Low self-esteem and family

[Matt23]

I find I have this reoccurring issue around family.  In particular my mom.

I find I often feel like she means to put me down and treats me and doesn't give me respect.  

I felt it very highly tonight at a small family get together.  I felt like she didn't acknowledge me or if she did it was in a way that put me down and was meant to make me small.

I felt like I was put down and not "welcome" in the group.  Like I was lower than them.

A big question for me is whether it's actually happening or happening in my mind.  I find it very difficult to know.  

I am also seeking any advice at all since it's becoming a recurring pattern that I find very painful.

Thanks for any help.

[OctagonOctopus]

One needs to develop much internally grounded self-respect, make yourself so respectable to yourself that all negativity becomes meaningless because it is not you. 

I know what it’s like to come from a family that constantly puts you down. In the moment when someone is speaking to you in that way you can internally say no to these energies and acknowledge that these comments are not you. 

Realize that you are saying you have a need for respect from your mother. So you are going to chase after this for as long as your mother won’t give you what you think is respect from her. Something to contemplate about. 

Edited August 9, 2019 by OctagonOctopus

[AdamDiC]

@Matt23 Do you need to be accepted by your mother? Do you need her love to feel secure in yourself? Can you love her independant of her actions?Where are you placing your worth? Contemplate that.

Try to not get attached to how others veiw/judge you. It's more them than you.

===========

it seems that your mother has something to say, possibly some hurt emotions that have gone unchecked that are now manifesting as this mean attitude. If she is open, maybe you can talk to her and search for a resolution.

If you find yourself in the situation again make sure to stop and take in what is going on. Feel into the suffering and question why it is there. What do you want? What beleifs do you hold about family? Be honest with yourself and try to find your centre.

And whether it's actually happening or in your mind, it's hard to tell, but hey... what's the difference?

Hope this helps. 
AdamD

[Matt23]

Thanks a bunch.  I will definitely try this.

[Nahm]

11 hours ago, Matt23 said:

I find I have this reoccurring issue around family.  In particular my mom.

I find I often feel like she means to put me down and treats me and doesn't give me respect.  

I felt it very highly tonight at a small family get together.  I felt like she didn't acknowledge me or if she did it was in a way that put me down and was meant to make me small.

I felt like I was put down and not "welcome" in the group.  Like I was lower than them.

A big question for me is whether it's actually happening or happening in my mind.  I find it very difficult to know.  

I am also seeking any advice at all since it's becoming a recurring pattern that I find very painful.

Thanks for any help.

You’re question is right on. The answer that is true for you now, is that that is not what matters. Right now, feeling better is what matters. 

You’re adding thoughts to what you’re seeing & hearing. The theme of the thoughts strikes me as, “people, mom, where is the love?”.

Mom’s being mom, choosing her thoughts, feeling her sensations, and creating perspectives - living her experience. You’re being you, and you are doing this as well. Just do it a little more on purpose. You are the bringer of the love. There is no responsibility, no catch, no strings. The love is for you, to feel. Yeah, you. You’re that powerful.  One can not in truth put another down. That requires of you the adding of such thoughts to what is seen & heard, and the ignor-ance of your power. Nobody is helped by you pretending to be so small. It’s not working for mom with you, nor will it work for you with you, or anyone else. Sensations tell you this truth, listen to them.

Pain is an intense sensation, such as bumping your head on the car when you’re getting into it. 

Suffering is the adding of thoughts to that sensation, and creating perspective ...”Oh my God! Cars are deadly, scary! Surely something must be done about this! What if I hit my head again?! Is there an organization for this? Surely others are as worried about this!!”

Well, we’re not. Worry, and you worry alone. Smile, and reality smiles with you. I am smiling now. How do you find this, comparatively? This bringing the love “strategy”, feel good, feel right? Does it “work”? I’m convinced, by the feeling of it, that it is working for me. You have the same access, to the same goodness, to the same miracle. 

Breathing is a gift we can use, it is the prana, the chi, the source, the present itself, it is life itself.  Focus on it, draw your clarity from it, feel the peace in each and every breath. When we do this, thought recedes. “Problems” are revealed to be perspectives you created - by ignoring your sensations when they told you the perspective you were creating was not your best, not of your highest truth, nowhere near the true you. Let it go.  Sensation arises again to it’s rightful place, of guidance. Listen, while such scenes unfold, and always. 

Then you can pick the thoughts, in alignment with the sensations, from your true perception;  peace, love and understanding. Draw from the only thing you can, consciousness itself, yourself. Fill yourself with it, bask! Eventually, if not now, you’ll turn that consciousness into conscientiousness. You’ll realize how wonderful it is. Mom will notice, but tread slowly, as it’s not about mom. Mom’s gotta do what you’ve gotta do. Same love. Patiently allow the momentum of this goodness to build, eventually you will see, this is all mom needs to be willing to see to.

That you can make her see this, that it is your responsibility, is another thought. How does it pair with sensation? I bet the sensation says something more like, “You got this. Eventually she’ll wonder what it is you’ve got, and she’ll ask. And you’ll tell her, it’s just love, sensations, and choosing - creating - perspectives.”

By confusing suffering for pain, by not realizing you are creating your perspectives, you tend to fear what could happen. But you are already discovering you true position, that you can create your perspective. That pain is not suffering. Have a look online at emotional scales. See that overall, this is what’s really happening within each of us. Keep creating perspectives that feel good to you, you’ll naturally rise to the top of that scale over time. Then great mysteries of your self, and of the universe will be revealed to you. Then, you’ll see the relationship between suffering & compassion very clearly, and you’ll see how mom is actually doing her best. So just do your best, just for you. Simply for the doing of it, for how it feels. Just for fun. You will see, and all kinds of magic will follow. 

[JustThinkingAloud]

I’d have a look at what she specifically did to make you feel like that. And also, what did you expect her to do so you can compare and find out whether there’s a problem. You can ask her directly whether you’ve done something wrong. Also, you can ask other people that you trust whether they agree with you or whether they know something.

[Commodent]

Are you dependent on your mother?

My mother always used me as her emotional garbage bin, but I didn't realize how poorly she was treating me until I moved out and started reading about dysfunctional parenting and it's healthy counterpart. So whenever I came back for vacation I was very clear to point out any time she stepped over my boundaries, and whenever she responded with arguing, deflection, guilt tripping or whatever I made it very clear that me visiting her was completely optional and I could just leave at any time if she wasn't willing to respect my boundaries. And it worked like wonders. In the preceding two years, and to this day, she worked really hard to get her shit together and is now a completely different person from what she used to be. Our relationship is the best it has ever been, and I can now even feel beams of love cracking through the shield of my heart that has been so wounded.

The best way to deal with dysfunctional people, is the ability to stand on your own. It requires great courage, but the ability to hold your own ground is such a precious thing in all facets of life.

[Matt23]

Thanks everybody!  I really appreciate your words.