Traumatic experience caused fetish

[JonasVE12]

On 22-8-2019 at 3:14 AM, Phoenixx said:

Could you specify what was the trauma that triggered this fetish? Have you ever been aroused from normal sex?

I think it's caused by feelings of not being able to take on the masculine heterosexual role as a kid and therefore associating feminity with sexual arousal. Got placed in a lot of situations where I could not handle the pressure and that caused me to have low self-esteem, a lot of anxiety related issues. Toilet-anxiety, blushing phobia, insecurities, social anxiety, body dysmorphic disorder, compulsive behaviour. These things alienated me from 'normal' masculinity. Combined with the heterosexual role that I felt I could not take on, meaning that I was scared of girls. Extreme anxiety. and therefore didnt feel like I was worthy of taking on a heterosexual role.

These 2 things often lead to homosexuality. The reason I did not turn homosexual is because I did not get the opportunity of development leading to homosexuality. So when the period ended where you establish your sexual identity, I was left with a heterosexual identity and ideal, but no opportunity.

I think this caused me to associate feminine submissive behaviour with sexual arousal. Integration of a feminine fantasy into myself, because I felt like I was not good enough to get a girlfriend. The feminity in myself doesn't judge, shame, or gives me negative emotions.

This fetish also caused some homosexual fantasies. But I am only romantically attracted to females. Also never would get turned on by a male in real life. After masturbating with these kind of thoughts, I intuively feel that my fetish caused my brain to want to get more and more into this role of feminity and want more stimulation so turned to these kind of thoughts. I only look at girls tho, I feel romantically drawn to females only.

My sexual idenity still corresponds to the identity of when I was a child. As I'm now not an unconscious ignorant little kid about everything, I grew into my masculinity a lot more, and am more secure of myself. I didn't heal fully tho. I am trying. I am meeting people and doing activities to boost my social skills and have made a lot of progress. Also with meeting women. But now I'm facing this issue of not being able to enjoy the fruits of that. Because I lacked so much in this area in childhood, I was really hungry for this, and was obsessed about this goal. Coming to realise that It's actually not that it's not as enjoyable as I thought it would be.

I have definitely been aroused of normal sex, yes, I get an erection without a problem. But I miss the feeling I get from masturbating with fetish fantasies.

That's the issue, I want to be able to be present when I'm having sex, and not be in my head fantasizing about other things. After the sex, I reflect back on my behaviour and I realise that that's kind of problematic.

This is my action-plan:

- stopping porn, thoughts, fantasies, activities that activate corresponding neural pathways

- Emotional releasing

- strenghten neural pathways corresponding with normal sexual behaviour. Trying to climax and enjoy sex in the present moment as suggested here

- Electrical shock aversion therapy: Associate fetish with pain. Read some case studies and this method has good results. 

I hope normal sexual interests will automatically come, because I'll still need a sexual outlet, so I expect it to turn to normal heterosexual relationships with an actual female. I won't turn asexual I hope lol. 

Edited September 4, 2019 by JonasVE12