Authentic Relationships

[Parththakkar12]

Hey everyone,

I have a bit of a predicament when I think about the kind of relationship I want. I want a relationship where I'm freely able to express myself to my partner and we're committed to each other's well being. Now, people keep saying that 'You shouldn't be a victim, just be confident bro! Pull yourself up by the bootstraps, work hard, man harder, fix yourself enough and one day, you'll succeed in getting laid /  finding a partner (whether the relationship works or not is another matter entirely!).' That's like a Spiral Dynamics Stage Orange way of looking at Dating.

However, I do have inner child aspects of myself which feel like a victim and which need to be seen, accepted and nurtured in a primary relationship. That's one important aspect of having an authentic relationship. Also, if you adopt the attitude towards yourself of fixing yourself, that's kinda a self-hating approach, isn't it? People talk about self-love, especially in the context of attracting relationships.

Now, I'm not saying that being a victim is particularly helpful, nor am I advocating such an approach. But, as a self-actualization community, why do we hate and bully victims more? Do we really think it'll help them? Is it an attitude you'd take towards yourself?

Also, say you suppress the parts of you which feel like a victim as hard as you possibly can. You finally enter a relationship, and then these aspects of you start to show themselves. What then?

I'm not just pointing to a problem here. I have a solution. Which is, to see complainers and victims as your children (externally and internally) and treat them as such. This requires a profound level of empowerment on our part as members of a self-actualization community.

[Gili Trawangan]

I'm going to talk about the internal part, because I don't have experience with doing any of this with other people.

Inner-child work is valuable, in my opinion. Yes, it is accepting the part of your ego that feels like a victim, or unworthy, or whatever else. This acceptance, when "practiced" enough, expands consciousness. 

Ultimately it comes down to full acceptance, which is already what you are (awareness). That's why ultimately acceptance is not a practice.

But if this hasn't been realized yet, by all means take some time to talk to your inner-child. Close your eyes and imagine that child, talk to it, ask it questions, embrace him/her, go into difficult memories, change them, show your inner-child that he/she is loved. This can be quite healing.

[JustThinkingAloud]

Isn’t it all about growing and developing ourselves to become who we want to be? Yes, it’s like a child but every child eventually grows up and becomes an adult. I don’t believe that we have to be perfect, we all have our faults but if it’s something that’s stopping you from getting what you want, you’re much better off fixing it than supporting it. It’s all up to you.

[bejapuskas]

Putting in more love and acceptance helps  

[Elisabeth]

 

 

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7 hours ago, Parththakkar12 said:

I'm not just pointing to a problem here. I have a solution. Which is, to see complainers and victims as your children (externally and internally) and treat them as such. This requires a profound level of empowerment on our part as members of a self-actualization community.

I love it  

I feel one caveat, and that is, sometimes we also tend to see children as 'less than', less experience and mature in all areas. While the person complaining might be you, or even someone more evolved then you in other areas :), just right now, they are in victim mode. So if the child analogy works for you, use it, if not, you might think of a friend who's temporarily lost and doesn't see options or something similar. 

Empowerment is a great English word that I don't know how to translate in my own language. Victims need to feel empowerment. That's for sure. 

[Parththakkar12]

Another thing I just realized about this : When people who feel disempowered and victimized don't trust the empowered people to take care of them, that's not a good sign! It leads to creation of an 'us vs them' mob mentality and echo-chamber type effects. Sound familiar? Yes I am referring to the incel community and why they turn a blind ear to constructive advice, and why they demonize who they perceive to be 'empowered people in the dating scene' so to speak. (Btw, parallels can be drawn in situations like poor people demonizing the rich, etc)

We're a social species and we need to take care of each other. If people who feel disempowered feel like the mainstream society is trustworthy (within reasonable measure) on an emotional level, they'll be willing to be vulnerable about how they really feel instead of turning it into a weapon. Once that happens, whether they make progress or not (that's dependent on how empowered they feel), one thing is certain, that we won't see mass shootings on these lines anymore!