An uncommitted relationship.

[Natasha]

4 minutes ago, DrewNows said:

Indeed and truth can be painful 

Yet liberating

[universe]

On 4.8.2019 at 8:41 PM, assx95 said:

When i think of my future, i envision her as my partner with a kid. And all loving moments we could share. I've been on dates with her, and told her about my feelings for her, even joked about having kids with her, and her response : she'll sometimes play along but mostly she'll say she's not sure of it. She's going through a quarter life crisis, feeling lonely and is on a solo trip to the mountains to discover herself. 

Why do you think about your future, stop endulging in fantasies that will never happen and focus on being happy in the all encompassing now. Nothing can be added, nothing is needed now.

Your are dating her a few times and joked around, cool. Why are you making a big deal out of it. How can she know she wants kids with you if she isnt even decided on being with you?

If you want to know if she wants to have kids ask her seriously and dont joke about it. And if she says no and is young. Dont worry so much. Biology and society will do their magic and she probably will want some kids later on. Caring about someone else rather than oneself is very liberating. Most people like it very much. If not, they havent tried yet.

 

On 4.8.2019 at 8:41 PM, assx95 said:

1. Leo speaks of detachment, but i am not sure what it would really mean, in this case or any? Does it mean, i don't contact her and leave her be and be okay with it? Do i try or do i not try? I'm making this a "should" or "must", when i shouldn't.

It means to detach first from your need to have the world any other way than it is. When you are detached you dont think about if you do this or that. You just do it without any attachment to the outcome. Aka you dont care.

 

On 4.8.2019 at 8:41 PM, assx95 said:

2. In the absence of the self, and with that follows the lack of an authentic self, wouldn't the will of the no-self be whatever it feels it should say, in exactly the same way ? Even though in the end, it could work exactly the opposite, in that it leads me away from her, while i was thinking that every step was a step closer to her. 

I dont understand what you mean with self, authentic self and no-self.

[assx95]

@universe

6 minutes ago, universe said:

Why do you think about your future, stop endulging in fantasies that will never happen and focus on being happy in the all encompassing now. Nothing can be added, nothing is needed now.

Yeah, i concur. It takes a lot to live in the now. One needs to let go of everything. It is bold and vulnerable. Something i've been avoiding. 

9 minutes ago, universe said:

It means to detach first from your need to have the world any other way than it is. When you are detached you dont think about if you do this or that. You just do it without any attachment to the outcome. Aka you dont care.

Now i know. Bookmarked  

12 minutes ago, universe said:

I dont understand what you mean with self, authentic self and no-self.

The self is what i currently have, the Ego. The authentic self and the no-self are the same.
What i'm saying is : I feel a need to preserve what I have: this relationship, even if it's a bit dysfunctional. 

What i should have mentioned for better context is : I have these moments of insights/ hunches/inspiration where I feel like I have the perfect thing to say to her. It is usually on the vulnerable side, and I end up saying it to her without caring for the consequences. This I strongly feel is the no-self directing my life. The self is very scared that this might alter the dynamic of the relationship. 

So, when a thought occurs to me about her, and i feel like saying it, should i say it regardless of whether it will ruin the relationship? Cause i strongly feel that is what is authentic and not crafting carefully a text which will move her in a predictable way. 

 

[DrewNows]

11 minutes ago, assx95 said:

So, when a thought occurs to me about her, and i feel like saying it, should i say it regardless of whether it will ruin the relationship? Cause i strongly feel that is what is authentic and not crafting carefully a text which will move her in a predictable way. 

It’s always going to be authentic based on the emotion but you have to access your role in the interaction, it’s not so easy shifting out of an attachment style, so authenticity is changing based off what frame of reference/perception you have of the relationship, unfortunately it goes as deep as your beliefs so yeah see if you can become aware of those ?

[assx95]

@DrewNows Wow. It's like peeling infinite layers. Although it's just (N-1) for me. 

[universe]

I would call all the above the self or ego. Its just different stages of needyness/neurotic behaviour.

So for your question if you should actively manipulate her I would advise against. Right now it seems like you have two of the three most common needs for men in dating, the need for validation and especially for control. We want everything to be perfect, so that we can predict the situation and be in control of it.

I would advice you to release this need for control.

That means you have to feel it very deeply and affirmative until it goes away on its own. You might need to envision a scene in your head where you totally loose control over the situation/relationship to lure the need out. Thats when you pack it and take it deep into your heart. Screaming at it: More,more more give me more!

You get what Im trying to say.

[DrewNows]

@assx95 heh. Yeah I’m kicking myself as I’ve spent years not even aware of these theoretical  “attachment styles” which seem to make a load of sense now and definitely better than my broader view, clearing up why I fall back into certain frames of thought/fear 

[assx95]

@universe Makes sense. I was in denial about my need for control, until you brought to notice that i was trying to make things perfect. And being neurotic about it. 

[universe]

1 minute ago, assx95 said:

@universe Makes sense. I was in denial about my need for control, until you brought to notice that i was trying to make things perfect. And being neurotic about it. 

Eh dont be harsh on yourself. Most people have it to some degree. It cripples us on our way through life. So go ahead and release it!