I don't understand why my parents say this to me.

[Ibn Sina]

#True story
So here's the thing. There is a beautiful girl (objectively).

We used to talk with each other, text each other. But we were not that close, we only used to text, but not really talk face to face often ( it's a long story).

In 2018 may, it was our semester practical exams. She sent me a one liner text asking for help about some medical slides. I helped her , and gave her 10 liner answer showing that I care her and love her. She sent message for 2 consecutive days.

The semester exam ended, 2 days after that I saw the messages and found that she had sent many messages. My huwaei mobile sent the notifications late.

I apologized to her for not replying to her.

She stopped replying.

I believed and accepted that she broke up with me.

Months past by, days past by, we didn't speak.

Then a few months back, when I was sitting alone in class she came and talked to me. I gave her a few worded answer.

Again few months past by.

And It happened few days ago. After college I went to a near hotel to eat, she was also there with her fat ugly friend.

We made our orders at the counter, and she went to one corner, and I went to the opposite far corner.

We had our meals, and as luck would have it , she and I went finished our meal and went to the counter exactly at the same time. Her fat ugly friend was in the middle and we were beside her.

And then it happened.

She said to me " How are you?"

She smiled, laughed , was very happy to see me.

We had a chat for 5 mins.

At the end I said to her "Stay happy" with a smile.

With a big smile, half laughing, looking down she said "Okay okay"

Later that day, with my mother, I told her she (her name) talked to me.

For unknown reason,  my mother , father and brother say, she talked to you only as a friend, she doesn't like you, she is only talking you as a friend.

I mean , why are they so negative? And more over, why should they immediately say that she doesn't like me, she only sees you as a friend not a lover, when all I said was- she talked to me? I know that guys tend to immediately think that the girl likes him if she talks to him, but I am not that type of guy.

But again, why be so negative? It could be anything isn't it? May be she talks to me as a friend or because she really likes me. I haven't asked to her do you only like me as a friend or as something more? Nothing has been confirmed, but my parents are immediately saying- she only likes you as a friend.

Again, it's so stupid and it makes me angry. Why if a girl talks to me , it's immediately about whether she likes you or not, but if a guy talks to me, then it's nothing. I think both should be treated the same way. Girl should also be seen and thought as any guy friend. There shouldn't be great fuss just because a girl and guy talk. And if a girl and guy talk, then until it is confirmed, there is both the possibility that it may be friendship or love until it is confirmed.

But my parents immediately develop negativity saying she doesn't like you. What if that girl thinks - Why doesn't this guy get the signs that I like him? Isn't it obvious by now? Why are guys so autistic?
Or may be she thinks- I will make him think I like him, but then later I will surprise him with a friend zone
Or she may be just liking me as a friend.

All I am saying is, until questions are asked and things are confirmed, my parents should not immediately say she doesn't like you, when it is she who is talking with me, and not the other way around.

Some may say my parents are just preventing me from getting  rejected and having false hope. The thing is, I have never told them that I like her. All that they know is that we talk, but I talk with my guy friends too, but my  parents already assume that I love her. The reality is that I don't like her that much, I have no hope of any relationship with her. I could give 30+ reasons that  makes it impossible to be with her. But when I say- she talked to me, they say she doesn't  like you, as if they think I want her and I already have hopes for her. 

Edited August 9, 2019 by Ibn Sina

[loub]

There is no problem here as I see it- you say you did not develop unreasonable hopes, so there is nothing to fear for you. As far as your family is concerned I'd recommend trying to find a perspective from which you can be thankful towards them, from which you see that they act that way because they care for you. It's pretty obvious that they seem to want to protect you from future harm even though you and I know there is no need for that.

Now, what I think is much more important is the way you reacted against all this. Clearly there is a lot of resistance within you to make you write such a lengthy text here and you should make sure that you use this as what it is- a huge opportunity for new insight into yourself.

Can you entertain the possibility that what you are reacting against so harshly actually has nothing to do with the occurrence it has been triggered by? My guess is it is about something that goes way back and way deep. Do you feel like your family disregards you? Underestimates you? Treats you like a child? Treats you badly? Laughs at you? Doesn't value you? Straight up dislikes you? Holds you back?... or whatever it is, find it out because it could be a huge impediment to your freedom and authenticity and overall joy.

Growing up is a difficult thing to do and few of us make it out unscathed.

Hope I was any helpful, don't stress yourself over it too much, best regards

 

[Ibn Sina]

41 minutes ago, loub said:

It's pretty obvious that they seem to want to protect you from future harm even though you and I know there is no need for that.

Now, what I think is much more important is the way you reacted against all this. Clearly there is a lot of resistance within you to make you write such a lengthy text here and you should make sure that you use this as what it is- a huge opportunity for new insight into yourself.

Okay they may be protecting me, but here's the thing. Apparently , her actions are that she is trying to talk with me with smile and happiness, so apparently she may be even liking me, there's a possibility. What I feel bad about is that, my parents have completely wiped out the possibility that she even likes me. And I think anyone would get angry. It's like saying- if people see me sing beautifully and cheer for me say woooo with happiness , and somebody says to me, they are not cheering for you they are booing you. And I have heard stories of girls where 2 girls sat together and they see a guy looking at the prettier girl and the uglier girl says look the guy is looking at me. Wouldn't that make the beautiful girl angry. This is what is happening here. So as you suggest I don't think there is a subtle baggage that is making me hate my family, but I think me being upset here is normal for any person. Besides, if that ugly girl says 'look that guy is looking at me' to the beautiful girl , then it is infuriating to the beautiful girl in 2 ways, first it is apparently false because her eyes see otherwise,  and second it decreases the girl's sense of worth, the ugly girl is trying to push the belief that she is not as attractive as she is, so again there is more negativity.  So do you see how this situation is infuriating to everyone if they get in this situation. 

So either my parents are stupid enough to think that by doing that they are protecting me which infact is makes me angry like the above 2 examples, and if they were protecting they could have said- if you like her then be careful with her, but rejecting the possibility that another person loves you is a depressing thing, because the input that another human being loves you is always a good,  healing thing,  the feeling of being loved is healing, and my parents can add with - okay but you might get hurt if you pursue her she might be a trap. But they are denying the possibility that she even loves me, which is a depressing thing. I mean that is always a depressing thing to say, replace that with- the dog doesn't love you, your brother doesn't love you, no one loves, your best friend doesn't love you. 'doesn't love' is always depressing', (when it comes to peope you really love, and neutral things like- dog, people in general with you are neutral, exception is people you really hate)  so I don't think it's abnormal that I am upset, I don't think I am reacting in an abnormal way, but me being  upset I think is normal.  Let's say my best guy friend did good things to me, and someone says, he doesn't love me, wouldn't be infuriating in the 2 ways I mentioned? 1. Apparent lie. Suggesting that the other  person is jealous or something 2. Decrease in sense of worth.

It applies with everything.

Edited August 9, 2019 by Ibn Sina

[loub]

Forget this talk about normal, we are not on this forum for "normal".      You claim that there is some objective reason for you being angry and that you are right and your parents are wrong when they seem to imply that there is no possibility for her actually liking you and that's all this is about.                                                                                                                Where do we go from here? Dead end!

This is not the time to rationalize away your resistance to what has happened, but to turn that resistance on itself, and see what really was the driving factor in you being so hurt. If you fundamentally believed yourself to be lovable and worthy of love then why would you resist your parents suggesting otherwise so much? There seems to be a major blindspot that you lay open here and that is crucial for you to see.                                        Scrutinize this issue, my friend, and don't mess this up!

Anyway I hope I wasn't too harsh on you here but I felt that's what you needed. Of course I might just have gotten this completely wrong, it's your life anyway.

Best of luck, my friend.

[Ibn Sina]

16 minutes ago, loub said:

This is not the time to rationalize away your resistance to what has happened, but to turn that resistance on itself, and see what really was the driving factor in you being so hurt. If you fundamentally believed yourself to be lovable and worthy of love then why would you resist your parents suggesting otherwise so much?

As I have already said- this is the reason- 

"it''s like saying - if people see me sing beautifully and cheer for me say woooo with happiness , and somebody says to me, they are not cheering for you they are booing you. And I have heard stories of girls where 2 girls sat together and they see a guy looking at the prettier girl and the uglier girl says look the guy is looking at me. Wouldn't that make the beautiful girl angry. This is what is happening here. Besides, if that ugly girl says 'look that guy is looking at me' to the beautiful girl , then it is infuriating to the beautiful girl in 2 ways, first it is apparently false because her eyes see otherwise,  and second it decreases the girl's sense of worth, the ugly girl is trying to push the belief that she is not as attractive as she is, so again there is more negativity.  So do you see how this situation is infuriating to everyone if they get in this situation. "

You say- this is about looking at the cause of what is causing you such resistance. 
Yes I have looked into the cause and above is the cause, and that situation is inherently infuriating.

16 minutes ago, loub said:

If you fundamentally believed yourself to be lovable and worthy of love then why would you resist your parents suggesting otherwise so much?

I think this what you are suggesting is abnormal. Tell anyone that he/she/it doesn't love you and chances are they will be sad, and tell them he/she/it loves you, they will be happy. Only abnormal people would feel not the slightest bit of unhappiness because of hearing he/she/it doesn't love you because 'they love themselves.' And in my case it is coming from people that I trust, my parents, so the emotional toll is even greater.

This is just how things should be. I don't see anything wrong with me as you are (I think) suggesting.

Edited August 9, 2019 by Ibn Sina

[Natasha]

@Ibn Sina Your parents see your paying attention to someone else as a threat. It's a control thing. You should be able to talk to whoever you want without parental interference. If you still live under their roof and are supported by them, then they might feel entitled to you, which makes it more difficult for you to assert yourself/stand up to them. Typical Stage Blue family dynamic.

[Ibn Sina]

20 minutes ago, Natasha said:

Your parents see your paying attention to someone else as a threat.

WOW, this is a huge insight. I think this single line explains a LOT. 

My parents are also the type who want me to marry the person of their choosing, and who give their opinions (without me asking) on whoever I am attracted to. They are not the "I will be happy with whoever you want to marry" type.  Whenever something about relationships comes up, they (and all my other family) HAVE TO give their opinions for some silly reasons. It's like a board meeting is organized for absolutely no reason at all. This is a typical indian culture scene , any person from indian subcontinent can relate.

My other interpretation about this was my parents hate me and don't want me to be happy , but linking them with stage blue opens up new explanations.

My parents are not evil, or hate me. My parents are just  stage blue (so is 99% of people where I live)

Edited August 9, 2019 by Ibn Sina

[loub]

26 minutes ago, Ibn Sina said:

This is just how things should be. I don't see anything wrong with me as you are (I think) suggesting

I'm sorry it came across that way, I see where I made a poor choice of words. I merely wanted to suggest that there is still growth for you to do, which is likely true for all of us, don't you think?

31 minutes ago, Ibn Sina said:

I think this what you are suggesting is abnormal. Tell anyone that he/she/it doesn't love you and chances are they will be sad, and tell them he/she/it loves you, they will be happy. Only abnormal people would feel not the slightest bit of unhappiness because of hearing he/she/it doesn't love you because 'they love themselves.' And in my case it is coming from people that I trust, my parents, so the emotional toll is even greater.

 

Of course this is very hard emotionally. I did not say the ideal is to not feel anything in this situation, but ask yourself: would someone who is fundamentally grounded react so strongly against it? Try and understand, which is a very vital and complex thing rather than sticking to a conclusion such as:

41 minutes ago, Ibn Sina said:

Yes I have looked into the cause and above is the cause, and that situation is inherently infuriating.

which locks your ability to further your understanding of the matter and creates a dead end. Challenge that belief.

On a different note I think you should text that girl and seek contact again, btw

I wish you the best!

 

[Natasha]

@Ibn Sina Yeah typical family cult mentality, and you're the 'black sheep'.

Google SpartanLifeCoach Richard Grannon YT video 'Why My Family Hates Me' and his other vids on being a 'black sheep' in the family. He's one of the best expert on narcissism and PTSD. Will give you a better understanding of the dynamics in your family.

 

[Ibn Sina]

@Natasha Thanks. This is something I always needed but I wasn't aware that I needed it. 

I relate with every point he makes

Edited August 9, 2019 by Ibn Sina

[Everyday]

@Ibn Sina thanks for sharing. 

[Ibn Sina]

@Everyday my pleasure. But I posted it to deal with my own problems.

[Harikrishnan]

You from Indian subcontinent? ? 

[Natasha]

52 minutes ago, Ibn Sina said:

@Natasha Thanks. This is something I always needed but I wasn't aware that I needed it. 

I relate with every point he makes

You're welcome  Glad it was of help. Knowledge is power.

[JustThinkingAloud]

A lot of parents think they know everything better than you because they’re older and have more experience. They also want to prevent you from getting hurt by getting attached to a girl that doesn’t love you back. Maybe don’t share everything with them when you want to do it on your own and don’t want their advice. You can predict their reaction and if you want them to be happy with what you’re doing, share only the things that will make them happy.