sex. I wasn't really ready. I wasn't in the mood. We had some arguments before, we were both sad. Now we aren't talking. 

[universe]

Next time after you came just cuddle a bit, use your hands or mouth to maker her feel good. After a while you might be able to get it up again

Depending on your mood Id expect something between 5 and 60 minutes.

[Meetjoeblack]

On 12/08/2019 at 4:14 PM, Lubomir said:

Well, there's few things...
Why she always want sex in complete dark? Is she ashamed of her body? - That could be one thing, why u can't have good erection > U can't see her, her reactions (and this is really important), or you can even feel that this sex inst stimulating for you (it can't be spontanous, because you always need to turnf off the lights..)
Also... sex without condom is so freaking awesome, but ofcourse, dangerous...
And 13 centimiters isnt really small i guess, idk

I experienced something (but it's far behind this) like that once with my current gf. We fucked, I ejaculated after like 20-30mins, went into bathroom, clean yourself up, take a piss and went back to her for another round. Ususally I can, but this one time, my penis was just soft - so I know how it feels. But ofcourse don't experienced that again... guess it can happen sometimes. Do you have problems with erection when watching porn?

The lights off part seems weird. No condom seems to be a accidentally on purpose pregnancy awaiting. The marathon sex is stupid. I try to bust assp and evacuate but it is not a gf. 

[Shiva99]

Do you watch porn?

[Uncover]

@Shiva99  A lot.

[Chew211]

@Uncover

Look up porn induced erectile dysfunction (PIED).

Check out videos by Noah BE Church on YouTube. 

I had the same problem as you, but now I'm recovering, and getting better every time I have sex. 

You're going to have to cut porn and porn substitutes out of your life. You'll also have to go without masturbation until you're able to have satisfactory sex.

Also, it does seem that you're not spending enough time with foreplay. Focus on all the other stuff except insertion. 

You want to build up your "ability" to be turned on by a human partner. 

[Uncover]

@Chew211

C.C. @Shiva99  @Meetjoeblack @GeorgeSpikes @universe @Aeris @Serotoninluv @Lubomir

So all this is because I watch(ed) a lot of porn.. Now I can see. 

Good advice, but now I have no sexual partner, she's gone. And I got deeper into watching porn and masturbating after the break-up. I watch porn daily, it's so easy, everyday with my phone in my hand and now isolated also, alone. Only a couple books and 4 screens, I choose the screens of course (gaming, anime, movies, music, work from home-junior accountant). Always in front of screens to the point that my eyes and head hurt. I'm a freaking dopamine addict. Can I ever ease a bit this neurotic behavior? 

I witness the negative effects porn and masturbation has on me and I want to stop. Actually, I don't want (I'm addicted), I intend to stop. I wonder how my life will look like without this negative behavior. I guess frequent porn and masturbation has also something to do with my shyness, lack of confidence and most of all, anxiety problem, which is so damaging for me.

I failed the driving test 4 times because of anxiety. The 5th time I took a calming pill and passed with 3 penalty points. I also have social anxiety, I can't even watch people in the eyes most of the times. I guess it's also because of frequent porn and masturbation. Because I noticed that I can interact more easy and keep my composure around people when I haven't watched porn or masturbated in 3-4 days (yes, that happens-miracle). And now the anxiety with Covid-19, even though I'm healthy and isolated (for now).

My question to you, are there some practical steps to take in order to limit the consumption of porn and masturbation? Because it's obvious that I can't just stop. Are there some ways to block porn on my laptop without resorting to paid apps? On my phone I can do that but it won't work on my laptop (it's about using DNS).

Your answer will be much appreciated. 

Peace,

Uncover

 

 

[Uncover]

@Lubomir

No, I never have problems with erection when watching porn, it gets up so fast. There might have been many reasons why I couldn't get an erection while I was with her. One o them being that I'm overstimulating my brain with porn and I guess I am no able to find the real thing as exciting as porn. 

Plus, maybe I didn't have the mood for sex. There were often tensions between us, we were often arguing. 

[LucasBr]

If you have premature ejaculation you'll soon have erectile dysfunction. Most girls don't really care as long as it only happens once in a while. If it keeps on occurring, they break up. When they are in love they stick around, but it lower their self-esteem by a huge margin and the rest of your relationship will suffer.

The real question is, why did you get premature ejaculation in the first place ?

The answer that apply for 99.99% of men worldwide : excessive masturbation, to porn in particular.

Stop masturbation. Not because of moral issues, but it's common sense. Nothing in our body can work 100% all the time. When you over-train, your muscles get weaker and weaker. Give them an appropriate amount of rest and they go back to 100%.

Same for sex. If you're oversexed your performances get weaker and weaker...

[hamedsf]

don't worry! that can happen to the best of us 

your explanation was so similar to my situation, haha.

a few days before my GF and I met eachother and start to have intimacy, I watched porn a lot in order to decrease my sexual energy to last longer together (so wrong move from me!) but not only it caused me to not to be able to gain proper erections when needed but it also led me to faster ejaculation! and even I couldn't prove "US" that there's something external to my problem but gradually she lost hope on me and doubted on my abilities and we broke up, but after lots of analyzing and observing I realized something was causing that huge problem: PORN! that's the beauty of masturbating to porn! see?  hahahaha

porn makes your mind lazy in having sex and numb to the real women! kinda you want all the things happen spontaneously and automatically just when you were masturbating to porn, you only did watch and got the pleasure and orgasm! no extra movements, not burning energy, right?! that program/hardwire in your brain steps in the moment of your sexual intercourse and ruins everything mercilessly! LOL 

now at this time of writing, I'm in sexual reboot period, if you want to know about that, that's also whole new ball of game!!

 

Edited April 3, 2020 by hamedsf

[hamedsf]

even blaming it all on porn isn't a good thing in all events, sometimes having the stress and fear of something from sex can ruin everything! like you just have a little petite fear towards making her pregnant! I wish you a good luck in that sex! because sex can magnify every feeling by 100% percent. your fear is also augmented and you can't focus on present moment and perform in a great way.

but I don't say that porn is not a thing, because I can't stress it enough that it's the main problem of modern men who lives with high speed internet and have access to unlimited virtual women!

Edited April 3, 2020 by hamedsf

[Nahm]

@Uncover

A different perspective admittedly, but take sex & an other out of the mix, and reassess the situation. Start foundational. How’s your sleep, diet, fitness / daily exercise, internalizing / stress level, and how’s the passion & empowerment of creating the life you most desire going? Imo, that’s what behind the symptoms. Bring your entire life...to life. Reconnect with the dreamer & creator in you. 

[Crystalous]

On 12/8/2019 at 9:21 PM, Uncover said:

Hi, 

Yesterday it was my girlfriend's birthday, she turned 24. We have 10 months since we're together. I am 23 years old and she is my first girlfriend. 
We don't have sex so often. Once a week or not even. I've never had sex without a condom, I'm not familiar with the sensation. But i'm craving it. She said that we will, after she takes birth control pills. She fears pregnancy. She wanted to have sex. I drank a ~300 ml beer can before (I don't know if it had anything to do with my problem, but maybe?). We always had sex in the dark, that's how she likes it, only in the dark. So, we started kissing and touching, I started playing with her butt and so on, like 2 mins. I thought that I'm ready to put the condom on. We stopped, and put the condom. In the meantime the penis got softer. It wasn't hard enough to begin with. It's never hard enough. So she wanted from behind, I tried hard but I couldn't get it in, it was too soft. So she went on top of me and eventually got it in and in 5 seconds, not more, I ejaculated. Every time she gets on top I ejaculate when she puts it in. And it's with condom, imagine without..

There were times, of course, when I lasted let's say, 10 mins but not more. That was when I fucked her from behind, and took my time, really slow and focused. When she said "faster", I ejaculated. My penis is small, ~13 cm erect. 
It's so frustrating. She asked me if we can go again. I couldn't.. She went to sleep disappointed. Now we didn't talk since that happened. She was patient with me, but I couldn't solve my problem. We broke up before because of this. We have another problem too, and I don't know if we're gonna get over it this time.. But this adds to it. If only the sex was good, it would have been better. I don't know why I'm posting it, I don't know when I'm going to have sex again. I don't know if we'll still be together. 
Anyway, just in case, can I ever solve my sexual problem? What should I do? 
Any advice is great!

Gratefully,

Uncover

don't feel bad when you turn soft.This happens only because you loose touch with the act.Once you start stressing you loose the contact with the act and you are getting soft.If you want to solve all your problems you have to calm your mind.It looks like there are a lot of problems....first off you have to have sex seing each other 10 months is too much time for not having sex with open lights.Also you have to try without condom.Nothing is going to happen i had sex my girlfriend without condom eveytime and nothing happened but keep in mind after ejaculation you have also to pee not only to clean yourself because sperm stays in your dick "tube".Anyway she has to understand that you are a man and you have some needs and some difficult times sometimes....if she can not understand this then there is a problem with communicating each other and thats a skill you have to built from time to time and from a relationship to another.Υοu have no sexual problem man the problem is your stress.You are a male don't think so much just act 

[Adodd]

Alcohol sometimes weakens my erections. Also being worried about sex while having sex is almost guaranteed to cause problems. The dark is fine but not so dark that you can't see her body which might help you get more excited and help with not getting hard enough. 

Something you didn't mention, porn. Are you watching porn and/or mastrubating a lot.