Marriage or Not Marriage? This is the question!

[Uncover]

Hi,

I'll keep it short. My girlfriend said that she will never want marriage or children because it will only complicate her life. She said she had cases in her family where some relatives of her were together happy and not married. And they divorced once they married because it brought a lot of problems. I'm a christian at roots and for me it'll be normal to be married. In my eyes it'll also create a stronger bond between the couple, but she says it won't, quite the opposite. Not to mention that o lot of couples choose not to marry nowadays.

So, what do you think? Is this better not to marry? 

Gratefully,

Uncover

[Matt8800]

@Uncover As someone who was married three times and now is currently unmarried but in an amazing, 5 year committed relationship with my 2nd wife, DONT GET MARRIED!!

[Shadowraix]

I'm on the no marry side in my life but I acknowledge those who choose to do it. 

To me a relationship where one is free to leave with as little hassle as possible and yet chooses not to is more significant than one who has a bunch of barriers preventing them from leaving and potentially may feel like they can't if they want to. Relationships aren't guaranteed to last forever and that's ok to me, I don't want them to have a bunch of legal and financial barriers as well as the divorced label. I find it weird that law needs to get involved to make it stronger unless you just want tax benefits. 

The significance of marriage is whatever you choose to put into it. 

[Natasha]

@Uncover Not sure if you're familiar with Spiral Dynamics, but marriage based on religious conviction is Stage Blue, while your GF sounds like she might be Stage Green on this matter. Green is 2 stages more advanced than Blue. Quite a gap in value system/psychological evolution.

Leo has good videos on each stage, if you're interested in checking those out.

[dinone]

If you both want kids, and direct yours life in that way i say go for it. But in your case, there is no purpose in marriage with that woman. You like more stage blue values, nothing is wrong with that. Good luck man!

 

[JustThinkingAloud]

I had a very bad 7 year marriage and 18 year wonderful relationship without being married. I don’t want to get married again because what happened to me is that very quickly after the wedding my ex started taking me for granted. He didn’t try to make it a good relationship any more, he thought that I’m stuck with him so he can do whatever he wants to me. Anyways, marriage changes things and you better be sure that it’s towards better before you do it.

[Shadowraix]

20 minutes ago, JustThinkingAloud said:

I had a very bad 7 year marriage and 18 year wonderful relationship without being married. I don’t want to get married again because what happened to me is that very quickly after the wedding my ex started taking me for granted. He didn’t try to make it a good relationship any more, he thought that I’m stuck with him so he can do whatever he wants to me. Anyways, marriage changes things and you better be sure that it’s towards better before you do it.

Amazing how true colors only show in such a situation. Glad you dodged the bullet sooner or later. 

[JustThinkingAloud]

10 minutes ago, Shadowraix said:

Amazing how true colors only show in such a situation. Glad you dodged the bullet sooner or later. 

Thank you

And yes, it's all about learning from s**t and not doing it again haha

[DrewNows]

18 minutes ago, Keyhole said:

I'm with her on that.
My parents divorced when I was 6, and got together again at 15 yrs of age, but never remarried.  They are more like friends now, who argue all the time.  

I’m sorry to hear that, mine divorced when I was 6 yo too, tried to rekindle a few times after when I was around 10-11 yo. They could never stop fighting/arguing either ?

[DrewNows]

23 minutes ago, Keyhole said:

@DrewNows It can be hard to let go of someone/thing even if it isn't good for you - I relate to couples who argue a lot.

Reparenting (ourselves) is a must! 

23 minutes ago, Keyhole said:

My dad has a great sense of humour (he is an entp) and can make a joke out of my mother's behavior.  One time, she was fighting for a check, and he started mock waving his hands in the air, and they started doing this:

? oh boy, imagine if you’d started cheering one of them on ?

Edited August 1, 2019 by DrewNows

[Commodent]

In my view marriage only offers a false sense of security. So if you want to live an honest life I'd say it's better not to get married.

[Shaun]

I'd say avoid marriage and kids. Life is much simpler and easier that way. 

[mandyjw]

I got married when I was 20, and have been married for 10 years at the end of this month. No regrets. I'm not sure if I'd recommend that other people should or shouldn't get married, you'll know what's right for you. 

[Lubomir]

18 hours ago, Shaun said:

I'd say avoid marriage and kids. Life is much simpler and easier that way. 

With marriage I get it, but with kids? I'm 24 and I need to say that I'm getting bombarded by my mind about kids. Just simple thoughts about how it might be with/without them.

But to the topic...

I'm in relationship with my longtime friendfor about half year. I met her at my university in philosophy course (ofcourse) 4 years ago. Since then we both changed a lot and now we are together and we talk about marriage all the time, in terms of how it change the relationship if people are not aware of that. For us, the main reason is that you will take the other one for granted as someone said there already. Also you will probably see yourselfs every goddam day, which can lead to not be interested in things that both of you do, because you will probably do the same things over and over everyday (work, hobbyes, friends, etc). But with kids you should live together, I know that  
So I'm at the side of "No marriage" right now...

Oh, also! Every person needs to be alone for some time, have his personal space, where he isn't "bothered" by others...

Edited August 3, 2019 by Lubomir

[Elham]

It's not the marriage that makes any difference, it's your understanding of marriage.

I think people who dont want to marry are actually afraid of commitment! They afraid to get stuck with one person forever because of a commitment they have made on a paper. 

They don't want to be forced to stay with someone. Although brrakup and divorce are one thing, people want to leave whenever they want without breaking any oath!!! 

However all these concepts seem to be the same, people draw a huge and dramatic line between them!

[Elham]

23 hours ago, Shaun said:

I'd say avoid marriage and kids. Life is much simpler and easier that way. 

Not all people prefer a simpler life!

[hamedsf]

don't expect someone would come and say that marriage is good or bad (in a dualistic way) because it's your preference at the end of the day.

but speaking of my case, I'd like to prefer not to marry and have kids, it's completely outdated notion for me and I understand that what your girlfriend is trying to express and trying to be true to your love out of wedlock.

most of the time, a person is immensely afraid of their own loneliness and solitude of their future and that's why they choose to get married and have kids. 

[Shadowraix]

@Elham That paper also carries a huge financial and social burden if it fails. Saves the pain on both people to avoid it. Even if you stayed committed. 

You could also see marriage as a fear of impermanence. Needing to lock someone down for security. 

I don't think I could ever wish such burdens above and feeling trapped if it was no longer mutual. People change and grow. How would one reconcile commitment and impermanence? To me probably to commit for as long as your intuition tells you it's the path for you. 

[Shaun]

On 03/08/2019 at 0:55 PM, Elham said:

Not all people prefer a simpler life!

You could also save enough money to buy the new 2020 Tesla Roadster by not having kids. Reserve yours now.