Desire, Faith, and Surrender - An Inspiring Update

[kieranperez]

I want to give an update on my journey that hopefully inspires you. I apologize in advance for it being rather long but hopefully my boring story ends up proving worthwhile for you. 

So for those of you whom are familiar with my posts (though don't confuse that with actually knowing my background and story) may be familiar that I've been going through a hard time for pretty much the last 10+ years. For those that aren't, I'll give you some backstory that hopefully doesn't bore you too much.

Since the age of 11 (I'm 24 now) my family has had to deal with a lot. One of my parents became seriously mentally ill and since I was in 6th grade and my brother at the time when he was just 4 or 5, we had to make sure our parent didn't kill themselves on a regular basis. This went on till I was 22 when our family fell apart. I've always struggled in school and with people due to a very hard case of ADHD and also harassment. I always knew I was intelligent but I always felt like I was a failure because that's all my life seemed to reflect. I've always been extremely ambitious to the point of delusion in most cases. School was a really big challenge for me, especially as I became more independent in high school as I was just in a program that just doesn't suit kids that have things like genuine ADHD. This created such a schism in me because I always had big goals but I was always failing. I knew I "had it" but nothing ever came together. I also was dealing with a lot of mental health stuff with what went on in my house and in myself. As I suffered more, the more I didn't know who I am. When I was junior, I got pulled out of school because I went to my counselor saying I was ready to die. Next thing I know, high school is over after I came back and finished senior year, I didn't accomplish any single goal I set and I wasn't even going to a university. I felt like both life and myself and had let me down. Both Fall and Spring semester of my first year in junior college I left early as a result of not going to classes I couldn't sit through anymore. As a competitive runner, my running just became more and more meaningless. Once I left school I never finished a single season of neither cross country or track season I committed to. I eventually found myself in a hospitalization program which is also where I found meditation. 

Later on I got into personal development through Tony Robbins after listening to so many motivational videos on YouTube. I couldn't keep going on my own but these things sparked something (my love for life I still had left). I couldn't believe what I was finding and I just devoured everything, though it was still neurotic. My desire for growth was projected as an aggression to "prove them wrong" and maintain that winner. This became exhausting until I realized all of that was based on the fact that I really felt hurt because I felt like a loser and I felt hurt. The competitiveness and desire to succeed no longer made sense. 

It wasn't until I found a Sam Harris guided meditation with Self-Inquiry at the end when I realized the most important question I've ever had... who am I? After that first sit (as painful as it was) I realized I didn't know who I am. How can I live not know who I am? Who is that's aware of "me"? What is it that's aware of "me"? If I'm aware of me is to be aware that I'm not me!?!? How can I honestly live a life not knowing who I am and say that I've fucking done anything of any significance? Then I found @Leo Gura and I finally felt like I was listening to me on the other end. I found a resource that embraced and encouraged every single thing I've ever found important and wanted to know. Philosophy was important. Having a life purpose and doing something big and doing something important does matter and should be pursued. I can't live not knowing who I am. Knowing that is important. Then I found Om Swami's memoir and then I realized "this is my life. This is what I'm here to do. This is the only thing I've ever really wanted. This is exactly what I've been looking for." 

Despite all that, I still struggled for many years. Being as depressed as I was, I was crying every single day because I was listening to Leo and I was really starting to realize what life is meant to be and getting clear on what is most important to me but I couldn't live any of it. I was sleeping in the same bed as my dad at 23 with no future. 'I can't REALLY do what Leo or any of the people alive and in the past have done!' This burning desire though just wouldn't shut off to the point where I felt it was torturing me. I was working in a retail job that I just hated myself for going to. How and why did I end up here?! WHY?!!? One of my best high school friends was the #1 overall pick in the NFL draft! My friends represented the USA in running and I used to kick the shit out of them in a race! I'm embarrassed to show my face to people!

Then after one post on the forum here I got an offer to come out here in New Jersey to sell pest control going door-door. Door-door sales? That's the hardest form of sales! I can't even keep eye contact, not mumble and stutter and stand straight! However, being the good salesman, now one of my best friends, convinced me that I had the chance to maybe earn $55k this summer. Having no real sales experience and only a month and a half in advance notice (other guys on the team were Mormon missionaries who prepped about a year in advance for this) I accepted it, terrified of what my future was. However... I couldn't go another day looking myself in the mirror feeling the shame and rage towards myself by staying and having sleep with my dad still at 24, having never taken any chance. I knew I HAVE TO DO THIS. 

After my first week of sales and putting in 12 hour days and not having made a single sale I already had multiple meltdowns. Social dynamics and literally forcing the way I interacted became the development I was really running from. I realized how and why I struggle with eye contact. I realized how and why I talk so fast. Having to change all of this in order to survive demanded a transformation and look myself in the mirror and forced a change. I then realized after 5 days how I literally was a different person. I talked different. My being was different. I slowed down my speech. I could hold eye contact. I felt more grounded. When looking at a video of myself a month before I came out I couldn't believe what I was looking at. The seed was planted. However I did have to switch to being a service pro. Sometimes there's only so much pressure a person can take before suffocating. Sometimes pressure on a stone can create a diamond. It can also cause it to get crushed. 

Despite the transition, I was now living in a unit I was paying for. I cleaned after myself and I loved it. I loved cleaning my mess. it forced me to be honest about my inadequacies and after emotional turmoil I started to... just do it. The more I "did it", the more my word slowly began to gain power again... despite many relapses. I was cooking for myself. I was working 60-75 hours a week. The hours hurt and the more I felt overwhelmed the more my burning desire for truth burned in my heart painfully. "Why am I out here?!" "What do I want?!... I don't know!" "What impact do I want to have on the world?... I DON'T KNOW!" The fatigue and exhaustion from the hours hurt. I wanted to be free. I wanted to be int he mountains. I wanted to heal. However... I also loved this. I was changing. I was taking on responsbility and I noticed that I was actually changing. My word started having power. I was becoming more confident. I was learning to relax my entire body when I felt extreme stress and could literally let go. Good days became more consistent, despite the still pretty consistent emotional volatility. My faith started to increase. I started to really inspect my unconscious mind through various exercises I was creating. Deeper clarity started to emerge. I even got to meet @winterknight!

Then today I was called into my manager's office and was told I was either gonna be laid off because we had too many workers at our location or they were going to move me to a different location. I immediately realized "they have an office in Denver/Boulder, CO" which is where I was planning on trying to maybe move to if all worked out (which it didn't seem like it was). Then I immediately asked if I could be moved over there. They immediately said yes and they would fly me out and I wouldn't have to pay rent. Not only that I could keep the job and reduce my hours as I could go to therapy and get psychoanalysis done in order to really finally heal. I left the office screaming YES! I immediately emailed Integral Zen leader Doshin Roshi whose close with Ken Wilber and am now in contact with him. I'm also around other enlightened teachers like David Loy and many others in that area. My plan is to really meet these people and study under them as best as I possibly can and so far, this is starting to seem doable... and I can't fucking believe it. I'm finally going to get the healing I need, I'm now going to do serious fucking consciousness work and I have ways of even traveling....

How? How did this happen? Why? Why did this happen? The two questions that I felt the most negatively when I uttered them now bring great gratitude. Was it because I wanted this so bad that I couldn't live without it and there was some law of attraction thing that set in? Maybe. Whose to really confirm that and say definitely? One answer I can say with confidence is that I had faith and I took what little of it I had left and jumped... and I had very little of it left. I had faith though because I knew, not that my life mattered, but that I can't waste this. I refuse to fucking let my life go. When I see Leo post a picture of how overweight he was in his 20s and when I see his videos I see and hear the heart of someone whose driven to serve this world, that's fucking real. Not some cute talk about metaphysics and parrot nondual blabber. I knew I had to keep going because I DO love life. I can't fall back asleep and ignore all that I know I yearn for... and I invite you to do the same... Take the leap and claim the responsibility that you will do this. Whatever "this" is. Throw yourself into a situation that DEMANDS you grow and DO IT. When you're put into a situation by your own hand that's hard, look at yourself and also feel yourself in that moment. Awareness ALONE is curative. When you're aware of how much you lie to yourself, how much you cheat yourself, how much you ruin your own happiness, how much you deceive yourself of your own love for yourself, how much you mask your own selfishness, how much you shirk your responsiblity in this world to others, how you play victim and watch yourself doing it... THEN your life will change because you won't be able to tolerate it anymore. Then you will feel empowered, despite how many times you fall back. That's how this is done. I'm one of the most skeptical people I've probably met and also one of the most cynical. If I can have faith in the shit I've gone through, so can you. Take back your life. Not because you have to but because you love life. 

Thank you Leo for helping me cultivate the faith and show me a new path in life. I don't want to know where I'd be if I didn't find your channel. Thank you for showing me. I hope one day I can live that which you're realizing one day and be of service to the world like you are. 

[Leo Gura]

Inspiring story man! Keep rocking it. You're doing great for your age.

Your desire and intention for awakening & love is the most important thing. As long as you keep that desire stoked in your heart, you will find your way. It just won't be a linear path. Life will have all sorts of twists and turns in store for you.

When you find something that's truly important to you in life, latch onto it like a python and don't let go until life relents and gives you what you most desire.

The beginning is the hardest part. It will get easier.

[kieranperez]

 

5 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Inspiring story man!

Coming from the guy who inspires me more than probably anybody... THAT means a lot. Honestly it’s when I listen to your videos on vision that just reinstills my faith in myself and my path. 

My path certainly will not be linear. I tend to learn slower than most and honestly, I probably have more challenges than most... but on the other end I don’t either because I feel my desire for awakening, freedom, and truth to not only be burning and become more drowning, but the more I grow, the more pure it becomes.

I won’t lie, I do compare myself to you and other people I admire and that feels rather defeating but im starting to understand through the results im getting what you’ve said all along. Which is vision. Have a burning enough vision that makes your heart burn. 

Thank you for serving as an example. Thank you for everything and I hope I can meet you one day and say that. I’d probably be in a casket if I didn’t find your videos. 

[Leo Gura]

3 hours ago, kieranperez said:

I won’t lie, I do compare myself to you and other people I admire and that feels rather defeating

That's all very natural. Students emulate teachers until they are finally ready to leave the nest and embark on their own. It might take 5 or 10 years for that to happen. But it will happen if you go deep enough into the work. You will become your own authority figure, grounded deeply in yourself as God.

Don't expect that to happen in your 20's. Maybe around your mid-30's that will start to happen. It takes a long time for a man to find his grounding in life. It's a slow maturation process, like a finely aged wine.

[CreamCat]

2 hours ago, kieranperez said:

I always knew I was intelligent

You will be able to unlock the highest potential of your intelligence after removing baggages and distractions and mastering your life.

Edited August 2, 2019 by CreamCat

[CreamCat]

9 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

You will become your own authority figure, grounded deeply in yourself as God.

After watching your video about authority, I took time for self examination. I was giving authority to people without being conscious of doing so.

I have reclaimed a lot of authority while still relying on experts. You can have some of my authority.

[CreamCat]

I read your post. It seems that if you can do it, I can do it, too.

I shall be able to voluntarily give myself to tough challenges, push through and be aware of ego tricks, and let the challenges transform myself.

A human animal is not going to transform and grow unless it is put through tough challenges that demand growth.

It may not take more than 5 years for you to reach a great level of personal development.

Edited August 2, 2019 by CreamCat

[kieranperez]

@Leo Gura that’s very comforting to hear that. I find the more trips I take now in psychedelics the more I realize how much I need to walk my own path and not anyone else’s. I usually tend to fall into needing to map my life in line with someone else. The more free I am though the more I realize it just never works that way. 

4 minutes ago, CreamCat said:

I read your post. It seems that if you can do it, I can do it, too.

I shall be able to voluntarily give myself to tough challenges, push through and be aware of ego tricks, and let the challenges transform myself.

A human animal is not going to transform unless and grow unless it is put through tough challenges that demand growth.

And it’s one thing to say that. It’s another thing to stop saying it and in fact, stop saying anything and literally just do it. You can’t grow just by collecting insights. Notice that the greatest philosophers LIVED their insights as principles. If you, I, and the world don’t actually do that, it’s just talk. And just talking is breaking integrity. 

Take the inspiration from this and throw my story away. My story is just a story. 

[mandyjw]

7 hours ago, kieranperez said:

I usually tend to fall into needing to map my life in line with someone else. The more free I am though the more I realize it just never works that way. 

And it’s one thing to say that. It’s another thing to stop saying it and in fact, stop saying anything and literally just do it. You can’t grow just by collecting insights. Notice that the greatest philosophers LIVED their insights as principles. If you, I, and the world don’t actually do that, it’s just talk. And just talking is breaking integrity. 

Take the inspiration from this and throw my story away. My story is just a story. 

I love this. 

Thanks for sharing your story, you're amazing! 

[Space]

@kieranperez Awesome story man! I've been quietly following your posts here and there so its great to hear its going well for you. I recently started a full-time job too, after two and a half years of not working. This job just randomly came up the other week, and it felt right. It's not the best job in the world, but it's amazing how much i've grown in the past few weeks. Being actually fucking responsible for things, and having to push myself socially and mentally have really had a significant impact on my whole outlook on life, as dramatic as that might sound. 

[possibilities]

Hey @kieranperez I've developed a technique that I believe would definitely be very useful for treating the symptoms of ADHD, its still in experimental mode and will take some months to reliably validate things here but if you're interested in trying it out just shoot me a message and I'll help out. Peace