Dates going well, but texting not?

[Marinus]

So had two dates with a girl who I think is really nice which both took 8 hours. The dates went very well, but one thing is bothering me and that's her investment in texting. Whenever we text it takes her hours (3 to 12) to reply for almost every text. This behavior was there from the start and still is and on one occasion she forgot to read my message and replied 3 days later and said she was sorry. 

In this phone obsessed world I think this is odd behavior. I don't make mistakes anymore of replying to early so I also wait hours but not as long (even though I think it's just stupid to do this)

We had chemistry on the dates and we already kissed and cuddled, but the way we text feels off. She has ADD which maybe has to do something with this. She however agreed to go on a third date which will probably end with me staying over at her place (because I don't have a bus back to my town).

Why would someone behave like this and meanwhile having meaningful dates? And the "having a life" excuse is just a dumb saying, because many people have their phone clued to their hands.

[Natasha]

@Marinus From a female perspective, there are 3 things that might be going on (individually or in a combination):

1. She is not very attracted to you and has a level of indifference that shows through her texting with you.

Reason - her disrespect towards you.

2. She's playing mind games (hard to get) making you wait for no reason just to have an upper hand and make you wonder and chase.

Reason - her insecurities.

3. ADD causing her to be easily distracted and forgetful.

Reason - related to her mental condition.

All 3 are potential red flags, so tread carefully.

 

 

[DrewNows]

10 minutes ago, Natasha said:

@Marinus From a female perspective, there are 3 things that might be going on (individually or in a combination):

1. She is not very attracted to you and has a level of indifference that shows through her texting with you.

Reason - her disrespect towards you.

2. She's playing mind games (hard to get) making you wait for no reason just to have an upper hand and make you wonder and chase.

Reason - her insecurities.

3. ADD causing her to be easily distracted and forgetful.

Reason - related to her mental condition.

All 3 are potential red flags, so tread carefully.

 

 

Wow, love this ?

[Forestluv]

I agree with the above listed possibilities as being likely and that they would be red flags. I think there is another possibility that she might just be oriented that way. I dated someone for a while in which we only texted a few times each week. At first, the low volume texting was somewhat bothersome (high volume texting would also be bothersome to me) - yet that was just our dynamics. Early on, I may have texted something like “how did your presentation go?” and not hear back for three days. We settled into something in which we didn’t share our daily activities via text and it worked ok. . . .I’ve also dated other women in which long response times was problematic. I would text asking if she would like to get together this weekend and not hear back for three days. In that context, it’s a concern for me. I’m siting around for days holding off on other plans and holding up other people with “maybe I can”, as I wait for her to respond. Not a very healthy dynamic. 

[Marinus]

@Natasha Thx, those were all reasons I could come up with. She told me that her ex was playing mind games on her and she didn't like that. It would seem strange that she want's to date me a third time if she is not attracted to me, because she told me thing like that she likes me, that she likes my body shape. I learned that what women say is based on how they feel, so maybe feelings change when a person isn't around any more.

On the second date she was more nervous in general and we got to her place. We also talked a  lot about sex and she told me she would be nervous to do that with me, a couple of minutes later I made a move like touching and kissing, but she became very nervous and didn't expect me to make a move probably because I don't have much experience with doing this and I appear shy to the outside world.

 

[Natasha]

3 minutes ago, Serotoninluv said:

.I’ve also dated other women in which long response times was problematic

That's why they are past history. Lesson to the OP.

 

[Marinus]

@Serotoninluv Were your date experiences itself high quality? I wonder if calling would work better.

The problem if she likes me is that it will become a LDR if things get good and it would suck if this dynamic would be like this.

[Aeris]

18 minutes ago, Natasha said:

@Marinus From a female perspective, there are 3 things that might be going on (individually or in a combination):

1. She is not very attracted to you and has a level of indifference that shows through her texting with you.

Reason - her disrespect towards you.

2. She's playing mind games (hard to get) making you wait for no reason just to have an upper hand and make you wonder and chase.

Reason - her insecurities.

3. ADD causing her to be easily distracted and forgetful.

Reason - related to her mental condition.

All 3 are potential red flags, so tread carefully.

 

 

add could aswell makes you overtexting.

HEY Am I a redflag ?

 

 

[Marinus]

@Aeris I don't think so, I mirror her behavior as much as possible even if I don't like to do this. the last two weeks we texted about 3 subjects which were limited texts. And all else is trying to set up date number 3 which is tomorrow.

[Natasha]

9 minutes ago, Marinus said:

She told me that her ex was playing mind games on her and she didn't like that.

Go by what she does, not what she says. If she was played by her ex, she might have developed a mild case of PTSD and her current texting habits likely a reflection of that (falls into my point 2 above).

LDRs suck. Try to find someone within your zip-code area.

[Marinus]

@Aeris To be honest I don't even like texting, I prefer human interaction. This medium is a shitty way to express emotions and a slow way of communication.

[Aeris]

27 minutes ago, Marinus said:

@Natasha Thx, those were all reasons I could come up with. She told me that her ex was playing mind games on her and she didn't like that. It would seem strange that she want's to date me a third time if she is not attracted to me, because she told me thing like that she likes me, that she likes my body shape. I learned that what women say is based on how they feel, so maybe feelings change when a person isn't around any more.

On the second date she was more nervous in general and we got to her place. We also talked a  lot about sex and she told me she would be nervous to do that with me, a couple of minutes later I made a move like touching and kissing, but she became very nervous and didn't expect me to make a move probably because I don't have much experience with doing this and I appear shy to the outside world.

 

first time I got a girl, she just wanted to fuck me, like whatever I was talking about she wasn't caring, she just wanted to fuck me. -and now I was ready, cause I focused too much on myself on the point to forget relation with people. ( working too hard on self improvement and enlightment )

we got to her place, and she naked herself 5 minutes later. I mean she was not playing mind game LOL  not at all, I was almost even deceive. ( find girls who knows what the fuck they want ( and YOURSELF TOO, especially YOU )

I'll not push details, but it was very hot and not weird, very fluid haha, she didn't notice, and I even make her get an orgasm ( all my friends believe I m a liar, this is even better to me to be called a liar, it means that I worked so good on myself that what I m doing is not even believe-able )

I didn't feel lesser or what I totaly didn't give a fuck on my level of relation:sex and all that ( I was "nothing" ), I trusted my self so hard to be god experiencing reality at this moment. I could even say that I was in sort of a blank state of mind. Like if I was on a lesser psychedelics. I m still in the gate and in the process, but my mind is very stable now.

 

" be present and stop the neurotic thinking when it happen, catch it when it start and destroy it like a true master, feel like a god."

girls can smell confidence against fear. ( I would believe so ) even if they are not "consciously aware of" people can have a sense of your inner energy just by being around you.

 

attract to you the girl you need, not the girl you want, and believe me I come from far, I got my first relations with girls at 25. ( I m 25 )

I m talking from myself, hope something in there to help

 

/ now I m in a very healthy relationship though with a girl I truly like since 6 months.

Edited July 29, 2019 by Aeris

[Natasha]

1 minute ago, Marinus said:

I prefer human interaction

Not going to happen in a LDR. You're setting yourself up for a future disappointment.

[Marinus]

@Natasha Maybe you are right about her PTSD. The distance isn't that far (+-2 hours by train), but the public traffic makes it expensive and difficult to me in my current condition to do it often. 

[Marinus]

@Aeris Sounds magical hahaha.

Honestly I think I have a problem with love and connection. I experienced a lot of stress for at least 3 years when my parents divorced and they both used me for their own benefit. Before this I had no relationship experience.

Deep inside me I think nobody is trustworthy and that I don't deserve to be loved by others. This fucked me up and I tried pick up as a cure, but it doesn't solve my problems hence being neurotic.

Edited July 29, 2019 by Marinus

[Natasha]

@Marinus I'm not saying don't go on dates with her, just realize this is not going to be a potential long term.

[Forestluv]

@Marinus

Every dynamic is different. This is just my impression: it sounds like you have interest in progressing forward at a certain pace that is not aligned with hers. She mentioned something about her ex playing mind games as a reason for her behavior. My concern is that she is projecting an unhealthy aspect of her previous relationship(s) onto you and your relationship. If a woman was distancing her self from me because her ex was a manipulative gaslighter, that would be a red flag and concern me, because it ime it goes much deeper. I’ve dated women in which her exes where living rent-free in our relationships and it got frustrating and tiresome to keep saying “well I’m not your ex Ted and I’m not lying to you right now to manipulate you like he did”. It was a very unhealthy dynamic for communication because my words and behavior went through a filter of manipulate exes and it cloudied our communication. This can go deep. For example, it is deeply hurtful to tell your lover that you love them and they don’t believe you because their ex used to say that manipulatively. 

I wouldn’t be too concerned about the hesitance to sex. Having sex early in a relationship can change the dynamics. It just depends on the person. I’ve dated women that I really liked and it felt best to take things slow and get to know each other better - to build a foundation first. I would be much more concerned about her seeing you through the lens of manipulative exes. This conditioning can run deep and she may not be emotionally available. I’ve been on both sides of it. I dated a narcissist and it took me a year of being single and working through things before I was ready to be in a healthy relationship again.

With that said, none of us is 100% pure and healthy. We all have some type of issue going on. If I connected with someone in multiple areas, I wouldn’t bolt at the first sign of trouble. I’d be cautious and observant to the degree of the issue and how open we are about resolving it and moving on. Perhaps, after a few more dates she becomes comfortable with you, trust is built and the ex fades into the background. Or perhaps this dynamic persists and rears it’s head in multiple areas of the relationship.

As well, her interest in an LDR may also be reflective that you are at a distance and there is safety and comfort in that, which wouldn’t be good.

Generally when two people like each other, they want to get to know each other better. She doesn’t seem to be showing much interest. She could be saying “I’m not into texting, but how about we talk on the phone or Skype?”

As a test, you could mention that texting doesn’t seem to be the best mode of communication and offer to talk via phone or Skype. If she is excited by that possibility, my concern would decrease and I’d give it a shot. If she is lukewarm to the idea and just goes through the motions, my concern would double and I would re-evaluate things. In this case, the odds of it working out long term would extremely low and I would shift a short term dating mindset or change direction  and look for someone else.

[Marinus]

@Natasha @Serotoninluv Thx for the advice, I will be cautious. 

Fortunately I'm a very honest and authentic person which people notice and appreciate in me. I radiate it and people feel safe and relaxed in my presence. I hope this will help me hahaha.

[Aeris]

16 minutes ago, Marinus said:

@Aeris Sounds magical hahaha.

 

you too can get it man when you start believing in yourself, but this is an hardwork and there is darkness to fight inside,

but this whole forum, leo & personnal reading and short introspection of my own condition in reality while on psychedelics, does helped me, or

I think they did and that's kind of the same to me, I cannot prove, but I m 100% sure that I purged most of my wrong internal thinking. ( still have some )

instead of the pattern of "everything could be wrong" ,I was into, " being present & reflect for the best " sort of. I don't know if you can catch me, I m talking about guts, it will never be perfect, and that's to accept aswell.

, this can be learned but hardly with 2 sentences of me, I m aware of it, that's an internal work until feeling lesser sounds like a logic non sense, learn about yourself until the idea of being lesser disapear.

good luck, but find another girl man

I don't think from my experience that after years of chasing without success, magnetism should be there at list a few in the start, or this will probably never work ( from personnal observation )

 

I was not trying to catch the most beautiful girl in town, I changed to try to find someone who works with me ( my gf, is close to a yellow/green paradigm very art/science ( just like me ) she is beautiful but that was not even my first thought when I started flirting, so it's easy to build a cool relation when you focus on others things than starting a neurotic relation )

It should work like water in a boil, not like a rock on your head

Edited July 29, 2019 by Aeris

[Natasha]

9 minutes ago, Marinus said:

@Natasha @Serotoninluv Thx for the advice, I will be cautious. 

Fortunately I'm a very honest and authentic person which people notice and appreciate in me. I radiate it and people feel safe and relaxed in my presence. I hope this will help me hahaha.

You're welcome. Try to think with the right head