f*ck it I'm done!! Lets get my life moving

[Espaim]

First post ever

Let's get that shit moving!! I'm fucking tired of living a life of ups and downs, more down than up.

How I started

I used to be super socially anxious from 12 to 17. Until 15, I used to game a lot and didn't care about my health and self-development.  At 16 I actually stopped compulsive gaming and I noticed that I had fcking crippling social anxiety. I also discovered MGTOW around this age and got obsessed with it (this obsesssion went away a long time ago but I'm still sort of a asexual, my libido is very low). Some of the red pill still runs through my inner game but it's nothing compared to before. When I was about 16 I started going to the gym for real and got more confident. At 17 I started using antidepressives to get by with my social anxiety but it didn't really do much about anhedonia. Those were 8 fucked up months. Nonetheless, antidepressives killed more than 70% of my social anxiety. I still need to work on many areas as I will explain further.

Current state

• Hypomaniac, almost jumped off the 2nd floor of my house in the peak of hypomania (I'm fine now, don't worry)
• Also: I'm on winter holidays from college(you now, I'm on the southern hemisphere)
• 18 years; Brazilian; currently on college studying Mechanical Engineering

How my life is right now

• In the past 2 years I have learned to play the guitar, acoustic guitar and bass, all to intermediate/advanced level and some other instruments. Maybe I'm overestimating my skills but I don't really care. I stopped practicing everything due to college.
• I usually read 1 hour a day
• I meditate 10-30min a day.
• I hit the gym 3x a week.
• I have a little amount of close friends (one to be more accurate 1) and a bunch of "friends" and acquaintances that I don't really talk when I'm in the depressed phase.
• I'm addicted to the internet and primarily Reddit.

What I like to do

• Playing the bass guitar
• Hiking
• Going to museums
• Going to theaters
• Biking (sadly my bikes are fucked because I don't have money to fix them. They work, though)
• Learning (about everything literally, I'm the most curious person I know)
• Meditating
• Watching The Simpsons

Little shitty insights

• I'm pretty sure I have some type of bipolar disorder but okay.
• I attract shitty people to my life and only notice after becoming their friends.
• I start too many things and rarely finish any (at least when hypermaniac).
• I'm very creative and curious (when not unhealthy) but all this creativity is not really used to something useful, only for useless shit.

My goals (not in any particular order)

• Socialize more and develop my social skills (I've been isolating myself a lot due to anhedonia and social anxiety)
• Actually doing personal development
• Fix my eating habits
• Fix my weird mood changes
• Find an area within Mechanical Engineering that allows me to help people directly
• Develop a strong routine
• Grow my influence circle
• Start working part-time
• Learn French(up to B1)
• Exercise 2x a week(cardio)

Those are not all my goals. I have a pretty detailed chart of everything I want to do but that's too much to type in here, so I'll leave you all with this shitty post.

Also, I do not plan to post here everyday, only like once every 2 weeks or 1 month just to see how much I have progressed.

Have a nice day!

[Everyday]

21 hours ago, Espaim said:

My goals (not in any particular order)

• Socialize more and develop my social skills (I've been isolating myself a lot due to anhedonia and social anxiety)
• Actually doing personal development
• Fix my eating habits
• Fix my weird mood changes
• Find an area within Mechanical Engineering that allows me to help people directly
• Develop a strong routine
• Grow my influence circle
• Start working part-time
• Learn French(up to B1)
• Exercise 2x a week(cardio)

Wish you good luck!

 

 

Edited July 18, 2019 by Everyday

[Everyday]

21 hours ago, Espaim said:

• I attract shitty people to my life and only notice after becoming their friends.

Lol this happens to me as well. i have no idea how.

[Natasha]

On 7/17/2019 at 7:06 PM, Espaim said:

I attract shitty people to my life and only notice after becoming their friends.

 

3 hours ago, Everyday said:

Lol this happens to me as well. i have no idea how.

Perhaps you are empaths - you make yourselves (consciously or unconsciously) available to absorb other people's energy. Developing healthy boundaries and cultivating healthy self-love are two ways for empaths to stay clear of toxic influences. Observe, don't absorb.

[Bill W]

Hello and welcome. Good luck with everything. 

Edited July 19, 2019 by Bill W

[Espaim]

Thank you all!

During the university holidays I had a few insights into my life.

Caffeine makes me crazy. That's why I said I was pretty sure I was bipolar. I'm probably not. I was just too hyped by the chocolate I ate that day. This can be said because I noticed that right after that day I got depressed three days in a row and some time later my mood stabilized.

I still have some mild neurosis around relationships and socializing. After becoming conscious of this I decided that I'm going to give up my resistance and try to do what I'm avoiding. That being said, Saturday was one of the best days for me, as I employed this tatic successfully.

There was a party on my house on Saturday; my birthday party. I had a lot of fun with the people here and let it loose. The perfect environment, I guess. I invited everyone so I have a little bit of connection to everyone, right?(I hope so). I felt very great afterwards.

The most important point is: last year I wouldn't even have enough people to invite because I was so fucking shy. I'm very happy about myself.

Nonetheless, I'm aware of fake growth. I can see that my internal neurosis and anxieties turned from strong to mild during this time. So, I'm confident to say that I evolved. Not that there isn't more growth to do (oh my god there is a lot!!!) but I need to compare myself to how I was to see how unconscious I was and how I'm like now. Being done that I can have a little glimpse of what would be like to have magnitudes higher of consciouness level.

About discipline: I'm using Reddit a lot less, and that was my worst addiction that I know. I still need to develop myself some more to fight my addiction to chips and chocolate.

Hobbies: probably gonna start playing the keyboard or acoustic guitar this week, along with studying French. I need to get used to my college schedule before inserting those things.

Have a nice day!

[Espaim]

So... I didn't die. I was running low on time and motivation and I couldn't update this journal.

Updates:

I started studying german inconsistently.

A glimpse of Truth was shown to me on October 27

I started going out more and now I actually enjoy it.

Mood inconsistencies have been diminishing over time.

I am struggling on university a little because I had a bout of depression from the start to the half of the semester.

My gym habits started to get shaky. I don't consistently go to the gym 3x a week anymore. Working on it though.

Meditation time was increased to minimum of 20 minutes. Now I'm reaching around 40 minutes.

I stopped watching The Simpsons.

Currently not eating any refined sugar.

I started drinking coffee again.(now it doesn't have those acute effects I reported before)

Internet addiction has been reduced by a marginal amount.

Currently, I'm taking on a daily basis: Niacin(vitamin B3); Bacopa Monnieri.

Sleep schedule is mostly good.

For the next month I plan to:

Work on my grades;

Go out on weekends once a week;

Improve my diet by introducing more healthy foods;

Starting to track my habits religiously.

Edited November 6, 2019 by Espaim

[Espaim]

So, it's been some time again.

As I said, my plan wasn't to update frequently anyway.

My goals now have changed a lot. Last week I had my 5th trip on psychedelics, specifically DMT and that increased my counsciousness by a lot for some time.

Updates in Italic:

On 17/07/2019 at 8:06 PM, Espaim said:

• In the past 2 years I have learned to play the guitar, acoustic guitar and bass, all to intermediate/advanced level and some other instruments. Maybe I'm overestimating my skills but I don't really care. I stopped practicing everything due to college.
• I usually read 1 hour a day - Still doing this. Sometimes I read even more.
• I meditate 10-30min a day. - Meditating consistently for 30 minutes.
• I hit the gym 3x a week. stopped going to the gym because coronavirus. Not doing any exercise frequently.
• I have a little amount of close friends (one to be more accurate 1) and a bunch of "friends" and acquaintances that I don't really talk when I'm in the depressed phase. Now I'm way happier with my social life. I don't really like talking with people by text so in quarantine I don't really have much contact with anyone. I don't think that's a problem anyway.
• I'm addicted to the internet and primarily Reddit. Still relatively addicted.

What I like to do

• Playing the bass guitar - Didn't start
• Hiking - I did some hiking before the quarantine. Really liked walking in nature. Going to do more after quarantine.
• Going to museums - Went 1 or 2 times. It's enough.
• Going to theaters - Didn't go
• Biking (sadly my bikes are fucked because I don't have money to fix them. They work, though) - I didn't buy a bike. No money.
• Learning (about everything literally, I'm the most curious person I know) - Still learning.
• Meditating Still meditating
• Watching The Simpsons Not really helping me in any way anymore. I don't even find it fun to watch because I have watched almost all the episodes already. And it's a hella giant amount of episodes.

Little shitty insights

• I'm pretty sure I have some type of bipolar disorder but okay. - It was caused by caffeine. Stopped consuming it regularly.
• I attract shitty people to my life and only notice after becoming their friends. Not really.
• I start too many things and rarely finish any (at least when hypermaniac).
• I'm very creative and curious (when not unhealthy) but all this creativity is not really used to something useful, only for useless shit.

My goals (not in any particular order)

• Socialize more and develop my social skills (I've been isolating myself a lot due to anhedonia and social anxiety) - Doing great as stated above.
• Actually doing personal development - Good progress.
• Fix my eating habits - I started eating way more vegetables and way less junk food.
• Fix my weird mood changes - Fixed.
• Find an area within Mechanical Engineering that allows me to help people directly - Didn't found it yet. I don't even know if that's a goal of mine anymore.
• Develop a strong routine - My morning routine now has some components that are consistently done by me.
• Grow my influence circle - ??? Don't know. It's so open. Shit. Some goals were so open that I don't really know if I have completed them
• Start working part-time - Not interested in doing that anymore. I do have some other projects though.
• Learn French(up to B1) - Not really interested. No progress.
• Exercise 2x a week(cardio) - Didn't start.

 

Edited May 3, 2020 by Espaim

[Espaim]

After this trip a lot of shit has been purged from me. A lot of repressed anger and sadness has got out.

Planning now on doing Shadow Work daily following the Integral Life Practice 3-2-1 instructions.

[Espaim]

Mental Health

Being locked in my house was not in many ways good for my mental health... I don't talking with my friends much because I don't find texting pleasant or even enjoyable. So not much social contact. This is probably the case with many people so... idk

(negative) Habits

• Currently using my smartphone and computer a lot
• Drinking alcohol more frequently than I am used to
• Fapping everyday. The urge is going down after quitting caffeine again but this is hard... I don't really want to give up this habit. It's serving a function right now
• Not washing the dishes. It's piling up pretty fast.
• Watching a fuckton of TV like nothing ever seen lol. 6+ hours daily

Currently doing

• Meditating 30 minutes a day somewhat consistently
• Reading almost daily.
• Microdosing LSD every 2/3 days - in the first days this actually gave me some benefits. Now it's a mild benefit.

 

Taking very little action overall.

My vision for the future seems pretty weak now.

Last month I got addicted to caffeine but I quit again. I started eating sugar but stopped again.

Not really proud of my accomplishments... I don't know what to do really

The things I wrote on my dreamboard seem pretty underwhelming right now. When I wrote they felt good.

Maybe this apathy has been caused by caffeine withdrawal. Who knows? I'll discover in 2 weeks.

Edited July 10, 2020 by Espaim

[Espaim]

Okay, I was particularly down when I wrote the post above.

During the quarantine, I also:

• Studied half a book about programming
• Read 8 books
• Started a mini streching routine after waking up
• Tripped 4 times on LSD

That's it for now

 

Edited July 11, 2020 by Espaim

[Espaim]

Started taking Modafinil today again...

Microdosing LSD seems to be having a good effect on my overall mood and perspective on life. Feeling pretty good overall 

Productivity has been a issue for me for a long time now. When I was younger I used to be more of a juggernaut just brute-forcing my way through the rough work. As I entered in stage Green this tendency has dropped considerably. I'm not going to use that as an excuse to be a lazy ass though.

[Espaim]

Planning on smoking some DMT tomorrow or next week. I'm indecive right now because DMT is so powerful and profound for me I'm a little bit afraid of what it may show me.

[Espaim]

I think I will create more specific threads for different areas of my life. This is getting a little bit confusing here. When I created this topic I didn't even know psychedelics were a thing 

[Espaim]

 

[Espaim]

HOLY SHIT