Trip Nr. 9 375ug AL-LAD - emotional maturation

[Mihael Keehl]

1) Preparation & intention

• I cleaned my room
• Went outside and did Yoga for 1-2 hours
• Bought some food for later
• For training and documentation purposes, I recorded a video where I talked about:
  • My general feelings towards this session
  • something what Terence Mckenna called the 'examination of conscience'
  • My intention
• My Intention was to work through repressed emotions, processing past trauma and reconnecting with my authentic self, because I felt that I have lost touch with that. I was also hoping to get some instructions or a direction that I need to go because I felt a little bit lost.
• Setting: alone in my appartement, laying on my bed listening to music

 

2) The come up

As I was laying still just listening to the playlist, I began to feel the music more and more until I could not help but move to it until I just started rolling around in my bed. I can not remember the transition phase but suddenly I was overcome by an intense energy. In one moment I was moving to the sound, enjoying the music and in the next moment I was screaming into my blanket and punching my pillows. It was a very strong anger energy that took over me. Then sadness and guilt joined the party and all these intense emotions where first aimed towards myself, for not being able to be who I really am, but also at society and life in general and then towards nothing particular, just pure emotion.

 

3) Perinatal phase

These emotions where accompanied by physical body movements that looked like I was reliving my birth process. My neck was very weak and my head just hung around withouth the support of neck muscles. Furthermore I was crawling on my fours and it seemed like I was trying to crawl in or out of something. Stanislaf Grof says in one of his books that this is not uncommon in LSD psychotherapy and that the birth process is probably the biggest trauma that every person has. Interesting was also that this body movements, I already experienced in a previous trip. It seemes like I did not worked through it completely so it keepes coming up again, which is also common.

 

4) More healing

At some point, during my crawling around crying and being angry phase, I experienced something which can be described as repressed negative emotions which manifested in my throat and nose area. I suddenly had a lot of spit and mucus coming from my mouth ant nose. I did not expected something like that to happen so I just spited right into my blankets and pillows and cleaned my nose all over my bed. Later, as I gained some cognition back, I quickly grabbed a blanket and a bucket and put it right next to my bed. I remember one time when I was experiencing this overwhelming sensations of emotions, body movements and purging as I was laying on the ground and asking "what the fuck is happening!?" It was definetly the most intense experience I have ever had on a psychedelic. Now I definetly found the right dose for me.

 

5) Confusion and slight paranoia

After the peak when I was able to stand up, there was a moment of utter confusion. I did not remember why I took LSD what LSD does or how I ended up here. I remembered my intention but it somehow made no sense to me. Spirituality, psychotherapy, healing, being authentic - none of this concepts I could understand aymore. There were even a few paranoid thoughts. But fortunately I could manage this confusion very well, I trusted that my cognitive abilities will eventually come back so I decided to go to the kitchen and eat some fruit as I was waiting for the confusion to pass. When I opened my refrigerator and saw the delicious fruit that I have prepared, all worries where gone. I had prepared an insane amount of differnt delicious fruit. By the way, I reccomend you to try putting grapes into the refrigerator, especially on warm days, you can thank me later.

So I ate fruit, put my favourite music on and enjoyed life, completely forgetting the confusion or that it was even a problem.

 

6) Last few hours

The last few hours of the trip where spend listening to music, cleanig my nose and throat and drawing a picture with crayons. I remember on my way to go for a walk outside I looked into the mirror and I looked like I had just returned from a fight. I was physically and mentaly exhausted but at the same time I was feeling extremely good.

It was also very clear to me what I needed to do next in life. I needed to talk to my sister and my mother about what I am going through, what I struggle with and tell them that I take psychedelics, because until this point it was like I had a secret life, where I did things that I can not talk to anybody with. At the end, around midnight, I went outside to catch fresh air.

 

7) Life after the trip

Two days after this experience I met my sister and her husband and we went into a beautiful park. I was finally able to tell them what I struggle with and that I take psychedelics for 1,5 years and do 'psychedelic psychotherapy'. They received it very good, we had a great conversation and a beautiful day. My sister even told me that my voice has changed. The Next day I called my mother and also talked to her about it which went also great.

Life feels more like a flow now and less like something I need to work through. Insecurities and overthinking decreased dramaticaly, almost fanished. I am able to reconnect with some friends that I had lost touch with. I am thrilled to start working on my life purpose and slowly escaping wage slavery. It feels like I have matured emotianlly 5-10 years during this trip. Even if it is still just the afterglow effect and I will eventually fall back to old patterns, I do not worry because I still have enough supply for a few years A new life chapter begins.

 

8) Some additional things to keep in mind for the next time:

• The setting can be even better
  • Do it in the evening
  • Create the music playlist with more Love
  • Have a bucket next to you
  • Prepare blankets for spitting and cleanig your nose
  • Cold grapes are exquisite
  • Clean your toilet

Here is the picture that I drawed:

I hope you are doing good and I wish the best for you. Thank you for reading.

Much Love

[Girzo]

It's cool that you had told your family and they reacted positively.

Funny thing. I had been drawing after my first AL-LAD trip ever and chose similar colors.