Trip Report - A Rude Awakening

[reves]

Medicine
   30 mg of 4-AcO-DMT, administered orally.

Intention
   The intention was to repeat the experience I had with a previous trip I had (same medicine and dose), about five weeks ago. You can see the full trip report here After doing some research and posting the last report here, I understood I had a Samadhi experience. I was shocked by the few glimpses I had of the Absolute, and could not really understand it.
   I also had the intention to try to get a healing trip.

Some Background
   I have been doing Kriya Yoga daily for about seven months now, I am currently mastering the Mental Kriya lesson, as described in the book Leo recommends in his video. I also do concentration training, 20 to 30 min daily, and I also sit to meditate basically doing nothing before I go to sleep, for as long as I can remain seated.

   I have started to feel more the energy moves trough my body and sometimes I can perceive the different frequencies of the Chakras very strongly, for example at the end of the Kriya session, during the concentration phase. This has also lead me to be able to meditate and rest doing nothing for longer periods, every time easier. This is how I know that I have been integrating the previous trips I had. Until more recently I have managed to start contemplating.

The Trip
      So I made all the preparations, and at 15:15 took the medicine, then I seated, relaxed and drank some ginger tea, as it helps me avoid nausea and body load during the come-up phase. I listened to some hang drum meditation music, which I also find great during the come-up phase, during this time I also made some bi-lateral symmetry movements. I started to have some visuals, though this time not so strong as in previous trips. I then started looking at my hand to get grounded in actuality and I realized my fingers where moving very fast, almost as if there were vibrating. This is something that either I have not realized before or I had not experienced until this moment. I found it interesting and just let it be. Around the 30 min mark or so I decided to lay down on the floor, over a mat. As I was laying there on the stomach, and I was captivated by the fact that the mat was so close to my eyes and yet saw so infinite, endless and so far away.

      I then suddenly entered this hyper-awareness state and directly recognized that it was this similar experience from the previous trip. The boundaries of my body simply were no more and I felt as if I was expanding very quickly, my breathing also slowed down a lot, up to the point I could not perceive it. I stopped listening to music as the effect of the medicine was getting stronger and decided to concentrate and go full into the experience. At some point, something made click inside me and I had this feeling that somehow I already knew all of this, as if it were and old memory from my childhood. It was as if I could remember I could access this hyper-awareness state when I was a kid, and I just remembered about it.

      I then realized that, as the ego tried to take back control, I started to feel overwhelmed by the connection with the infinite and the whole experience, but had no fear or anxiety. At some point I changed position and put on a couple of ear caps, because there were some external distracting noises. I started to notice a lot of high frequency sounds, and I was able to reach a deeper/higher level of awareness and feel a very deep/strong connection God, in all directions and I also realized that I was in a state where time does not exists. I turned to look my hands in several occasions, trying to ground myself in reality and at least one time I remember I was not able to recognize them.

      I find fascinating that I was very aware during the whole experience, that for moments I was not feeling the boundaries of my body, and yet I could move the eyes, I had then realization then that God had taken control of my eyes and was looking at Itself. It was also a very blissful state, a feeling of total completeness and full of love. And yet, as the ego was reassembling every time with more and more strength I started to feel that I was losing it, that I was going mad, as my brain was trying to conceptualize and reduce to ideas the greatness of this blissful state.

      Around the 90 minutes mark I got really hungry and decided to go to the kitchen to eat something. I was still in this hyper-awareness state, in ecstasy and at the same time completely mat of being able to feel such a deep connection with God, so easily. I remember a moment I was standing by the window and being able to feel as if I were connected to everything and nothing, it was as if I could understand what a paradox is, for the first time, at the level of being. I had some food prepared, so heating it up in the microwave was not a very hard task, even tough I found my clumsy movements very funny.

      I then started eating, and in the same time started to feel how the ego was getting reassembled. I had then this thought where I made the conscious decision to go back to the form state. And as I was making the decision to come back to the dream, this process just happened. I then get a glimpse of the infinite layers of consciousness that constitute reality and the self. And then the hyper-awareness state starts to fade away, I realize it by being able to see, feel and recognize my hand much more solid as I look at it. All of this happens as I hear my girlfriend getting in to the house, and getting closer to where I am. I get this last though as if I where reading the mind of God when she gets in the apartment. "Oh that is also me, but there I am not currently being aware of myself."

      I then had a very nice evening with my girlfriend, trying to tell her what I had just experienced but I quickly realize that I just saw as a complete insane person to her, which just brought me to laugh. One thing I really like form psilocin is that it show my ways to be more social, to express my feelings and emotions more freely and easily, which I then see reflected in the conversations and interactions with others.

      Around 7 pm (four hours after taking the medicine) I went for a walk in the forest, which starts very close to where I live. I then realized that I felt very balanced and complete and started to ask myself how could I integrate this and make it more permanent in my daily life. The next day I tried to reorganize thoughts and remember as much as I could, writing everything down, on the afternoon after doing some other stuff, I decided to smoke some weed and just try to relax and try to remember some more of the trip and concrete the insights I had. I know mixing weed with mushrooms/LSD is not a good idea, yet had tried a similar experience before where I had 100 ug LSD and the next day I smoked a little bit of weed and the experience of the LSD came back, in a peaceful way. But with this time it was different.

    After I smoked I got shocked very deeply by the realization that we are all one, that it is only me here and I am always interacting with me, and I felt utterly and completely alone, I realized that I am just playing games with myself. I was like Oh my GOD!! With the mouth completely open. I got very scared, and realized that my ego was totally rejecting this realization. This time I really felt I was going really crazy and physically die, I guess I was confronted with the paradox again I was completely rejecting it.

    I then started to panic, so I tried to sit down and meditate but it only got worse. I realized I was having a panic attack as I felt my blood pressure was increasing up to 130 bpm, and started to feel my body very hot. So I changed my clothes to something lighter, drank some juice and took a cold shower. The cold shower really helped me ground again. All of this happened in a lapse of 10-15 minutes, I then told my girlfriend I just had a panic attack because I had this strong realization that I could not accept and asked her to huge me. I felt so fucking humbled, as in that very moment I could understand what it means love myself, seeing me in everyone and everything. I then could finally relax and start to accept this deep insight.

Conclusions
I got some powerful insights, from these mere glimpses in to the mind of God.

• I feel that for the very first time I had this realization/awakening at the level of being, that felt several orders of magnitude/dimensions greater than a rational/conceptual realization.
• I now know how following this path and accepting the unknown is a huge leap of faith, as I have never felt so scared in my life, and yet it comes with a great reward at the end, because deeply inside of me I can feel this deep connection with God.
• I got some understanding of what it means to be a singularity that has no diameter and it is yet infinite, infinite in every possible way.
• Also got some understanding of what a paradox is and how challenging and scary it can be when the mind tries to wrap around it, conceptualize it, and fails to merely accept it.
• At some point when my ego dissolved, and I remained being there, it was as if nothing had changed. This made me realize I am God, and as God in the formless state I cannot die and that I have nothing to fear!!
• I realized that this ego is just a part of me, and even after physical death happens it will remain in the vastness of God, forever.
• I also realized that time as I perceive it (linearly and progressing in just one direction), is just a projection of greater dimensions that are highly non-linear and it equally does not exists.
• I also see how I have to accept everything, and not just the things that the ego find good/acceptable for my survival agenda.
• I have been doing the different practices very rigorously every day, and because of this I can see strong gains and progress on every trip, something that keeps me motivated during the low-energy ego-backslash phases.

I love being mind fucked, but it really scared the shit out of me that I felt I was at the verge of a psychotic breakdown, or about to die. Prior to this, I have not had so strong anxiety/panic attacks for more than a decade. They all used to happen by abusing weed, which made me stop using it. I know understand that during these previous bad trips with the weed, I may have had some strong realizations that I was not able to understand and accept. It is until just more recently that I have tried to approach weed again, in a much more calmed approach. I know that I made a mistake by smoking weed after taking the psilocin, and now I know that psychedelics are medicines that have to be highly respected.

Questions
  By now I have had around ten psychedelic experiences between mushrooms and LSD, but just most recently I have started to feel that I am losing the sensation of reality and that I am going crazy. I have read that this is to be expected, but I just do not want to go in a wrong direction. I then started to question me, shall I expect this process of going mad to become more intense? Or may it be that I am going to fast? Is there anything that it can be done to make it lighter for the ego? Do you have any recommendations to better integrate the trips?

  Thanks a lot if you made it so far! I hope that my experience be of help to you, who knows. As always, thanks a lot  the great community of actualized.org and to @Leo Gura for all his work and great teachings!

Edited July 17, 2019 by reves

[Leo Gura]

Great work. That's some quality tripping.

Eventually, as you trip more, you should conquer that sense of going mad and after that it won't be a big deal. You will be able to go even deeper into the mind of God.

You are not pure enough yet and your self-understanding is not deep enough yet. You have too much fear which needs to be faced, processed, and put to rest.

Facing madness and facing death are two of the biggest obstacles. But once you conquer those, that's when the tripping gets really profound and life-changing. You need to get as much of your personal crap out of the way as possible.

[Inliytened1]

@reves that's awesome that you are putting in the work and seeing the results.

Yes the realization of Oneness can make you feel like you are going insane and could also lead to some anxiety and depression (ego backlash or the Dark Night of the Soul) 

But it will pass - two steps forward and one step back.  But congratulations on the progress it sounds well deserved.

[Inliytened1]

@Timothy yeah once you understand there aint no going back even if your ego tries.

[Inliytened1]

@Timothy indeed -- there is knowing it...and then there is Knowing it.  Two completely different things.   

[SunnyNewDay]

57 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

You are not pure enough yet and your self-understanding is not deep enough yet. You have too much fear which needs to be faced, processed, and put to rest.

Facing madness and facing death are two of the biggest obstacles. But once you conquer those, that's when the tripping gets really profound and life-changing. You need to get as much of your personal crap out of the way as possible.

what are the usual ways to process fear? I'm doing hypnosis, meditation, journaling breathe work and therapy along with living my life and letting it resolve naturally. All seems to be working. 

[Inliytened1]

@Timothy by the way dont cut yourself short.  In order to live in duality you have to live in duality -- so you have to play along in the dream and be finite and dualistic.  That doesn't mean in the back of your mind you don't know what's really going on.   That's non-dual awareness.

Edited July 17, 2019 by Inliytened1

[Nahm]

Awesome insights! Great foundation work!   To your questions... write about the experience of ‘losing the sensation of reality and going crazy’,...’going mad’. Like you were writing a letter to someone to really express to them what it’s like. Lot of clarity will come.  Articulate what you really mean as much as you can by ‘sensation of reality’. Might uncover some things about safety, uncertainty, dependence, etc. 

“Making it lighter for the ego”...Seeing personal responsibility as acutely & literal as possible, in the sense, you are doing whatever you’re doing right now because a long series of your own choices lead to it / created it. If people or events etc ‘come up’ as triggers in that perspective, having influenced your life, that’s where the “ego” work to be done is. (Which might just be staying present, now, and letting it go simply by being aware you’ve been hanging on to it)

“Better integrating trips”...Your trips are at the uber-high-vibration & view level, so to speak. “Integration” being a term for the difference, or matching of, the “sober” homeostasis state....  what’s needed is realizing more deeply these states (the trip & the homeostasis) are happening within you, same exact ‘space’, you never moved nor changed. You were aware of that, you are aware of this. That & this are the same damn magical unexplainable being, you. Looks like there are different things & places, because it’s that magical.          

More practically...diet & fitness, tendency to carry worry, a wide breadth of teachers, and quantum mechanics can be a bridge / opener for mind from “sober physical reality” full circle to Magic. Also, don’t hold to tight to the ‘my mind’. There’s an experiment (YouTube) that shows decisions are made around 6 seconds before one is aware of it, might want to check it out. That and QM’s can help the difficult crossover to the deeper ‘thing going on here’, rather than the ‘my’ mind - ‘universe’s’ Mind, me - God paradigms (even noting you have realized God connection??). Can’t really lose something that isn’t, essentially. Scrutinize the sensations and the thoughts separately, without labeling them together “going mad”, etc. It’s a sneaky “write off”. Don’t think of it as losing your mind, relax, think of it as gaining, expanding, discovering, pioneering, the most exciting of adventures. You truly are being brave af already.  What you’re battling are the remaining untruths in your own mind. The ones about yourself & God are the toughest. They go unnoticed due to years of repetition a bit behind the scenes (identity). That behind the scenes is where you’re aiming to go though, so it has to be cleaned up, emptied. Scrutinize the thoughts and sensations separately. Thanks again for the great share! 

[Leo Gura]

54 minutes ago, SunnyNewDay said:

what are the usual ways to process fear? I'm doing hypnosis, meditation, journaling breathe work and therapy along with living my life and letting it resolve naturally. All seems to be working. 

I've found psychedelics to be the best way. What he's bumping up against in his trips is the root of all fear. With dozens more trips the psychedelics should help him see through the illusory nature of all fear and break through to the other side of fear, which is Infinite Self-Love and Self-Acceptance -- Paradise!

[kieranperez]

3 hours ago, SunnyNewDay said:

what are the usual ways to process fear? I'm doing hypnosis, meditation, journaling breathe work and therapy along with living my life and letting it resolve naturally. All seems to be working. 

As an additional tip on top of @Leo GuraI honestly would say try to become conscious of what fear is directly outside of Psychedelic too. 

I’m really starting to learn this slowly but surely through body awareness by constantly feeling my body and relaxing it and also realize how much I’m literally “holding on”. Eventually you’ll get to the point where you’re more mindful and present with how much you DO emotions as a compulsive unconscious reaction. 

You eventually start to grasp that fear and all these other emotions are just unnecessary reactions that you can learn to stop compulsively doing that just gets in the way. 

I do think psychedelics are helpful though. They teach you to loosen your grip for sure. 

[bammy32]

Hey man,

The same thing happened to me after my last LSD trip - I also smoked some weed that suddenly propelled me into a state of panic and complete egoic rejection of 'Truth' that I experienced earlier in my trip after my ego death. I was hyperventilating and trying to ground myself back into reality and felt like everythign could slip away into oblivion at any second without my every shred of my willpower trying to hold on. My girlfriend was also trying to calm me down but she was also very alarmed and still coming down off her trip myself. It was a horrifying experience that lasted several hours. I was scared for my life. Trembling and taking deep breaths. I remember getting up to use the toilet and feeling out of control of all movements of my body. I also remember lying down and feel all of my chakras gushing out energy in a really unstable way.

It has taken me a couple of months to fully process it. But you will stabalise again. And you will actually be incredibly grateful for the experience. You will learn more about yourself and grow tremensdously for the better. It also propelled me into a new phase of life. One of action and results-making (I realised I was in too deep in spirituality/inner exploration with a complete lack of grounding in almost all other areas of Maslow's hierarchy). I also experienced several latent spiritual powers & phenomena & access to new levels of awareness come into being in my normal sober life.

Have hope. It will pass. You will be truly grateful for it. But give yourself time to slow down and heal and know that you are facing some of the most core, challenging issues a human being in this lifetime can face.

Much Peace ?

Edited July 18, 2019 by bammy32

[reves]

Wow awesome! for a moment I thought my trip report was way to long no body was going to get interested on reading it. After this rude awakening I have felt way more conscious of my feelings, emotions and in general of the present moment. I took the week of and I have been enjoying the afterglow just being.

@Leo Gura @Inliytened1 Thanks for the encouragement, so I guess it only remains to keep on doing the work and purifying myself in order to reach higher states of consciousness. I know am still a newbie and I still have a lot of work to do, but I am already enjoying every bit of it.

@Nahm This is some great piece of advice! Thanks a lot for the great explanation, I will put this into work

@kieranperez Yes! I agree with you, just more recently I started contemplating my feelings, thoughts and emotions, and I am getting to a level of understanding that I had never reached before in life, simply because I never cared about contemplating these things, and just accepted them without question.  And this is helping me improve my relationship with myself in ways I had never imagined.

@bammy32 Yes it feels horrible and crazy, I think I managed to stay relative calm and not alarm my girlfriend only because I recognized I have had some similar anxious experiences and knew more or less what to do the next time I got to face one of this attacks. I also see that all the other activities I do, meditation, concentration etc.. helped me avoid overreacting, thanks a lot!