Is This A Massive Trap?!

[electroBeam]

tldr; ive spent literally 10-15 years of my life looking for my life purpose. I haven't found it and am depressed and exhausted. Should I continue looking or just accept doing a job I hate?

I've got this idea in my head from an early age(since primary school) that if you find your life purpose, you will find something that will make you excited to wake up early every morning, something that gives you deep gratification, something where if you do it you get instant bliss, a flow state.

In 10-15 years of searching intensely(searching to exhaustion, every day, causing my family, teachers and professors stress in the process) I have not found it. What keeps me going to this day is I know and can strongly feel there is happiness in this world. It exists. I can feel that if I do something(not sure what) I will feel that bliss and love I've always wanted. It feels immersive, expansive, beautiful, deeply joyful. I get images of a transcendent life form; a heavenly realm, ancient Egypt, the advanced complexity and lovingness of mother nature; awe inspiring, the hippy movement, plants, ecosystems, the greatest of the great of ancient greece like Pythagoras. Deep deep wisdom. It feels huge, like it would suffocate and swallow whole the entire universe im in and then dissolve into bliss.  While I can smell and feel it, I cannot find it. Its like the sweet scent of a delicious cake, I can smell it but cannot find it anywhere.

Summary of my journey

Maybe its contained in science. So in middle school I ace my science exams. But for some reasons science feels mechanical and I get the sense that this logical mechanicalness removes that scent I'm looking for. So I try computer science.

Maybe its computer science. I love building things that impact the world. Maybe the happiness is located inside of the satisfaction from building some really marvellous code. But as I do computer science, that happiness evaporates. It turns into suffering. Computer programming is highly myopic. I can't see the big picture, and even if I can its so rule based. Its dry and dead. 

So then I try biology. But you don't really build things in biology, and also it has this very horrible tendency to reducing living systems into logical, process driven units that interact with each other in ways that aren't inspiring. 

Then I thought, ahhh the scent must be in something inspiring. So then I go to mathematics. Maybe the scent is contained in the mathematical beauty of building an equation that is so advanced its transcendent, like that image I have of ancient egypt. Then I try and realize that mathematics is more about meddling with made up, completely dead rules that have nothing to do with the happiness I'm looking for.

So then in haste I leave university and make a startup. Things are going much better but while doing the startup I'm a programmer and hate it. So then I think, how can I benefit the startup without using programming? I need more inspiration in my life, more liveliness. 

So then I try adding value by making meditation techniques and being sort of a company yogi. But the problem is, a large part of that work involves thinking. And there is no happiness (that im looking for) in thinking. Its in experience.

So then I try visual arts. I spend 6 months learning how to draw, trying to feel rather than think. But then the intuition in my head says "No matter what you try, if you're trying to create something which is made of thought, by doing that you remove yourself from that thing you're looking for". 

So then in my last attempt to find that life purpose, I double down and for the 4th time do Leo's LP course. I love big picture thinking, beauty and wisdom. I dream of advanced cities. Maybe my LP is law and political governance.

But as I attempt to spend heaps of resources in exploring that option, I'm reminded of the amount of times I thought I had found that happiness, my LP, but then after a while realized that there was some problem or misunderstanding, and withing a few months that happiness that I was looking for was gone.

 

What should I do? Should I continue exploring and looking for my LP or just accept that I will have a job I hate, or try to be a millionare and retire early?

[Psyche_92]

There is no purpose in anything. Don't neglect that, but try to actually see if that's the case.

Looking for a passion and a purpose are all distractions of what is here and now.

Who knows what you are here for? It doesn't matter.

If you need to find a passion or whatever it is in this lifetime, it will happen regardless of you seeking for it like a crazy madman. Chances are because you are doing this, you might even overlook the simplest small stuff that would lead you to something that comes close to a purpose.

Not everyone needs a passion or purpose or whatever.

Why not wake up every morning seeing what wants to shine through you and make that your purpose?

[electroBeam]

6 minutes ago, Psyche_92 said:

 

Why not wake up every morning seeing what wants to shine through you and make that your purpose?

hahahahahaha I've tried that aswell and it failed. My desire for change was too strong and restless to just be happy with whatever floats your boat at a particular moment. 

[Psyche_92]

12 minutes ago, electroBeam said:

hahahahahaha I've tried that aswell and it failed. My desire for change was too strong and restless to just be happy with whatever floats your boat at a particular moment. 

Yes, only because you see it as another call to action from and egoic perspective. Being happy with whatever floats your boat is not something that you do, it IS something that occurs when you surrender. BUT, you cannot practice that.

Edited July 19, 2019 by Psyche_92

[Aeris]

12 hours ago, electroBeam said:

hahahahahaha I've tried that aswell and it failed. My desire for change was too strong and restless to just be happy with whatever floats your boat at a particular moment. 

Same

Did you try Electronic composing music ? 

Just with your background it looks like something you didn't try. Just as a passion tool tho. Don't believe you will get a career from it. But I value it. Understanding music teach so much

There is too much for explain

 

For me I never worked in a job casual only few experiences.

My survival is sustain on arts or die. Because there is no others paths. I m still dying but gods state provide foods and roof. 

I would be a gangster if I got nothing to loose. It's more exciting.

But. Not today

[electroBeam]

@Aeris I listen to music like mirabai ceiba and try to figure out how it applies to my life to open new perspectives within me, thats as far as I go when music is concerned.

Yes sounds like a tough situation you're in.

The next thing I'm trying now is to abandon the whole life purpose thing all together. Whatever career path I'm on, I'm going to let it unfold without investing in it. Screw desire, this experience of trying to find my purpose has really shown me the true meaning of the Buddha's quote "the root of all suffering is desire". Rather I will do what is needed to be happy, and try my hardest to avoid all of the egoic problems that come with it. No more trying to be something great, trying to emphatically impact the world and make it better. Just simply meditate; not because I have a desire to enlighten, but as an immediate reaction to the realisation that what I've tried in the past has massively failed in achieving what I wanted. 

[JustThinkingAloud]

If you expect the “reality” to give you life purpose, you need to dream “realistic” goals or at least “realistic” steps towards that goal so you get some satisfaction. I believe that doing what makes you and other people happy is our life purpose. You get motivation to become great at it and other people get what makes them happy and even pay you for it. You make the world happier place. I’ll never stop trying, if I get there great, if I don’t at least I know I’ve done my best and probably helped someone else to be great or continue from where I finished. Once you give up, that’s it, you remove your chances of getting what you want.

[electroBeam]

2 minutes ago, JustThinkingAloud said:

If you expect the “reality” to give you life purpose, you need to dream “realistic” goals or at least “realistic” steps towards that goal so you get some satisfaction. I believe that doing what makes you and other people happy is our life purpose. You get motivation to become great at it and other people get what makes them happy and even pay you for it. You make the world happier place. I’ll never stop trying, if I get there great, if I don’t at least I know I’ve done my best and probably helped someone else to be great or continue from where I finished. Once you give up, that’s it, you remove your chances of getting what you want.

unless finding a satisfactory life purpose is like finding a pot at the end of a rainbow, in which case you will never find it because it doesn't exist. You will need to try something different to be happy. Like meditation, retiring early, mindfully accepting suffering/depression from doing a job you hate until you retire.

[ajasatya]

@electroBeam How would you like to see the world?

[electroBeam]

2 minutes ago, ajasatya said:

@electroBeam How would you like to see the world?

Its very hard to summarize, but it can be pointed to with a few specific points.

In general, society is currently driven by accumulation of wealth, social status, jobs with power and dominance(like a CEO) at the expense of mental wellbeing, authenticity, sharing and caring for others. This causes many unpleasant issues, but the one which affects me the most is the toxic atmosphere/energy. When an entire society's mission is to individualistically accumulate the stuff above, it spreads a subconscious mindset throughout society that you must suffer, and go against your natural instincts of empathy if you are to avoid suffering. It causes people to fear each other instead of trust each other. 

An alternative drive for society may be instead of accumulation of stuff, we focus on collectively supporting each other individual in a common higher goal which doesn't necessarily make you wealthy, but makes the environment of the entire society much more about caring for others and your environment, which would in turn make the lives of each of those individuals much more happier than it would if each one strive for wealth and status(even if they get it). 

Specifically:

- awareness programs/ units in school of the beauty and importance of how the human race unconsciously collaborates with plants to survive(oxygen carbon dioxide), and then action steps of applying policies which advocate this awareness, like reducing one's taxes if they buy more plants and spread the word by making drawings which represents their connection with plants then spreading that through facebook.

- Reduction of closed mindedness when it comes to exploring unusual states of consciousness. Instead an encouragement to do so. Celebrating the awesomeness of exploring different states of consciousness and how it helps you live a more fulfilling life. Specifically practising meditation and then discussing what they experienced.

- Reforming the educational system to focus more on getting students to make an impact that affects more than their paycheck. For example getting them to critically think about society and focus on solving problems that society have rather than focusing on how to climb the corporate ladder and make your family proud.

- Showing the world that happiness is found in collectively helping overs overcome suffering, rather than getting heaps of money. Showing them how their entire life, from the moment they wake up, to the moment they fall asleep, becomes joyful when their goal is to help someone overcome a psychological disorder, help a country overcome poverty, get rid of policies that were made for the betterment of a small portion of a political group, etc etc etc

[d0ornokey]

Maybe you already have but have you tried to journal and listen to your intuition / highest self? What is it trying to tell you about this 

Edited July 20, 2019 by d0ornokey

[electroBeam]

7 minutes ago, d0ornokey said:

Maybe you already have but have you tried to journal and listen to your intuition / highest self? What is it trying to tell you about this 

its either trying to tell me to do a job that is much much more bigger picture and holistic, or its leading me down the wrong rabbit hole and what I actually need to do is not listen to it and just meditate and forget about LP

[Consept]

You've become disillusioned with finding your life purpose, which is great because it is one less illusion in the way 

[ajasatya]

@electroBeam Have you researched the different kinds of schools that are arising? Just to name a few methodologies that I know of, search for Waldorf and Montessori. See what it takes to be part of their movement. Maybe you can plan your way to be able to collaborate?

[BjarkeT]

I recommend reading so good they can't ignore you by Cal Newport. Flow doesn't just happen. It happens when you have mastered a skill at something that once was hard and is now easy for you that's one of the reasons why Cal Newport recommend getting really good at something you find interesting. Cal Newport's book talk about the science of how you create passion.

Something I have found from experience is that getting good at something also create the interest so you might not depend on having an interest first.

http://www.calnewport.com/blog/2010/10/16/the-passion-trap-how-the-search-for-your-lifes-work-is-making-your-working-life-miserable/

Edited July 20, 2019 by BjarkeT

[Aeris]

13 hours ago, electroBeam said:

@Aeris I listen to music like mirabai ceiba and try to figure out how it applies to my life to open new perspectives within me, thats as far as I go when music is concerned.

Yes sounds like a tough situation you're in.

The next thing I'm trying now is to abandon the whole life purpose thing all together. Whatever career path I'm on, I'm going to let it unfold without investing in it. Screw desire, this experience of trying to find my purpose has really shown me the true meaning of the Buddha's quote "the root of all suffering is desire". Rather I will do what is needed to be happy, and try my hardest to avoid all of the egoic problems that come with it. No more trying to be something great, trying to emphatically impact the world and make it better. Just simply meditate; not because I have a desire to enlighten, but as an immediate reaction to the realisation that what I've tried in the past has massively failed in achieving what I wanted. 

"the root of all suffering is desire." humm

can you desire " without wanting " ?  like just so far, when you play a video games, you have a goal, you desire to get it, but you takes fun on the path to the goal, not in the goal in itself, aside, you desire to achieve it in a way, but you doesn't need to achieve, you just do it.

but in the meantime, you really need it.

but it's paradoxical, you cannot be properly a good achiever if you doesn't give yourself 100%

you can use I want to achieve, but in the meantime doesn't attach a feeling to what happens if the desire doesn't work.

like using your mind as a tool to delude yourself from your own delusion when they happen, very self aware of the thought story rising.

 

 

[universe]

Dont look for happyness outside.

Have you tried to give everything to one path?

You see, all path ultimately lead to nothing. Just take the path your heart is telling you to do and be done with it.

After developing mastery in your field, whatever wisdom you want to share, you will find a way to do that within your path.

And if it means to change your path, than that is allright, too 

[archi]

On 7/19/2019 at 1:39 PM, electroBeam said:

tldr; ive spent literally 10-15 years of my life looking for my life purpose. I haven't found it and am depressed and exhausted. Should I continue looking or just accept doing a job I hate?

What should I do? Should I continue exploring and looking for my LP or just accept that I will have a job I hate, or try to be a millionare and retire early?

Forget LP, my feeling is that Leo did his LP course early in his progress and course would look completely different right now. 

Do whatever you need to do to survive and transcend survival. Try to decrease time in 'hated' job and increase necessary practices that help you to increase consciousness and answers will come.

[Commodent]

To me it seems like you're just pursuing interests without really having a grand vision.

[Angelo John Gage]

@electroBeam  I don't think there is a purpose at all. I think, that one must do what they love. IF you are doing what you love, for the sake of doing that, it is not work. With that, you will give back to the world in a positive way. If you are grinding away at a job you hate, then I can assure you, you are serving someone else's purpose, but not of your own. you are giving back to society in a way, but not how you would love to.

I've tried many fields and things which I felt empty. The only thing I love to do is help people become better people. That's it. And I don't get paid to do it. I also try to expose corruption, which I do on Twitter. I accept that I may die as some average Joe and never be a world influencer as I feel like I should be. But since I love what I am doing, it wouldn't matter if I changed the lives of millions, or billions in the end, because I love doing it regardless. Doesn't matter if I am paid or not either. Of course you need to survive, so you may work a job you hate so then you can do what you love on your free time. Most people are in that boat; rarely do people have a job they love to do. I'm sure Leo loves his Job and is living his dream, while getting paid for it. 

So what do you love to do? If you don't know, then you haven't found that yet.