Fear

[electroBeam]

Right now, if I meditate, I feel like the universe will drop away. It doesn't sound that bad in words, but during the moment it brings fear. This has been happening for some time now ( 1-2 years) and I've sort of just danced around this issue and terminated my practice whenever it go this far. 

In the past year, I felt that I wasn't ready to take the leap into the unknown because I was still building my career and thought that this leap would fuck up my motivation, also there's nothing wrong with duality, why rush into the unknown? The unknown is right here waiting for me, I can jump in whenever I like. So I decided to hold it off. But now I have realized that the time to take spirituality seriously isn't in the future, its now, no matter the consequences. Because I've realized my life purpose is a purpose revolving around the absolute, not some dualistic facet of reality.

Its not obvious where this will take me, but its deeply scary because it feels like the universe will drop away, there is a sensation of energy buzzing in consciousness when it happens, and it gets bigger and bigger. The fear gets bigger and bigger too.

So I can't get myself to go further even if I continue to meditate, because the fear "omg what's going to happen! Am I going to die????? Omg what about my loved ones? Where will they go????" distracts my from focusing on the 3rd eye(I practice kriya yoga). But I must because the alternative is suffering and depression.

On top of that, my wife is complaining saying that I'm turning into an alien. The fact that I can't get excited over gossip, all I want to do is immerse myself in nature, all psychological issues I look at them as if they are not big issues, are scaring her. Because she thinks they are big issues. Imagine what's going to happen if I jump into the unknown!? She's gonna freak. 

What to do?

Edited August 1, 2019 by electroBeam