Trip report: 3.5g Psilocybe Cubensis - Chasing illusions

[TheAlchemist]

So I finally got a hold of some shrooms and I met up with my friend to get ready to take them. I had taken an over 3 year break from psychedelics, because I was really not ready for them when I was 18 years old and first experimenting with them on my own. For the past year I have felt that I am ready to dive into those waters again, and today it was going to happen. Anyways, we decided to head to the forest and we took a tent and hammocks with us and headed out. 

We set up camp and I ingested 3.5 grams of Psilocybe Cubensis and got ready. It was only about 20-30 minutes when I started to feel the effects starting. I was very surprised how quick they were hitting me. I was laying in the tent with a blindfold on, and I had a playlist playing on my headphones that has been made for those MAPS psychedelic studies.

It's very difficult to describe but I felt it coming in waves. I started seeing colors and mandala like geometric patterns. The colors were very intense. I remember seeing this infinite blueness that was part of the mandala like figure. At around 45-60 minutes I was transported to different worlds that were very mysterious. I remember this environment where there were two opposing doors in some kind of massive structure. There was a bridge between the doors that was something like a kilometer long. I kept letting go in my mind and I was transported into a whole new level of light and amazement. I kept "telling" the mushroom that I want to go deep and I want to see what I need to do with my life. Eventually it did, but maybe not in the way I was expecting. It kind of ridiculed me and laughed at me and showed me there is nothing to do. None of it matters. Everything just exists for the sake of experience. It doesn't even matter. Who cares. It's just expression. Everything is just expression. Life is like art, it's just another mode of expressing and experiencing. There's nothing to do. It doesn't really matter what you do at all but the best you can do is share moments with people. Try to understand and listen to people. That's the only thing that matters in the end. Spreading love in your own way. 
I felt like I was looking for answers when there are no answers to be externally found anywhere. Nothing outside of me holds any important information. All the important information is already inside me. You don't need to keep looking anywhere. Just let go and things inside you will start shining through. 

What matters is connecting with people. Understanding people.

I was also questioning "who am I". I wasn't intentionally asking that question but it just kept coming up. I found no answers, only illusions. At some points my body parts were disappearing, I was feeling like I was detaching from my body and felt like I had multiple hands going everywhere.

I remember seeing these portal like tunnels that went onto infinity. I tried to dive into them but I couldn't. Sometimes I could but they just showed me another layer of the infinity tunnels.

At one point I went out of the tent to take a piss. It was raining outside and the cold rain was hitting me. I took a piss and then I looked at the ground. I saw something moving in between the moss and I started looking for it. After some looking around I saw that it was a frog. It was the smallest frog I have seen in my life, about 2cm (under 1 inch) long. I took it in my hands and felt an odd connection to the frog. It was in the palm of my hand and it was jumping towards freedom. I realized that this is what were all doing. All living beings are doing the same thing. Trying to survive and get somewhere. Moving through time and space, exerting energy into the world to achieve a desired outcome. To get somewhere where they are not now.

The closed eye and open eye visuals were extremely strong. Even with my eyes open it looked like everything was becoming a web. It was like every part of my visual field was split into small triangles and it started almost blending together. I saw eyes everywhere within the infinitely small triangles. I had difficulty staying upright sometimes because it was coming on so powerfully. At one point an airplane flew over us. It was extremely intense. It had a glow of all the colors of the rainbow and it left a trail of the glow behind it. It made this soaring massive sound that felt like it was ripping the sky open. 

After this I retreated back to the tent with my blindfold. I felt some new waves coming on. The mushroom doesn't give a fuck. It shows you and takes you where it wants to. Not where you want to go. So in this part of the trip I was taken into my relationships in life, especially with my family. I saw vivid memories of the good times spent with them and realized how temporary moments are. There are only those single moments that you always carry with you. But those moments can only ever be experienced once in a lifetime. 

I was still laying in the tent and I could hear cars driving in the distance. I wondered where they are going. They also are trying to go somewhere to achieve something that can change their current state of being. If they're going to work, they are trying to change their experience by gaining money and being able to use that money to feel the things they want. To feel better. Just like that frog. Moving through reality trying to survive by chasing something external that we hope will finally fulfill us.

I was also questioning "who am I". I wasn't intentionally asking that question but it just kept coming up. I found no answers, only illusions. At some points my body parts were disappearing, I was feeling like I was detaching from my body and felt like I had multiple hands going everywhere. 

Another insight: You can never escape the cycle of cause and effect. No matter what you do it has an effect in the future. In that sense, you can never truly "relax". Every single thing you do is affecting your future.

The trip started ending after about four hours, then it was just holding on in that weird space between tripping and normal reality for a few hours. That in between space is very uncomfortable for me for some reason. Anyways, it was an interesting experience and there is a lot to integrate here. This report is a bit all over the place but maybe you can get something useful out of it.

Post trip thoughts:
We choose to not live forever because death is what brings life its beauty. Death is what makes life worth living. It's what makes it beautiful. Without death it's impossible to appreciate the preciousness of life.

Feeling kind of sad/gloomy about the realizations I got under the mushroom. But I think this is at least an inch closer to the truth than my previously held (maybe too idealistic) views of the world. I think this will turn into a great experience in the long run even though it made me feel lost in the world in the short term. I'm feeling a bit nihilistic about life now but I think it will turn out to be a good thing in the long run. Then again it was only one trip and it was after a long break. I am interested to explore this space more now. 

[Leo Gura]

Good, it's a start.

I would not use a blindfold next time.

[abrakamowse]

Great insights, thanks for sharing @TheAlchemist