Dealing With Toxic People

[Kuba]

First of all, sorry if there are any mistakes in the text(I'm from Poland).

For more than a year now, my mother takes care of her mom. My grandmother has a dementia and she needs someone to look after her for all day. My mom cooks for her and spends a time with her but things are just getting worse day by day. My grandmother still argues with my mom and my aunt, sometimes she don't want to eat and is creating a lot of problems. My mom is in distress almost every day because she can't live her life how she wants because she needs to take care of her mom for all day, and her mom doesn't even appreciate it, she(my grandmother) still argues with everybody and insults people. My dad also says that he's tired of it and he can't stand it.

I really don't know what to do, I help my mom how I can but I can't change behaviour of my grandmother. I am really afraid because my mom is in the worse state every day because she is so stressed. I don't know what to do, I don't want my grandmother to ruin my mother's life. Can you share some thoughts about it? What would you do in this situation?

Edited May 3, 2016 by Kuba

[FindingPeace]

It seems the obvious solution here is to find someone else that can provide care for your grandmother. It is a huge undertaking to become a full-time carer for someone. It may appear caring and altruistic but it comes at a huge cost to someone's own wellbeing to do this. But some people are afraid of seeming uncaring if they seek to share or even pass the responsibility to others.

The  bottom line it this:

On 03/05/2016 at 10:56 AM, Kuba said:

my mom is in the worse state every day

How can she care for someone else if she can barely look after herself now? This isn't sustainable. And what is happening is you are caring for your mother whilst she cares for hers. Ironically it's not doing your mother any good and she could end up needing care in the long run.

 

[Kuba]

When it comes to nursing home, my mom thinks there would be financial problems with this. I just graduated high school and my cousin has a job for me in England so I think I'm going to work there and help my mom financially how much I can. For now, I try to help her with houseworks and calm her. People with dementia tend to not really be aware of many things and they often don't understand they hurt other people, so I told my mom not to argue with my grandmother because it won't result in anything good. It's hard for her because my grandma everyday looks for a reason to quarrel. But my mom tries to understand that grandmother is somewhat mentally ill. Some days she really copes with it and it's fine. Thank you for your response, I appreciate it . Any more suggestions anyone?

Edited May 6, 2016 by Kuba

[Armand]

@Kuba Mine was in a similar circumstance with our grandmother. She was combative to the point that my mother finally realized she needed to put her in a home due to the stress that she had placed on herself trying to take care of her mother all of the time. I suggested hiring a Cna or patient care aid to come to the house and take care of her, but it was too costly of an idea. Financially we couldn't afford spending thousands to keep her in a fancy old folks home, but medicare eventually was able to cover her so she was placed in a decent place. The only thing is that she's forced to share a room with another person, but it's really not bad. There is plenty of space between her and her roommate. 

[CuteCornDog]

I wish I could change the behavior of my mother.

 

Dialogue between her and I.

 

Me: You talk too much.

Her: I can't help it.

 

Her: Oh, I need to get my act together.

Me: You need to stop talking so much.