Dates going well, but texting not?

[Marinus]

@Natasha You are right, I tried it out immediately and I think I might know now why I get triggered and get anxious about that girls behaviour.

I get anxious about the thoughts that I feel rejected by someone I like, unsure about a girls feelings for me and losing that girl. I connected it to a past experience that I had with my mother.

In the divorce I abandoned my mother  for a year due to extreme stress I experienced of my parents' divorce. I couldn't handle it anymore emotionally. There was a time I helped my grandmother to move some stuff to my mother which my father asked of us. I was 17 or 18 and I thought I was doing the right thing to help my father and my mother by doing it myself in order to prevent a huge conflict between my parents. I felt responsible and I wanted to protect my parents from each other.

When I put all the stuff in front of my mother's house she opened the door and approached me(I didn't know if she was home or not. At that time I had no contact with her which was a choice of mine. I was afraid to face my mother at that time I wasn't strong enough emotionally.)

My mother became enraged with me and was calling me names which she hadn't done before in my whole life. I never called my parents' names and I vowed to never do this out of respect for them. My mother was raging like crazy and I was in shock I didn't know how to handle this situations. She was trying to hurt my grandma out of rage and those two never got along well. My mother said she didn't want to see me for the coming 5 years. I didn't see this as an act of emotion, rather as the truth. At that time never really understood my emotions so I thought she meant what she said. From that time on I really thought I lost my mother forever and when she acted like that at that time I felt like a ghost, like if some part of my soul was destroyed and gone. 

The time when I was 17-20 were the worst ones of my life and they led me to this community, so thx divorce hahaha. Luckily my relationship with my mother is good at the moment and she does her best to help me anyway she can. Now I have done the shadow exercise I feel better by knowing I experienced way worse in the past.

 

[Natasha]

@Marinus Thank you for sharing your inner work findings. So you developed Anxious-Preoccupied attachment to female figures in your life (charts below). You want to work towards the Secure attachment style now. Check out Briana MacWilliams YT vids, she's my favorite coach on attachment styles and how to become more Secure attached

 

[universe]

On 6.8.2019 at 11:46 AM, Marinus said:

I just have to give up and let her chase me instead and if she doesn't than she was never really that interested.

Wrong, you are the man. You do the chasing. In general. Not saying it isnt possible the other way around. She might as well be insecure and think you dont really want her. As a man you should be comfortable with showing interest without being needy. I want her instead of I need her. Persistence is king.

She can always say no, but if you already give up 1 meter after the start line dont expect to finish.

 

Quote

I really want to not care about this, but I do. I can start day-gaming again, but that feels shallow and a waste of time.

If you go out tomorrow and talk to this cute lady, share each others views on the world, form a deep connection and later marry her, get kids and get old together. How is that shallow and a waste of time? You need to set the right motivation and expectation.

 

Look Ive been there done that. If you really think this fear riddled person with tons of limiting beliefs is the authentic you, then fine. Never change.

Edited August 9, 2019 by universe

[Marinus]

@universe If she is insecure about it what do you suggest ? I won't be able to date her this month and she doesn't like texting and calling. Before I left her last time she told me I could call her if there was anything (she means if I need someone to talk to when I struggle with something). And listening to my problems which I interpreted this way, because we have similar family issues (both broken souls, I know not the nicest topic to talk about). Why would she propose this?

Edited August 9, 2019 by Marinus

[SFRL]

3 hours ago, Marinus said:

@universe If she is insecure about it what do you suggest ? I won't be able to date her this month and she doesn't like texting and calling. Before I left her last time she told me I could call her if there was anything (she means if I need someone to talk to when I struggle with something). And listening to my problems which I interpreted this way, because we have similar family issues (both broken souls, I know not the nicest topic to talk about). Why would she propose this?

You should not start talking about all sorts of heavy deep troublesome problems with a girl you are dating/trying to date until you have well established a relationship with her. Like 3 to 6 months in. And even then it can not be the main focus. 

You got to keep it light and fun. People got enough troubles already.