Disgusted By Own Ego –> Change –> More ego?

[QandC]

I've lately become more conscious and aware about the way my ego acts (aka. "me"). I have become aware of the way I can manipulate people to get what I want, unconsciously, how I can lie to myself, how I can hurt others with or without intention, and also my behaviour in everyday life which is negative. I've really struggled with questions of value and what it means to be a good person, but now when I can see my ego more clearly and the "darker" side of me, I'm becoming more skeptical about this being a path to letting go of the ego, and perhaps becoming a stronger ego?

Since I want to become a better person and focus less on my own growth, because I feel as if it is dirty, I feel guilty and it is something I cannot live with anymore, I want to fully transcend into a larger circle of concerns. I don't know if this is a full transition into another level of the spiral or if it's just a way for my ego to grow even more. I want to leave my egoic behaviours obviously to feel better about myself and also for others. Why would we want to do something if it doesn't make us feel better, right? But at the same time I wonder, what if this is just another egoic act? It's a sort of paradox.

Is wanting to become a more lovable person and to be selfless just another devilry? Perhaps the ego wants to protect itself from the feelings of guilt and therefore it just fights for its own survival? Maybe the real transition is when the ego fully stops caring about it's own benefits and rather the benefits of others? Or maybe this is a "first step of the way"?

Edited July 23, 2019 by QandC

[Red-White-Light]

@QandC Look at a photo of you as a kid, that's your ego. Own it and love it.

[Forestluv]

@QandC Who is observing the ego and creating a story about it?

[Leo Gura]

1 hour ago, QandC said:

Is wanting to become a more lovable person and to be selfless just another devilry?

For fuck's sake no! That is God!

The solution you're looking for is LOVE! Practice being more loving towards yourself and others.

Replace guilt with love. Love is God! Not ego.

You are being egotistical when you judge yourself so harshly. Treat yourself with kindness.

Doubt is good at the beginning of this journey. But at some point you gotta drop doubt and replace it with absolute faith in Love.

[AlldayLoop]

21 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Doubt is good at the beginning of this journey. But at some point you gotta drop doubt and replace it with absolute faith in Love.

Are you considering creating a Love Course?

[Charlotte]

3 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

For fuck's sake no! That is God!

?

"For fuck saaaaaake!"

[SunnyNewDay]

Don't hate yourself like this. Process those feelings and move onto forgiveness. Forgiveness has to come at the same time as you start to try and love and integrate your flaws and dark side. You can then open your heart and start feeling like a good person. You can do a forgiveness meditation or pray to forgive yourself. Really powerful stuff.

Edited July 23, 2019 by SunnyNewDay

[Nahm]

Becoming attentive of what you’ve been inattentive to, is very much a first step of the way. Notice the apparent division of actual loving & aware you - and the “you” in thought stories (your idea of you, a ‘thought cluster’ about you). Consider, it’s not possible to become a more loving person, but rather, to continue to be attentive & aware, self discovering - while ‘playing the role’ of a person from an ever increasing vantage point of Loving. In a sense, stages of life; need love, want love, give love, am Love, Love is All. Or, “you can’t give what you don’t have”, is realized to be “you can only give, what you are, and have always been”. 

It can be very releasing & relieving to begin to see how sensations are typically experienced via a “you” in your thought stories. This is where guilt, value, ‘becoming’, ‘lying to myself’, egoic behaviors, & paradoxes etc are created. Be attentive to the fact that you are not in the thought stories, but are the awareness, present, and directly aware of the thoughts, here & now. Really notice this is always the case. Notice when you’ve ‘gone off’ into a thought story. Suffering happens in the thought stories; but the opportunity for intelligent choices, loving, and action, are always - here & now. As you are more loving, and not striving to be ‘more lovable’, the dissolving of the ego is naturally underway. Also notice, the only ‘place’ you have ever experienced love, is within you. It is not mac & cheese you buy at a store, it is not the light from the sun - it is always unseen & unheard - within you.    In thought stories, love seems to come and go, in accordance with stories about your “self”. 

Notice, with regard to “feeling better about myself”....you are directly aware of thoughts, sensations, and perception. You are not actually aware of “a self” which you could “feel better about”. When we mix the sensation with the “self” in the thought stories, we misunderstand the direct everpresent guidance of sensations, and experience guilt, etc. 

Notice when a thought “about yourself” arises - the thought is not actually about yourself - the self is actually what is aware of the thought (about a self). A thought about yourself could never be true. You will always be the awareness of. It might take a bit for this to “click” but when it does, it is astounding how liberating it is. The potential for new, never-felt-before-sensations is miraculous, and quite real. Tap into that for fuck sakes!

[SoonHei]

LOVE IS THE ANSWER!

 

The devil in you may hide this part... with thoughts like Change –> More ego? 

 

but no. any time you're making a choice/decision... if it's out of love and is selfless... that is not Ego. that is God! as Leo said, FFS!  

What maybe confusing is this. You hear that get rid of the Ego... YOU are the EGO! etc... and we think that change = more ego... ego trying to change ego... yes, that can also happen. but not with real change. and that's where you emotions and feelings can lead you and guide you. you feel that connection... that love... you know what you're doing is full of love. you can tell and feel it. that is your ego long out of the picture

 

YOU are at the center. the head. the right shoulder and left shoulder with the devil and angel on either side. that's really what's going on here. bad/evil/selfish thoughts (devil/ego) on on side and love/selfless/good thoughts (angel/God) on the other side. You're at the center of it. right now you're all EGO EGO EGO

and let GO GO GO the EGO and come over to the God/Love/Angel side. 

THAT change ^ ... that change is not more ego... that change is true change. it is Love. It is God. It is Beauty. It is felt, deep in your core. Let Love lead your way and you aint never need no GPS ever again.

[QandC]

Thank you for all the answers

<3