How to deal with specific coping mechanism?

[d0ornokey]

I noticed that to prevent myself from certain traits/attributes out of fear of them happening in my reality, I label that part of me as "not good enough" and suppress it. So then it becomes hard to express that part of me because I've immediately labelled that part of me as "not good enough"

Today while reading trip reports, I fell into this mode (first time ever) dreaming about wanting to be one with god, becoming infinite and boundless, discovering the true nature of reality etc. (I am on a 7ug microdose of LSD so that probably had a lot to do with it)

But I am really scared to get into non-duality (because of its implications on my life in its current state) and really want to take LSD to get insights on my regular life, so I got scared, labelled the part of me that desires spirituality "not good enough" and now shit, it's been suppressed 

It's extra bothering me because now when I take LSD I am scared that if I start to get insights, I will resist it and something bad would happen? I'm not sure. I know my friend resisted ego death and had a couple of bad months following suit 

I guess my questions are: 

1) how do I deal with such coping mechanism so that I don't suppress things. It actually works temporarily because whatever I am afraid of, I do stop 

2) How do I deal with this desire to see God? I don't really want to see it but what I do want to take LSD for the amazing wisdom on my life and reality 

Edited July 28, 2019 by d0ornokey

[Maya_0]

There is no coping mechanism. It's just fear of death.

It's true that dabbling in spirituality will provoke fear in the ego. The whole aim of spiritual path is to rub your ego down more and more until there is nothing left, which is enlightenment/ total selflessness.

So spirituality is a death process. You're afraid of the process in the same way you fear your "physical" death. Though in time, following the path, that fear will dissipate and will you see there is no such thing as "death", and was only your fabricated idea.

If you want to get started with psychedelics, you can take small amounts (as I see you have already done) You won't have an ego death on anything under 100ug. Or you can try mdma to start (I always recommend that as a starter to altered states of consciousness).

 

You have to have a burning desire for Truth and to see God. That is what will allow you to move past the fear. Surrender to the fear to move past it into Love.

❤

[d0ornokey]

@Maya_0 so what do i do? 

What do you mean by surrender? 

Currently the supressed emotion has resided in my ankle and knee and I'm literally limping (what the fuck)...

But I cant come to terms with this. I have too much on my plate to get into this non duality stuff. I dont want ANOTHER challenge in my life but I want to still take psychedelics for their awesome wisdom and healing 

[Maya_0]

By surrender I mean that you relax into the fear. You love it. And what is love but absolute acceptance of what is. Only then can you overcome it.

All the stuff on your plate is really just a distraction from nonduality and enlightenment work, even if you may not see it that way now. It's a life you've but up from your survival programming and fear of death. But it could be that it isn't the right time to begin the journey. If you ever reach the end, it will be the end of your life as you know it. So you have to be ok with that. Or maybe your not and so you'll remain in the dark.

[Forestluv]

@d0ornokey To me it sounds like a dosage and balance issue. The higher the dose, the more potential there is for experiences to arise that are difficult to integrate and can be destabilizing. Many of my higher dose trips were whacky and destabilizing and I reduced dosage. Many of my moderate dose trips yielded  insights and expanded my perspective.

Rather than a goal of “experiencing God”, I would explore having non-dual and mystical experiences. These are quite amazing. I would bump the dose up to the 20-50ug range a couple times. In this range, one is still grounded, yet can explore nondual experiences, like a collective conscious. And tons of insights, wisdom and inter-connections can be revealed. And it probably won’t trigger a major destabilizing identity crisis. . . .Perhaps combine it with mediation or time in nature. It may satisfy your curiosity. If you get grounded with this, you may want to try upping the dose once.

Nondual experiences are common at low to medium ranges, depending on the person. Higher doses surely will, yet I would not expect to have a pure clear “god-conscious / absolute infinity” experience by dosing high. I’d say I had about 30 trips or so of many nondual facets before I had a pure absolute infinity type experience.