Relationship transcending into Polyamory? (one side)

[Lubomir]

A little background to us:

I'm 24/ She's 23
We are together (having sex, and share really deep intimacy) for 5 months now
We consider ourselfs as stage yellow persons
Both of us and I can tell it for sure, are in love with each other. It's the most pure thing I ever experienced (Like on Ayahuasca :))
And last important thing: We were friends before and I had a crush on her. But I was needy, not self-confident, not independent and so on. But I was working on it for 3 years and here we are... And I still do... that's why I'm here
We also don't see each other often. Sometimes for few days, sometimes for month.

So, my topic is about feelings she told me yesterday.
She told me, that she's having trouble with giving her body just to me. And that she wants to know, if I would be mad at her, if she experience a one night stand from time to time - just for fun. What's also worth to mention is her... """ex-boyfriend""". She were "with" him 2 years before I started being with her - they saw each other like 8-10 times per year. As soon as we started to having sex, she told me about him when we were together. Since then, she was with him only 1 time and without sex, because she *quote* "Couldn't do that to me".
She love him too and I was cool with it, because I knew that I'm The One for her right now. I told her that I want to meet him in person, but she told me that he don't know about us and that she won't told him, because he wouldn't be able to take it. She also told me, that she was sure, that he's the one - even at our "start" she told me, that one day, we will end this and she will move to him.
Since then a lot things changed... we are having the most amazing sex on this planet and do share everything. We are as open as we can be to each other right now
She gave me so much and She also receiving so much from me. We do love it.

So what is my problem then?
The problem is, that I'm not sure with this (and yea, I already told it to her). The reason isn't one night stands, but I feel kinda insecure with this. Let's say, that I'm not that kind of a guy who have a lot of experiences with short, quick flirting and getting girls for one night. I didn't have a single women like that (in terms of sex).
Partly because of my "high demands" (like inteligence) and also because I just don't have a lot of chances for that - I do not look for them.
But she? Meeen, she's flirting with like everyone :D, she's having fun and I get it. She is really open to conversations with random people, so, she's getting suggestions from men like all the time. She isnt that type of girl who will sleep with everyone, definitely not. But sometimes, it'sthe consequences... like last time, she told me about a guy from boat when she was sunbathing completely naked and he came, completely naked to, making suggestions... and for one moment she really wanted it. (she told me)
When I last time saw her personaly, we had amazing, long sex and during it she told me that she wants to be only mine, that she won't be able to have sex with other guys, because I'm The One and that she wants to have kids with me, etc etc.... 

So that is why I'm so unsure about this. At one hand it's my personal problems from the past (low self-confidence) at which i still working on, so I feel a small feeling of a chance to lost her with another men. And at the other hand it's her constantly switching from one position to another, not knowing what she actually wants. But that's just womens? Right?

She's coming in few days to me and we said that we will discuss it in person ofcourse. But in text messages we ended at "Yes, let's not limit our physical experiences just to ourselfs".

So... I'm thinking, is it bad for me to let her do her things, let her to be free, but keep my sexual life as I did till now?
It feels to me right, to accept her feelings and let her to have not only one night stands, but maybe even "regular" relationships? She told me, that this thing is not about me and that she just want me to know it, it's not like she's asking me for permission, she needs it, she said... But I kinda feel it's "my thing" too.

Your opinions?
Thank you...

 

[universe]

5 hours ago, Lubomir said:

so I feel a small feeling of a chance to lost her with another men.

And then what?

I mean everywhere else people would tell you to not allow it. You came to this place and ask this question. The thing is, you dont need her. You are already complete how you are. Whatever you do, its right. You cant do wrong! And love is not something limited happening between two people, its everywhere.

My advice, go ahead and allow it. Let her try it. And maybe try for yourself. You are taken now, so that means dating will be a lot easier

Be open to each other and share your feelings and insecurities (like the one I quoted). Release them and talk about them together and maybe it will be a great way to deepen your relationship.

Of course be careful of things like STDs and do paternity testing if you have to.

[Gili Trawangan]

I see a world of hurt coming your way. Also, I sincerely hope I'm wrong. 

[Lubomir]

@universe Yes. Exactly. Sometimes it's good to hear that again. Sometimes I forget that

And yes I'll try it, I'm not saying that from now I'm gonna flirt with every other girl and try to get her, that would be my Ego. But I'm gonna be open to it. It will be something new for me as I mentioned.

@Gili Trawangan It was there. I was the most hurted person few years later. For example, I was thinking about suicide at my 15y.

Since then a lot changed, but there's still something like "voices" hiden deep deep in my consciousness. And these voices/programs of thinking, are hard to destroy/overwrite. But I'm working on it, slowly...

 

Since I post my topic I went into deep thinking about it and come out with exactly what you both guys said. I told her that. I also told her, that I thing, that everything will be clear when she tell me about this experience with "the first one", especially withthat guy that she love too. That in my opinion will be the only way for me to overwrite these old programs of thinking...

 

Thanks guys!
Really, mainly for being honest

Edited August 13, 2019 by Lubomir

[Forestluv]

I was in a similar situation and couldn’t re-orient. I learned a lot about myself, yet it was a bumpy emotional ride - a roller coaster at times. If I entered a dating scenario with an agreement to be open, I’d have a good chance of orienting myself. Yet if I’m in a monogamous relationship for months, we develop connection and bonding, and I’m really into her and us - I can’t re-orient. Once that is established, I can’t just shift gears and say “OK, let’s have sex with other people now”. I just can’t do it - especially since it would be likely that she was the only one sleeping with other people. It would completely change the dynamics we had. Some people might see that as a good thing, but not for me - if I felt love and connection with her. I could prolly do it If we were more like sexual play toys with each other or if we start off with an agreement of poly. Yet once I develop a loving monogamous connection, I can’t shift. . . I wish you the best on your endeavor. 

[Lubomir]

@Serotoninluv Thank you for your inside! I was hoping for ideas from "the other side". So I can have different points of view 

But isn't that the main thing? To be somehow scared of changes? 
I mean, change is like the key in the Universe for me... And I did change myself big time (And I love it).

So I'm thinking... even that it may change our dynamics (and I really do love our relationship right now > her), it doesnt mean it will change for "worse". Maybe it will be even more awesome then now.
Yes, there's that thing you mentioned as:

16 minutes ago, Serotoninluv said:

I just can’t do it - especially since it would be likely that she was the only one sleeping with other people

And yes, this thing would be 100% true for me right now. Because I just don't feel that need. It's not that I can't get a women, I just don't really need that when I have it with my loved one right now. Maybe I would feel it, but it would be the case of a women approaching me, which let's be honest, in our society is almost unthinkable...
So that's another wound from my past, feeling of being "subordinate". And in this case it would (I guess) manifest itself in her sleeping with 5-6 different guys per year and me with 0 women, only her. 

BUT, I still strongly believe right now, that this would be only material for me to grow more.

Thank you for support

[Pav]

Sounds like an emotional train wreck, to put it bluntly. Sorry but nothing about what you said sounds like a healthy relationship. Very needy and codependent. 

You deserve better than this, but you have a lot of work to do to develop yourself as a man.

A poly relationship can work if both partners mutually agree and are both at the very least capable of sleeping with other people. 

Continue to dig up and release your trauma energy. This is very important. 

In addition, learn how to meet and attract women so that you can interact and come together with women in a positive way. At the moment you are not capable spreading real love in your intimate relationships, your neediness and insecurities cut you off from that potential and you aren't well developed in your masculine essence so you don't have anything to offer women sexually or romantically. You cannot love from a place of scarcity, you must cultivate an abundance in order to enable you to share your gifts.

The good news is that this is all very much fixable, we've all had low points of our lives,  but you have to be willing to heed the call and put in the necessary work. Most people choose to regress in to comfort and turn their backs on growth, I can guarantee you this is a mistake.

[Key Elements]

Question: how do you define what are your healthy boundaries? This question, I noticed, is not often discussed. Are you able to let go of her in peace if she doesn't respect your boundaries? Does she have any healthy boundaries, or does she just want to try out different guys sometimes?

_____

Did you know, first and foremost, you can only have a relationship with yourself? That is the number one truth. Does she understand this? If she does, then what is the need of other guys? Of course, you can't go and force a person to change and make them understand.

[Lubomir]

@Pav @Keyhole I thought about these things too...
MAYBE she's just "using" me, pushing me and my personality into the shape that she wants.

But if she does, then it's unconscious. I do want to discuss it with her, because I know that she love me. Ofcourse that my mind is inclined to defend her (by this), since I love her, but I still think it's not her intention at all. -> It's the little things that she does for me and the opennes of her to me. Also, I don't know any person who would have the intentions to lie on psychedelics and we did few together.

What I do believe is, that this isnt really coming from her heart. That she's scared to lose her freedom somehow and she's got tendentions to be destructive (when she's in stress, she eat a lot and then feel bad about it), so I can see that in this too. 
Just now, right know I think, that she might be saying this, because I introduced myself to her parents and she was dissapointed that we didnt find more topics to talk. But that's ofcourse her problem, not mine. And I can see link between those...

 

@Key Elements That is exactly what I want to tell her. I want to go deep in her feelings about this, it's gonna be super important to discuss. Because I would not do this just because she is somehow addicted to have sex with more guys. If it's just her mechanism to keep yourself up and happy with yourself. This I need to tell her

I don't want to be drained, both emotionaly and materialisticly. The second one is not happening at all, so, let's check out first one

Thanks all of you for these thoughts!
And ofcourse continue with them, I would loveto hear more of your opinions. 
 

[flowboy]

I'm on the "You're entering a world of pain" team.

The girl you describe is manipulative (consciously/subconsciously doesn't matter for the end result) and independable.

 

My experience is: two open/poly relationships, both of which lasted a year. So I do know what I'm talking about.

And what I've learned is: you only want to attempt this with extremely emotionally mature people with high intelligence and self-control. Not the loose cannon you're describing.

And she will never get there. Don't even think you can coach her to be better. Because you're not ready yourself either.

How do I know that?

Because this was her idea, you don't feel good about it, and yet you don't have the balls to say no. Or admit to yourself that it's not what you want, even. For fear of losing her.

Which means that you're not standing in your power as a man. Which partly explains why she asks to sleep with other men.

I'm not trying to put you down, really, I'm going through similar stuff. Quite recently I gave my ex a foot massage instead of kicking her out of the house for not respecting my boundaries. I too have work to do.

This was originally a message about the Vietnam War:

It also applies today, though

 

Good luck, man.

[Lubomir]

@flowboy Your message is just awesome.

I know exactly what I'm going to do right now. Will let you guys know...

Thank you

[bejapuskas]

@Lubomir  Dude it sounds like you are hiding something, like you always laugh, say that you are happy for more POVs, but then you start to argue and stuff, I might be wrong, but it stinks to me at least. Are you really being honest with us about what you want?

[Shadowraix]

@Jed Vassallo has made beautiful posts on the scenarios that polyamory can work but this sounds like polyamory out of dysfunction. I think because you are asking here then this path may not completely align with you and is not a crossroad to pursue at least at this very moment. The slightest insecurity in polyamory can expand and grow beyond comprehension over time. 

[Lubomir]

We break-up

 

The reason for it is that she's too dominant. Like extremely dominant. I didn't see that before, now I do. We both do.

Because of her unhealthy dominance she slowly put my self-confidence into trash bin. That made her to not see me as a man that she want and I started to suffer under her pressure. She destroyed every single relationship that she had by this...
So, now we are on our personal paths. I need to change some shit (move away from my mother etc.) and she needs to stop running from her past and deal with various evil things she did. She's full of fear, she's scared of her past, of future, of death.  That's also the reason why she's so dominant.

We spend wonderful night talking about this. So manny tears, so manny smiles, so manny pure emotions.
(we took MDMA for that night)

If she do what she need to do, then we can get back together. Now it's disfunctional. Only thing that is functional is our sexual life, here I'm dominant and she have no power, but when we get out of this state, she's scared of life -> Dominant, manipulative, selfish... and she can't control it... not yet.

It's 2 days now, she send me voice message where she's reading from her diary. It's about all the things that she need to fix, close, face it. She's grateful for me and I'm grateful for her.

Maybe... maybe some day in the future... but maybe not.

Let's start new episode of my life and seek for someone else

 

Thanks,

 

[bejapuskas]

@Lubomir  Sounds good as long as you both are willing to learn from your mistakes  I don't know about going back together, I don't have a personal experience with that, but I know many people don't recommend it.

[Lubomir]

@bejapuskas Yes, exactly
And about going back together. I'm not saying it will hapen and yes I do know that most people don't recommend it. But I believe that we are not like most people... haha - I know that.



 

[ajasatya]

@Lubomir Grow greater than an intimate relationship. You're more than your sexual urges.

[Odysseus]

Blaming her for being too dominant sounds not right to me. You started this relationship, as far as I read,  without ANY boundaries. You accepted anything just to get her. You're at least as much responsible for the dynamics in your relationships as the other person is. Start establishing boundaries, then a healthier relationship will be around the corner. 

[Lubomir]

@Odysseus I'm not blaming her. It's 50/50. In my last post I'm just talking about her more, because I feel like I talked about my problems enough. I do have boundaries, but not strong enough for her, I didn't have problems with it's strength in other relationships. Now I need to rebuild them, make a new ones and don't abandon them like I did.

@ajasatya Thanks!

 

[bejapuskas]

@Lubomir  Literally every person who is crazy in love feels special