Always thinking in extremes

[Marinus]

This year I discovered that I think and act in extremes. My base state is thinking pessimistic and feeling like a failure, time is ticking by and I watch how I waste my life worrying, watching YouTube, thinking about girls, not being able to keep habits. Acting anxious and somewhat shy.

My other persona is the overconfident one. In this state I truly believe I will change the world. I'am able to form and keep habits, create motivation, be productive, demand respect from people, being a leader, inspire people and feel like I'm invincible. It kind off looks like villains in fiction who are overconfident in their plotting plans and act on them.

My second persona comes out when I:

• Taking leadership (in groups)
• Having sex
• Having a new strong vision
• Having deep conversations
• listening to certain music
• Having a morning routine (only the beginning weeks)

 

This second persona can be activated in a couple seconds if the situation is just right, but it doesn't last very long. It feels like an alternative form of consciousness, but I think it isn't real confidence. If I get into this state I feels very powerful and like I have taken a substance I think. If you played Pokemon you can see it as my mega evolution which is a temporary power-up in those games.

I would love to be in this state all the time, but I think finding balance is key. I don't know how to create that balance. Whenever I do something I either do it very strictly with determination, but when I feel it's a huge backlash. Or I do it half assed and not feeling satisfied.

I wonder if someone has a similar experience and if their is a psychological term for this and what might be the underlying cause. I never saw this in others.

 

[hamedsf]

remember a human doesn't have one personality at place. 

in any condition or situation, one persona manifest itself automatically out of the group of personas when a certain situation appears.

be conscious how you're behaving when you're with professors, and how you're behaving with your close friends. how you're behaving when you're walking down the street all alone and the same with friends. this is called "fragmentation"

maintaining awareness on your fragmentations could easily help you to choose the one you like most of the time.

 

Edited August 6, 2019 by hamedsf

[Nahm]

There are many psychological diagnoses & treatment plans forged from the general misunderstanding of thought & sensation. 

Chronic misunderstanding of sensation fuels negative thinking.

Positive thinking works & feels better, but is later realized to be taxing & unsatisfying.

Then we learn to change our state which is highly useful, but is not long term applicable / sustainable.

These efforts are a natural progression in emotional intelligence, but become realized to be fueling a rollercoaster of ups & downs. The desire to get off this rollercoaster becomes strong, but thought is still hijacking sensation, leading to conceptual fragmentation, multiple personas, circumstance manipulation, etc - all very taxing & very unsatisfying. 

Balance, as you mentioned, can be effective and appropriate relatively, but is also ultimately unsatisfying, as it is thought based. Another attempt to compensate for the misunderstanding of sensation. 

Motivation is repetitious state changing, and can be effective, but creativity is driven organically by inspiration.

If we are to move up the emotional scale into effortless joy, inspiration, love and creativity for the duration, we must understand the critical role sensation has played since day one, and our misunderstanding of it. We must realize how we have been unconsciously creating emotion, to begin to consciously create emotion.  

 

Consider a paradigm shift to regain the guidance and inspiration of sensation:

From:  ‘thinking leads & sensation follows’ (unconscious emotion creation)

To:       ‘sensation leads & thinking follows’ (conscious emotion creation)  

May initially appear counterintuitive, but is actually the placing of intuition first, ime this is how you get off the creativity draining hamster wheel & emotional rollercoaster of ups & downs you described. 

Choices are the choosing of this or that thought. Quality of thoughts from which to choose from is largely determined by sensations. Thoughts are like finite balloons arising from infinite sensation. 

Deconstruct emotions by separating the sensation from the thoughts. Let the thoughts go, hone into / stay with the sensations. Understanding & clarity arises. 

There will likely be an unwinding period, in which thought strongly repetition / momentum attempts (so to speak) to instill the continuation of the hijacking. Don’t fall for it. 

Notice the effort all this is taking, is thoughts, and sensation is effortless.

 

 

[JustThinkingAloud]

I agree that you need to find a balance as you seem to get quite exhausted with the overconfident side of you. I think you’re on the right track, keep fine tuning and you will eventually find the balance that works for you. Your confidence is real at that moment because you feel it and you act like it. You can control it once you learn what exactly it is that triggers it. Have a look what actually happens or what thoughts you had when you became confident, that will help you to understand it.