Trying to be Aloof when you're Falling

[Wisebaxter]

Ok, so I only ever meet women I'm not that smitten by, so it's easy to play it cool and not care if it falls through. Of course when that's the case I can't help feeling you're generally more desirable. I mean, when someone knows they've got you, perhaps they lose a bit of interest. So anyway, now I've met a girl that I'm swooning for quite a bit and I'm out of my comfort zone because of it. We've already slept together and she's told me she's seeing me exclusively (although not as a couple). I've only seen her the once though, so it's very early stages. As I can feel my heart opening I can also feel myself needing it too much. I told her yesterday that I'm smitten with her (whaaaaaaat!) which is so not like me. My common sense was yelling at me not to say that but I said it anyway. She seemed to appreciate it but said she finds it hard to take compliments and affection, to trust etc. She asked me to be patient with her. I'm totally willing to do that, but in the meantime, should I hold off from being too keen with my language, telling her I like her etc? I'm even stressing about how often I should text her during the day. I feel at a disadvantage now, like I've played my hand to early. But I'm just being real with her. How do I make a girl like this fall for me? I don't want to scare her off but I don't want to be aloof either. What a tightrope. I'm not used to this whole courting thing. This woman is keeping me at more of a distance than I'm used to and she's not buttering me up with sugary words and sentiments, going full force like a lot of women do. I'd say she's somewhat aloof. It's very refreshing actually, and more real. I mean we hardly known each other after all. 

Edited August 4, 2019 by Wisebaxter

[JustThinkingAloud]

Maybe try to find faults on her so you don’t idealise her too much.

I think that you shouldn’t try too hard to make someone to love you, they should love you for who you actually are.

[Wisebaxter]

Ok I think I fucked it up. She told me she's been feeling pressured. I told her I have no expectations and I'll just back off and be her friend for now. This reaction may have saved it a bit. I can't believe I made such a schoolboy error. Saying that, she did sleep with me, so it's a bit confusing. To be honest I think she just wanted sex. That and she likes having someone to speak to about her ex. Anyway It's fine, I told her I'd go back to a healing role. I'm fine with whatever happens. I told her my love is unconditional anyway. Feel that baby, straight from the heart, that sucker's wide open. 

Edited August 6, 2019 by Wisebaxter

[DrewNows]

@Wisebaxter what I’ve read is it’s best to allow her to chase/pursue you. Purposeful calls and texts are good if you are going to make plans, but coming off too needy is not going to help. Perhaps you could talk to other women to take your mind off of her until she figures out her shit, id even recommend going on other dates to develop confidence 

Edited August 4, 2019 by DrewNows

[Wisebaxter]

16 minutes ago, DrewNows said:

@Wisebaxter what I’ve read is it’s best to allow her to chase/pursue you. Purposeful calls and texts are good if you are going to make plans, but coming off too needy is not going to help. Perhaps you could talk to other women to take your mind off of her until she figures out her shit 

@DrewNows Thanks man, I'll follow your advice and do that. It's so typical, a few days ago, just after sleeping with her I suddenly became afraid of commitment and tried to brush her off. She was in tears over the phone, almost pleading me to reconsider. Now I warm to her and she goes in the opposite direction. Well, I did go from cold to hot quite drastically, probably confused her a bit. It's weird how I just couldn't help myself. It's like my feelings were begging to be known, or there was this yearning for reciprocation. I listened to a load of Bob Dylan tunes and got all carried away by the idea I was 'falling in love' and feeling satisfied that I could still do it. It was maybe all a big self deception though, or a manipulation so I could experience those old feelings again. I mean I don't even know the girl. Known her less than a week. I was prone to this when I was younger but it hasn't happened in a while.  

I think it's beauty man, it puts a spell on me. I just want to be close to it. The sex was the thing that did it. Perhaps it's just plain old lust at work. I know how intoxicating that can be. I've just never been with a girl that's this hot, it's fucked me up. The woman I slept with before her had hair on her back. 

Edited August 4, 2019 by Wisebaxter

[DrewNows]

@Wisebaxter haha yup and it’s all in your head man. Your goal ideally would be to learn and grow through your relationships that’s why it really helps to “find yourself” or in other words, begin to see through your infatuation/lust, so that you may eventually feel complete with or without someone. I think it promotes a healthy relationship dynamic 

Also I’m happy for ya man, no need to be too hard on yourself, it’s a learning process and falling in love has got to be one of the most potent feelings we can experience, keep that heart open! 

Edited August 4, 2019 by DrewNows

[assx95]

@Wisebaxter  I was in a similar situation, except she didn't sleep with me, I told her my feelings, and she went numb on me. I tried to be sexually aggressive while texting, it made her laugh but it didn't work. I then would react to her Instagram stories, that would get good responses. But lately, i was quite frustrated with what she was doing, and was also madly in love, so i deconstructed her entire routine, and put it in a nice way, She opened up, she was going through deep troubles. Quite literally an existential crisis. Thing is, know the context to your situation.

Ask her more about her, forget about the love thing, it is to stay at least for a while.  I'm not telling you what will work, i am telling you there might be more to your situation, than what you think it is. 

[Wisebaxter]

23 hours ago, assx95 said:

I tried to be sexually aggressive while texting, it made her laugh but it didn't work

@assx95 I know how that feels, when you feel desperate enough to start trying things out to see what works. You stop being yourself too. I tried that with this girl, the sexual texts, but she wasn't biting. She just saw it as me being full on and drooling over her too much. I've also discovered that excessive compliments don't work. She says she finds them difficult to accept. This makes sense, as most people don't love themselves enough to receive compliments well. 

23 hours ago, assx95 said:

i deconstructed her entire routine, and put it in a nice way, She opened up,

You mean you told her what she was up to with her life and she appreciated it? Good job. The way I see it is, if you can become an asset and help them in some way, they'll keep you around and warm to you. 

23 hours ago, assx95 said:

Ask her more about her, forget about the love thing, it is to stay at least for a while.  I'm not telling you what will work,

This is good advice. I need to just be her friend and play it cool. I've started doing that now. I've told her I'm going to back off and just give her advice, I won't assume anything. I said I'll be fine with whatever happens and there's no pressure, that I understand she's still cut up about her ex. This worked a charm as tonight she was really warm again and seemed really keen. The way I see it is, don't pressure them. Let them know how you feel, don't apologise for it and tell them you're cool with whatever. You just want them to be happy etc. Of course try and mean it to  it's a powerful way I've found of living life. Just unconditional love. As soon as you give them space, they're able to start being intrigued by you again. 

Quote

i am telling you there might be more to your situation, than what you think it is. 

Yes, this is something I've considered, that you can never know someone's true motivations. She might just be looking for a distraction. Always good to guard your heart a bit. Or perhaps just go for it anyway. I'm undecided. Something inside me wants to just open the floodgates of love and experience it, even if it is in my own head  I'll have to keep it a secret though and keep a cool head for now. I don't mind it going wrong anyway, I'll just love that when it happens. I'm going to try and match her level of commitment for now and mirror her language. No more calling her 'sweetness.' 

So the definition of this approach is 'mindful (of where she's at), loving and accepting (of any outcome).' When you can see the benefit of not getting what you want, you don't over-try. I'm learning this as I go

  

Edited August 6, 2019 by Wisebaxter

[assx95]

@Wisebaxter  Hey! Yesterday, a forum member told me that i might have an anxious attachment and the girl i love : avoidant attachment. 
I see a reflection of that in your relationship. You are willing to be vulnerable, while your partner feels pressured when you are. Your partner feels suffocated when you get too close. Although, your relationship seems quite stable, and this dynamic is played only on a mild level. 

 

[Wisebaxter]

@assx95 I mentioned to her that she may be an avoidant and she got so pissed haha. You see she's always saying how the men in her life are avoidants. It's kind of the concept she falls back on to justify her failed romances. So her response to me was 'what? I'm an avoidant? Just because I'm not in love with you after seeing you once!' Basically I'd just told her I was quite into her again and everything then went wrong. I attempted to turn the tables on her and get back my power by cancelling our next meeting, saying' I just don't want to get hurt. I thought by rejecting her she'd warm to me more but it just annoyed her and made me look even more lame, as really I was cancelling as I liked her too much. I don't know what I was thinking really. I tried to apologise the next day but it was too late, I was blocked. Damn. I quite liked her too. Oh well, she would have been a bit of a nightmare. Always moaning about her exes. When I first entered her during sex she said 'you're much bigger than Tim.' Ok, so it was a compliment, but still pretty fucked up. So I had a lucky escape. I would have loved to have slept with her again though man.... thats the thing that kills me the most. I had it all lined up, sex with a hot babe, and I blew it like a schoolboy. That's what beauty does to me. I stop thinking straight and acting cool. I was really into her. But probably only superficially. More lust than anything else I'm sure.

Thanks for all your help. I hope you manage to get some resolution with your situation. Sounds tough. 

Edited August 14, 2019 by Wisebaxter

[assx95]

@Wisebaxter Sorry to hear that. 

You do realize that you should have acted counter-intuitively?  But that isn't easy. 

What happened with you, as happens with many men- Women intentionally mess up the situation, sometimes unconsciously. It's one of those manipulative things they do, and the best response is to retreat and fight the battle another day. 

It's happened with me, multiple times, and i have not come out unscathed. 

My mindset currently has changed, and it somehow allows me to dirty texts, and she responds as well- The mindset is this- I want her to reject me as quickly as possible, for with rejection comes freedom. Freedom which is bit like death (when you contemplate about how it feels when a woman you love is indifferent to you) but also liberating. Although it may not feel like that at first. 

[Wisebaxter]

On 15/08/2019 at 5:49 PM, assx95 said:

@Wisebaxter Sorry to hear that. 

You do realize that you should have acted counter-intuitively?  But that isn't easy. 

What happened with you, as happens with many men- Women intentionally mess up the situation, sometimes unconsciously. It's one of those manipulative things they do, and the best response is to retreat and fight the battle another day. 

It's happened with me, multiple times, and i have not come out unscathed. 

My mindset currently has changed, and it somehow allows me to dirty texts, and she responds as well- The mindset is this- I want her to reject me as quickly as possible, for with rejection comes freedom. Freedom which is bit like death (when you contemplate about how it feels when a woman you love is indifferent to you) but also liberating. Although it may not feel like that at first. 

@assx95 You have really good insight into all this stuff. It's interesting how you keep outlining the stuff that's been on my mind but in more detail, helping me make sense of it. I've been thinking about how I intentionally ruin these situations, almost in a subconscious fashion, as really I want that freedom back. 

Yeah I'm shit at the whole counter intuitive thing. I can keep it going for a while but eventually it just falls through. I have a feeling that if I could use this rule in my life in general I'd have an easier time of things. But those well trodden pathways just get me every time. 

[Wisebaxter]

@Keyhole

On 15/08/2019 at 5:49 PM, assx95 said:

@Wisebaxter

 

On 15/08/2019 at 6:41 PM, Keyhole said:

@Wisebaxter A big red flag is if the woman is still bitching about an ex. It means she has not looked at herself yet.  Takes two to tango.

Good luck in the future.

Your goddamn right, talk about red flags eh? It's amazing what we can turn a blind eye too isn't it, when we're really attracted to someone. When I first went to her place she told me how much of a 'pussy' Tim was because he couldn't chop wood properly, and gave me an axe so I could demonstrate my masculinity. I'd never done it before but luckily I cut through that log like butter and she fucking loved it lol. I think it came from having watched Arnie do it so many times in the film Commando

She also sent me a text she'd wanted to send Tim and didn't, and man the things she was saying... she called him a 'pasty fucking f*g' and accused him of not being man enough to handle a feisty woman like her. She said 'you couldn't even handle me on top of you in bed and stay properly hard' and she was also upset about the fact that he couldn't finish inside her and could only ejaculate by jerking himself off afterwards and busting a nut straight in her face haha. Ok I could see her point on that one. She said it was really degrading. 

The whole situation was just insane. Glad it's over now. I'm done with sleeping around for a while. Screw all that. Especially these dating apps. All the women on them are frigging nuts. 

Edited August 19, 2019 by Wisebaxter

[assx95]

@Wisebaxter Her retelling of Tim's misadventures was hilarious. 

She loves Tim, despite how condescendingly she speaks of him. Hearing your story, i feel like she was trying to tell you not to fuck up like Tim, but also acting, influencing and misdirecting you in a way that you fuck up. It's all about Tim, for her. 

Be less emotionally invested in her, than you are in yourself (This is from Mark Manson's models). Surprisingly, even thinking about what could be wrong, and that you might have fucked up is neediness. You just tell her what you want tell her ( Be less invested in her opinion of what it will sound like, and more invested in what you want to convey). 

And this is from RSD- Maintain your frame. One moment you are killing it, and then she gives you dead silence, or texts something harsh. You react to it : you play it to her ends. What's your vision of how you'd want it to be like? Don't buy into what's trying to sell, instead sell your own thing. 

I have this situation, right?  it's with a new girl. Not the one i talked about earlier. I told her one day, that i went offline for a while, and i don't where to start. Whatever we had between us, we are stuck. And she just went dead silent on me. I reacted to her Insta story a few days later saying she's cute and all that, and she reacted positively, seeing that response, i asked her out for french fries? This girl, is posting stories on Insta, and has not even seen my DM. I feel rejected af. What am i going to do? I ask myself- No matter how cute she was, do I really want to have french fries with this girl now? The answer is a resounding no. Who she was earlier, and what she is now, how would she actually face the fact that she left me stranded? And still have fun with me? Unless she has a good excuse, in which case she'll respond. 

So, i think rejection is a win-win. Although it hurts. 

 

[SFRL]

@Wisebaxter from my experience when a woman talks/mentions about her ex within the first 3 dates in any way shape or form that is a Red Flag. 

I hate the term Red Flag. But it really is.