Friends with benefits with my ex - I really need help

[Lay_Zen_Licious]

Sorry for the really long post, but I really need some advice because I don't understand myself any more. Please do not answer if you don't understand my concerns in some way or don't feel compassion, I heard a lot of advice from people who didn't really know what they're talking about and it only made me even more insecure. 

 

 

 

So I had been together with this girl for almost 4 years and I had moved in together with her about 1 1/2 years ago. But after some time, I was starting to doubt our relationship and didn't really know why. I had the feeling that she held me back in my Personal Development and my aspirations to improve and live the life I wanted, because she had some psychological issues herself and I spent a lot of time worrying about her, trying to help and it was truly nerve-wrecking. Also, I had the urge to sleep with other women and try new things. She was the first girl I have ever been with and I felt like I was missing out on something. On the other hand, we got along pretty well and I didn't have a problem with her personally. She really loved me and I wanted her to be happy. Every time she was sad, it really broke my heart. - I wasn't sure if I loved her though. 

I couldn't keep my doubts for myself and I eventually told her, that I was thinking about breaking up. We had lots of talks about it and she gave me time to think but I was still indecisive. This indecisiveness really destroyed her because she didn't know what's going on and feared being left alone every single day. This went on for a few months and she grew more and more resentful towards me. She became cold. Then one morning, we had a talk and we basically both agreed, that this wasn't really working and it would be better to break up. 

The first few weeks after that were basically hell, I never felt such sadness and emotional pain in my entire life before. It felt like a physical illness. It took a while, but I picked myself back up again. She moved out of our flat and I stayed here on my own. We decided to stay friends though, because we still liked each other. We both didn't want to lose somebody, we shared so many beautiful experiences with. Someone who knew us better than any other human being. 

After the breakup, my ex was suddenly better at life than before. Her emotional problems suddenly seemed to resolve, she joined some Clubs and found new friends, was way more active etc. My own problems however didn't really change and I noticed that she had maybe been contributing to my problems, but she was never the main factor. I think that I was a devil here and projected my issues onto her, thinking I need to get rid of her to change my life, all the while holding her back in her aspirations. She had basically felt so save and comfortable with me that she hadn't been active. 

Well after a while, we started kissing and touching and having sex again. It felt really good and it was like our relationship was revived in some way. Felt like a new beginning. We had much more interesting conversations again, I was actually looking forward to seeing her every time and we texted each other a lot. The sex and the intimacy was also way better than before. We didn't officially get together though. 

Now we both are hella confused. I still want to bang other girls and try new things out. She says she is not very jealous about me having sex with other girls, but the thought of me falling in love and having a new girlfriend freaks her out and she fears that I might forget her completely. She clearly still has feelings for me, but she doesn't want out relationship back because I am still indecisive and she doesn't want to feel this insecurity and pain ever again. I also kinda have feelings for her, I wanna see her happy and don't wanna lose her, but I STILL don't know if I love her or not. I don't even know what "love" means romantically, as it is a societal construct in my mind. 

Honestly I don't understand myself right now. Every time we meet, I'm looking forward to it, I can't keep my hands off her and we have sex almost every time we meet at this point. The day after, I wake up alone and always feel this kind of weird feeling, like I regret doing that or something... I can't really pin it down. I still don't know why I couldn't just love her and be glad that I had somebody who loved me with all of my flaws and imperfections. Now I know she has feelings for me but I'm still playing with her like that. I don't want her to suffer any more. She says, she wants to cuddle and have sex, even if she's not in a relationship. I do too. But I don't know if we are not deceiving ourselves right there. I thought about getting back together, but on the other hand I enjoy my freedom here. I like being alone for the most part and I like having my freedom. I like going out and having the possibility of picking up girls with no strings attached, even if it doesn't happen that often. Now I fear that I might hurt her with that, even though we are not together. On the other hand, I do feel lonely at times and then I wish she was here. I wish I could cuddle with her and sleep together with her, watching some stupid netflix show and laughing.

Also, I keep getting input from all of society which confuses me even further. My family pressures me to find a girlfriend, so I can be safe for the future. Even though I don't really buy into their worldview, I think that love is something you have to work for and that doesn't just come to you and then lasts forever. Maybe I should have worked on our relationship more. But I feel like I need to make other experiences to get this out of my system. But what if we eventually lose each other and never get back in touch? 

Maybe I am too childish and immature for her. I think I may be hurtful for her. 

But what should we do? Should we remain friends with benefits until one of us gets into a committed relationship and then stop the benefit thing? Should we try to cut the sex/cuddling out and just be friends? Should we break contact completely, even though we both like each other and don't want to lose each other? 

 

I am so. Fucking. Stuck. And confused. This has been going on for a while now. Any good advice is highly appreciated. 

 

[outlandish]

I've been there, almost exactly the same kind of situation. It's really hard to give advice because everyone and every relationship is different. In my particular case, it ended up being really hard on my ex GF, I didn't realize it at the time but she was still in love with me and it really fucked with her heart. It also made it hard for me to move on, always having a "plan B" available when I chickened out of a new relationship, and doubting if I should have broken up with ex GF.

After I went through all that, I basically never went back in any subsequent relationships. I'm now of the philosophy that it's usually best to rip the bandaid off quickly and not look back. But I can't say that doing FWB with my ex was a mistake exactly, it was all part of the process, it was part of that particular situation, and an experience in life that I don't regret. Plus we had awesome FWB sex lol. 

[Lay_Zen_Licious]

@outlandish Thanks for the thoughtful and compassionate reply, that helped already. Maybe this is not sustainable and it will hurt even more in the long run. We texted today and she said she was open to getting back together, if things changed compared to the last time. I'm honestly thinking about it, maybe my needs of meeting other girls etc. are too selfish at the core. But am I ready to move to a higher stage? A kind of open relationship is also possible. Oh man, this is actually hard stuff to think about, as I'm not used to thinking "emotionally" lol

[Natasha]

@Lay_Zen_Licious Sounds to me like a case of co-dependency and it's not a healthy dynamic in a relationship. There was a reason why the split happened in the first place, so why do you think it's going to work the second time around?

[Lay_Zen_Licious]

@Natasha There are a few factors, that have changed. Firstly, we don't live together any more. Being around each other all the time really contributed to the problem. Secondly, one major problem was that she didn't really know what to do with herself, other than be around me. It was a total comfort zone and she got out of that now, doing a ton of new things. Thirdly, I noticed that it wasn't her who was holding me back, but myself ultimately, so I don't blame her any more. Also we talked about trying an open relationship so we can have other sexual experiences and sexual abundance and are not so needy any more. Don't know what you think about that, I know that especially girls often cringe at non-monogamous relationships. 

On the other hand, I want the open relationship thing more than her obviously, it seems like she's more in love or more attached to me than I am to her. Also, the root cause of our breakup was her insecurity due to my undecisiveness. My undecisiveness (as you can see from this post) is still not gone.

The main problem I have is that I don't know if I should be satisfied or not. She's actually a great partner, we understand each other at deeper levels, we support each other and she accepts my flaws. We are honest, we both still care for each other a lot and would sacrifice a lot to make each other happy. I always had the feeling that I am missing out of something and that I could have more. But perhaps this desire for more sex, more different women etc. leads to more suffering and emptiness and someday I'll notice that our relationship was good all along, that it just needed work. I don't know how things will turn out and what the right move is, and this is eating me alive... what do you think?

Edited August 1, 2019 by Lay_Zen_Licious

[NyctoManiac]

I would say go for having more sex with other girls and she doesn't need to know about that. If that's really your problem (needing different and new experiences) then it will be solved after a while. And if it isn't, you would know it and maybe get back to her more stable and assured. But if you don't try it and the thought never stops coming up again and again, how you gonna find out what's really the problem? and how you gonna live with it?

[Natasha]

@Lay_Zen_Licious From a female perspective, if you continue as FWB in an open relationship, it will be painful for her to watch you go out with other women and then when/if you two eventually part again. A woman is wired by evolution to want to feel special - one egg being competed for by a million sperms. That's an extent of how special a woman craves to feel to a man. She can't have that with you at the moment. If she was truly becoming more independent, she would not want to be a FWB material, simple as that. Especially after 4 years of being together. She won't be happy in an open relationship, so that should be a clue for you.

[JustThinkingAloud]

I fully understand that you need to be with other girls. I’ve seen number of relationships that broke up simply because one of them haven’t had enough dating experience and wanted to see what it is like with other people. As long as she knows what you’re doing, I think it’s ok and it’s up to her to decide what she wants to do about it.

Also, if I was you, I’d get as much dating experience as I can as quickly as I can so I can finally make a decision.

[Lay_Zen_Licious]

@Natasha I think you're right... thank you for your great advice, I think I'll tell her that we should stop this. We'll try to stay friends and stay in touch, but other than that we should first develop ourselves before even thinking of getting back together. 

[Lay_Zen_Licious]

@NyctoManiac That was my original plan but as it turns out, getting laid is not as easy for me as I thought it would be thanks for the advice though, I'll definitely get more experience, too

[Lay_Zen_Licious]

@JustThinkingAloud Thanks for the advice, yeah I'll definitely should make some new experiences. 

[DrewNows]

@Lay_Zen_Licious every relationship has something hidden to teach us about ourselves, often it’s only hidden from our current perspective. They tend to reflect on our early childhood experiences and learned ideas about how to interact and communicate with a partner.

Keep experiencing and you will grow to realize how you wish to define your role in relationships