Anyone else feels inauthentic when trying out new behaviors?

[Farnaby]

Hi everyone!

Recently I've been feeling much more connected to my "awareness/observer" dimension, more intuitive, more sensitive to the energetic changes in every situation, etc. When I'm in tune with this aspect of myself different things start to happen:

1) I know in advance how others will respond and how the energy that's present in a situation is going to change if I behave in different ways

2) I start asking myself if what I'm sensing is actually there or if it's some kind of delusion

3) I'm not reactive and can choose how to act. For example, if something feels off with my girlfriend, I can choose to act needy and insist on asking what's going on, etc., but I also know in advance that the outcome is not going to be satisfying for any of us. Since I know this, I can choose to not act needy and let things flow naturally.

The "problem" is I'm kind of starting to doubt who I really am and when is it that I'm being authentic. Usually my way of dealing with uncertainty, especially in relationships has been to ask until I get a satisfying and calming answer. Other times I've isolated myseld and reached out to videogames, etc. So whenever I choose not to do this, my intuition tells me I'm doing the right thing, but since the uncertainty is still causing me discomfort, it feels kind of fake to not act out in a needy way and act as if everything is OK.

Has anyone else experienced this?

[Oliver Saavedra]

That discomfort is obligatory, with change comes that discomfort.

It is made of a combination of dislike of doing things differently + fear of the uncertain. 

It's ok to feel it and it's brave of you to act according to what You know its right even when there's resistance.

Stay on the observer's point of view, watch the discomfort come and go, get used to it because it will be there forever. The more you practice feeling it and still acting right, the easier will be to keep on the right track.

[Farnaby]

15 hours ago, Oliver Saavedra said:

That discomfort is obligatory, with change comes that discomfort.

It is made of a combination of dislike of doing things differently + fear of the uncertain. 

It's ok to feel it and it's brave of you to act according to what You know its right even when there's resistance.

Stay on the observer's point of view, watch the discomfort come and go, get used to it because it will be there forever. The more you practice feeling it and still acting right, the easier will be to keep on the right track.

@Oliver Saavedra Thank you! I guess the discomfort is due to so many years identifying with specific personality traits and ways of doing things and thinking about life. 

Let's take insecurity for example. Insecurity has been something that I've identified with especially since I was a teenager. As a kid, I think I was less insecure (except at around 9 years old where I started to avoid eye contact, especially with adults).

So now, whenever I stay present with the insecurity and fear until it dissolves and then have the choice to embody a more secure attitude, I can't help but feel that that's not the real me, that the real me has been insecure for many years and it's not possible to get rid of it so fast. This makes me think of myself as phony and then I start to doubt myself again. It's a strange loop. 

It's like how I have felt towards positive self-talk for a long time. Whenever I considered changing my internal dialogue from a fear based one to a more positive one, I couldn't help but think that it was just a trick and an avoidance of my real nature. 

But then again, there's this deep intuition that I can embody different polarities (insecurity vs. security, etc.) and that none of them are more true than the others, it's just a matter of which ones have been more reinforced and that's something that can be unlearned. 

[loub]

you have developed a carefully crafted act for yourself that you have confused for an integral part of yourself and now changing the act feels like changing yourself.

Realize however that you are not the act but the observer behind it( this is a very worldly insight, not at all mystical) and that changing the act does not mean changing yourself. start changing your act with a very playful attitude and after encountering fear initially, you will feel the excitement and aliveness of spontaneity.

I can very much recommend Rick Carsons book "taming your gremlin" in which he lays out how to understand and overcome the deceptive force of your gremlin by this three step rule:

(1) Relax and simply notice

(2) Choose and play with options

(3) Stay in process

Additionally you might find the zen theory of change useful: I free myself not by trying to be free, but by simply noticing how I am imprisoning myself in the very moment I am imprisoning myself.

So just start changing your act a little and see what works for you. remember to keep it light and playful and don't think in terms of must, ought and should.

your writing displays great mindfulness btw, keep it up, best regards!

[possibilities]

You cannot be inauthentic if it comes from being. It’s impossible. 

[JustThinkingAloud]

You are the way you act. Because you’re in the process of changing, it still doesn’t feel authentic. Once you created a habit of acting the new way, you’ll start doing it without thinking and it will become very authentic.

[Knock]

@loub Wow, lovely response, I really resonated with what you wrote. 

[Farnaby]

On 29/7/2019 at 1:43 PM, loub said:

you have developed a carefully crafted act for yourself that you have confused for an integral part of yourself and now changing the act feels like changing yourself.

Realize however that you are not the act but the observer behind it( this is a very worldly insight, not at all mystical) and that changing the act does not mean changing yourself. start changing your act with a very playful attitude and after encountering fear initially, you will feel the excitement and aliveness of spontaneity.

I can very much recommend Rick Carsons book "taming your gremlin" in which he lays out how to understand and overcome the deceptive force of your gremlin by this three step rule:

(1) Relax and simply notice

(2) Choose and play with options

(3) Stay in process

Additionally you might find the zen theory of change useful: I free myself not by trying to be free, but by simply noticing how I am imprisoning myself in the very moment I am imprisoning myself.

So just start changing your act a little and see what works for you. remember to keep it light and playful and don't think in terms of must, ought and should.

your writing displays great mindfulness btw, keep it up, best regards!

@loub Thank you, I really resonated with everything you said and I'm definitely going to check out that book. 

I feel as if sometimes I imprison myself in sneaky ways. For example, let's say I'm not feeling too much passion towards my girlfriend in a situation where I think this passion should be there. Would you say that getting attached to that thought ("I should be feeling sexual right now and if I don't it means something bad is going on") is a way of imprisoning myself and actually hindering the possibility of connecting with my sexual desire? 

On 29/7/2019 at 2:15 PM, possibilities said:

You cannot be inauthentic if it comes from being. It’s impossible. 

@possibilities Thanks for your response. Could you elaborate a bit more on what you mean by "if it comes from being"?

 

18 hours ago, JustThinkingAloud said:

You are the way you act. Because you’re in the process of changing, it still doesn’t feel authentic. Once you created a habit of acting the new way, you’ll start doing it without thinking and it will become very authentic.

@JustThinkingAloud Thanks! I guess I'm so used to a concrete way of behaving and that's why it still doesn't feel authentic when I try out different ways of acting. 

[loub]

25 minutes ago, Farnaby said:

@loub Thank you, I really resonated with everything you said and I'm definitely going to check out that book. 

I feel as if sometimes I imprison myself in sneaky ways. For example, let's say I'm not feeling too much passion towards my girlfriend in a situation where I think this passion should be there. Would you say that getting attached to that thought ("I should be feeling sexual right now and if I don't it means something bad is going on") is a way of imprisoning myself and actually hindering the possibility of connecting with my sexual desire? 

@possibilities Thanks for your response. Could you elaborate a bit more on what you mean by "if it comes from being"?

 

@JustThinkingAloud Thanks! I guess I'm so used to a concrete way of behaving and that's why it still doesn't feel authentic when I try out different ways of acting. 

25 minutes ago, Farnaby said:

@loub Thank you, I really resonated with everything you said and I'm definitely going to check out that book. 

I feel as if sometimes I imprison myself in sneaky ways. For example, let's say I'm not feeling too much passion towards my girlfriend in a situation where I t

25 minutes ago, Farnaby said:

@loub Thank you, I really resonated with everything you said and I'm definitely going to check out that book. 

I feel as if sometimes I imprison myself in sneaky ways. For example, let's say I'm not feeling too much passion towards my girlfriend in a situation where I think this passion should be there. Would you say that getting attached to that thought ("I should be feeling sexual right now and if I don't it means something bad is going on") is a way of imprisoning myself and actually hindering the possibility of connecting with my sexual desire? 

@possibilities Thanks for your response. Could you elaborate a bit more on what you mean by "if it comes from being"?

 

@JustThinkingAloud Thanks! I guess I'm so used to a concrete way of behaving and that's why it still doesn't feel authentic when I try out different ways of acting. 

hink this passion should be there. Would you say that getting attached to that thought ("I should be feeling sexual right now and if I don't it means something bad is going on") is a way of imprisoning myself and actually hindering the possibility of connecting with my sexual desire? 

@possibilities Thanks for your response. Could you elaborate a bit more on what you mean by "if it comes from being"?

 

@JustThinkingAloud Thanks! I guess I'm so used to a concrete way of behaving and that's why it still doesn't feel authentic when I try out different ways of acting. 

I dont know how to quote on here and trying to do so I seem to have messed something up

Anyway, there does not seem to be much to add to your reflections. this problem appears very mind-made, however the solution does not lie in more thinking. That is what the author calls "grappling with your gremlin" and it is a sure way to give him all the power over yourself to make you miserable.

Instead be aware of what is going on and through that shine a new light on the problem and see if it actually holds any truth. If not (most likely outcome) you can try and act out anyway you want but (and this is very crucial) you now do it by choice.

to the fellow above who liked my reply I wanted to say thank you, I appreciate the feedback very much! I did not dare to quote again, however lol

[SFRL]

Yes it's ok. It's normal.