Depression After Raising Awareness

[student]

Before I started all the enlightenment work, I was very mediocre, very "ok" with everything that was happening to me, the awareness on me was very, very low. I wasn't even conscious of the place I was, I wasn't conscious of... anything, so I was all right with everything that was going on, because I didn't had the capacity to see my anxieties, my fears.

And that was almost a year ago.

But after making "progress", my awareness raised and everything turned upside down. My anxieties and "problems" just came out and I see them very clearly, so everyday I am depressed. I became depressed, and this is happening from almost october. I'm facing my fears and anxieties and I don't know what to do. I need a guide.
I was thinking about raising my awareness more and just drop these fears, because it is just ego, an identification, but I'm also thinking about this shadow work, to just feel the sadness and ask myself why I give all these things importance.
But at the same time I feel it is all in vain, because I can't get rid of something that doesn't exist. Why asking if it doesn't exist?

And I started recently to be aware of the present, like, everytime... but all my anxieties are still there, even if i know they are just absurdities and without sense.

Everytime I feel like I'm moving in circles with this sadness... It is stupid that I can not do what I want because of these fears. They are preventing my creativity and my happiness.
When I wasn't conscious, even if I was miserable, I still was happy in some moments and had the creativity that now I'm struggling with to do something to come out. I observed it only comes out when I'm not thinking about myself, when I have no ego, so no anxieties and I just feel good with myself, I just let it all out, no identification.
But outside home(school, society), when I'm not alone, the calmness and egolessness that I have accomplished just go in vain.
I knew myself to be very energic, but now, I'm the opposite, and this is very depressing for me. I just want to let go...

[cetus]

 

@student

41 minutes ago, student said:

I was thinking about raising my awareness more and just drop these fears, because it is just ego, an identification

Your mind is messing with you in all kinds of ways. It's questioning it's own existence and putting up a huge fuss! Nothing more than that....Take your own advise and all is good.

Edited May 4, 2016 by cetus56

[Huz]

Try to teach yourself to not be afraid of being afraid and remember that this is perfectly natural.

Raising you awareness is like increasing the resolution powers on perceptions. You will start to see things that wasn't there prior. This is a shock to the ego. It was comfortable before, living life blindlessly but then BAMMMM!!!. You have opened a can of emotional worms that you have never tended to with low awareness, all your insecurities have arisen and are in plain sight.

See this as a beautiful thing, its the start of the purging process. Introspection and deep inner investigation is need to see why these anxeites are there. Look up some Teal Swan videos about limiting beliefs and how to deal with emotions. She gives good advice. Other spiritual teachers like Matt Khan, Rupert Spira etc deal with this effectively. 

Don't worry if you over think. So many people told me when I started this that I started to over think stuff, and I still do all a lot. Its because you are waking up, and you try to comprehend stuff with excess thoughts. Now heres the part where mediation comes in handy. I hugely recommend doing SDS and the do nothing technique simultaneously.  It naturally calms the minds (over a long period of time) and teaches you to accept completely whats going on in the present moment. If you are anxious and have monkey mind you will come to a point where you are not afraid of it but accept it, and some start to enjoy it. 

When a "negative" emotion arises, see this as a opportunity to raise you consciousness even higher. Don't get scared and neglect it, be FULLY present with it. If you naturally feel resistance then accept that too. Its all a happening which you are observing and not a part of. It is your body-mind's way of seeking acceptance and love. @Ayla said it very well in the post, give a read of what she says:

She discusses how to deal with this after a realisation, but its analogous to raising your consciousness.

Remember you are going the the right direction. 

Edited May 4, 2016 by Huz88

[cetus]

@Huz88   I'm sitting here reflecting on all this enlightenment work. It's a serious endeavor and nothing to take lightly when you really get into it. I guess it starts off as an interest or something different to go for. Or it could stem from an awakening that there is something bigger than ourselves. On the surface it appeals as something to "gain". But than the very ego self realizes what is really in store for itself and the reality of it hits you suddenly in the face. There is something to be gained, but first it's all about throwing out what has always been wrong in the first place. It's an uncovering process to dig deep to get to the truth that has been buried. That can be very difficult sometimes. It's a constant challenge of re-evaluating everything you thought you were. That's a radical change and change is the hardest thing to accept. To be able to say to yourself, "I was always wrong about how I viewed everything including myself. That will take anyone out of their comfort zone. My hat is off to all who stay the course and see it through. The world around us always has a pull on us too. Like the moon causing high tides in the ocean. It's a constant balancing act at all times.There is something very special about anyone who gives so much of themselves for something that has a value that most people may never understand in a lifetime. I just wanted to share a thought.......

[Huz]

3 hours ago, cetus56 said:

@Huz88   I'm sitting here reflecting on all this enlightenment work. It's a serious endeavor and nothing to take lightly when you really get into it. I guess it starts off as an interest or something different to go for. Or it could stem from an awakening that there is something bigger than ourselves. On the surface it appeals as something to "gain". But than the very ego self realizes what is really in store for itself and the reality of it hits you suddenly in the face. There is something to be gained, but first it's all about throwing out what has always been wrong in the first place. It's an uncovering process to dig deep to get to the truth that has been buried. That can be very difficult sometimes. It's a constant challenge of re-evaluating everything you thought you were. That's a radical change and change is the hardest thing to accept. To be able to say to yourself, "I was always wrong about how I viewed everything including myself. That will take anyone out of their comfort zone. My hat is off to all who stay the course and see it through. The world around us always has a pull on us too. Like the moon causing high tides in the ocean. It's a constant balancing act at all times.There is something very special about anyone who gives so much of themselves for something that has a value that most people may never understand in a lifetime. I just wanted to share a thought.......

And thank you for sharing it. I am still in the baby, baby steps of this journey and I can say it is very similar to what you have described. I started of because I was depressed/anxious and Leo introduced me to the concept. My ego was shocked when I first watched his videos but I was also obsessed. I couldn't stop thinking about it and it was taking over my life at university. My ego saw it as an escapism for it to be happy and rid it self of the depression. But as the practice deepend it realised that its destroying itself and the depression started again. I always wondered why should i be doing this? is it real or am i wasting time? But I had a glimpse into the truth whilst doing Neti Neti and it became so clear that I need to follow through on this. After the glimpse (only for about 5-10secs) my ego kicked in and was telling me what you experienced was a lie and you were imaging it. The monkey mind went crazy that day, and all my insecurities hit me like a ton of bricks. I was on the verge of giving up again. It is because of this forum that I am able to persevere, with people like you sharing insights about enlightenment. 

The thing i have found really tough about this work is that it has distanced myself from some of my family and friends. My relationship with my dad is separating. I told him after uni I am going to live at a monastery for a year and he replies by saying, "you wasting time, I want you to have a good life, why you taking a step backwards, this is all confusing to me why are you doing it, I am losing a son, don't you want to be happy in life". That part I also find very challenging and struggling to cope with at the moment. They find it hard to understand what I am doing, and I don't blame them because if I was in their shoes I would think "this guy is on crack". 

Whats good at this moment is that I have come to the point where I am wise enough to see the potential it has for my life. Meaning its cemented in me, and I will continue for the rest of my life. I hope other people on here read this and do the same.

 

Edited May 4, 2016 by Huz88

[Huz]

2 hours ago, cetus56 said:

There is something very special about anyone who gives so much of themselves for something that has a value that most people may never understand in a lifetime.

I love that statement

To me its very poetic

 

[Falken]

I can relate to you in many many ways @Huz88, especially about the alienation regarding parents and friends. This has lead me to many depressive episodes as well but something inside me always tells me that this is what I really want to pursue to the extent that i would probably never give up the search because that would be boring and depressing in itself. When I'm talking about the search I don't just mean enlightenment but the spiritual path as a whole, finding my inner child, etc.

[Huz]

@Falken  At least we got each other 

[xXxXx]

@student

This is a normal stage you're in. You become aware of your anxiety, which is quite overwhelming in the first place, keep the awareness up and don't be reactive about it (e.g. getting frustrated about it).

Examine the feeling as deep as possible and guide yourself to the realization that suffering of this condition is a choice. You choose how you interpret this anxiety related phenomena, by labeling it "negative" you create suffering (= psychological friction; because you try to resist). As next step i would recommend you work on your judgements. Try to open your mind by not labeling the phenomena you encounter, live through them without the idea of "good" or "bad". It is a paradoxon, merging with it results in liberation, opposing it will lead to reinforcement.

As mentioned before, a very effective way to get rid of labeling things is a SDS (strong determination sitting). You will realize that pain, anxiety and related conditions just are and unpleasantness about it is created solely by you. Facing it directly will toughen your mind, you can realize that you feed the monsters you're running from, you only have to starve them out by neutral observation.